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My mother recently called my home phone and wasn't aware that the answering machine had picked up. (my mother is a massive stroke survivor of 9 years ago). I was able to hear one side of the conversation she was having with my father. She accused me of stealing all her jewelry during my last visit home. Moreover, she stated that I had even shown what I had taken to my father before I left home. Undoubtedly they have misplaced her jewelry (again) someone in the home and can't remember where it's been put. She then called me at midnight and restated her claim that I had stolen her jewelry (this time I answered the phone but she wouldn't listen to anything I said.) Question: what should I do if she officially accuses me of the theft to the police? Should I shrug it off as part of the territory with elderly parents or is there something proactive I should do? My father has been diagnosed with moderate dementia. Thank you.

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You are definitely not alone with this. Many of us know your pain and the fear of having to go through court proceedings because of your parents' dementia. If this has happened before, hopefully others are aware of that. This would help you a lot.

No, she likely won't listen to you, as she can't remember where she put it, so you (if you are the caregiver) must have taken it. That’s her logic.

The horrible part is, sometimes elders are taken advantage of this way, so law enforcement is more apt to follow through (which they should if it's true). The good part is that the kind of thing you describe happens so frequently, that they likely understand that side, too.

Get anyone you know behind you. Even though, painful as it is, your parents may not be convinced until they stumble on the jewelry, it's time to start getting some witnesses to understand this is a common happening. That could help protect you in the future.

Others on this site have had this happen, so watch for comments.
Carol
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I'm there as well. My mother tells people that I have stolen her jewelry, money, and CD's of her favorite singers. She hasn't directly accused me, but tells anyone who listens that it's true.

Best not to try to deny accusations or to reason with the patient. Instead, you might offer to help search for the items when you're there next time. Ask "Where was the XXX last time you saw it?"
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Good idea, Butterball. Looking with them (if they allow it) is a great plan.
Carol
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Thanks to all for your answers. And as Carol has already seen between the lines...look with them (IF THEY ALLOW IT). You sure you haven't already met my mother? (smile) Once she gets something in her mind, she's is convinced and there is nothing you can do to change it. Like the fact we have 6 bathrooms (we have 3). Or we have a basement (never had one). She told me the entry to the other bathrooms was through my father's bathroom. I took her there and said, "Show me the door". Of course it wasn't there. Because, she said, I HAD MOVED IT. You gotta laugh at the craziness to keep from crying/screaming. And sometimes it's not so easy. Thanks to you all for the support.
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My friend's mom accused her of taking $50 from her that was in a bank envelope. After several months of hearing about it, she placed $50 into a bank envelope, hid it in the house, then offered to help her mom "find" the money. Well, they "found" it alright. When mom opened the envelope, the first thing she said was, "I didn't have any tens in my envelope.

Talk about fooling some of the people some of the time!
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Based on what I've read, this is a warning flag for Alzheimer's. Is this a possibility?
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Remember that your loved one is feeling less capable of taking care of themselves. They are not used to relying on us adult children (or anyone) for help. They feel vulnerable.

Whether you live with your parent or not, you are a care-giver. I URGE you to speak with a therapist for yourself. I have learned so many skills on handling issues that happen with my dad. Dad does not have dementia but he has underwent chemo for cancer and has become very reliant on me. Sometimes he thinks I hide his car keys - I do! I do not want him to drive.

But I sat down with dad and said "you and I are going to be honest with each other. I will never hide anything from you. I will help you all I can. I will push you to get better. You cannot drive yet. But if you want cash in your wallet, I understand that and I will make sure there is cash in there."

Dont get cops involved if you are accused of stealing. Talk with other family members. Get everyone together to help search for missing item.

Accept your parent is scared and dont get defensive or condescend. Acknowledge that not finding something must be distressing and admit it happens to you too!
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Thank you all. We needed to read this.
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You might offer to help them get a safe box at their bank. After my mom died, and before we knew how bad Dad's dementia was, he destroyed their federal savings bonds. We were able to replace them ( a long saga with a very happy ending) and put them in a lock box at the bank. It's not a perfect solution, but maybe it could work for you.
Most solutions aren't simple, are they?
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I was a bank manager for 25 years and always took care of my mother in law. When she accused me of stealing from her, I was devastated. But I had to remember that this was the disease, not her. Her children who were in denial about the alzheimers started to believe the doctors at that point.
Mom has been in a nursing home now for 3 years and she has moved away from the stealing topic. She normally has 3 questions that she asks over and over again. We just answer and move her on to something else. But please know that it seems that every patient goes through this.
I always thought it was because she was losing control and she didn't know where to start. Children always blame other children when they can't explain what is going on.
In mom's case, I never left her. She even accused her son of aweful things but we stood there and still went to see her and take care of everything every day. She still knows us and she always says "I wouldn't have a life if it weren't for you and Sherri"..."You never forget about me". She does talk about us nasty when we are not there...but I will take that...I tell her that she doesn't have to worry about what she had for lunch..that isn't important..as long as she remembers us!
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I don't understand how someone who has obvioud dementia can act normal around others. My father accuses me of stealing ....even to the point of stealing things from his bank safety deposit box which is impossible. He hurtfully accused me of stealing the necklace off my dying mother's neck. He has kicked my out and will not talk to me.
I talk to others he knows and they say he seems normal.
Any advice on what I should do?
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Although I've not been accused of "stealing," per se, Mom has asked me more than once when I'm going to return all the things I've been borrowing from her. We have 2 separate rooms, 2 separate bathrooms, we do not have the same taste in clothing or jewelry, and we are definitely not the same size. Being rather confused the first time I was asked this, I asked her what I borrowed from her. She didn't know. I asked her when I borrowed these (mystery) items from her. She didn't know. But she was sure I borrowed from her all the time. I tried to reassure her that I had not borrowed anything from her at any time, but she just wasn't buying it. I finally told her I would go and look for the things and put them back in her room. That satisfied her, and she forgot about the whole conversation an hour later.

Until about 3 weeks later when she started the whole routine all over again........(sigh).
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My mother in law accused me of stealing from her right before Christmas. She cut the entire families Christmas gifts and this was her rationale. At that point, the entire family knew she was having severe problems. I wouldn't steal from her..I worked for a Bank for 25 years. I cleaned up the messes when she didn't pay her bills.
Please remember these actions aren't your Mom. With these problems of the mind if she is like my mother in law, she will go through several mind & personality changes. It is really difficult until they know that they are having problems. I don't know how I would be if I couldn't remember just normal everyday things and I think what is really scary is the paranoia that accompanies this. Mom would call us in the middle of the night and she would think she was robbed or people were looking in her windows.
She would take watches, checkbooks and things that everyone knew didn't belong to her...but in her mind...she had one and she thought it belonged to her. That is the reason there is such problems in nursing homes...The residents don't intentionally steal...they truly believe the items or money is there's and that is why they pick it up.
I hope this helps you. I know it is difficult but please know you are not alone. I just always try to remember that this isn't her. I love her and try to make her days as happy and comfortable as possible. She has alienated the entire family against her and ourselves. I resent that also but I try to remember that if the family spent the time with her that they should have they would recognize and understand the symptoms.
We are lucky because she still recognizes my family and she is happy in the facility. She also knows that she has problems. She broke her back in April falling out of bed. I had her out the other day and she told me she was sorry if she ever said anything bad about me. She told me that I was the only one who really cares about her.
She does have times when she is lucid. It is those times that makes it all worthwhile...it is then that you see a glimpse of what used to be. It is those times that you know that your parent does know what you have done and that you love them.]
Don't give up....she knows you love her...it is just a very confusing time for her...
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Thank you for your reply. I am struggling to try to keep in mind this is a sickness, but as you know it is hard not to be emotional. My father will not see or talk to me and since he seems normal to others I can't believe he thinks I am such a thief. We used to be really close.
I feel like I should take some action but do not know what to do. Should I call his doctor. Would medication help? or is this just the way he is going to think from now on? He is 78. Thank you for any advice.
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My mother does this all the time but it isn't me that she is accusing, it's people at the ALF.....Thru time I have learned all of her hiding places and make sure that we look under the matteras, etc and eventually the missing items turn up. This is very common in people with dementia I'm sorry to say...Hopefully the missing jewelry will turn up soon
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When my mother in law started having problems, I saw it because I was with her all the time. My husband was in denial and his brothers never did much so they didn't know what was going on. She could act normal for a while and she would only see them or the neighbors for moments or maybe an hour or so at the longest. They never knew how she didn't change her clothes for weeks, not pay her bills or just the things I just knew wasn't right.
I took her for a geriatric assessment. I made the arrangement through the local council for aging but your doctor should be able to tell you. They can tell you what problems are occurring. They could tell us that mom was in the beginning of Alzheimers and where her deficits are.
They can also help with what medications to take that will help with the behaviors. I hope this helps. It is best to get the doctor on board with you now, it will help you and your dad. But please remember, this is an illness..he doesn't mean what he is saying. He doesn't understand what is going on. And know also that it may not always be like this...know that you are not alone....God Bless!
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AHHH, we are going through the same thing. Although, when we find something that she accuses us of stealing-(it is my mother in law), she says we are trying to make her think she is crazy.

I am at my wits end...
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omg something similar here. Mother asked if I knew Chris, a worker in the dining roong at her assissted living center. At one time I do remember him living across from her in another apt complex, but when she reffered to him where she's now living, no I didn't know who he was.
She's asked me several times if I know Chris, finally I said No I don't... her response was "oh you do too, you said you did"....ahhh!! and I said, ok, so what happend did he do today? She has it out for him and doesn't trust me.
Sometimes I think she's playing mental games with me.
She said she hears kids playing in her living room at night and he's in there with them, she's afaid to get up to go to the bathroom, thinking they'll do something to her.
Got her started on meds and she seems to be doing better, however, everyweek end, she has wild stories and we're beginning to think she's not taking her meds, she's done this before and the antics only happens on the weekend when don's are not there.
whew....tired. Love to all
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My mother has just accused me of "beating her with a cane" one evening when she was in the ALF (I'm quite sure they would have noticed, as would the other visitor who was present with me)! A few months before, I had "stolen all her jewelry." Now, she's got a "caregiver" who solicited her at the nursing home where she is employed and where my mom was recovering from a broken hip That's NOT illegal, folks! Watch out! This otherwise exceptional nursing home had no policy against their employees moonlighting, and this person was a dishwasher there, so she has no credentials at risk. This "caregiver" has rescued my mother from me, her evil daughter, and taken her home from the ALF (where three doctors said she needed to stay, post multiple strokes). She has revoked my POA, and gotten one for herself, and is looking for the "money I took from" my mother (which of course, is more of my mother's stories. Duh). So, nobody here is alone, and although I'd heard stories and seen things as an Occupational Therapist for 25+ years, I can't believe how hard it really is when it happens to you. To make matters worse, my mother was terrible at the parenting thing (to put it very very mildly), so I don't have those fond memories to soften the blows. Good luck to all of us - personally, I am always going to make plans one step ahead of my own aging, so I can do it gracefully and not destroy everyone in the process.
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The safe box at the bank will protect things you don't want lost. However, when i rea the suggestion what came to mind was you might end up making alot of bank visits. If you do use the safe box make a list of what's in it so you can reassure your LO if they ask. My mom accused my sister of stealing her silver and other stuff. That was in So CA before I knew something was wrong with mom; i didn't know what to believe. I remember my sister telling me about this. Ironically, a little side tracking here, i went to visit mom and sis cuz mom said her stomach hurt. Sister wouldn't accompany mom to er when mom had chest pains and i called my sister once to do a welfare check on mom. sister wouldn't do it so I had to call the police. i live in s.f. Anyway mom always told my sister if i was coming to town. in retrospect i guess mom didn't do so this time. arrived at moms late at night and the place was a mess. won't go into that now. next day mom and i ran around. one stop was the bank which was normal for us to do. mom wanted to close her account so i took her to the bank. i'd done so many many times. BIL walked in and the air became thick and i felt very uncomfortable. Whe mom and i got home i called my sister like i always did and she started screaming that i snuck into town to steal moms money. So its my sister accusing me and she hasn't talked to me in 5 years and only sporadically sends a card or gift to mom who is still with me in s.f. sister has never visited mom. End of rant. My mom never accused me of stealing but she hid things all the time and we'd have to take the bedroom apart to find it. She always hid the purse and i'd learn it was lost just as we were ready to walk out the door. of course we had to look for it as it had her checks and bank cards. i'd always panic wondering if she/we left it someplace but eventually we would find it. Its part of AD.
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I wish my mom was here with me still hiding things. I would handle so many things differently. But those days are gone and I am sad.
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what about when they accuse you of stealing something that was never there???? How do you prove it wasnt you when they insist the item was there but never existed??? And you stole it.?
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I have to agree be glad your mom and dad are here. I hid most of my mother's most valuable things so she wouldn't lose them. does your mom have Alzheimer's or dementia, it sounds like the early stages.
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I'm appreciating everyone sharing their stories, as this is new for us. My MIL has accused us of stealing jewelry, household items, even her painkillers when she misplaced them! However, in cleaning out some of her things we found many thank-you notes (she saves everything!) from various friends and family members that she apparently gave many things to - you might look into that yourself. MIL doesn't remember giving anything away, of course, and still blames us. At least we have some proof otherwise. Good luck on this...
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You should not feel guilty about it. if you know you didnt do it, then why moved by your conscience? it's really difficult to understand some elderly but we have to deal with them
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Awww, being called a theif and a liar is really painful. My mom has a personality disorder (NPD) and has always had more paranoia than the average person. Now, factor in dementia and mom becomes more than a handful on a daily basis. Anything that gets moved, misplaced or even thrown away may be asked for later and I will be accused of theft on a daily basis.As I live in the same house with her, I no longer attempt to defend myself. I will begin a quiet search and if found, I will place the missing item on her chair or right in her lap. We go on as though nothing has happened. If I can't find it, I just go into my room and wait out her muttering, cursing and accusations till she runs down. Of course my feelings get churned up too, but I know I am innocent and she's not in her right mind. I am setting into place, resources for her and will be getting my own place nearby. Time spent with her will need to be limited, for my own sanity. Of course, a part of me wants to feel guilty, and feel like a quitter, but leaving is the healthy thing for me to do.
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i also hid the things that mom could not afford to lose...SS card, jewelry etc etc. if she lost anything i knew we didn't have to worry. Before this great idea, she did accuse me of mis spending some money but that was a brief time.

Worse my sister 5 years ago thought i snuck into town to steal mom's money....and she hasn't talked to me in 5 years over this....in the back of my mind i wonder if my sister has early onset of alzheimer's but then her husband backs her so i doubt that both of them have alzheimer's. find a solution for this issue as suggested here and earlier and love your mom as much as you can....
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My 94 year old mother said she had been saving her money and had $20,000 hidden. She said she went in the other day and the envelope was gone. Now it is only me and mom here in this house and talk about being devestated about her thinking I took all her money tore me up last night. I feel better this morning and feel like I can deal with it but it took me some time to get to this place. It does have me scared that my sisters and brother will believe that I took it.

Several years ago the house was turned over into my name since I have been here with mom for 10 years. She told me yesterday that she gave it to me. Of course I had to chime in to her and let her know that I have earned this meager little house of 59,000.00 but she insisted that I did not earn it. I shut up and went on but it does hurt me that she feels this way and now tells others that I have taken some money, lots of money. This is a very tough place to be.
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OK, I have read all the above & all thou they are helpful to me, the only thing you say in the person being accused is to talk to a therapist...My mom passed away 10 months ago unexpected, left my dad alone, I have 3 other siblings that dont live in the same town as my Dad & I do, I live in my own house with my husband about 5 mins away from my dad who refuses to leave his home he wants to live & die there, I would never take him out of his home as long as he can handle living alone, the other day my brother who lives along way away from her said my dad was accusing me of taking money from his bank account, which I am not, my sister & I have power of attorney, and both her & I can pay his bill thru his bank account she can see what I do with his money & I can see what she does, she knows Im not touching his money for anything other than his bills & groceries which I mostly buy. The problem is for the past 10 months since my Mom passed, I have been the only one that looks after my Dad, my other siblings dont help me at all, I have put my grieving for my Mom who was also my best friend on the back burner so I can help my Dad get thru his process, We know he has the start of dementia but is not deemed bad enough to be put in a home, my hands are tied, until he either hurts himself, starts a fire or does something that tells the medical or mental health people hes not capable they wont help. I am having a real hard time trying to deal with all this, and the stress and strain and the fact Im missing my Mom and not gone thru the grieving process has taken its toll. Anyone from Canada that can suggest anything that helps my particular situation?? My Dad is a WWII Vet by the way and I suspect he suffers from PSTD, hes very nasty to me yells at me all the time, my Mom use to tell me he has bad dreams about the war. Im at my wits end, I would like his last year or years to be memorable ones something I can have when he is gone but right now they are miserable times and I just dont know where to turn.
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I am new to this site, but am grateful that it is here. My mom is 87 and we are pretty sure she has dementia. At least my sister and I are. My brother and my niece are in denial. I am being accused of stealing from her and it is so hard to take. I only get to see her for a month, once a year, so it makes it hard. When I visited this spring, we talked about selling the house and getting her into something safer. After I came home, she changed her mind. The house has steep stairs and I worry that she will fall. She still lives alone, though my niece and brother check on her. She is also a hoarder. With my brother in denial, she has someone to say yes , her daughter did steal from her. He backs her up. Her own sister is aware of the dementia as their brother also has it. She told me it will only get worse. Seeing others going through the same things is helpful. Thanks for being here.
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