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Her slightly bizarre and cheeky request tells you who this ex of yours really is. Believe it.
This is your ex's problem, don't get involved, once you are pulled into her web you will not get out easily.
She is your Ex....E X P A N D on it.
We can always count on you to tell us how you feel without beating around the bush. I love it!
1) You do not have to help at all . You can tell your partner you are sorry she’s overwhelmed but she will have to find another solution.
2) You can help by running some errands and dropping off some food for a limited time , but you are not obligated to do anything .
3) OR…..If you are looking for reconciliation you could offer to help with a hard deadline of her placing her mother in a facility . And by help, you should not do the hands on caregiving . You could come over and make some meals , do some cleaning and laundry, errands , grocery shopping .
Explain that it is not a good idea for you to do any hands on caregiving considering how you were treated . Don’t be left alone with this woman . You don’t need her accusing you of anything .
If you are really willing to do this, you need a serious deadline with specific goals. Something like three days:
Day 1 - Partner gets a good night’s sleep to prepare for decision making.
Day 2 - Partner lists alternatives with pros and cons and makes initial choice (most likely Medicaid facility care unless financial resources are abundant).
Day 3 - Partner confirms and implements plan.
Frankly, I’d sooner pay a professional caregiver and limit my participation to being the person that they call first during the three days rather than do it myself if I were in your position. My priorities and resources may be different, and I’d hopefully act as a gesture of goodwill in memory of better times rather than guilt.
Maybe offer to fund half of the first week of respite care. I agree that less personal involvement is probably better at this point.
You can show kindness & help in other ways to your now-ex IF you felt that was best eg offer to drop in a takeaway meal or some groceries. But you will have to weigh carefully any positives against any extra tension & unpleasantness.
What about no. Kind, honest & firm.
I am very sorry you have this tough situation.
No, I cannot provide care duties for your Mother.
I trust you will find the right care solutions soon.
Perhaps MIL could go in respite care while your ex takes some personal time and finds her a home.
I know this must be a tough decision to make.
Then, I might tell her to call a few caregiver agencies to help out in the interim and wish her luck on finding a new permanent caregiver. Or you could suggest placement in a facility for her mom.
Be honest with yourself too. You know that you don’t want to be in this situation anymore. It wouldn’t end well if you caved in to your ex partner’s request.
You don’t owe her anything, not even an explanation if you don’t want to go into detail. I think that you are feeling empathy for your ex in this situation, not necessarily guilt.
You’re not talking about a child who deserves love from both parents. She can hire someone to help with caring for her mom.