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If your mother doesn't want your loving concern (which you are clearly trying to offer), I would try leaving her alone.
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Who provides her care? If it's you, are you paid to do so? Would you keep caring for someone else as a job if they verbally abused you?
She refuses to go to a home. Is that because she has you to provide care? Perhaps that needs to change? Perhaps you need to say " mom, starting next week, I'm not available to provide your care any longer. What arrangements would you like me to make?
Welcome RoseLee, 2015, (9 hours ago.)
How old is your mom? Is she developing dementia? I know I would not like the feeling of someone else clearing out all of my things and not knowing about it. The associated anger is what has me wondering about dementia.
Mom obviously had some mobility issues if she needed hip surgery. Does she have other impairments? Can she do all activities of daily living independently? You expected to stay for a while, it sounds like, but can she safely stay alone? Does she have any signs of dementia?
I am sorry to ask so many question, but knowing more detail will help us help you. Once we know more, we'll be able to sort ourselves into people with similar experiences.
I'm also interested in your communication with your mother while she was in rehab. Did you discuss your progress and get her input? ("I'm going to clean your fridge today. With you being away so long some things have expired and I'll clean them out. But I'll replace them near when you are coming home." ... "The physical therapist wants to make sure you have nice wide walkways in your home so you can use the walker as long as you need to. I'm removing items that would get in your way. Should I put them in the spare room, or in the basement until you have the time and energy to sort through them?") Or did you feel you just had to do this with the least amount of input from her as possible?
I think your plan to back off and to do the minimum for her health and safety is a good idea, at least for a while.
Maybe she is really irate about the changes to her house (even if they are improvements). But maybe this is more about the changes to her life. She is older. She is mortal. She won't be around forever. She really hasn't done a good job of managing her clutter or her food supply, and she needs help with transportation and managing her finances. Dang! If she is having to face these hard facts for the first time it is no wonder she is mad. Life is not fair! She shouldn't need help at her age! Grrrrr ... (Not everyone accepts old age gracefully.) She is mad but she may not have quite figured out what she is mad about. You are a handy target. While she should be grateful that you have cleared pathways throughout her house, she is angry that she needs them and takes that anger out on you, who made them.
But enough armchair psychology. I do think backing away some and letting her get used to her new dependency issues is a good move.
In order to bring her home. I cleaned the clutter out of her walking area. Threw out cardboard, paper, plastic, old food past expiration days, cleaned out refrig/freezer stocked pantry with all canned goods, restocked fridge with replacement for past due/ restocked freezer with homemade portions so she could just nook. All at my cost. Washed all the dishes in her cabinets, made sure her bills were paid (shepaid) kept up with all paperwork. Set up the bed next to where she sleeps with easy to get to clean slack/top/unders in neat piles. Removed scattered rugs. Made sure she had proper walker. Bedside commode. Raised toilet. Walkways clear for safety and visited every day while she was in the convalescent home to encourage her recovery. She is home now I have become her whipping boy saying I had no right to touch anything in her house. Also she had a spare rooms with boxes on a full bed that I put on floor to stay when she came home to make sure she was okay when she came home and any stuff that was in her walkway for safety I put that in the spare room. I ran out of time to work on the spare room. Her home was welcoming when she came home with the exception of the spare room which I ran out of time and energy because she came home. I also did all her shopping for 5 months and took her to all Doctor appointments. She has become very nasty to me and said I had no right to change anything without her their. I was also calling her 2x a day. She looks like she is possessed and is accusing me of steeling. Drinking a liquor she had in her home. Telling me I am fat. Saying things like, doesn't your husband say anything about the way you look. We're you drinking while you cleaned the house. If I went back to the convalescent home you would probably burn my house down, etc. Very Very abusuve remarks. I neglected myself while trying to be there for her. I was cutting my own hair, not being around friends, being away from husband more than I would like to make sure everything would be okay for my mother. I am soooo hurt. I have decided to make sure her needs are met as far as food, etc. and appt. but even though I care about her I have to separate and let her be on her own Cuz she is killing me. Comments welcome!
It is very, very hard to be verbally abused by someone you are trying to help! Hugs to you.
If you tell us a little more about your situation we'll be able to give more specific suggestions.
eye opening words for me. I really have been starting to think that I'm somehow imaging all the horrible things that I've been experiencing until I read some of your experiences. For one thing, my mother hides important items, too, like the car keys with the door opener which I never found. She looks me out of the house, too. She rants and rages almost constantly now and ALWAYS against me. No matter what goes wrong I am to blame for it. My brother and sister, who have done nothing for my mother are considered saints in her eyes and they ignore her. I do everything for her, go out of my way to do everything in her home, buy her special foods, clothes, everything and she hates me, says awful things to me.
I'll stop now. Sorry for going on so much. Marci
I will leave her to my brother and sister to deal with since they don't believe me when I tell them that she's a monster.
I'm glad I found this site. It's the first time in several years that I haven't felt alone.
Linda
I do try simply not to respond when she starts in. I do make a purpose to find things to say that will boost her esteem and make her feel appreciated. I also realize that no matter how she acts that it really has little to do with me outside of the fact that I am there, and so she simply has a person with which to vent all her anger. Since I was about 10 years old, my mom has simply always expressed a lot of anger and rage.
She has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My father did have Alzheimer's and was in the middle stages before he died last August. To be honest, since I was a little girl, I have never failed to be amazed at her behavior. I just don't understand why a person would want to try to demean and create such stress for others.
I do, though, also realize that she is grieving over the loss of her husband, and is also quite aware that she cannot do all that she once was able to do and that she is frightened and quite sad.
Your mom is lucky to have you; just sometimes they don't see that for themselves. I have been saying this since I found this great site. Boundaries!!!!!! I should use it as my name! My mom wants me all to herself and would love for me to dedicate myself to her exclusively. She would even like to see my husband disappear. She has always felt this way, never really got over me getting married(38 years ago this August)! When we lived 1 mile away she was OK. However, 9 years ago we moved 37 miles away and she was very upset. So boundaries are very important. If I didn't have them, I would have nooooo life!
Sounds as if you have some great tools. Keep passing along the information you get. We could all benefit from them.
Thanks,
Linda
You may want to go with her to her next doctor's apppointment and let her and her doctor know that you are concerned by specific symptoms Mom is exhibiting and ask for medical guidance. I would not be surprised if she does not have memory of her ugly verbal tirades sometimes.
Does she remain in that mode for the duration of her evening once you are home, or is there a point where she tends to calm down? Maybe walking in the door with a game plan that helps to diffuse her anger might be helpful? When you first walk in, you might be the one to start speaking to her right away, letting her know how tired you are and need her help to set the table, etc., then ask her to help you with simple-command individual tasks that help to re-direct her attentiion by keeping her focused on what she can do.
You may also want to play some soft-sounding music when you get home, preferably classiccal music, or oldies and goodies, and take her back in time through the music to more pleasant memories? Sometimes I enjoy listening to big-band concerts on public radio with my Mom, and we sit side-by-side as band directors to the invisible orchestra. It is refreshing, including for me as a caregiver. Maybe a regular cup of tea time when you get home is something to look forward to and have her set the tea cups, etc.? A lot you can try, but like many of us caregivers, what works one time, may not work another time. It helps to be creative and to remain positive within your spirit, if you can. Not easy to do, but for me, it has not been impossible, either. Keep sharing. Other caregivers understand and will be supportive. Hugs.
I did, however, just get excited over the new Social Worker there, who brilliantly described different ways of communicating with those with dementia and mental health issues. He's been working in the field for over 26 years, and it was the most rewarding session I've been in on. He spoke specifically to me about my own mother's abusiveness toward me, and taught me that I have to establish boundaries for Mom to adhere to. I've just never looked at it that way before so concretely. I have been doing some of this, from reading some of your posts here. And it has helped me. But here's an expert telling us how to read body signals, and communicate and set the boundaries and keep them. I'm excited, because I never had these tools to work with before. I always just walked around the elephant in the living room or tip toed through egg shells, reacting to behaviors. I don't know that he was doing this intentionally, but it's like he gave me "permission" to set boundaries for myself. (Mom and Dad don't have any, and don't respect other people's...) I feel like a have a new lease on life. I am looking forward to learning more about it, and practicing it!