Sister refuses to put Dad in a very nice assisted living although his doctors and neighbors all feel he should not live alone. Any advice?

Suggestions:

First go back to the legal basics about who can ‘put’ Dad anywhere. Is he legally competent? Does he have a diagnosis of dementia, indicating that he is unlikely to be legally competent? Do you or your sister (or jointly) have a POA, so that you can force it? Is he refusing to move? Is it because of sister’s comments? Does he actually know much about the care options?

Strategies to deal with a situation where Dad just doesn’t want to move (and almost no-one does):

1) Keep a record for a week or a month, day by day, of what you do for Dad and what your sister does for Dad.
2) Do an estimate of the cost of care that each of you provides, at commercial rates.
3) Show it to sister and suggest that she subsidises you for the extra time and value that you put in.
4) Make it clear to sister that all this information will go to Dad.
5) Take Dad for lunch to a couple of suitable (good plus local) facilities at the level of care he needs. Try and pick a day when other residents are likely to have family visiting as well, so he sees that people aren’t ‘abandoned’.
6) Get sister to come with you both for one of the lunch visits, to the place that seemed to be best.
7) Show your own doctor the level of care you are providing, and get an estimate from the doctor about the impact on you and the length of time that you will be able to keep up that level.
8) Tell sister when you will need to stop or phase down, and ask for her plans to deal with the situation when it happens.
9) Do a rough costing on the value of care that you provided to your mother, because of the choices you made.
10) Tell Dad all the things you have worked out – the level of care you each provide, the $ value of it, when you will need to phase down and/ or stop, the huge value to the family of the choices that you made. Also what his options will be if he makes no plans, then has to find care in a hurry (eg if he has a fall and breaks a bone, or if the same thing happens to you).
11) Tell him that being on a waiting list protects his priority for the ‘best’ place, and does commit him to moving in to the first available vacancy.

It sounds to me that your sister is probably seen as being successful and important, and the choices that you have made are undervalued. Dad may feel quite ‘shy’ about asking more from such an important person. He needs a reality check about a lot of it. Figures will often make a lot more impact than just conversation.

Your sister most likely wants dad to save his $$ for HER inheritance and not 'waste' it on a lovely Assisted Living lifestyle where he can get help with all of his needs on a daily basis. To claim she's forcing this issue out of love is ludicrous. And then to scare him by saying YOU want to 'put him in a terrible nursing home' is unforgiveable.

Tell her you WILL NOT help her in any way, shape or form with dad's care, period. That you have health issues yourself and are in no shape to cut your life short by doing any more hands on caregiving. Sorry/not sorry sister dear, but YOU will have to do it all alone! That should open her eyes up very quickly to the fact that she's ignorant when it comes to HOW to do hands on caregiving, and, that it's impossible for her to do it alone.

Assisted Living is a much better answer, and if this cuts into your sister's inheritance, too bad about it. That's my advice to you; stick to your guns on offering NO help with dad, except to help her move him into AL, and see how it goes. If dad refuses to move into AL, then he'll have to agree to bringing paid caregivers into his home b/c your sister won't be able to handle it all by herself.

Best of luck!

Does your sister have the final say about what happens with dad? Is he incompetent? Does she have POA? If she doesn't have POA then she can insist all she wants but too bad! You are providing the care and can't do it so something has to change ASAP. Tell her to take a few days off from her life and come provide the level of care you provide with you getting a much needed break. Do nothing to support her (like she does for you!). Of course, she will not want to do this, but I'd push her on it to help her realize that you know she is lying about splitting the job and doing it out of love. Seriously??

Good luck!

Quit. Give 2 weeks notice.

Ether Dad is independent, hires his own help or moves.

Which will it be?

The possible ending of this story might be that after Dad dies, that the will was rewritten to cut you out, and Favorite Child Sister gets it all. Since you alone cared for your mother, everyone probably expects you to do the same for your father.

You make no mention of dementia in your father in your profile. How old is he? How old are you? Your sister? What does your sister do for your father, since she "isn't around much"?

You can't make your sister agree to do more. You can't make your father (assuming he is legally competent) agree to hire outside help or to agree to Assisted Living.

You can't change others.

BUT you can take ownership of your own actions. You can stop the caregiving, and let the chips fall where they may. If your father doesn't realize the toll on your health that caregiving is taking, then he doesn't care very much about you.

Save yourself. YOUR health is your priority.

I would bet dear sister has used this tactic with dad her entire life. Shame on sis to manipulate dad with fear during the most vulnerable chapter of his life. That’s a rotten thing to do. I assume she has a guest room. After basking in lifelong favorite child status he could move in with her, out of love, of course. My heart goes out to you. Divisive meddling is very frustrating to deal with and is not helping dad. Hoping for this will work out for you and your dad.

If dad is mobile and sentient, take him to visit some of the very nice places where he could go live. If you get him on your side, and if he cares about you at all, you can then act as a team to inform sister that YOU two have decided on a wonderful care facility and that YOU will no longer be handling his care. You don't have to do what sister says, you never did. If he is not mobile and sentient, and if she has all the power over him and his finances, then you just quit. You're done. Dad will be fine. As for promoting her book, sister will be so busy taking care of dad that it would be a good idea to turn that chore over to someone else.

I'm always amazed at the people who say "well my sibling told me I have to do this and so I do".

Is your sister the boss of you? Are you afraid of her? Does she have POA and you think that means she calls the shots?

My YB took over mother's care and didn't HAVE to--he chose it, month after month. His health suffered tremendously as he was working, trying to raise a family and has been morbidly obese for the last 25 years. His health is awful and we all truly worried he would die before mom did.

We had many meeting about spreading her care out a little better, but he fought us tooth and nail to be the primary CG, I'll never know why.

He was he MPOA, and he took that to mean he was in charge of her. Like, literally. It DOESN'T mean that! We sure didn't push him into doing ANYTHING for her, yet he took it on. If he got angry b/c one of us didn't 'step up', well, sometimes we had to remind him that he booted us all out of the loop many times.

You sister has a real attitude--making you feel guilty for not doing it all.

If mom can afford FT care, then by all means, get that for her! Yes, it will decrease your 'inheritance' but I know a lot of people who refuse to get FT care for their folks so 'they' can inherit more and by the time the parent dies...there really ISN'T any money to speak of.

Now is the time to be taking dad to look at places. I bet he's used to your bossy sister and might look forward to living in a place that has elderly gents like himself who'd LOVE to play checkers, go on outings, check out the chicks in the facility. A single man of any age in a NH can write his own ticket. He'll NEVER sit alone at a meal again.

Good Luck with this. Families are great until they're not. Don't kowtow to sis--be dad's voice and advocate!!

Cinderella, can you see any way to make changes yet?

Any conversations with either Dad or Sister to notify them you will be winding back some of your allotted tasks?

Money complicates so many lives, especially when children and elder parents are involved. If your dad has the money, to go into “a nice home”, and you are no longer able, and/or willing, to be the family “everything”, then turn in your notice to resign. Let your sister figure it out. You did plenty, seems obvious.

Our kids have been promised nothing. They are grown adults, and take care of their own expenses, and so do we. As much as we hope to leave them “their legacy”, haha, they know the help we will appreciate, is them selling everything we have, and helping us find a care home, that our meager savings, and profit from our humble house, will provide, then we belong to the government, once our funds are gone.

There will be no hiding of assets, so we can set the kids up in style, cause they have plenty, and more would be excess to them….OR to sustain them, cause they did not bother to do that themselves. They know they are not to save their mom and dad, should all our efforts to stay in control of lives not work out. I have never received an inheritance beyond a few thousand from a grandparent. But I know folks waiting on their pot of gold, soon as their parents/s are gone. How sad. We owe no one. Feels better.

Good luck to you. You can take back your life, but it is up to you.

I rarely say use tough love and boundaries where it comes to a loved one. However the need is very clear here. You took care of your Mom and if your sister thinks your Dad can stay home, she can take care of your Dad. For the most part. You cannot, at this point in your life. If she cannot either, she needs to coordinate his hired care in his home. If that is difficult for you to say, you might tell her that you are not physically able to give him the care he needs. Get a doctor's note? My aunt said her doctor wouldn't allow her the stress of caregiving, nor long visits nor too many visits.

I agree that he should go to assisted living. And if that is not possible, then hire a caregiver. Both options cost money. But you can't do it alone. Let sister know that. Whatever help she is offering isn't enough. He needs more care.

Who cares what your sister says or wants? You know the truth. Some people lie like a rug!

Lady, you have paid your dues in spades. You took care of your mom for 17 years!

Do as you damn well please at this point in your life.

Just because your sister has asked you to ‘split’ the caregiving doesn’t mean that you have to agree.

Where was she when you needed her to help with your mom? Huh? She was nowhere to be found, so pull the same disappearing act on her now.

Your sister has a lot of gall to ask you for anything!

I would say, “Are you serious? Not happening, Sissy! Find someone else or place dad in a facility where you won’t have to lift a finger, just like you did with mom.”

If she has to care for your dad like you did for mom, she most likely will be researching facilities in your area within a week.

Please ignore what your sister says, because your caregiving duties are finished so you can move on with your own life. You may require your own caregiving assistance.

Have you heard about what you should do during an emergency on an airplane trip? "Place the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting anyone else." This idea is an anology to what you are facing, what, saving up for family inheritance for both of you or only your sister?? No inheritance happens until after someone passes away. Yes, if there is any assts left after the deceased is gone.

I have heard so much about respectively forced obligations regarding caregiving levels going beyond their loved ones capacity for caregiving. It is truly thankless work and often killing caregivers before their recipients.

I look out for many readers and happy you reached out to us for support.

Again, please tell your sister to leave you alone and move on in your life. Save Yourself!

That's what facilities are there for, to assist people who can no longer care for themselves. They have lived their productive lives and earned the respect to go into professional care when family options have run out.

Place your father in a facility before your forced responsibilities kill you.

I’m sorry your going through this , it’s hard to have this strain between siblings . We have had to put my dad into LTC in Canada . My suggestion would be if money isn’t an issue to hire out services to come to his home and help him there . Here in Canada assisted living and LTC are often attached and there is a constant influx of COVID infections every 3 months that has everyone , even in assisted confined to their rooms . It’s not great even if it looks pretty .
Perhaps you can help with things that can be done from your home like online bill paying, online grocery orders and get a virtual capabilities to have online visits with your dad so your not physically having to be there so much . This will decrease your running around for yourself and save your energy a bit . Either hire a full time live in aid for your dad or hire services to come in and care for him . Personally I would try this before heading of to an institution . Either way your dad has a need to be met and it isn’t and your sister needs to recognize that.
best of luck, keep your boundaries!

If she says not to put him in then she should be the one caring for him 24 7 if he can't be alone otherwise put him in a nice one

I am not a expert ....but maybe show him a facility so he sees its good....ease him into day program first... if that falls.....go on a 2 week trip have your sister do all....then she may change her mind ....sure she is not looking at how much it will be....and using the love at home bit to pull at your heart ...dont let her put all on u

I wanto add that it is rather ridiculous, if not abusive, to force or dump responsibilities onto someone else, either by family or by someone else. I think it is all about the money.

As some of our readers have posted, give notice to resign from your caregiving position, and have your sister take on those required responsibilites until She finds other help for your father. Like any non-contact job, it is an At-Will situation.

If you are not capable physically, financially or emotionally (or even if you simply don’t want) to do what your family is currently expecting of you, you need to communicate this to them directly, not to anonymous strangers on the internet.

Have a meeting with your sister and your father to discuss your future level of commitment and participation to correct their expectations.

Even though you think your sister can’t handle whatever is remaining, let her make that decision for herself.

Hiring help is always an option that they might choose if your father wants to stay in his home and he may have enough resources to cover this without any contribution from you.

The neighbors are neither family nor healthcare professionals, seeking their consultation or advice could be humiliating to your father or even compromise his situation.

Realign your hopes of long-term relationships and communication with your family in accordance with your level of commitment to them.

Maybe you’ll show up as a character in your sister’s next book!

If everyone has money then hire an additional caregiver to come in and assist. U wouldn’t have to do anything but give direction. That money should come from ur sister and ur father. I agree with ur sister not to put them in those places that’s just me. I commend u for helping and helped with ur mother. U did snd is doing a great job despite ur personal issues. Ur sister should have some sympathy for u as well. She should offer paying and sending someone to help u. I pray everything will turn out fine. I’m praying for u and ur family. I do believe everything will turn out fine. U take one day off to urself go to spa/ dinner with a friend and stay in a hotel while the caregiver is helping. The caregiver doesn’t need to know ur every step make sure she has ur number. Make sure u have cameras and qualified caregivers from a company whereas they would bd liable if something goes wrong which I doubt. God Bless. Keep ur head high to the sky.

P.S. ur Sister could be a little sympathetic and listen intuitively. Yes, she is doing her thing. That’s her life . Ur more compassionate and sympathetic than her u both have different life styles and it shows she’s not the one to care like u. At least she doesn’t have to play manipulative games. How bout she just had over the funds to make life easier. It’s just ur heart is better and ur dad tell him I love u dad but u ought to be ashamed I’m here with u doing my best please show me respect and. Ur funds would help provide for u and the household. This way u can get ur time and space in and u will bd able to cope. If u feel it’s not working once u really try then u have to do u but give it ur All.

Stop being available. Remember, you are also making it easy for her to NOT do what is necessary. Take care of yourself first.

Residential assisted living facilities are often much smaller settings and less expensive than assisted living communities. It's just a regular house but with caregivers and other seniors. Maybe she just thinks of assisted living like they are the big apartment settings which might be too much for him? Expose her to some different options so she's more aware of what's possible.

Also, many people wait until their parent has broken a hip down a flight of stairs or nearly burned down the house before they realize being in their own home is not safe anymore. Watching a parent 24/7 is impossible unless there's an environment like no stove access, no stairs and someone watching the front door at all times (if dementia is the issue, they often wander at night due to Sundowner's syndrome). I know some people have an emotional stigma around assisted care, but it's not a logical one. Care today is far better and more highly regulated than it's ever been before and it's actually less safe for them to stay with family than to have trained professionals handle their care. Every now and again we hear a horror story, but we also hear horror stories about stores getting robbed byt we shouldn't stop shopping....or schools getting shot up but we shouldn't keep all our kids locked up at home....or preachers doing awful things, but we shouldn't stop practicing or faith. These are very few instances and can't do everything based on fear. Try to bring this info to your sister along with some supporting articles you find online and perhaps she will come to see it's the best option.

I have a sister who also refused to move dad into an ALF. There are even 6 kids but most still work, so responsibility’s fell mostly on three of us. He could not be alone with his Alzheimer’s. We did that ourselves for two months and I was exhausted. Then We did hire two private people to stay with him 24/7, and we just did Dr appts, grocery runs and nice visits. It was perfect until the nighttime person had to quit and dad was falling at home. His house had narrower halls, and other hazards it was not suitable for a walker. They were more of us so we were able to convince that sister that it was time, (she did resist a lot and it got a little ugly). and without her permission I started visiting various assisted living facilities with my son. We went to the smaller home environments, medium sized facilities, and brand new big facilities. We finally settled on the medium 48 resident facility with a nice staff. I had narrowed it down to two facilities. I convince my sister to come tour them and meet the staff and she finally agreed They had wonderful activities during the day, singing events, a beautiful dining area, and very nice little two room apartments. We did install cameras in the room facing his favorite chair and in his bedroom, facing his bed in the entry to the bathroom. We noticed they weren’t checking on him very much at night so we did hire a private person to sit in the room with him at night while he slept so she could help him if he got up to use the bathroom or decided to walk around. We found this to be a wonderful solution. it wasn’t easy to convince my sister, but then she discovered it really was a better environment for him because he loves all the activities and at home. All he did was watch TV and stare at a wall most of the day now. Now he goes to chair exercises, balloon, tennis, musical events, and has his favorite person to eat meals with in the dining room. We were able to buy a very nice walker for him to go down the hall to dinner, and they do help him get to and from dinner. During the day he doesn’t stay in his room much because he likes to sit out in the living room where the fireplaces and they’re usually playing music and there are other residents sitting around in There. It seems to be the ideal environment and I personally say I wish we had done it sooner so he could’ve enjoyed the activities even more. Definitely do your homework before you make a decision on our residence. Read lots of reviews, look up state, citation reports, see if your Facebook as a local neighborhood page and see if anyone has discussed assisted living facilities. I did a lot of research before I selected the ones we wanted to tour and then we found the one we like the best. do either of you have power of attorney? Did your dad designate either one of you as a health advocate? Sometimes that makes a bit of a difference in a family dynamic, but not always. Write your sister a letter and explain everything you did to us and then give her the solutions with where you visited what you saw and that you wanted to tour with her and your dad at least two of your favorite places so they are involved in the decision. And basically give her notice that you will not be able to continue in the position, she has put you in for her own health reasons and quality of life. I watched my mother take care of my elderly grandmother when she needed help, and watched by mothers health deteriorate during that time. I know you love your father, and want to do what’s best for him, but you also have to look out for yourself.

Find a nice AL home where there is availability and make an appointment with Dad and your sister to visit. Afterward, go out to lunch and have an open and honest conversation about it. Find out what level of hands on care your sister intends to provide, and how often. Explain all the things you have been doing that she may not realize. Try not to get emotional and/or defensive and state your case. You cannot force this issue, but you can present it in a calm and convincing manner. Try! Plan B is to divide all the responsibilities, between you and do not under any circumstance start doing her tasks. Plan C is to hire some in-home care. Stand your ground!

Just simply state "I am not doing it...I love dad and I will visit dad and will remain his daughter, but he will need to pay for caregivers. Running myself into the ground does not make me a better daughter".

The thing I have noticed from my own situation is that the one not doing the work is the one that downplays what is needed and downplays how hard it is.....

Obviously the answer is he needs to go to the very nice Assisted Living. The answer to your sister is an absolute NO.
If you need to convene his doctor, a mediator, a social worker, and whoever else can come (neighbor?), then do it. The time has arrived for your father to have the help he needs in a professional setting.
This is about all of you being able to live the rest of your lives to the best. You have already determined, correctly, that you are unable to provide the daily help he needs.
It's not 'out of love'. That's just ridiculous. Love means everyone being as safe and as healthy as possible.
Once your father has moved, you can both visit your father on a regular basis, and come up with a plan.
Find out what programs the AL offers to families. Can you join him for meals? Can you take him out for the day? Do they take the residents on field trips? Many of the ALs have music and art programs which you can take advantage of.
Life is about to change for all of you and you need to take charge of the situation so that your father lives his best life in this last stage of his life.
There is nothing wrong with Assisted LIving. It is necessary and helpful. I believe that once you get him settled in you will all feel a huge sense of relief.

Nope. Nope. And nope. Your sister sounds like she will stick you with all the care. I know it’s not easy, but tell her nope, you will not “split” the caregiving…you will not do any.

Explain that the level of care needed is more than two untrained people can handle. Explain to her placement in a facility has nothing to do with not loving someone. Have your fathers Dr explain to her what’s best for your Dad. If she insists, then tell her to hire someone to help her, because you are unable. End of story. Don’t cave. It won’t be easy, but stick to what you KNOW is right.

Tell her you already did split the caregiving. You cared for Mom.

Bring Dad to some Care Facilities and Have Lunch - Go On a Tour . Tell Him Gently " That I really need to get on with My Life and will Visit you . " Tell the sister " You Found a Nice Place for him to Live with Great Care But Under No Circumstances can you split the care as you cared for your Mom for 17 years and its Now time for you to Live your Life . " And then walk away if there is No solution to the problem because your sister is making a Big problem for you - Take Back your Life . Find a social worker or therapist that can Help you establish Boundaries and get Toxic people Out of your life permanently .