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I'm very happy you found someone else! Go date him now. You don't owe anything to anyone. God doesn't want you to suffer.
Please listen to the sage wisdom of others who say this is no time to jump into another relationship.
You need distance, time, and healing with serious good counseling before you'll be ready to go out and have fun. Divorcing an abuser is the first step to doing what is best for yourself. You are not required nor responsible to care for him as he tumbles down that dementia slope. Please fix your own hurts and issues before thinking you can jump in the saddle to ride off into paradise. It never happens that way. Most relationships after an abusive one also fail unless alot of emotional work is done. The neuropathways have been disrupted and healthy relationships take alot of work you won't be expecting and may wind up repeating the same behaviors...
God bless you as you get yourself taken care of first. And then you'll know how to recognize a truly nice man and be the right woman for him.
get a divorce and help your husband get into a nursing home
or
reconcile yourself to staying in this marriage and don't look for male companionship elsewhere.
Please YouTube Anita Moorjani. She can really help put things into perspective.
Live your life. Be happy while you have your health.
some are genuinely nice.
:)
Who was the boss in the family? Can the boss change?What if you don't want to be bossed?
Be your OWN boss I say!
Promote yourself today.
Now as boss of your own destiny - does caregiving for your Ex with Alz still fit?
"not be too hard on me".
Pamela8 (answers to MicheleDL):
18 hours ago
thank You so much. You gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate it. You’re a nice person. ❤️
BTW,
MicheleDL would be the friend to "kick butt!" and not mince words. Lol, Lol.
Being protective and good to oneself should be a part of our automatic self-preservation. Sometimes we can't and sacrifices must be made, but I can't wrap my head around helping evil even when it's knocked down. Think of the tyrants and monsters in history. If you saw one of those monsters limping down the street could you say, oh but this is different. I should help.
I can't talk about this anymore.
My prescription - Leave him for sure. Get things in order. Go for a mani/pedi, a massage, a shampoo and a cute edgy cut. Buy new undies, fun comfy (not sensible) shoes and one outfit for starters.
But I still think some time to breath and regroup is needed.
Have fun!
You deserve to be happy. I understand it is a marriage. But then again not so much anymore right? Don't do what I did and devote your entire existence to this person. It has taken a severe toll on my health and happiness. Like they used to say "Get a Life".
Whatever date with this man might just be one date if it indeed happens. I'd consider what you'd do if it doesn't. Is hope enough to drive change, or does it depend on a new relationship actually materializing?
Disclaimer: I may be the anomaly as years ago I was thrown to the curb (as well as our then 3 year old daughter) by a very bad and unfaithful less than hu-man.
Your history indicates that your correct-decision-making capabilities may be pretty close to non-existent or at least super unhealthy.
I so agree with Iwithaml. You don't need another man unless he's a therapist.
And leave Gd out of this. He didn't send you the bum you stayed with, nor did He send you this NICE MAN. Gives me the shivers.
Btw, how did you have time to meet this guy? What makes him nice? Is he going to make it all better and make it all go away? Nice man my aunt Tilly.
Did good, healthy, reliable, decent friends, who have your best interest at heart, vett him and make a recommendation. Doubtful. No friend of mine would ever introduce me to a man, nor would I consider it, no matter how unhappy I've been, until I'm not only free, but more importantly after some time has passed to get healthy, and after I stop kicking every dang thing in sight for the s… time I've had (due only to his illness) for less than half the time you were in your nuthouse marriage. AND absolutely not until I say I'm ready.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you let it be known you're ready. Whoa, but okay, sorry, but we have to realize that what you ALLOWED yourself to endure, (as well as what I and others had to endure for too long but as loving, and dang worn out, head to wall banging caregivers) does not make for a good partner right away. To think it's smart to jump at the first lifesaver floating by while you're in the middle of a tempest may seem awefully tempting, is positively, 100%, going to be a big (you're going to pay for it) mistake. I wish on you magic, but honey child, no, uh-uh, nope, no good.
In your situation you're an easy target for a creep. You're beat up, and probably for more than 42 years. To look for a hero (outside of yourself) is another symptom of how badly you need counsel. This guy is not a knight in shining armor. He's not real, but instead a brief mental and heart needy respite for you, a temporary oasis, and a big fat juicey life long STD gift as the cherry on top.
The heck with morals. You'll get attached, and then he'll leave 'cause a needy person is a nuisance and then where are you once again? Not better off, and older.
Get with a support group, get girlfriends to talk to, to bounce things off on, to laugh and commiserate with and who likes you enough to kick you in the butt sometimes.
A therapist is necessary to help you to realize that;
(1) the person that ate large helpings of poop for 42 years will (guaranteed) only look for more of the same until you find out why your were a gourmand of such a meal, and
(2) you are your only lifesaver in the whole world.
Until you are healthy chances are strong that you can only encounter opportunists.
I hope I'm wrong, and wish you well.
One step at a time.
PS. I just re-read your query that included-"I hope you all won't be too hard on me". Forgot it while I wrote. Boy, that said a lot right there. But don't worry, it's never too late to grow some. Yes, lady, we've got 'em too. They just can't be seen. It's the same stuff that makes mama bears tough on their own.
By all means go out with the man you feel is nice. But be upfront with him and let him know that you are on a journey to discover your self. If he is a good man he will agree that is what you should be doing and will support you in your quest. Pay attention to his actions, his words. Is he treating you as an equal. Is he treating you the way you want to be treated.
Seek therapy for you to make sure you are able to take care of yourself, that you have the tools and the mindset. Then do it. Take care of yourself. All other good things will follow.
Just to confirm, I am in the divorce the cowardly abuser group, he doesn't deserve a caring advocate that he has abused for 42 years.
Focusing on this new man begs the question. It is hiding from dealing with the real issues. You can certainly have a platonic friendship at this time, but doing anything else will muddy the waters.
As for the "nice man" who asked you out. I would hold off on that. I agree with others who have asked why would a "nice man" ask a married woman out?
I don't think God wants us to stay in abusive relationships. I do believe in the sacred bond of marriage but your husband has already broken that trust. No, two wrongs don't make a right but if doing the right thing is important to you then file for divorce. I don't know how that works if one party isn't mentally competent as you say your husband has Alzheimer's. But I would look into it.
At the most, your husband will live a few more miserable years with this disease. Can you wait? Will this nice fellow wait until you are free? Could the 3 of you do friendly things together ( dinner, movie, game night, walk, senior center activity, worship at church, etc)?
Frankly, I'm wondering about this new guy who is asking you to cheat on your husband ( who is a low life, no doubt). Does New Guy's morals match your own?
My first husband and I did not divorce until 10 years after we separated. DH1 wanted me to do the legal work for the divorce, I said if he wanted it he could pay for it. Yup, I sank to his level of infidelity, and most of time I enjoyed it.
My parents had a toxic dysfunctional marriage for 64 years. I observed it for my entire life. My father was a raging narcissist with sociopathic tendencies that just got worse the older he got. My mother was an enabling martyr that stuck with him to the end of her life. She died of a massive stroke from a heart condition that was caused by long term stress. Basically, my father's emotional and verbal abuse for 64 years is what killed her. Literally! He was a liar, cheater, control freak, no empathy, and a host of other disordered thinking and behaviors.
In 2018, when he had to be moved up to an ALF from IL, my mom went with him. I set it all up and instead of another 2 bedroom apartment, I got them each their own separate efficiency room. (Luckily they had LTC insurance.) She lasted less then 5 months there but often said to me that it was the best thing I could have done for her. When she got sick of the complaining and shenanigans, she could lock her door and have some peace and quiet. She was more relaxed those last few months then I could ever remember.
I guess what I'm trying to say is get out the F.O.G. (Fear Obligation Guilt) and save yourself. You deserve to take care of you and have a content life free from the hell you've suffered for 42 years. Just do it and don't look back. Good luck.