Would you care for mom-in-law after split?

OP never responded. I think the question needs to be closed to replies. I reported.

Five months later after this was asked and answered, and still a big no, I’m not taking care of her 😜

Alva,

So many of these questions are clicked on and answered when the OP hasn’t ever been active.

I think the topic catches a poster’s eye and then they respond to it without looking at the date.

January question.
The OP has not responded to us.

If you decide to help, be very specific about
how long you will help,
the types of help you will provide,
what you are not going to do,

When the time comes to get out of this situation,
be kind with your words,
be firm that you are no longer available.

I’m back, to offer perspective. Yes, I would care for my MiL. BUT I love her dearly!! She is a good human, a mentor to me in being a parent, supports me as a spouse to her child, supported us as parents to grow into our own style. She loves and cared for our kids when they were young (the way we preferred, not any type of ‘this is how you’re supposed to do it’ baloney.) She has been integral in all our lives and continues to be so.
We would gladly take her into our home if it was the best care for her (we actually tried when they started to decline in old age, but they refused to move.)
We would take her (both of them actually, my spouse’s mom and dad) because we would want to, because it would be the best option for them, because we are in a position and capable to do so.
NOT out of guilt, despair for them, or duty and responsibility.

The dynamic is completely different. Your hesitation is completely VALID!! Respect your intuition, respect your feelings, respect your right to be safe.

If I were to apply this same criteria to myself and my family situation, the answer would still be yes.

Is the answer in your situation still only a ‘maybe?’

maybe = no

You could be helpful by directing your ex to the local senior services department in your city. They are extremely helpful (this is why the exist, you’re not the first people to face the problem of how to care for a parent.)

May you find peace and healing!

Hello,
You are right to think deeply on this huge request from your ex.

I thought I’d add one more idea to this thread. It isn’t about the MiL, or the partner, but more about YOU and your personal nature.

I would be willing to bet that you’re a caregiver by nature, (NOT just Alz or physical caretaking) that you’re very empathetic and always jump in to help solve problems in the relationships you have. (Think work, friendships.)

I know I said I wasn’t commenting on your relationship with your partner BUT were you the problem solver for your ex? Did she rely on you when she was stressed out? Did you previously pick up the pieces in the relationship, smooth out and make things work. I’m wondering if the established dynamic of the relationship is being enacted by your ex.

People who are natural care takers and ’fixers’ for those they care about often feel guilt in saying no to others’ request for help. Even if it’s felt as a totally irrational feeling by those who aren’t problem solvers for others. A person with a caregiver nature oftentimes has to intentionally learn to set appropriate boundaries for themselves. I’m willing to bet many people here could attest to that, after being in the trenches as ALZ caregivers. It’s TRUE that a person has to take care of themselves first -emotionally, mentally, physically- in order to be a healthy caretaker of another person.

I see that you recently entered one of the most stressful life situations (break up with life partner) and my question to you is, ‘how is your emotional health doing at this huge time of change.’ I encourage you to take the step back from these people like you intended to when you separated. Things haven’t changed over there. From my point of view, your ex hasn’t changed and I’m sure your MiL hasn’t.

It seems to me that you were asking for change with this separation.

Are your needs being met? (Red flag answer: NO, seeing as the ex asked you to return to a situation that was not good for you.) Are you prioritizing taking care of yourself? Are you ready to be sucked back into the same relationship again?

The situation of dealing with the decline, care decisions, and actual hands on care of a parent or loved one is immense and crushing at times. Are you in a position-emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, logistically- to take on this full time role for your ex? It seems clear to me the guilt you’re feeling isn’t over the feelings of the MiL.

Are you feeling guilt that you’re not fulfilling your previous responsibilities to your ex?

You are not responsible for your ex’s worry, anxiety, stress, or lack of time or energy. Your ex needs to step up and take care of herself and her life…isn’t that what a separation is about? Is THIS how the ex is handling her problems…asking you to fix it. Is that the relationship you want to be in, further, is THAT the relationship you want to be stuck in—fixing for the ex and caretaking the MiL? (Your answer was a definite NO in the original post)

It seems to me that you asked for space, but the ex came right back trampling over your request.

MAYBE I’m totally off here. ?? Feel free till take what you can use from my thoughts and disregard all that don’t help you. Only you can decide what is good for your life and the life you want to have.

Does your ex’s request fit into the life you’re working towards??

My advice:
Do not take on this massive responsibility TO your ex.

Best of luck in your healing and reflection process! Glad you’re here and so grateful for this community.

Jumping in here with a decisive "don't do it"! You have said you want to split right now. What if you find someone else you are interested in? Are they supposed to share you with the ex partner and the ex partner's mother?? You know the right decision, you just want us to validate for you . It's been validated. Don't do it and go on your way.

Yes, I did care for my MIL after the divorce. However she was a real sweetie, I loved her dearly, and my second husband also loved her and was happy to have her stay on the farm with us for several weeks after she came out of a hospital stay.

That’s not where you are at. Your (ex)wife’s ‘overwhelming’ situation after firing a carer sounds like one of those things that can be expected, and will probably happen again, not a genuine emergency. MIL doesn’t sound like ‘a real sweetie’, and your view is that MIL mistreated you.

If you want to split, get on with it, and be resented for not helping. If you aren’t sure about splitting, do the care, get the thanks, and tie yourself more closely into W and MIL and their issues. It’s your choice.

Do not help her mother. Caring for her own mother is more than she can handle. She needs to find a real solution for her mother. One where she is cared for properly, most likely by paid caregivers.
If it is important for you to show her support, help her find caregivers or other solutions for her mother but re-iterate that you are not the solution.

I think you've already answered your question. You say you don't want to do it.

If you think caring for the mother will assuage your feelings of guilt, it won't.
You say you feel a little guilty wanting to separate while your partner is struggling with the care of her mother. There is never a "good" time to dissolve a relationship. Her struggles with her mother's care have nothing to do with you.

If you step in to provide care out of guilt, I can see a whole lot of potential for anger and resentment to build to an explosive level, not only for you, but everyone involved.

This is not your problem to resolve.

You do not say how long she has had this ALZ and that might be the cause of the abuse. When my mama and daddy had ALZ they were the worst. To them I was bad. I loved them deeply and even though my mama did not live long with ALZ my daddy did. He treated my like dirt, called me names, cursed at me. He resigned to me before he got bad and he depended on me. We had good days and bad days. I never had a MIL but I'm reading your story and it seems that on top your grrr not gonna do it but inside you don't want to see your ex struggle. Majority of these posts state to "run". Think of how you feel deep down you have helped before, you don't want your ex to struggle, you have cut ties with your MIL a long time ago. Do you have time to give? Do you have the support your ex will need to put MIL in a home? Are you trying to get the sister more involved with you stepping back? Does you ex know about this website so she can read and be supported by experiences shared here?

How did you get along with your MIL? Did your MIL ever do something for you? If you and your MIL got along great, I'd help out, just a few days a week, for your MIL's sake.

On the other hand, if you and your MIL were distant or strained (in addition to the mis-treatment in May), I would NOT do anything. Alzheimer’s means that your MIL could do a lot of mean things, just because her brain is broken.

As for your ex or soon to be ex, it is always a struggle. Just some struggles are worse than others. If you do not work through the struggle, the struggle will come back over and over again.

Sometimes, life really sucks....

No way!!!! Run the other way. She is in dire need of help but you should not do it.

taimedowne: Your answer should be 'No, I cannot do it.'

Nope. Don't do it, you already said mom mistreated you. Red flags all over this

I wouldn't suck it up for a month.

Your partner needs to figure it out. You are not the solution to the problem.

That's a hard no for me.

I would not step back into a toxic situation.

Most toxic situations are easy to get into and hard to get out of.

The sister needs to help until a caregiver is found.

All due respect, no harm intended, wishing all the best, but no.

I think this would be a bad idea. First reason--if she is already saying "at least temporarily", you know it won't be over in a month. Second reason--the abuse. Caring for someone who's been abusive isn't a good situation for either you or her. Third reason--this is incredibly hard even when both partners are working together well and in complete agreement that this is what they want to be doing. It's a very emotional undertaking. Every little disagreement has explosive potential.

It really sounds like it's time for the mother to be cared for by professionals. The do-it-yourself method doesn't seem to be working and you stepping back in will only serve to prolong the situation.

if you’re not legally married, this woman isn’t your mother-in-law. Stop thinking of her that way.

People get married to make their relationship legal, thus the “in-law” part. They sometimes remain unmarried because they don’t want the obligations. Maybe that was you. So walk.

I wouldn’t provide care to my MIL and I’m in a good relationship with my spouse. Caregiving is hard enough with a person who’s kind and cooperative, someone you like, but when it’s a person you don’t like or mistreats you, it’s definitely a pass. I’d hope you move on with your life and put this in the rear view

Bottom line if you don't want to do this then don't.

If you and your ex-partners mother were on good terms and you wanted to do this do it ONLY if you have a contract in place and you are paid for your services as a caregiver at the normal rate for the are where you live.

She can hire another caregiver.

In a word...NO!!!!!

If you are feeling generous to the ex maybe offer to run some errands for her but absolutely no in person contact with MIL. Does she know MIL's treatment of you helped in your decision to end the marriage?

“No”.

Your ex needs to place her Mom if she can no longer care for her. This is not really your problem. You could say your willing to help on your terms but only until she gets her Mom placed. It takes 3 months to apply for Medicaid and get them the info needed. I was lucky, I started the application mid April. Mom entered LTC May 1st and private paid May and June, I confirmed spend down and that all info was received in June her Medicaid started July 1st.

Your ex can do the same thing. Use whatever money Moms has to place her and when almost gone apply for Medicaid. You can give her a date that you will help till then. But as u can see, most of the members think you are right not to get involved at all.

Don’t do it. This will not end well for you.

Regardless of whether this separation is permanent or not, do not step back into that situation with your MIL. That your soon-to-be-ex enables her mother is her choice, not yours, and we all must live with the choices we make. For example, when one spouse chooses their parent over their spouse, that's a choice; as is the other spouse putting up with it. You've decided you don't want to put up with it anymore. Stick with your decision because wafting in and out of your old life will not help you move on and decide your future.

You can give her some advice, moral support if you want, but I would not walk into that minefield of emotion.

Talking about, dealing with, my MIL is the ONE THING that keeps me and my DH apart, emotionally and physically and mentally. He puts her first and I feel it, and know it--and know why--but it's very hard to be the last person on the list.

I do not, and will not, help in the physical care of my MIL. I walked out 4 years ago and have not and will not go back.

Do NOT walk back in to that.

Esp if MIL knows you're splitting up. While that would thrill MY MIL to pieces, it would come at such a cost.

Are you talking about a permanent separation or a respite separation?

Your ex is overwhelmed and what you do now will determine if it is permanent or not. What is your long term plan with a separation?

Personally, I would help my partner with planning a new plan and helping it be implemented, I don't think abandoning her now is a kind thing to do, even though you want a separation doesn't she mean anything to you? If not, get a divorce and cut the tie completely, she doesn't need more grief at this stage of her life but, if you still care, help her get mom placed and be her friend right now.

Your MIL has a broken brain and your partner is trying to do ?? the right thing, what mom wants ?? Help her break whatever cycle has you both in this position.

Personally, I believe that I would think twice about considering a reconciliation with your ex.

She knows that her mom mistreated you and now she is asking for you to go back into the line of fire. This is a red flag for sure.