By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time
she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would
tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.
It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior
and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her
get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will
begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm),
then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true
methods with them.
You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have
the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living
facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What
price tag do you want to put on your life?"
Best wishes,
Joanne
In order to bring her home. I cleaned the clutter out of her walking area. Threw out cardboard, paper, plastic, old food past expiration days, cleaned out refrig/freezer stocked pantry with all canned goods, restocked fridge with replacement for past due/ restocked freezer with homemade portions so she could just nook. All at my cost. Washed all the dishes in her cabinets, made sure her bills were paid (shepaid) kept up with all paperwork. Set up the bed next to where she sleeps with easy to get to clean slack/top/unders in neat piles. Removed scattered rugs. Made sure she had proper walker. Bedside commode. Raised toilet. Walkways clear for safety and visited every day while she was in the convalescent home to encourage her recovery. She is home now I have become her whipping boy saying I had no right to touch anything in her house. Also she had a spare rooms with boxes on a full bed that I put on floor to stay when she came home to make sure she was okay when she came home and any stuff that was in her walkway for safety I put that in the spare room. I ran out of time to work on the spare room. Her home was welcoming when she came home with the exception of the spare room which I ran out of time and energy because she came home. I also did all her shopping for 5 months and took her to all Doctor appointments. She has become very nasty to me and said I had no right to change anything without her their. I was also calling her 2x a day. She looks like she is possessed and is accusing me of steeling. Drinking a liquor she had in her home. Telling me I am fat. Saying things like, doesn't your husband say anything about the way you look. We're you drinking while you cleaned the house. If I went back to the convalescent home you would probably burn my house down, etc. Very Very abusuve remarks. I neglected myself while trying to be there for her. I was cutting my own hair, not being around friends, being away from husband more than I would like to make sure everything would be okay for my mother. I am soooo hurt. I have decided to make sure her needs are met as far as food, etc. and appt. but even though I care about her I have to separate and let her be on her own Cuz she is killing me. Comments welcome!
Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you.
Linda
I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in.
We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.
We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you.
helpful things to try.
1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do
2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them
3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves
4) never engage them when they are upset
5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated
6) compliment them
7) try to focus their attention to something else
8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry
9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong
0
Can you move out?
You may want to go with her to her next doctor's apppointment and let her and her doctor know that you are concerned by specific symptoms Mom is exhibiting and ask for medical guidance. I would not be surprised if she does not have memory of her ugly verbal tirades sometimes.
Does she remain in that mode for the duration of her evening once you are home, or is there a point where she tends to calm down? Maybe walking in the door with a game plan that helps to diffuse her anger might be helpful? When you first walk in, you might be the one to start speaking to her right away, letting her know how tired you are and need her help to set the table, etc., then ask her to help you with simple-command individual tasks that help to re-direct her attentiion by keeping her focused on what she can do.
You may also want to play some soft-sounding music when you get home, preferably classiccal music, or oldies and goodies, and take her back in time through the music to more pleasant memories? Sometimes I enjoy listening to big-band concerts on public radio with my Mom, and we sit side-by-side as band directors to the invisible orchestra. It is refreshing, including for me as a caregiver. Maybe a regular cup of tea time when you get home is something to look forward to and have her set the tea cups, etc.? A lot you can try, but like many of us caregivers, what works one time, may not work another time. It helps to be creative and to remain positive within your spirit, if you can. Not easy to do, but for me, it has not been impossible, either. Keep sharing. Other caregivers understand and will be supportive. Hugs.
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Who provides her care? If it's you, are you paid to do so? Would you keep caring for someone else as a job if they verbally abused you?
She refuses to go to a home. Is that because she has you to provide care? Perhaps that needs to change? Perhaps you need to say " mom, starting next week, I'm not available to provide your care any longer. What arrangements would you like me to make?
See All Answers