What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?

Call the police first. Beat your parents to the punch and ask the police what you should do and document everything.

Oh my heart goes out to you all. My mum died in 2012 December and then my older brother (49 at the time) died exactly a year later, both of cancer. My Dad's always been a bit of a grumpy sod with us, although he is able to turn on the charm to anyone else. He really showed his true colours when my mum and brother passed away. I tried to have a cordial relationship with him but he showed no loyalty to my mothers memory, he dated most every woman that threw her glances his way and just a few days before my brother died he went on a cruise!!!! My brother was on a palliative ward in hospital for 10 days and on New Years Eve he passed away. When he was made to return (we got ship to shore and sorted flights) he behaved appaulingly. He held a meeting. He presented us with a paper with bullet points on it.

So skip forward to 2017. I wanted him to meet my now husband. We had been together 5 years but with all that was going on, he had only met my Dad at Richard's funeral. So when we got engaged, I said to Dad I thought they should meet. Dad was thrilled. He came to the house and proceeded to show us photos of a lady called Linn!!! He too apparently had known her 5 years, but was not intending on marrying "as marriage was a waste of time and just a piece of paper!!!" Well as you can imagine I was flabergasted.

A little bit further on and Dad was burgled. Strangely they took my dead brothers fishing gear, amounting to quite a collection of expensive things. They didn't take anything else and if you knew the lay out of the house, then you would know it's odd. In light of this I asked Dad if I could move Mum's jewellery she left me over 6 years prior to my own home and I would get a good safe. He agreed. About a week after I moved it, I had a random phone call accusing me of stealing a ring he had wanted to keep. I hadn't of course but it had been in the safe in a box, I know that because I check what was left in the safe. The fact he accused me rather than say 'did you perhaps pick it up when you moved your mum's jewellery' or something similar, was what hurt the most. No amount of me telling him he was mistaken helped. I was so angry I told him a week later he was not invited to my wedding unless he retracted what he said. You've guessed it, I did eventually think better of my decision so sent him and Linn and invite. He refused to come to the wedding, much to the horror of all our family and friends. His best friends of 60 years came and they were so mad at him for not coming and also because he accused me of stealing.

The truth is I thought I was alone, but clearly I'm not. There are so many people going through this with their parents and I have to say I'm relieved. I can't forgive my father for all manor of things and the jewellery is the least of it. The things he's admitted to me about having tantrums and storming out on my mum, running our cat over in one of these stupid childish tantrums (something our mum kept a secret). I can't forgive him going away when my brother was dying, or not attending my wedding, not to mention having my brother cremated when he wanted to be buried next to my mother. But at least I know I'm not alone

Wow, these stories!

I have been helping an elderly aunt since she has a myriad of health problems and her only living child won't help. Neither will her grandchildren. I have shuttled her to countless doctor appointments, gotten her in and out of the hospital at least 4 times in the past year, in and out of PT rehab, done her weekly grocery shopping, separated meds, etc. On and on. She regularly hides or misplaces things and immediately announces that someone stole it. 

She is now living in an assisted living facility (long time coming). She calls me daily with some type of crisis. Yesterday she called me screaming that someone had stolen her keys from her purse. She found them but didn't bother to call and tell me that. Now she is telling others I took her jewelry from her house. She also said I "stole her postage stamps she had hidden in her medicine cabinet!" Stamps in the medicine cabinet? 

(I'm the type who wouldn't steal a stale cracker from her even if I was starving). But I shouldn't even have to defend my character to anyone who KNOWS her or me and all that I've done for her. I know she hid her jewelry because she hides everything. She has lost 2 sugar monitors, her eyeglasses, a dental bridge, and now several pieces of her jewelry.  Over the past year she has accused me of stealing an insurance check (she found it in a pile of mail), snooping in her checkbook (because I was in the same room with it), stealing a necklace (which she later found and hid again), then accused me of stealing the same necklace and other jewelry.

I know she has mild dementia setting in and I know the one who does the most for the feeble minded catches HELL, but it still hurts. No matter what you do for them, they expect more and more and treat you worse and worse.

She accused her granddaughter of stealing a small pack of photos. When her granddaughter found them on top of the entertainment center, my aunt accused her of putting them there!

I saw my grandmother treat my mom this way. My mom did EVERYTHING for her and my grandmother constantly yelled and berated her and accused her of stealing her money. She would be sweet as syrup to her son whenever he would visit. She would tell us my mother neglected her. 

When my mom and dad finally took a much deserved vacation, they arranged for my grandmother to stay a week with her son and his wife and then a week at home with sitters and visitors coming daily. A few days before my parents returned from  vacation, my grandmother had one of her sitters in tears demanding she call APS and report my parents for abandonment!

It is so incredibly frustrating!

My mom doesn't have dementia, just very poor memory. She loses or misplaces things and then says "someone" must have taken them. And I know by "someone" she means me. I think 90% of the time when she can't find something, it ended up in the garbage, as the things rarely turn up. She just lost her second car key, so is using the valet key. A new key is $400, and she'll just lose it, so I am not encouraging her to get a new one. My husband was looking for her keys over the holidays. He didn't find them, but did find a bracelet "someone" had taken some time ago. It was in a floor heating vent.

Well I am back here again. Thank God for Google. AND I forgot that I had submitted my challenge back 5 years ago for the same thing. I am rereading these posts and it has already helped me. Thank you Caregivers. Happy New Years 2018

2nd best, are you still around?

DayonR, here is an excellent article that I found here on Aging Care that will be helpful.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

I tell you, I am going through the same thing right now of being accused of stealing her ring, one of which I have, her barrel , her computer you name it. At first I was mad because she can logically reason other situations. Not sure yet how to manage this sort of this but looking for some solutions to dementia as I can only imagine that it is destined to get worst.

As far as I know she has not c9ntacted police. Sunday last she shows up at my house accusing me of taking her wedding ring, which she found later, blessing me out in front of my nephew. I remained calm and told her its not right for her to do what shes doing. Of course when i asked about it later she didnt remember even coming by the house. Its just all very frustrating.

Pflanagan, are and your brothers just being accused directly or are you being reported to law enforcement?

So ive read many of these responses and they all sound the same. What i want is an answer to how to best deal with a situation that is getting progressively worse. Not to mention its wearing on me and my brothers and our own relationship with each other. I try to be understanding but everytime there is an accusation its like it cuts a piece of my spirit away. I need a plan for how to deal with this.

Hmmm debdaughter, that is puzzling that the bank would file a report on one person's fraud but not in your case. But I guess maybe it depends on if the defrauder is a family member or not. It would be hard to compare the forged signature on the checks with the grandfather's actual signature unless he has some signed documents you can lay your hands on. Sounds like he doesn't usually write or sign checks. Knowing that fact alone would be cause to suspect they were forgeries. Gosh, I don't know what recourse you have debdaughter. Sad how low some family members can stoop when it comes to money!! I feel for ya!

2nd best, something I don't understand; that very same bank that pretty much knew those checks were forged, when they learned another check by somebody else, not theirs, was, their fraud team itself filed a police report; now what did it take for them to do that in that case but not in this one...

2nd best, yes, of course he had to have forged those checks he took, those he wrote anyway, still not sure whether he's actually written all he took or not and not really sure she can report him, since it's not her name he forged but granddad's and he's sure not going to do anything; he either really doesn't care, which is possible, since he never did, or he really doesn't know what's going on, which he may not, since she handles the money, not sure who to say who's being the most affected; he's the one needing the care but she's the one providing it and killing her

your father slapped you?! uh, hm...think you have bigger problems than just him thinking you stole his money....

My father lost 100$, when i wake up that morning ,my father slap me,i dont know anything that time my father directly accuse me as a thieft how to make my father to believe i am not a thieft p/s i tried my hard to find that money back:(

So he actually forged some of those checks he took? Is she planning to report it to the police? I can see that she would be torn between reporting it and just letting it go because it was her grandson, but sad for her to know he has stolen from her.

yes, 2nd best, it does seem to be; she did call the bank and found out they'd almost all been passed, which is something I don't quite understand the bank letting happen; I think they could have known she wasn't writing them, then of course she saw it again on her bank statement

debdaugher...sad that he would take advantage of his elderly grandmother by stealing her checks! Sounds like he thought he was about to get caught so put the checks back right where she keeps them, making her think they were there all along, but cunningly keeping the last pack. So sad that younger people would take advantage of an elderly relative like that, but it's quite common I guess.

It's painful to me to know that my sister has duped my mom so many times. The nurse's pin incident is just one of many. There was no reason for my sister to lie about it - all I can think of is that she is a pathological liar and when she has the choice to tell the truth or tell a lie, she tells a lie even if it serves no real purpose. What's sad to me is that she gets by with doing this to my mom regularly but my mom never catches on, never has that aha moment where she realizes she has been duped. I guess what she doesn't know won't hurt her, but it is still sad for me to know that it's happening but can't convince my mom of what my sister is doing. It just makes me realize I made the right decision to cut ties with her (my sister) several years ago. I don't need that kind of craziness and outright evil in my life.

2nd best, I believe this has happened to my hub's aunt with their grandson, with him getting their last pack of checks from their check pack they got in the mail, with taking it first, causing her to be calling the bank telling them she hadn't gotten in yet with them being able to tell her when it was sent out and when she should have gotten it with him hearing all this so that it showed up the next day in the place where she always keeps it except for the last pack, which was missing

I take care of my grandmother who is now 88 years old. She has been diagnosed with dementia. She is very hard to deal with. It seems like everyday something is missing. From her cigarettes, pain pills, food, to cash in her purse. She swears that one of my kids are coming in and taking these things. My kids range from the ages of 5 to 9. Knowing that they do not go into her room unless invited by her and do not have need for the things that go missing. Its getting hard to smile and tell her "I'll talk to the kids". As time has gone on she screams and yells that someone took her stuff. Even when she finds them she screams that someone must of brought the object back and put it in a hiding spot. Everything is always found (unless its a pill she took or cigarette she smoked). There is no point in telling her that she just misplaced something. She just tells me that there is something wrong with me and then blames it all on me. I tell her ill look into it and talk to the kids. Then change the subject to something else. If she is in a fighting mood I tell her ill be back when she is feeling better and leave her room for a while. This is the best way I have found to handle it but ill tell you some days I want to lock myself in a closet and hide or run for the hills.

darbaby, with your dad being a veteran, does he get any services from the VA?

My grandmother will be 96 this month. It's amazing how well she does (eating, dressing) while being hard of hearing and legally blind. She reminds me a lot like Judge Judy, a blind JJ of course who's hard of hearing. My girlfriend of 20 years and I have been accused of just about everything to the point that I must be not a thief but a MASTER thief. Even though she's legally blind she is able to dial 911 and does fairly often. The police are normally understanding problem is takes a fair amount of wasting theres until they are. They suggest it's time for assisted living and thats probably the best answer to an unsolvable situation. PLANETKURTH

You can't understand the effort unless you've lived it yourself. We are all warriors fighting a battle to do what is right and stay sane, often when you have a patent that fights you tooth and nail when all you're trying to do is the right thing. Soooo frustrating.

Well i'm giving you a virtual hug i admire your selflessness. You are an angel in our midst. I hope you take good care of yourself -- don't work too hard save some love for yourself God bless. I am in a quandary coz mom is very fickle about me taking charge of her life. I am taking it one day at a time but i am preparing internally for any eventuality .

I lived overseas as well when all this happened. I ended up returning home because the situation just got so out of control. My mother passed in 2012 and I still have my father who is 93 is still alive and has NO CLUE the effort I have to put in to take care of his live AND mine.

I live abroad and get to visit my mom almost every year , and this year i am planning to go again inspite of financial difficulties because her confusion is just getting worse and she is asking me to take care of things for her asap. She keeps "losing" stuff and thinks her maid is the culprit . Because of this forum i have come to realize what to expect and how to handle her but being an only child of someone who has alienated everyone else is a major challenge so help me God .

31/08/2015
I have cared for my parents for 25 years. The last 4 years have been so difficult. Each year getting much harder than the last. My mother has suffered from schizophrenia all of my life (no one ever believed just how bad things really were except for my immediate family).

My father suffered from vascular dementia, was doubly incontinent, nearly blind, diabetic, and had mobility problems and frequent falls and infections for the last 4 years. I cared for both my parents until September last years when things got so much worse and my father was admitted to hospital with heart failure. He now resides in a care home.

I was then left to look after my mother ( which was impossible). I spent 7 months running between both. No one would listen and no one would help. Eventually my mother attempted to take her own life (serious attempt with many injuries). She to now resides in a care home now.

I was astonished to learn recently that both my parents have accused me of stealing their money.

A sad thankless end to my broken life. The caring cycle has had a detrimental affect on my marriage and relationship with my grownup children. I really wish I had walked away years ago. I am nearly 60.

My brother who lives in Australia has not been home in 4 years now. He has just recently got married and graduated. His new wife is religious and both she and my brother are very involved with the church. Amazes me.

My brother sends letters home thanking my father and mother for a wonderful life and telling them he thinks of them regularly and prays for them. This is a totally different story then he told me. In fact quite the contrary he said as my father had nothing to give only his money then he might as well take it. How they can attend church with a clear conscious - beats me !!!!

Hi There. I have a mom with dementia too. She has always been in love with extravagant jewelry .She has always dressed very well. Since her disease has worsened she has been accusing my dad of stealing her jewelry. When he tries to look for it this just reinforces the fact that he is trying to steal it.
He usually finds her "stolen" items six months later in little hiding places all over the house.
We bought her a safe hoping this would prevent anymore "Stealing".
2 nights ago she says she woke up to my dad pulling at her wrist and taking her gold bracelet. She is beside herself with grief and disappointment. The bracelet is missing and I just don't know how to deal with the hallucination and missing item. My dad is getting very discouraged as well.

I am an Asian, we believed that taking care of parents is our life duty. I had my first marriage and she accrued my ex wife of being dishonest towards money matters to her, also picking on her by thinking that she steal from her. The main thing was me, she thinks she stole me from her. So partly due to this we were divorce. Then years later I got my 2nd marriage soon again it happen first she accused us of throwing away all her tea spoons, then accusing us taken all the scissors from the house. many more others. Then today she drop her wallet I think with thousands of cash in it with her ID card, but she did not realized that the money was inside the wallet. she start finding her wallet and keep saying that she must have drop it in the florists or on the way. Then I remind her that her money is also meeting. Suddenly her story change she said she lost the money at home and only 3 of us home. She my wife and myself. I try helping her to find it. wallet and cash were no where to be found. but I found the all the Tea Spoons, Scissors and Keys. which some she had claimed it was taken by us. I brought over the house from her by paying the market rate 20 years back, so she don't have to shift but continue to stay with me. But then she had been telling everybody she give the house to me, now she even claim the house is hers, we are here staying in her house. I have been buy dinner for her every day but then she tell people around that I treated her badly, buying her food only if I like, if not nothing. Also claim that we are home late at night every day, but we are always home after work knowing that she don't like us leaving her home alone. we left 7 plus in the morning and home around 8pm. Aren't that is the normal for many working adult? See I am even suffering more then being accused as a theft.. But life have to go on... Can I disown my mum?