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Can you move out?
Linda
Linda
Mimi
At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time
she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would
tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.
It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior
and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her
get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will
begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm),
then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true
methods with them.
You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have
the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living
facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What
price tag do you want to put on your life?"
Best wishes,
Joanne
We had to deal with catastrophic reactions and angry outbursts with my Dad. Abrupt emotionally charged explosions happen often with my Mom. It puts me on edge, but the more I learn about dementia, Alzheimer's and Personality Disorders, the more it helps me understand and deal with THEIR problem.
For my own emotions, dealing with their dement, I read literature corresponding to their diagnosis, and I attend Support Groups, which helps a great deal. Just knowing we're not alone, and our loved ones aren't necessarily attacking us personally, helps me cope with the ugly reality of the situation, which can sometimes seem confusing.
Lovingdaughter and Mimis made some great suggestions, and a Geriatric Assessment sounds like the logical way to go at this point. By all means, take care of you, too! :)
I'm going to my support group, now...
Linda
I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in.
We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.
We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you.
helpful things to try.
1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do
2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them
3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves
4) never engage them when they are upset
5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated
6) compliment them
7) try to focus their attention to something else
8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry
9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong
0
Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you.
Linda
I did, however, just get excited over the new Social Worker there, who brilliantly described different ways of communicating with those with dementia and mental health issues. He's been working in the field for over 26 years, and it was the most rewarding session I've been in on. He spoke specifically to me about my own mother's abusiveness toward me, and taught me that I have to establish boundaries for Mom to adhere to. I've just never looked at it that way before so concretely. I have been doing some of this, from reading some of your posts here. And it has helped me. But here's an expert telling us how to read body signals, and communicate and set the boundaries and keep them. I'm excited, because I never had these tools to work with before. I always just walked around the elephant in the living room or tip toed through egg shells, reacting to behaviors. I don't know that he was doing this intentionally, but it's like he gave me "permission" to set boundaries for myself. (Mom and Dad don't have any, and don't respect other people's...) I feel like a have a new lease on life. I am looking forward to learning more about it, and practicing it!
You may want to go with her to her next doctor's apppointment and let her and her doctor know that you are concerned by specific symptoms Mom is exhibiting and ask for medical guidance. I would not be surprised if she does not have memory of her ugly verbal tirades sometimes.
Does she remain in that mode for the duration of her evening once you are home, or is there a point where she tends to calm down? Maybe walking in the door with a game plan that helps to diffuse her anger might be helpful? When you first walk in, you might be the one to start speaking to her right away, letting her know how tired you are and need her help to set the table, etc., then ask her to help you with simple-command individual tasks that help to re-direct her attentiion by keeping her focused on what she can do.
You may also want to play some soft-sounding music when you get home, preferably classiccal music, or oldies and goodies, and take her back in time through the music to more pleasant memories? Sometimes I enjoy listening to big-band concerts on public radio with my Mom, and we sit side-by-side as band directors to the invisible orchestra. It is refreshing, including for me as a caregiver. Maybe a regular cup of tea time when you get home is something to look forward to and have her set the tea cups, etc.? A lot you can try, but like many of us caregivers, what works one time, may not work another time. It helps to be creative and to remain positive within your spirit, if you can. Not easy to do, but for me, it has not been impossible, either. Keep sharing. Other caregivers understand and will be supportive. Hugs.
Your mom is lucky to have you; just sometimes they don't see that for themselves. I have been saying this since I found this great site. Boundaries!!!!!! I should use it as my name! My mom wants me all to herself and would love for me to dedicate myself to her exclusively. She would even like to see my husband disappear. She has always felt this way, never really got over me getting married(38 years ago this August)! When we lived 1 mile away she was OK. However, 9 years ago we moved 37 miles away and she was very upset. So boundaries are very important. If I didn't have them, I would have nooooo life!
Sounds as if you have some great tools. Keep passing along the information you get. We could all benefit from them.
Thanks,
Linda
I do try simply not to respond when she starts in. I do make a purpose to find things to say that will boost her esteem and make her feel appreciated. I also realize that no matter how she acts that it really has little to do with me outside of the fact that I am there, and so she simply has a person with which to vent all her anger. Since I was about 10 years old, my mom has simply always expressed a lot of anger and rage.
She has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My father did have Alzheimer's and was in the middle stages before he died last August. To be honest, since I was a little girl, I have never failed to be amazed at her behavior. I just don't understand why a person would want to try to demean and create such stress for others.
I do, though, also realize that she is grieving over the loss of her husband, and is also quite aware that she cannot do all that she once was able to do and that she is frightened and quite sad.
Linda
I will leave her to my brother and sister to deal with since they don't believe me when I tell them that she's a monster.
I'm glad I found this site. It's the first time in several years that I haven't felt alone.
eye opening words for me. I really have been starting to think that I'm somehow imaging all the horrible things that I've been experiencing until I read some of your experiences. For one thing, my mother hides important items, too, like the car keys with the door opener which I never found. She looks me out of the house, too. She rants and rages almost constantly now and ALWAYS against me. No matter what goes wrong I am to blame for it. My brother and sister, who have done nothing for my mother are considered saints in her eyes and they ignore her. I do everything for her, go out of my way to do everything in her home, buy her special foods, clothes, everything and she hates me, says awful things to me.
I'll stop now. Sorry for going on so much. Marci