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Then, work with your family to decide, jointly, what the best course of action is for you.
My grandparents stayed in their homes until their deaths in their late 80s and early 90s. I saw my parents working alongside my aunts and uncles to share the responsibilities. Now, I care for my mom. It is a life changing experience. It is hard. I give up a lot. But, it not a burden for me. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make and learn and grow from daily.
Also, it costs $5-6k/month for a high quality cotinuum of care facility. That would be $250,000 my mom would have spent in the last 5 years of me supporting her. And, at almost 90, she's still healthy and doing well - with help. I support her, and she is still a support to me.
Perhaps the real question is: how do I ensure I am a person my child wants to care for in my old age?
For those of us whose relationship with our parent/s is for whatever reason 'toxic', living with them would simply be counterproductive for both parties. I am not willing to ruin my life and hers, although I accept that AL or a care home is not ideal. For my mum, nothing would be ideal.
Even if I had had kids, I would never put them through what my raging narcissist father put me through. I am already researching CCRC/Life care communities in Florida. DH and I saved up our whole lives for a secure retirement. We applied for LTC insurance in our 40's. He was approved, I was not due to my VA disability for PTSD. As soon as we feel we can't maintain the upkeep of our house or something else happens, we will sell it. Right now we are concentrating on the health issues the past few years have caused, but my next project/goal is to de-clutter and get organized while I'm still physically able. Caregiving was overwhelming and I'm still recovering. The best years of my retirement were stolen from me. I'm trying to move past all the anger but I'm not there yet.
I have told my children" when you see me ______( see above)have the talk right away with me so i can decide with you what i should do."
Pre-plan. Have written wishes and arrangement with the children. Look up resources now and have them in a notebook.
The answer to your question about your own care is easy: move into a full-range care facility if you grow elderly and need the beginnings of assistance. When you require a higher level of care, you will be automatically moved in-house in accordance with your care needs. Your kids can be as involved as much or as little as they want.
As for your current healthcare issues, most will agree that taking care of elderly parents is extremely stressful. Have you considered inquiring about antidepressants? If you are having difficulty sleeping or coping, this could give you your life back.
My DH says he wants to visit a volcano & slip in. Very practical. Can you imagine a tour guide assisting an old man with a walker up to the rim? 🤣🤣🤣
Also, setting up a pre-need burial/cremation plan is advised as well. It saves time and expedites everything.
For those with children, make it clear to them how difficult this journey has been for you and that you do NOT want them to have to struggle with this. No matter how old they are, there are difficulties in every age bracket when it comes down to 24/7 care. Younger adults may have growing families and careers. Later adults may be empty-nested, but still have to ensure they get their last years in to ensure maximum retirement benefits for their own potential needs. Retired adults often have their own medical issues to deal with.
Thats why it's important for people to plan in advance, to have a professional caregiver when it's needed. Or plan which care facility to go to when needed.
Adult Children can visit as a daughter or son, instead of being a burnt out caregiver.
Some people say, your parents took care of you, now you pay it back. I feel the way you pay it back is raising your own children. That's what your parents raised you for. Not so you can be your parent's servant, but so you can raise your own family, and pass down the traditions and values they taught you.
Simple concept, but some don't see it that way. I do. Nothing wrong with being the 24/7 IF that's your CHOICE. If so, go for it and we wish you all the best! If not, we can ensure they have good care and be there as loving children instead of nurse-maids.
You may want to consider counseling to settle past issues with your parents/step parents and set boundaries so you are not overwhelmed with guilt and annoyance. My sister is 70 and is lucid but she constantly retells the stories of her wedding design business, clothing design and tailoring business for local stars and politicians as well as reliving her life in Houston as well as her multiple accidents and health issues. The stories become larger than life and definitely grow depending upon her audience. I no longer listen either by leaving the house, closing my bedroom door or putting on earphones. Can't take the stress of the diva act.
You are responsible first and foremost for yourself and it is up to you to find your boundaries while being a caregiver. I think it is so sad that many are not willing to work with their children/family/friends to actively discuss what the parameters are of growing old whether healthy or not. And this notion of not wanting to burden the next generation is very reflective of how our society has become -- especially during the pandemic with the attitude by my 30-50 year olds that if the aged contract COVID 19 let them die. What a sad world we have evolved to kicking the older generation out of our lives.
I too believe in assisted suicide. I have two different orders saying I do not want to be kept alive. To me, it isn't a matter of letting me die, like it is a bad thing. I am going to be 87 in June. I ache all over, I have multiple health problems, and it is not going to get better.
I do not believe in having the medical profession keep me alive when my quality of life is gone, just because they can. Let me go. I do not believe this life is all there is. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, is on the other side.
I wonder what people who believe that "God calls people home" are thinking when they keep people alive with machines. Do they wonder if they are thwarting God's will by keeping the person here?
People have been dying since the world began. As the Line King Move said, " it is the circle of life". I do not see any point in keeping someone alive when their quality of life is zero. Back in the old days that didn't happen. It is only now that modern medicine can keep your body going for a long time has that been an issue.
As for now; my daughter told me, I needed to find someone to clean the house. So, I did. It took awhile, but I have someone. When they tell me I need to do, whatever, I put myself in their shoes and usually do it. I don't want them worrying about me.
They have access to my medical records, that way they can talk to the doctor about my health. If they feel I need to see a specialist, I do it. In other words, I try to do whatever so they don't worry about me.
I have girlfriends I can b**** to about my health. I try to be upbeat when they talk to me. I do tell them serious stuff, but not in a whiny voice. I also, have a life of my own, my own friends, I do not depend on them for social contacts.
I began going with my mom to her doctors when she was still an active 70 year old and I was able to change PCP's due to the hospital preference the family had because her previous PCP did not have hospital privileges. She often would accept our suggestions and it proved to be most beneficial when she turned 90 and her health was showing decline although her mental state was fully lucid.
I'm now my younger sister's primary caregiver and is living with me. Roommates again after 50 years. In the past 3 years, she has had numerous serious health issues however, she is beginning to turn the corner and will be moving into her senior living apartment next month. It has not been a bed of roses by any stretch but she now realizes at 70 she needs to grow up and try living on her own. She is able to cook and has an aide/CNA/housekeeper 5 days a week for a total of 20 hours which is subsidized by the state. It has made a huge difference for me as well as her.
We need to be pro-active with how we prepare for our next career/living situation. However, the most drastic approach to avoiding having to be a burden to children/family/ friends would be to move to a state that allows assisted suicide to remove the caregiving burden. Before you do, just make certain that your family is well aware that it is your decision so they are not burden with guilt.
We also are thinking of moving (almost NO one visits us here) to a location where it'll be easier for family to at least travel to in order to visit us, and where IL/AL/MC will be more affordable when we might need that in the future. (My mother lives in San Diego and her AL is $9K a month.)
In addition to my long-distance caregiving duties to my mom, the COVID lockdown et cetera has changed our perspectives. We don't know where to move to yet, but I am NOT in love with our geographic location so I am okay with going somewhere new (warmer) that hopefully has more community to offer us now (late 60s/early 70s) and as we age.
It is our responsibility to care for ourselves, and not demand this of our sons, as my mom once demanded of me (to leave my husband, dog, house, life, everything and move in with her to take care of her every whim until she dies. That is what she said!). My responsibility to her is to make sure she is taken care of, and she is - by people who are skilled, trained, and work in shifts (as opposed to a live-in family member 24/7).
But the reach of her guilt-training is long, and I wrestle with it like a high school wrestling match when both participants are determined to win the championship. For that I have no answer. Or peace.
my answer is long term insurance.
I hear you and believe we are all going through the same thoughts, doubts, hurt, frustration you are.
It is the cycle of life. My parents did with my grandma, I am going through with my dad. I do not have any children so the cycle stops here.
To be quite frank with you my husband and I are hoping we go quickly into to that gentle midnight.
Best wishes to you and all of us.
There is no guarantee that you might be a small burden on your daughter too. But this is called love. When we love one another, we put others first. We get over our selves and think about how other people feel.
Our parents hate growing old. Because we love them, we take care of them. Yes, it is tough, yes, it hurts. It is the hardest job out there.
We can get some help from good services, get support from friends, books, agencies, and self-care. But in the end help comes from an attitude of a servants heart, doing it for God and love.
We must think about how they feel, and how much we are needed.
Your daughter will hate some days, just as you do. However, if you teach her to look for the good, to put others first and to have the heart of a servant, she will take care of you with love.
Seek help when you need it, ask friends and agencies to give you breaks. Set aside monies for Assisted Living to take you in when you age. But most of all, love others, do what you do for God, He changes our hearts.
1.
Have the money to hire a Caregiver 24 7 or a Live In to take care of you.
2.
Have to go live a worse life in a Senior Home.
3.
Pray you die before you get that bad off.
Eat healthy - prevents or manages diabetes, strokes, heart disease
Get that 7-9 hours of sleep - helps clear debris from brain associated with Alzheimer's disease.
Drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of fluids (preferable water) - clears toxins from blood stream, prevents blood clots
Exercise - 30 minutes 5-7 days of the week. It can be broken into smaller segments throughout the day. Aim to walk fast enough you can't hold deep conversation, stretch all body parts until you reach the point of can't go father, and strength train (lift, push, pull) every major muscle 20 repetitions or until muscles say enough.
Take care of business. It is easier for our caregivers when they know our intentions.
Financial - streamline finances with automatic payments (no missed payments), online banking and online bills (easier to check payments and discover hackers), and financial power of attorney (allows very trustworthy person to do business in your name).
Legal - see a lawyer that specializes in estate planning to have legal documents drawn up: medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney, will, advanced directive, do not resuscitate... and anything special if you have a lot of assets or investments.
Medical - get an annual physical, keep up with vaccinations, see dentist every 6 months, follow your doctor's advice
Get organized - simplify your home before you need to, downsize to a smaller place as your abilities diminish, create 2 binders with all your important information in one place (medical history, surgical history, allergies, list of medications and how you take them, names and contact information of everybody you do business with, insurance information...), give 1 binder to the person who will be your caregiver or holds medical power of attorney, and keep 1 binder in an easy to see location (I like making mine in neon colors or red).
Ask for help - when it becomes more difficult to do something, get help
Stay connected - meet with friends weekly (online if you must during COVID), go to church, keep your brain active with fun activities with others, write letters, make phone calls to family and friends, make sure all these people have phone number for person that has your medical power of attorney AND let everybody know who to call if you have an emergency.
And then make sure your loved ones know and understand exactly what you want and don't want, regarding your care. If things are made clear, there should be no issues in carrying out a persons wishes."
I also recommend:
- A living trust. I have a living trust where my bank's Trust department takes over if I'm physically and/or mentally incapacitated and acts as successor trustee when I die. My trust department's representative instructed me to put everything possible into the trust so the department can take care of it should I become incapacitated. My dogs, household goods, and my historical research are included too!
- A Specific Durable POA for "stuff" for those items that can't or shouldn't be in the living trust like vehicles or an IRA account and other accounts like the power company and phone company. (The trust department CAN ONLY handle things in the trust.) So, if I deteriorate mentally, my friend is my Agent and has the authority to take care of non-living trust stuff like selling my car to collect the proceeds for my care or dealing with governmental agencies or the utility companies.
- A General Durable POA for my friend as a over-arching device in case I miss something that hopefully an agency will accept.
Unless you have a complicated estate, with expert advice, both online and book-published, you can research how to do this yourself. (When I wrote my first living trust and other items, I did take them to a lawyer who specialized in all this to review it. It wasn't real expensive and he gave me excellent advice.) Certainly, if you have any concerns, see a lawyer.
At the very least do some of the following.
Set your wishes down in writing. Complete a POLST or whatever it is called in your state. This is a more detailed document than a DNR. Keep a copy with you AT ALL TIMES, If you are taken to the hospital and it is not available "it does not exist". If you call paramedics and it is not visible "it does not exist". Make sure your loved ones are aware of the document and they also have a copy.
If you can prepay for a funeral that would be great. Make the arrangements that YOU want. This takes a lot of stress off family AND they can not be pushed into "more" than can be afforded.
Talk to an Elder Care Attorney or Family Lawyer and have a Will done and have in place who you select as POA for Health and Finances. It can be different people.
If you chose to, and can afford it looking into Continuing Care Communities is a great idea. One that will take you from Independent (if you wish) to Assisted to Memory Care of Skilled Nursing if either are needed. If this is not an option start making changes to your house so it is accessible if you need to use a walker, wheelchair or if caregivers need to use equipment when caring for you. Durable flooring, the type that can stay wet for a while, no carpeting. Wider doorways, or put the hinges on that allow for full swing on the doors. A walk in or preferably a roll in shower.
Start purging "stuff" from the house. That stuff no one wants. Great Aunt Millie's dresser, the collection of spoons you got on family vacations. The clothes in the back bedroom that will NEVER fit again. Give away what you can, sell what no one wants, donate what does not sell.
I am sure you will get a lot of other ideas.
1) We are cleaning up our messes now. Lots of accumulated stuff is going to nieces and nephews who are just starting out on their own. We are asking our kids which stuff they would like to inherit (or just get when we downsize).
2) We are not waiting for the time when our children will "put" us into some kind of residential care. We are checking out the options now, while we still have the energy to do the legwork.
3) We are sharing our plans with our children, letting them know that if they think it is time to give up on the house before we make the move, tell us. We could get lazy. We promise to listen to them.
4) We are sharing our financial status with them, telling them our plans. Considering how close I am to my sons, I am amazed at how difficult this is. Glad I am doing it now and not when my mind is half shot.
5) We are writing down plans and reviewing them so that we do not slip in our intentions as the mind starts to wander.
6) Our children are already listed in our doctor's offices as HIPPA authorized. My investment/brokerage companies and banks list my sons as authorized to be called if these companies have questions about my accounts.
7) We have wills, letters of advisement, and limited power of attorney documents already signed in case an emergency requires quick changes.
8) We have each made a list of deadlines. When I can no longer...(fill in the blank) ...I will know it is time to move before...(whatever). In my case when I cannot get my flowerbeds ready to have the mulch blown into place in February, it is time to get help to do the final sprucing up and put the house on the market.
9) We are also talking about the positive reasons to be moving to a residential facility. We don't want to feel like we are leaving behind everything nice. We will be moving to a place where someone else will scrub the toilets, where there the lawns will be mowed without me lifting a finger. My sister is moving somewhere where she will not have to cook or change the sheets on the beds. Another sister is moving to a place where there will always be someone willing to play cards and a mini-van to take us to see the azaleas in the spring. You get the idea. Staying at home gives us space and familiar surroundings, moving on gives us other things.
We will not wait for our children to tell us we need to move, we will move while we are still able to make the most of the next stage.
How refreshing to hear you collaborate, rather than live in denial like the vast majority.
I wish I had that.
Thanks for sharing that well thought out plan.
#inspiring 🌷 👁
I have a house (apartments not so easy with kids, but doable.) This one isn't the one they were raised in. Has almost 5 acres, but VERY little yard, and I'm taking that over with garden for veggies. Eliminates mowing and the time it takes!
My plan was to get the place worked on, then go through stuff and start pitching things. Unfortunately the work went on hold due to job loss, then having to manage things for mom, almost 2 years lost to the condo, and too much of her "stuff" was brought here by OB. UGH! Why he didn't pitch half that crap I don't know! Then she passed, so all her remaining stuff came here. Double UGH! I started going through the clothing and linens, and it appears I've also inherited other people's stuff too!!! TRIPLE UGH!
When we were arranging to pick up furniture, the nurse asked about the lift chair - huh? Lift chair? Mom didn't have one! I don't know who it belonged to, but I wasn't about to take it! Thankfully my daughter could use the BR furniture, so it went to her place. I have NO room for it here!