Sister refuses to put Dad in a very nice assisted living although his doctors and neighbors all feel he should not live alone. Any advice?

Sounds like you need to tell her you are unable healthwise to care for Dad and either she does it herself or you both can visit care facilities for him.
Going to be a tough moment but worth it when she has to see how much effort one person has to do.
Hugs and prayers

I haven't read through all the comments. My suggestion is to find a place or 2 or 3 (with visits) that you think he would like. Get the cost for him to stay there. If you think it is feasible, then talk to the administrators and see what they suggest on how you can sell your Dad on moving there.

I'm assuming that your Dad is still mentally healthy. Let him visit it. Let your sister visit it with or without Dad. Then talk to him about what he likes and doesn't like about what he saw. Tell them that you are doing your research now so that everyone won't have to do as much research later as your health is getting worse. Worse, if an emergency came up, at least you would be further along in finding a suitable place, rather than picking the first and only one available.

The Assisted Living Centers and homes of today are so significantly different than places 30 years ago. What I saw when I first started my research was far beyond my imagination and nowhere near what my Mom saw when she used to inspect them 50 years ago. There are so many options. It took me months to set up appointments and visit the ones that made the possible list. Some even have a choice of 5 entrees that you can get for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, complete with white cloths, china and polished silverware.

We tried one out when I did respite. I learned so much from that experience that another place that had been removed from the candidate list, was reevaluated because we had new criteria.

If your Dad doesn't like any of them, don't be sad, just keep looking for potential places and analyze his comments. As you and he talk about it, he will realize that you are just trying to find alternatives for the future....and then the future will not be as scary.

Don't try and pressure him or anyone in setting a timeframe of when he will be there. Although that is helpful to the administrators, that is NOT what you will be doing. You are only gathering information and doing research.

It is possible that the one that he likes the best will have a waiting list. Its okay because at least you are much more aware of what he is looking for and what is available in your area. And before you make your final decision, whatever the timeframe is, make sure that you visit again. A lot can change with a facility in a few months like new licensing, new price list, new administrator, new nursing and care giving staff, etc.

P.S. Be thankful you are the bad one. That means if you walk away from the situation, there will be no guilt on your part as you are already the one that they couldn't depend on....in their eyes.

It seems as if you yourself need to get a thorough physical from a primary care physician for your own health issues. Ask her to provide you with a medical note stating your health problems, and stating that you can not provide the level of care required for your father. Show this note to your sister, and explain that unless she is willing to take care of your father full-time, he will have to be placed in an assisted living facility for his own well-being and safety. If she still refuses, for some reason, you may wish to have either your father's primary care physician, or your primary care physician, intervene and discuss with your sister the reasons why it may be better to place him in an assisted living facility.

Do you have POA? Let her rant and just do it! If she wants to step in and reverse your decision, particularly if your Dad is happy in a new, nice setting, no one is going to argue with success. I cared for my husband at home, out of love, because we had agreed that we'd go out of our home "feet first". He did, on Thanksgiving Day and, while I am grieving, I feel comfortable that I did, as a wife, what I pledged to do on our wedding day. "Everybody" told me that I should put him in a facility. Lesson one: ignore "everybody". If your Dad can afford it, find a good home for him and let your sister either step up and care for him herself, or visit him in the nice, good care facility you have chosen for him. If your Dad is mentally competent, he can be your ally in any disagreement with your sister.

You don't mention if your Dad is currently living alone in his own home, or is he with you? Is your Dad of sound mind? Have you spoken to him about the pros and cons of in-home caregiving versus living in a senior facility? Have you and he considered getting help for you by having caregivers take care of his routine needs (he may prefer a male caregiver to bathe and dress him). Caregivers can bathe him, dress him, prepare his meals and feed him, make sure he's taking his medications, take him out on walks or excursions, do his laundry, etc. If he can afford it, also hire a housekeeper to do the cleaning and other housework. If he is in the hospital, a caregiver can do a shift sitting with him in the hospital. Take care of your own needs, if you need breaks and assistance, by hiring caregivers for your father. If he decides to have caregivers, lock up all the valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers. Try to make your own life worthwhile and do what you feel is the right thing to do. Sadly, sometimes in life we don't get recognition for what we do. You are doing a lot for your father. Kudos for you for being so responsible and caring. All the best to you and your father.

Take your father to a doctor for evaluation of his physical health, his mental capacity, and his abilities. Have his doctor "write a prescription" for the level of care your father needs: assisted living, skilled nursing, or memory care. Make a copy of this "prescription" to keep in your files and present the original to your sister. Insist that she help you with getting your father the correct level of care. I hate to threaten family, but not caring adequately for him can be considered grounds for elder abuse through neglect.

Doctors so NOT feel sister should place mother in assisted living. How do I know this? Because what a doctor says goes. In CA for example, two licensed physicans one who was her regular physician, must sign off thst they feel she can no longer her own decisions. Each State may be different. So if a doctor felt what you say, they need to sign off that your mother can no longer make her own decisions penis too unsafe to reside alone. This is the law. perhaps your sister is intimidating the doctor not to do this saying you care for your mother so a “certification” is unneeded.

What is important in this. Your mother may have POA that becomes effective once she is declared unable to make her own decisions or safe care for herself. Then you start getting paid for taking care of her. Your sister needed to pay or it’s paid from estate if you submit bills with details including your work hours to the Court and ask for payment or get payment approved. This is the law.

And just because sister wants something doesn’t mean it goes if it is physically and mentally harming you. Your sister has lesser rights per Courts if she is not doing 1/2 and hence cannot know first hand anything about your mother’s needs.

If sister not around nor helping, nor paying you so do her 1/2, stop telling her about your mother. Those not around do not have much first hand knowledge to make their decisions upon. There is NO law requiring you tell her about your mother’s condition or situation unless mother wrote that in her living will. sister is in a peanut gallery not in real life.

And sister doesn’t make the rules. And the rules change. Your sister is being greedy and abusive of you also. She is wanting you to provide hundreds of thousands of dollars in home health care and support to your mutual mother yet she does not so the same. She wants you to do this ao you save her hundreds of thousands of dollars in future assisted living facility costs.

You sister is trying to save her own money at expense of you physically and psychologically.

Sounds like if you place her on assisted living on your own, your sister will make you pay 1/2. Is that okay with you? And some States require the children’s inheritance who failed to help, be taken by the govt for the same amount the govt had to pay to house and care for their mother.

At this point, you can also file for temporary conservatorship, since you are primary contact for your mother. This will give you right to place her in assisted living wo sister’s consent needed.

Then a Court Investigator will contact family members and decide who best can care for parent and make this decision. You can ask in those proceedings that your sister be required to pay in full or part for your mother’s upset in assisted living if she makes more.

Conservatorships can be expense to get final one, because of interviewing then family and doing medical tests. Do NOT weaponaize conservatorship by threatening your sister with one. She will eventually find out as you must be contacted and interviewed by Court Investigator. Just do it if that’s avenues you want. Legally, you have no right to tell her anything unless she asks or it’s in living will to give her updates.

Also. local county can give you a break. Call local Aging or Elder assistance agency. In San Diego for example it is called Aging and Independent Services. In another place, it may be called Senior help. These are 100% FREE.

Your sister is selfish and arrogant and not thinking what is best for your mother for not being involved enough and for wanting you to save her money by denying you right to place mother in a safe, social assisted living that Medicare might pay assistance portion if mother has a disability.

You can report sister to county Adult Protective Services for her NEGLECT of mother and enslaving you.

hire an estate elder abuse attorney for an hour to guide you. Some states have a free attorney at Senior Centers for these matters.

In order for things to change, you need to change.
S T O P doing all you are doing.
If it is his money, who manages it? Who is the POA?

Perhaps get marketing materials from the 'very nice' assisted living facilities and show him the photos. Take him to visit several or at least 1-2 so he can see for himself. Get a list of the services offered in Assisted Living and present to your dad and your sister. Sometimes seeing things in 'black and white' (or on paper, including photos) makes an impact that nothing else can.

If your sister is the POA, the only changes (it appears) that you can make is to change your own behavior.

Loving a parent is providing the best care possible. And, that includes loving our self and our siblings. It sounds like your sister doesn't apply this 'out of love,' to you, her sister.

Stand up for yourself. You need to - for you and your dad.

Gena / Touch Matters

I see nothing in the post or the answers or the OP's profile to suggest that either of them has the authority to "put" Dad anywhere - or, for that matter, to refuse to place him. The OP should stop blaming her sister for her father's decision and place responsibility where it lies: with him.

As I read it, the OP has found a very nice assisted living facility which he refuses to consider because (he says, she says) sister has told him it's a hole where the nurses will give him cold sponge baths and force him to wear diapers. Mm. I should think liking his house and his privacy, liking his daughter's help, and liking his money all carry a lot more weight with him.

If the OP isn't happy with the role she's been handed it's time to stop volunteering. There are more than two options here, and it's Dad who needs to figure out what he wants from the choices that are made available to him.

The OP posted once a week ago. I wonder if she will be back?

Ignore sister - she ignores you. Tell Dad, "Please spend our inheritance getting the care you need. I am getting older and have health issues. I want to be able to love you, enjoy our time together, and I need to be able to take care of myself."

Next help Dad make a list of the things he needs help with. Figure out how many hours/week (or day) this is. Help him interview and hire home health aides. If Sister doesn't like him spending his money on his own care, she can step in and take up the slack, but don't involve her in the planning.

If you get more pushback than you can handle, try plan B: Dad, why don't you move in with my adorable sister? That will save you money AND make it easier for her to take care of you!

CinderellaK709: Perhaps your sister's thought process is skewed due to her possibly seeing dollar signs. The assisted living facility IS the valid option.

Get in home care.

Stop helping dad and tell Sis it’s her turn. I’m so over the relatives are “too busy” excuse like they’re entitled to ignore dad but you’re supposed to sacrifice your life 24/7.

Imagine if you won a once in a lifetime trip to Europe for one month..make a list of everything you do for your dad, the times you do it and everything he needs when you will be gone. Then in an email, in writing explain to your sister you can no longer take care of your father because of your own health and that it is her turn and include that list of directions for her. Don't give her two weeks notice, don't even give her a day. You tell her it starts now. Turn your phone off and disappear. At least for a week. Siblings like this would rather grind you then get off their ass and take action then when they finally do take action they will do it for a few weeks maybe even a month before it becomes where a home for the ailing parent isn't such a bad idea. When they start to suggest this or come around make sure you tell your father what your sister is trying to do to him and make sure your sister knows this. And ask her, why she thought making your life a mess was okay? You will never get out of this unless you step up. If inheritance is involved make sure you get your name put on something anything because the last person to deal with dieing parents is the winner in the inheritance game. They will convince the ailing parent that you were the devil if it means their vengenance is satiated and they feel like they have got their time out of you for free care. Most likely that is the issue here. She sees you as free care and more money when pop goes. Why would she put him in a home that will take her future lotto earnings when pop goes? You have to stand up for yourself or you will lose yourself and end up mentally hating everyone of them. It seems as though mind games are a speciality of your sibling--like it is a game she knows how to play well and is good at it or has experience. I'm not like that. I don't like dealing with people like this, that manipulate and i thought my family was different but they aren't. I didn't realize how lazy, manipulative and greedy family can be. No worse than dealing with an outsider or going to a car dealership...in a time when everyone needs to step up so many fall short and step down and then just lay down. You have to force them to step up by laying down next to them but make sure to give them directions so they can't say you abandoned or neglected your father. Just my experience. I don't want anyone to go through the bullshit i'm going through right now.

Your sister is correct to NOT want to put him into a nursing home! The neglect and abuse is horrible there.

At home care is the best.

Since your father has plenty of money and you no longer feel you can provide much care. Please look into home care in your area. If he just needs help with home chores, he could have a cleaning lady come in once a week. If he needs help with picking up groceries or cooking, he could also hire someone for those things. I do not know the level of personal care he needs, but he can also hire someone for those things. It doesn't need to be one person for all things.

I do recommend that even if you don't want to provide care anymore, that you do still visit him often. He NEEDS his family there with him too.!

Hand sis a calendar and tell her to fill in the 50% of days in the month she will be available to stay with dad. Tell her you're giving her the first option to grab days she wants (however, note on the calendar any days you have dr appts or other obligations you cannot change). Include dr appts or other transports your dad needs and be very clear you cannot handle all of them (so she doesn't just skip those days). If she hesitates or says she can't do 50%, let her know it's too much for you, too.

It is time to use dad's money for HIS medical care. Hire some folks to handle his needs with you and sis using a calendar method to be there as well.

It's important for her to know that 'out of love' she has to consider more help for your dad than you can do on your own. And 'out of love' she will have to consider the options: moving forward with hiring people to keep him at home or placement at a facility where he can get 24 hour care AND both of you can visit without having to manage the heavy work of caring for him.

Give her a deadline and then make a decision (assuming dad can still make his own financial decisions). Get dad involved - tell him YOU need help to help him. Ask if he'd rather have care at home or go visit the AL places in your area. If he chooses in home help, start the hiring process. Leave sis out of the conversation.

Please put your sister on MUTE; block her or just don't respond.

Time to plan your release from servitude and find the best place for your Dad.

While you're scheduling a full exam, please plan a luxury vacation at a spa resort and let Dad treat you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to strategize the best way to place Dad. Make sure the best choice includes his proximity to where you live so that you can eye watch over him. Be sure you get all the legal issues set up like Power of Attorney, etc.

Take a look at this wellness spa: https://www.miravalresorts.com/

There are no perfect answers, but there is another option I don't see mentioned yet. "Home care" can be more expensive than a facility, it can provide better care, but also more risk - "stranger" doing care. Your job is to "supervision" and "respite" for paid help. Can your dad be overnight OK? Makes a big difference in cost for home care. (I can already hear people say - "why does daughter have to do respite for hired help?" I have two caregivers from a care group to cover 14 hours per day. We went through 10 caregivers and settled on the two that started. Trying to find a third one that would work with the household just didn't work. So...when I visit, I let the main caregiver take a second day off that week to keep her sane.)
I live in Oregon, my parents in Arizona. Their choice is to stay at home for their duration. I have a sister in CA that thinks we could do things more cheaply, but we all agreed a nursing facility was not the option when my parents want to be together. My parents together get 14 hours of home care a day. My mom's memory is going, though she still drives and it is limited. Caregivers focus on my dad (stroke - has PT 5 days per week and has gained back some control of left side, but cannot reliably do transfers safely), do most shopping, meals and cleaning. I visit for 1-2 weeks a month to take care of financials, check the care, restock cleaning and non-perishable food supplies, handle the details that are bothering the care givers, repair stuff, and... (my parents pay for the airfare and all items while I am there.)
I have been slowly building a case for the "remaining" parent to move to Oregon and go into one of five facilities that are within 10 minutes of my house rather than me live in AZ away from my family. Neither can live alone today and I have a two story house, so I'm being realistic for the future.
There are no perfect solutions. Home care with me visiting 1-2 weeks a month works for my family and is still work on my part.

can you hire a caregiver to come to the house? you should have a professional for as many hours a day as you can afford.
even if he goes to a facility, you will still have to take him to appointments. and they NEVER care for their residents they way they say they will.
I suggest making a list of all the things you do for him, and how much time each takes, present it to your sister and ask her what she is willing to sign up for.

With the holidays upon us, arrange for your Dad to stay with sister for an extended visit (a week, a few days) - she may need a reality check. See if her perception of his needs changes after having full responsibility for even a short amount of time. Good Luck

Are either of you his guardian or have power of attorney?

Sounds like you’ve done your part, you cared for mom! Sometimes you have to stand back and allow the load to fall on her( with just minimal assistance). I can see that you care because you’re asking for advice and ideas.
Stand your ground tell her what you’re willing to do and what you’re not and mean it! And of course any boundary is subject to change( but when you choose) because life is always changing. Try to find a support team to help her see it’s better for him to be in a facility.
Be firm, be strong and stay grounded!
Wishing you the best outcome 💕

Bring Dad to some Care Facilities and Have Lunch - Go On a Tour . Tell Him Gently " That I really need to get on with My Life and will Visit you . " Tell the sister " You Found a Nice Place for him to Live with Great Care But Under No Circumstances can you split the care as you cared for your Mom for 17 years and its Now time for you to Live your Life . " And then walk away if there is No solution to the problem because your sister is making a Big problem for you - Take Back your Life . Find a social worker or therapist that can Help you establish Boundaries and get Toxic people Out of your life permanently .

Tell her you already did split the caregiving. You cared for Mom.

Nope. Nope. And nope. Your sister sounds like she will stick you with all the care. I know it’s not easy, but tell her nope, you will not “split” the caregiving…you will not do any.

Explain that the level of care needed is more than two untrained people can handle. Explain to her placement in a facility has nothing to do with not loving someone. Have your fathers Dr explain to her what’s best for your Dad. If she insists, then tell her to hire someone to help her, because you are unable. End of story. Don’t cave. It won’t be easy, but stick to what you KNOW is right.

Obviously the answer is he needs to go to the very nice Assisted Living. The answer to your sister is an absolute NO.
If you need to convene his doctor, a mediator, a social worker, and whoever else can come (neighbor?), then do it. The time has arrived for your father to have the help he needs in a professional setting.
This is about all of you being able to live the rest of your lives to the best. You have already determined, correctly, that you are unable to provide the daily help he needs.
It's not 'out of love'. That's just ridiculous. Love means everyone being as safe and as healthy as possible.
Once your father has moved, you can both visit your father on a regular basis, and come up with a plan.
Find out what programs the AL offers to families. Can you join him for meals? Can you take him out for the day? Do they take the residents on field trips? Many of the ALs have music and art programs which you can take advantage of.
Life is about to change for all of you and you need to take charge of the situation so that your father lives his best life in this last stage of his life.
There is nothing wrong with Assisted LIving. It is necessary and helpful. I believe that once you get him settled in you will all feel a huge sense of relief.

Just simply state "I am not doing it...I love dad and I will visit dad and will remain his daughter, but he will need to pay for caregivers. Running myself into the ground does not make me a better daughter".

The thing I have noticed from my own situation is that the one not doing the work is the one that downplays what is needed and downplays how hard it is.....

Find a nice AL home where there is availability and make an appointment with Dad and your sister to visit. Afterward, go out to lunch and have an open and honest conversation about it. Find out what level of hands on care your sister intends to provide, and how often. Explain all the things you have been doing that she may not realize. Try not to get emotional and/or defensive and state your case. You cannot force this issue, but you can present it in a calm and convincing manner. Try! Plan B is to divide all the responsibilities, between you and do not under any circumstance start doing her tasks. Plan C is to hire some in-home care. Stand your ground!

I have a sister who also refused to move dad into an ALF. There are even 6 kids but most still work, so responsibility’s fell mostly on three of us. He could not be alone with his Alzheimer’s. We did that ourselves for two months and I was exhausted. Then We did hire two private people to stay with him 24/7, and we just did Dr appts, grocery runs and nice visits. It was perfect until the nighttime person had to quit and dad was falling at home. His house had narrower halls, and other hazards it was not suitable for a walker. They were more of us so we were able to convince that sister that it was time, (she did resist a lot and it got a little ugly). and without her permission I started visiting various assisted living facilities with my son. We went to the smaller home environments, medium sized facilities, and brand new big facilities. We finally settled on the medium 48 resident facility with a nice staff. I had narrowed it down to two facilities. I convince my sister to come tour them and meet the staff and she finally agreed They had wonderful activities during the day, singing events, a beautiful dining area, and very nice little two room apartments. We did install cameras in the room facing his favorite chair and in his bedroom, facing his bed in the entry to the bathroom. We noticed they weren’t checking on him very much at night so we did hire a private person to sit in the room with him at night while he slept so she could help him if he got up to use the bathroom or decided to walk around. We found this to be a wonderful solution. it wasn’t easy to convince my sister, but then she discovered it really was a better environment for him because he loves all the activities and at home. All he did was watch TV and stare at a wall most of the day now. Now he goes to chair exercises, balloon, tennis, musical events, and has his favorite person to eat meals with in the dining room. We were able to buy a very nice walker for him to go down the hall to dinner, and they do help him get to and from dinner. During the day he doesn’t stay in his room much because he likes to sit out in the living room where the fireplaces and they’re usually playing music and there are other residents sitting around in There. It seems to be the ideal environment and I personally say I wish we had done it sooner so he could’ve enjoyed the activities even more. Definitely do your homework before you make a decision on our residence. Read lots of reviews, look up state, citation reports, see if your Facebook as a local neighborhood page and see if anyone has discussed assisted living facilities. I did a lot of research before I selected the ones we wanted to tour and then we found the one we like the best. do either of you have power of attorney? Did your dad designate either one of you as a health advocate? Sometimes that makes a bit of a difference in a family dynamic, but not always. Write your sister a letter and explain everything you did to us and then give her the solutions with where you visited what you saw and that you wanted to tour with her and your dad at least two of your favorite places so they are involved in the decision. And basically give her notice that you will not be able to continue in the position, she has put you in for her own health reasons and quality of life. I watched my mother take care of my elderly grandmother when she needed help, and watched by mothers health deteriorate during that time. I know you love your father, and want to do what’s best for him, but you also have to look out for yourself.