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She can hire help, she can get on the dole, but nothing is worth your marriage or your sanity. I walked when I was made to feel like dirt and that nothing was good enough. I had to learn to set boundaries.
I am sorry your mother has abused you all your life.
I do not feel that morally an adult child should be required to care for their lifelong abuser simply because they share genes.
Still, it is wise to talk to an elder care attorney in your state to ensure that you do not live in a state with filial responsibility laws. This is for your protection. You can move to another state to avoid the law.
In those types of states, unless you can prove the parent has been estranged from you for ten years or more or has physically abused you, with reports filed, then you may be on the hook financially for her care.
Here are the states that still harbor these antiquated filial responsibility laws.
Currently, thirty states (Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, ...
Does State Law Require You to Support You Aging Parent?
www.medicalalertadvice.com/articles/does-state-law-require-you-to-support-your-aging-parent/
Cristycat posted hostile remarks about many of the comments on this thread, complete with angry cussing. I reported her post, and probably others did too, and it was removed.
Wishing you the best, Upstream!
I agree with Pepsee's comments and advice wholeheartedly.
I'm sure it's been a long hard journey for you, on so many levels. This is a family disease as it's affects are far reaching. So forget what it does to those close by. In the line of fire, if you will.
A thousand ppl can tell you to step back, but until you're satisfied you've had enough, it doesn't matter. Hopefully you're at that point.
There's not much I can tell you about alcoholic behaviors nor how to help. I'm sure you've covered and seen it all. And my heart goes out to you.
It takes so much work to get just one day of sobriety. Let alone maintaining it for any period of time. Every moment is like torture, in the beginning.
Mom has a soul sickness. Alcohol is her solution.....to everything. Every pain, loss, disappointment and fear. It feels good to drink ourselves numb, into Oblivion. It shuts our emotions, mind and memories down. Alcoholics even have pain inside with no clue where it originated. They just hurt, become bitter, angry and self loathing. Then defensive and lash out.
They know their being judged. They are well aware what ppl say about them. And trust me, they feel the same way about themselves. No one can beat up an alcoholic more then themselves. No one.
Mom sees no easy way out. She surely isn't willing, at this age, to put in the work to change. Look at it from her point of view. She's pushing 80, sick, tired, and feels like she's in a deep dark hole. The climb is just too much.
The one thing she'd need to get sober, she doesn't have...hope.
Let her live and die as she chooses. I strongly doubt she'll make it anywhere near her 90s.
Unplug from her now. It's hard to want more for someone, then they want for themselves. At this point say...
"This is where Mom ends....And I begin."
I'd suggest not enabling her drinking nor it's consequences. Buy her a LifeLine device, and walk away.... completely.
If need be, talk to a therapist and/ or hit a few Al-Anon meetings. They will teach you to detach with love and without guilt and poisonist resentments. Plus untangled the madness that's left behind, in you.
Big Cyber Huggz Upstream! Your new chapter is just beginning! 🤗
Your mom will be better off in the hands of professionals because if you could have helped her, you would have long ago & she'd be sober now - this is not a negative comment about you because I'm sure you have tried many times but a realistic comment about her not being able to help herself
You now meed to make your plan for how to deal with her in the future & stick with it even go as far as writing it out then so when they ask just pass the papers over - have it on hand so that the hospital knows that you have a well thought out [pre-]plan & won't be changing it - I'd even put in big letters on front or second page that you will not be persuaded to change your mind & that the second request will be treated as un-necessary harrassment with legal conscquences to those who do so ... that should abruptly stop them in their tracks
Be supportive & visit her but DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU - if you do she will corrupt your life & you may never recover - we all hope the best for you but you must know that sitting down & doing a written game plan may be the best way to make those who might try to persuade you otherwise that it is a 'NO GO' - the fact that you have prepared a written text means that you are with it & have done much thinking on the matter it is not just off the cuff - good luck & stay firm
I knew someone very recently who should be living in a nursing home due to so many problems; she went AMA from the hospital and coerced her son into picking her up. She has since fallen numerous times and is back in the hospital. And this is someone who is not alcoholic and should be able to make sound decisions but is too stubborn for her own good. And by the way, son totally was guilted into being her ride and regretted it the minute he picked her up.
Add, alcoholism into the mixture, and you are right to think she shouldn't be home by herself, but you have had the weight of the world on your shoulders and cannot fix her and you are not responsible to do so. Refusing to pick her up might just be the indicator the hospital needs to make alternative living arrangements.
Take care of yourself.
As for our friend she alone can take our suggestions and do what she feels is right. Life is short. But I pray she gets to live it and not live her mother's life.