What are we supposed to DO so we don't put our kids through this terrible task of caregiving?

As a single adult caregiver who has no kids, I think about how I am going to deal with end-of-life without having kids. I have watched my parents not make moves into living situations that allow them to be more functional as the years pass and I think that if I can at all afford it, I will move into one of those developments that allow you to go from independent senior living all the way to nursing home in the same development. It feels like one of the tricks to aging without dependence on kids is (1) making the assumption that you WILL live until an age when you're completely incapacitated and (2) making decisions when much younger (like late 60s) that will put you in circumstances where the kids will not have to make housing/feeding decisions as much.

Just my two, possibly useless, cents.

Just make sure that you have all your medical paperwork in order, like both POA's(medical and durable), Living Will(advance directive), an actual Will, and either a POLST or DNR.
And then make sure your loved ones know and understand exactly what you want and don't want, regarding your care. If things are made clear, there should be no issues in carrying out a persons wishes.

I’ve picked out my Assisted Living, and TOLD my kids that it’s where I want to go.

I love the house where my husband and I live now, but certainly NOT ENOUGH to saddle my children with trying to keep me here.

I will hopefully remain healthy long enough to see my grandchildren approach adulthood, but I leave the choice of visiting OR NOT, to them. I CHOSE to do what I did for those who depended on me, but my PERSONAL INDEPENDENCE is too important to ME to depend on them.

I’ve told them that if my personal situation indicates that I’m not connecting cognitively, they are to DISREGARD my complaints and insults and tears, and I MEAN IT. They have known me as a loving and supporting parent, and I want THAT MEMORY to be the one that lasts.

My “departure service” will be preplanned and paid for.

If anything else occurs to me while I’m still mentally competent, I’ll incorporate it into my “declining” plans.

I love them dearly, and I’ll do ALL I can to spare them.

Of course, all of my legal responsibilities are in place.

The most important thing is make sure you have finances in order. Everything is much easier without financial struggles in play.

I love this discussion and glad you brought it up. I am youngest female in the family. My mother and sister are passed away now. My sister was 12 years older than me, and her generation was really different than mine. She came of age in the 50s and me in the 60s. Big difference. Anyway, I feel I have learned a lot going through their aging and care in their final days. I will not be like them. I will never, ever burden my children with my care in any way if I can help it. My husband and I have planned ahead so we hopefully have enough until the ends of our lives. I actually told my one daughter that when I get old and hard to deal with, that if it becomes necessary to put me in a home, then go on with her life and visit only when she feels like it, even if it's not at all. Of course, she said, "Mom, I'm not going to do that!" But that's what I want, actually. I don't want to be the mother or sister that someone dreads "having" to go visit. I have a rather solitary personality so I'm okay with being alone, if it means not annoying my children or grandchildren. I'll be fine. We enter the world alone; we exit it alone.

Isn't there a scheme some people use to live permanently on cruise ships? That could be fun.

This hits me hard...between my mother and my husbands parents we are spending our 50s being guilted into doing things that our parents DID NOT DO for their own parents they were busy going on cruises and vacations in their 50s not doing a darn thing to help their senior parents. Were spending our empty nest years doing what they just dont want to do for their self anymore ( but thats work and were retired they say) Resentment is a daily struggle every single day now. I resent wasting my 50s taking care of people who are going to die in this house but don't do a dam thing for that house they plan on dying in. Ill probably get ridiculed for saying this..but from my personal experience seniors now days are as selfish as I've ever seen ...every single day its me me me me me but what about me.....I will NEVER do this to my children. I didn't have children so they could "take care of me one day ".

I'm an only child managing care for 4 seniors (and one who is now deceased). I've seen a lot (and yet not as much as so many others on this forum): from dealing with Medicaid, social services, unsafe discharges from the ER, guardianship, ending driving privileges, elderly drug addiction, hospice, etc. I chose to involve my then teenaged sons in some of the help so they can have an understanding of what happens when you age, what happens when you don't plan, what happens if you think you unrealistically will never have decline or dementia.

They know me and my husband have PoAs in place (and they know it is them and what the duties are, when the duties kick in and that we in no way want any bickering over our affairs). We have Living Wills (so that no one need make the awful ending of life decision themselves); we have Last Wills (and they already know we have a trust which should be spent on good qualify care for us and whatever is left over will be split 3 ways equally). They have a "working" understanding of how the law works in terms of who can make decisions for another and when. They know in no uncertain terms that they are not to move us into their homes when we seem needy nor orbit around us pretending we are "independent" in our home. They have, first hand, seen the signs of dementia, what a UTI looks like in the elderly, Parkinsons, and the impact of denial and stubbornness. They at least have an idea of when to legally intervene.

The second half of this plan is for me and my husband to be realistic and move ourselves into an appropriate community BEFORE a crisis, BEFORE we "think" we need it, so we get to make the decision while in our right minds and do all (or as much) of that work as possible. Few individuals are able to acknowledge, and then act, when they sense cognitive decline has slipped into themselves, and my sons also know this. So I guess giving your child knowledge and wisdom about what will probably happen is what needs to happen. This way she isn't blind-sided. I would also impress on her that she is NOT your "caregiving plan". She can surely be your helper and manager but not your hands-on daily caregiver. My own mother lives in a small house next to mine and is still mostly independent at 91. My husband and I are not retired and don't plan to be for another few years. I've had the discussion with her that when her care becomes too much for me, she will need to go to the very nice facility where my MIL also is, 3 miles from my house. As my mom's short-term memory erodes, I'm not sure that she will even remember this discussion or like this plan, but we DID discuss it, she DID agree and that's all my conscience needs. So, even if your finances are not stellar, there are still solutions of which you should make your daughter aware for your care, even if it means Medicaid. My MIL is in LTC in a very nice facility as a Medicaid resident. She receives the same care and attention as the private payers. She is even in a private room. She is with people all day and doing better than I think she would cloistered away in a private home. And my husband and I have our lives. I am not judging anyone who wishes to provide hands-on in-home care for their LOs. But it should never come at the cost of their own well-being or future. What would be the point of that? I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you move through your caregiving.

Never did I think my healthy and very independent mom would need the kind of care she needs. She was on no medications - lived on her own - ran her own business and has been fiercely independent since she was 17 years old and left home and then became a single mother in her mid 20s after booting an alcoholic husband. She had a small retirement (which has literally been a lifesaver for me to help supply her needs).
She was 100% proactive in her own health - and even a month before her stroke had just had all her arteries checked and was cleared.
Life happens - bad things happen and they are totally out of our control. Because she lived alone - she was alone when she had her stroke - the clot traveled too long and it was considered a massive stroke. She was just shy of 72 bday - she will now need care for the rest of her life - in a country that isn’t prepared to provide quality places for her type of disabilities.
That has make me -the now 49 year old daughter think about my own as well as my husbands future care.
To be honest - I cannot wrap my head around it yet. I don’t want to put this on anyone I love to do alone either - but I also realize I need to figure out who will fight as hard as I have had to fight if this happens to me.
My husband and I don’t have children - we were the people who took in other people’s kids lol. Scary to think either of us would be sent to a very broken system if our outcome was anything like my moms. Assisted living and memory care places are great fits for some - but they are not a great fit for someone like my mom.
Gosh just what it takes to recognize UTIs (the cognitive decline and strange behaviors) and how to treat them carefully without severe side effects and how to find time in the day to mobilize and immobile person - the baths and hoyering and changing etc etc eats up an entire day. Getting to an appointment is like a entire day for a dr to see you for 15 minutes. So I don’t know the answer this to this question yet - I’m still after 2 years trying to figure it out.
I do know 100% that the care my mother requires and the quality of life she deserves doesn’t appear to exist in my area - but I have not given up - I hope to find the answer and until then I just keep going :).

You're trying to deny the reality that life is a cycle with ups and downs that every single person experiences. That's why marriage vows have "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" in them. Life gives you the good and the bad.

If you don't want your child to experience it, be sure to have plenty of money in the bank to pay for nursing home care, move into one before you need it, and don't go on any medications when you start developing health problems. You'll die more naturally and much faster.

One component is not getting so hellbent about staying in a particular house. So many issues could be avoided if people wouldn’t get so house hung up and realize a home can be anywhere. When a different living arrangement would make more sense, let’s all go for it

I have told my girls that I don't expect them to physically care for me but I do expect them to visit and make me part of their lives. I don't want to be forgotten like my Mom was. I am responsible for my socialization. I am responsible for my happiness.

Eventually, we are going to have to downsize. My husband is not going to be able to continue to do the up keep. I already dread when I need to clean an 8 room house so downsizing will be nice. But will probably hang in there until grandson is older.

As said, get all your paperwork in order. I have all mine in a filing cabinet. I am about ready to reorganize that with notes or what is what and who to call. Get rid of what you don't need or have not used in years. I have been doing this for a while. If not for DH, I could get rid of lots more. That means that China u never use. That punch bowl with 12 cups that was grandma's. Believe me, your kids probably don't want it. I have girls and they don't want any of my stuff.

What always bothered me is "we want to keep Mom in her house as long as possible" and those Ads for reversed mortgages. "So you can stay in your home". To me when it comes to needing a reversed mortgage, time to sell because you can't afford the house any longer. When a spouse dies, so does the money they brought in. This usually effects the woman because the husband made more money. The pension gets cut and so does the SS. I so wish I had talked Mom into selling her house when Dad died and move to an apartment. Her money went into a money pit. There comes a time when staying in your home is not feasible. We need to keep an open mind to changes. Not just how it effects us, but how it effects others. We can't expect our children who have jobs and families of their own to be able to mow our lawn, be Caregivers, ect. So we do what we can for ourselves. Seek out resources. Know when staying in our home is just too much and time to move on. And hopefully we can put some money aside.

In my case, I told my daughters when they said to me, “When you get old we will take care of you like you did with grandma.”

The very first thing I said back to them is, “No, you won’t! Thanks, but no thanks. I want you to live your life for you, not me.”

They were surprised at first. Then they both said, “Thank you, Mom.”

I remember hearing other posters saying that they never felt a responsibility to care for their mom because they didn’t care for their moms. Those moms set the right example for their children.

I think the best way to prevent the cycle repeated is to show our children that our parents will be just fine in a facility.

If possible, never take them in. If that isn’t possible and sometimes it’s not due to extenuating circumstances, then put a time limit on how long they live in your home.

Please don’t leave your own home to be with your parents. Most people regret doing this. Again, if it is necessary to this, put a cap on the amount of time that you will stay.

This isn’t ‘The Waltons.’ That was a television show!

Any other television show that makes it look like ‘one big happy family’ is hogwash! It’s stressful and very often ruins the family dynamics. Sometimes there isn’t even a strong foundation to begin with so you can be sure that the relationship will crumble.

Plus this business of them raising you is a crock! They had to raise you. That’s a parent’s job. Otherwise, it’s neglect and abandonment, in which case they don’t deserve you now sacrificing your life for theirs.

My cousin calls her mom on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to wish a her mom a happy Mother’s Day and happy Father’s Day because her mom raised her alone! I love that she is so very grateful to her mom.

Her dad wishes to be in her life but she says that he is a stranger to her. I understand how she feels this way.

I hate it too. It's hard. It's unrelenting. It's not at all satisfying. The repetition is mind blowing. The bathroom issues and convos - yuck. The complaining - OMG it's too much to listen to.

One of my daughters says no way re taking care of me. Other says yes. She has worked in an AL and knows the deal. BUT, I'm thinking NO. I don't want her to have to take care of me when I'm a difficult pain-in-the-a$$.

When we get older, we plan on downsizing. We already have wills, living wills, POAs and such in place. I would hate to ruin their lives like I feel like mine is. It's not "ruined" it's just hard and not fun.

My children know that this house is just a shell.

Our family’s memories are not contained in a house. They are contained in our hearts and minds. We can see them in pictures. My girls know that I will NOT cling to the idea of staying in this place.

My mother is in MC Assisted Living. My local daughter knows that I would be more than happy to move over there when the time comes. It is lovely.

No way do I want EITHER of my daughters to have to take care of me 24/7 when my mind has left me.

I doubt this will be an issue in my case. No one will be there to take care of me this I already know.

We don’t have any children but if we did I would definitely tell them they are not to take me into their home, especially if I had dementia. My husband said every time your father sees me he tells me Richard is in a wheel chair now & I say that’s too bad. I asked my husband who’s Richard...he said I have no clue 😆

Well, I'm ahead of the game in one way--because I've never owned real estate and have mostly lived in inexpensive apartments, I won't need to downsize because I've never "upsized"! I just want something simple that meets my needs and nothing more.

Although my sisters and I have become close again while helping my Mom in her elder years, we all agree on one thing, "We will not do this to our children." We all live in our own homes now, three of us with our husbands. All four of us are in decent health in our late 60's and 70's. The most important things we are doing to be sure that we do not create difficult obligations for our children:
1) We are cleaning up our messes now. Lots of accumulated stuff is going to nieces and nephews who are just starting out on their own. We are asking our kids which stuff they would like to inherit (or just get when we downsize).
2) We are not waiting for the time when our children will "put" us into some kind of residential care. We are checking out the options now, while we still have the energy to do the legwork.
3) We are sharing our plans with our children, letting them know that if they think it is time to give up on the house before we make the move, tell us. We could get lazy. We promise to listen to them.
4) We are sharing our financial status with them, telling them our plans. Considering how close I am to my sons, I am amazed at how difficult this is. Glad I am doing it now and not when my mind is half shot.
5) We are writing down plans and reviewing them so that we do not slip in our intentions as the mind starts to wander.
6) Our children are already listed in our doctor's offices as HIPPA authorized. My investment/brokerage companies and banks list my sons as authorized to be called if these companies have questions about my accounts.
7) We have wills, letters of advisement, and limited power of attorney documents already signed in case an emergency requires quick changes.
8) We have each made a list of deadlines. When I can no longer...(fill in the blank) ...I will know it is time to move before...(whatever). In my case when I cannot get my flowerbeds ready to have the mulch blown into place in February, it is time to get help to do the final sprucing up and put the house on the market.
9) We are also talking about the positive reasons to be moving to a residential facility. We don't want to feel like we are leaving behind everything nice. We will be moving to a place where someone else will scrub the toilets, where there the lawns will be mowed without me lifting a finger. My sister is moving somewhere where she will not have to cook or change the sheets on the beds. Another sister is moving to a place where there will always be someone willing to play cards and a mini-van to take us to see the azaleas in the spring. You get the idea. Staying at home gives us space and familiar surroundings, moving on gives us other things.

We will not wait for our children to tell us we need to move, we will move while we are still able to make the most of the next stage.

IF you are young enough and can afford it LTC Insurance can help. But it can be very expensive.
At the very least do some of the following.
Set your wishes down in writing. Complete a POLST or whatever it is called in your state. This is a more detailed document than a DNR. Keep a copy with you AT ALL TIMES, If you are taken to the hospital and it is not available "it does not exist". If you call paramedics and it is not visible "it does not exist". Make sure your loved ones are aware of the document and they also have a copy.
If you can prepay for a funeral that would be great. Make the arrangements that YOU want. This takes a lot of stress off family AND they can not be pushed into "more" than can be afforded.
Talk to an Elder Care Attorney or Family Lawyer and have a Will done and have in place who you select as POA for Health and Finances. It can be different people.
If you chose to, and can afford it looking into Continuing Care Communities is a great idea. One that will take you from Independent (if you wish) to Assisted to Memory Care of Skilled Nursing if either are needed. If this is not an option start making changes to your house so it is accessible if you need to use a walker, wheelchair or if caregivers need to use equipment when caring for you. Durable flooring, the type that can stay wet for a while, no carpeting. Wider doorways, or put the hinges on that allow for full swing on the doors. A walk in or preferably a roll in shower.
Start purging "stuff" from the house. That stuff no one wants. Great Aunt Millie's dresser, the collection of spoons you got on family vacations. The clothes in the back bedroom that will NEVER fit again. Give away what you can, sell what no one wants, donate what does not sell.
I am sure you will get a lot of other ideas.

I'd like to add to funkygrandma59's terrific recommendations on April 15, 2021, which are: "Just make sure that you have all your medical paperwork in order, like both POA's(medical and durable), Living Will(advance directive), an actual Will, and either a POLST or DNR. 
And then make sure your loved ones know and understand exactly what you want and don't want, regarding your care. If things are made clear, there should be no issues in carrying out a persons wishes."

I also recommend:
- A living trust. I have a living trust where my bank's Trust department takes over if I'm physically and/or mentally incapacitated and acts as successor trustee when I die. My trust department's representative instructed me to put everything possible into the trust so the department can take care of it should I become incapacitated. My dogs, household goods, and my historical research are included too!

- A Specific Durable POA for "stuff" for those items that can't or shouldn't be in the living trust like vehicles or an IRA account and other accounts like the power company and phone company. (The trust department CAN ONLY handle things in the trust.) So, if I deteriorate mentally, my friend is my Agent and has the authority to take care of non-living trust stuff like selling my car to collect the proceeds for my care or dealing with governmental agencies or the utility companies.

- A General Durable POA for my friend as a over-arching device in case I miss something that hopefully an agency will accept.

Unless you have a complicated estate, with expert advice, both online and book-published, you can research how to do this yourself. (When I wrote my first living trust and other items, I did take them to a lawyer who specialized in all this to review it. It wasn't real expensive and he gave me excellent advice.) Certainly, if you have any concerns, see a lawyer.

Tell your child verbally and in writing you do not want them to take care of you. Spend all your money now. Tell your child they have permission to put you in a nursing home and not to visit. If they love you they won't do what you have asked.

You tell them what you want now so they don't feel guilty or responsible for your care. 'Even if I lose my mind later on and cannot tell you what to do with me, I am ok with living in some kind of facility where others are paid to take care of me. Do NOT take me to your house. Do NOT give up your own life and move in to my house just for the reason of keeping me in my own surroundings.'

Take care of yourself now. Most diseases in industrialized countries are related to lifestyle.
Eat healthy - prevents or manages diabetes, strokes, heart disease
Get that 7-9 hours of sleep - helps clear debris from brain associated with Alzheimer's disease.
Drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of fluids (preferable water) - clears toxins from blood stream, prevents blood clots
Exercise - 30 minutes 5-7 days of the week. It can be broken into smaller segments throughout the day. Aim to walk fast enough you can't hold deep conversation, stretch all body parts until you reach the point of can't go father, and strength train (lift, push, pull) every major muscle 20 repetitions or until muscles say enough.

Take care of business. It is easier for our caregivers when they know our intentions.
Financial - streamline finances with automatic payments (no missed payments), online banking and online bills (easier to check payments and discover hackers), and financial power of attorney (allows very trustworthy person to do business in your name).
Legal - see a lawyer that specializes in estate planning to have legal documents drawn up: medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney, will, advanced directive, do not resuscitate... and anything special if you have a lot of assets or investments.
Medical - get an annual physical, keep up with vaccinations, see dentist every 6 months, follow your doctor's advice
Get organized - simplify your home before you need to, downsize to a smaller place as your abilities diminish, create 2 binders with all your important information in one place (medical history, surgical history, allergies, list of medications and how you take them, names and contact information of everybody you do business with, insurance information...), give 1 binder to the person who will be your caregiver or holds medical power of attorney, and keep 1 binder in an easy to see location (I like making mine in neon colors or red).
Ask for help - when it becomes more difficult to do something, get help
Stay connected - meet with friends weekly (online if you must during COVID), go to church, keep your brain active with fun activities with others, write letters, make phone calls to family and friends, make sure all these people have phone number for person that has your medical power of attorney AND let everybody know who to call if you have an emergency.

There really are only 3 choices you can do.

1.
Have the money to hire a Caregiver 24 7 or a Live In to take care of you.

2.
Have to go live a worse life in a Senior Home.

3.
Pray you die before you get that bad off.

We can prepare all we want, and we should, but nobody can predict the future. Life is full of tragedies and heartache, and there is no way to avoid it. I don't want my children to have to take care of me, either, but we took care of them when they were babies. In turn, children may have to care for their parents some day. It's what families do for the most part.

One thing that will matter: decide how you want to be when you get older. A wonderful happy older (93) friend said that if you're happy and positive when you go into later years, you will be happy and positive during them. That way of being is a wonderful gift to give rather than go down the road of angry, bitter and unhappy (not saying you are those things but I have decided it is important to build the perspective now of how you want to be.) As she said, if you're unhappy and unpleasant now, that won't change when you age. No surprise there, I guess, but so important to plan and design that part now. Congrats for planning ahead!

i actually just thought of this and don't know if someone else said it before. (1) take care of all "end of life" things as far as funeral goes (pre-paid). (2) give your child what ever important items you want them to have now instead of later (3) Make a video with phone or whatever and tell them how much you love them, appreciate them and that when you get older you might repeat things several times, brag or complain about stuff......anything you want them to know or prepare them for the future (since you are going thur this now with your parents). then your child can look back on it and see/hear you and get prepared. You could also (which might be hard), get your name on a list of a AL place so that when the time comes you can be placed there.......(but by the time that happens, your name may have been moved many times back to the bottom). We are pretty much all going to go thru it and if your child is seeing now what you are going thru, they will have an idea of what is to come (but not necessarily). you might be one of the lucky ones and not have any real memory issues, but just pass of old age itself. wishing you luck.

Aging is part of life. It is difficult. When I started looking for the blessings that come when I help my dad, my attitude changed. I started serving him, asking him what I can do each day. When I looked for good, things changed.
There is no guarantee that you might be a small burden on your daughter too. But this is called love. When we love one another, we put others first. We get over our selves and think about how other people feel.
Our parents hate growing old. Because we love them, we take care of them. Yes, it is tough, yes, it hurts. It is the hardest job out there.
We can get some help from good services, get support from friends, books, agencies, and self-care. But in the end help comes from an attitude of a servants heart, doing it for God and love.
We must think about how they feel, and how much we are needed.
Your daughter will hate some days, just as you do. However, if you teach her to look for the good, to put others first and to have the heart of a servant, she will take care of you with love.
Seek help when you need it, ask friends and agencies to give you breaks. Set aside monies for Assisted Living to take you in when you age. But most of all, love others, do what you do for God, He changes our hearts.

Get long term health care insurance now before is to late. Also great answers above.

I hear you and believe we are all going through the same thoughts, doubts, hurt, frustration you are.

It is the cycle of life. My parents did with my grandma, I am going through with my dad. I do not have any children so the cycle stops here.

To be quite frank with you my husband and I are hoping we go quickly into to that gentle midnight.

Best wishes to you and all of us.