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What kind of "nice" man asks out a married woman who is caring for her husband, Alzheimer's or not? That seems really weird.
I could see that happening if your husband was in a facility, but if I understand correctly, is he still home?
I see nothing wrong with having lunch with a friend -- even a male one -- but are you thinking there's more to this than that? If so, I'd be a little wary of a "nice man" who's moving in for the kill this way.
You have your priorities entirely backwards. But that's what tends to happen with abusive men; they convince you that you're the bad guy and they're the good guy. That you deserve no happiness. Therein lies the trouble and the bald faced LIES.
Get rid of your husband by getting him placed into managed care, then file for divorce or at least legal separation, then embrace all the happiness life has to offer you, wherever you happen to find it, with whomever you happen to find it with. You deserve to.
Source: https://mendingthesoul.org/resources/general/a-biblical-response-to-the-abused-wife/
Yes, go and date this nice man. It may help you to get some counseling before entering into another relationship. Many abusers start out "nice" and the victims have a high tolerance for bad treatment by others.
If you are attending a church where the pastor or others are admonishing/pressuring/guilting you to stay with your abuser, you should also divorce this church. I wish you peace and joy as you move forward to a better life.
Anyway...a few thoughts for you.
You can divorce him now. Yeah you will get haters for that move but not if they knew the backstory.
You can place him in Memory Care. That way you will not be personally caring for a man that has been abusive to you. Yup, your are going to get haters for this move as well. (see ya just can't win with some people!)
Before you do anything at least consult with an Elder Care Attorney and see what options you have that will be beneficial to you. (sometimes it is financially better to divorce, other cases it is better to remain married, at least on paper)
One other thing...If your husband is a Veteran please check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission they will help determine if he is eligible for any benefits from the VA. They will do this free of charge.
lastly....Life is short and you never know what is going to happen. If you want to see this person go ahead. I doubt seriously that God will mind. It is your husband and his abuse and infidelity that has to "worry". And maybe MJ1929 is right, you have served your penance here on earth.
I wish you the best.
Yes, be gentle on yourself, but make serious inquiries according to your conscience. You always are free to not follow what God wants.
I had spent 10 years alone after a divorce. How I understood the bible was:
1. God allows divorce due to infidelity. (But this is not His perfect plan for marriage). Note: Your husband committed adultery, and is abusive.
2. If an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him leave. You are under no obligation.
Note: Would you believe the bible if you read where it was an error to 'remarry'? (get back with your husband after the infidelity). I don't understand it either.
3. You may be free to remarry under certain circumstances.
Ask yourself:
What kind of a "nice" man asks out a married woman?
So, you might want to learn how to make wise choices so as not to end up with an abuser or adulterer a second time. Statistics show that is a very real possibility, unless you take the time to learn.
You might want to figure out ahead of time what your standards and beliefs are, and go by your conscience. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you are divorced to start another relationship.
My comment may fly in the face of many with different beliefs, but you said that you don't want to go against God. If you read carefully, and understand,
Alva's advice and mine are basically the same.
My advice is: Wait until you are a widow or divorced before starting a new dating relationship.
Once his wife went into a care facility he went and ate lunch with her every single day. And spent his evenings with his friend.
I am not passing judgement on you for finding happiness.
My main reservation is to do with whether the nice man really is a nice man, or whether you might be taking a risk. I'd almost like it if he came onto the forum and let us interrogate him as to his intentions. As to is it okay for you to live a little - sure, long overdue and well-deserved. Take care of yourself, please, and don't rush into anything you're not sure you're happy about.
You need to work out for yourself what your personal God would insist on here. For many people (including me) it would be to put the abuser in care using his own money, start divorce proceedings, and move on to make the best you can out of the rest of your life. Don't make a martyr of yourself.
You don't want to go against God. I don't believe God expects women to suffer through your type of marriage. How do you know that God didn't send this man your way? Maybe God is giving you happiness after so many years.
Just sayin' not sayin'.
Sing to her as ye may,
Maud says she begs your pardon
But she wasn't born yesterday."
[Joyce Grenfell's wonderful response to Tennyson's poem "Come into the garden, Maud"]
It is not your fault he has Alzheimer's. Don't let guilt make you stay.=
Let his family take care of him, you have been through enough mental abuse and possibly physical abuse and I am sure they know that and they should have been there supporting you, sounds like they were not there for you... they can't expect you to stay after everything you have been through and then to shoulder his Alzheimer's on top of it.
See your gentleman friend to start with just as a friend until you can get your own life back in prospective.
If he is a true gentleman and great guy he will support you through the time you need to figure everything out. In turn that gives you time to see who he is and what he is about as well.
You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves bringing guilt and shame into situations.
Validate yourself that you are worthy to be happy.
Then take the steps you need to take to get to the place that you want to be, in a healthy self-love care for yourself.
Just take your time and don't rush a new relationship, develop deep friendships that will last.
Think about seeing a therapist for the sole reason of learning what is healthy in a relationship and steering away from patterns and narcissist type of men and abusive behaviors, it is a healing journey for you.
After going through some relationship therapy and grounding yourself in a healthier mind and spirit you will begin to see things fall into place and God is always there to guide you every step of the way, he is only one prayer away.
My saying is, "Don't let anyone steal your joy".
Be Happy and and start your healing journey......
As for whether or not dating after this marriage is morally correct, seek counselling from your local faith leader or elder. make sure that their guidance it grounded in your holy writings.
I really think you should see a good therapist that is well experienced in the area of abusive relationships.
You need help to:
--sort out why you went back to this A-hole of a husband, and
--how to get away from him, and
--not repeat the pattern
--recognize nice men from controlling men
--how to value yourself so that you can find, date and establish relationship with nice men.
In short, you are not ready for a nice man. You can go on a date with this guy if you want, but it's too early to say he's a nice man.
This woman is no way ready to be dating or seeing other men for a potential relationship. It will be the same old same old until this woman feels self-worth and self-respect. She needs to surround herself with people that will unconditionally support her - and this may mean, at this time, only a professional therapist. "Many" men will see an easy target and take advantage. She shouldn't go near a dating situation and if in mixed-sex company, only be a group setting (during Covid, not recommended).
In sickness and in health, forsaking all others.
If you didn't vow that, you are free to do as you please.
It doesn't matter why you took him back but, you did and now you should severe the ties that make you question your activities. Because only you know your heart and what you believe about God. Don't listen to strangers on an anonymous forum to gain justification to go against your personal convictions.
Infidelity and abuse are valid reasons to divorce. Even if he now has Alzheimer's.
If you start today, you will be a free woman in about 90 days.
I appreciate your response here.