Siblings upset with me after I walked away from my nasty father. Having mixed emotions over this - guilt is one.

I agree with those who said offer to help your sister. You care about her and want to help her, but not the help she seems to be asking for. This can be financially, doing kind things to take some burden off her own duties and chores, gift cards, hiring help so she can get a break, whatever SHE needs to help keep her sanity. Whatever you can do to lighten her load that does not involve being with him.

I'm sure she wants you and the others to "share" in the care, but I am wholeheartedly against that. If nothing else, it just brings those awful memories to the forefront for us, but there is potential to expose yourself to more abuse. NO. As they say, we have to know and remember our history to avoid repeating mistakes! Clearly WE didn't ask for or deserve any of the abuse, but if you don't acknowledge it and protect yourself, you are just putting yourself in harm's way - even if he isn't capable of physically hurting you, verbal/emotional abuse is VERY hard to deal with. Many don't understand how harmful this is, because NO ONE can see the bruises.

Arriving here a little late, and haven't read all the comments, but OP's comment struck a cord for me:

"Oh, she certainly is and she's told me that I need to forgive and forget."

So long as the source of pain is removed, one can likely forgive, if one chooses to. Forgetting is not likely to happen. It is retained in our memories, so how does one forget?

In my case it wasn't my father, but my OB. He was very abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally) when we were growing up. Not sibling rivalry, really nasty (of course when parents weren't around!) As we got older and would hang out with our own friends, there was less and less interaction, so this seemed to go away.

Funny anecdote: I had a small party in my college apartment. I don't recall why he was there, but after everyone else left, he actually said to me that he would like to marry someone like me. I was really taken aback by this, and without even thinking, my reply was "Why, so you can beat the S out of her?"

Fast forward MANY years... We've not been living local to each other. Once in a while he would come to visit for a bit and things were okay (there'd always be others around.) After moving our mother to MC, there was the need to clear out, clean up and repair her condo to sell it. Of course, as others have found, despite there being 3 of us, who gets most of the work? Anyway, he did come up a few times to help. During one trip, I missed subtle signs that this behavior never went away. The last trip, just over 2 years ago, he didn't make it to the first week staying at my place so we could visit mom and do clear/clean. He gets angry when he doesn't understand you. He gets angry when you don't understand him. He's always ragging on others, co-workers, people he has to do business with, etc, so clearly it isn't me - I just happen to be easily pushed. So, he got very angry, crossed the room (at least 10', possibly more) and threw me to the floor, twice! Bruised my lower leg/ankle. I told (yelled at) him to get out. I went to my room, but neglected to lock the door. The whole time he was packing up, he was hurling nasty spiteful hurtful things at me. He even opened the door to yell some more. That did it for me. Once he was out of the house, I was DONE with him.

He stayed at the condo the rest of the time, but by Monday (it happened on Friday night), he was over it* and started coming here to drop crap from mom's off. I refused to open the door or even acknowledge he was here. I am SO done with him, forever. Maybe he can pull this crap and forget about it, but HE wasn't the one who was abused. Forget? Nope. I passed off the early stuff as whatever, but clearly this IS who he is. I don't care what happens in the future, I will have NOTHING to do with him. Period. If he happens to come up for mom's burial, whenever that is (he did NOT come for dad's), I am hoping my daughter will be with me and keep away from him. I don't even want to talk to him, ever again.

People who haven't had this done to them find it easy to say forgive and forget. They aren't the ones who have experienced the abuse. Sure, forgive. Forget, not likely, but to say do this and put yourself back in harm's way??? Nope. Had I any inkling this is who he was, I wouldn't have allowed him to stay here. BTW, had a long discussion with his daughter. I was curious about his split with her mother. Apparently they were subjected to some of this behavior as well. I warned her to beware! The last time he pulled that crap with her, she was already an adult, at least 30 yo!

*NOTE: One time bringing up some bad memories with/about mom, she said she didn't remember that. I replied "No, you don't, because it didn't hurt YOU to do what you did or said." That's part of the problem with abusers. They don't experience the hurtful side, so they "get over it." People want us to forget??? Psssssh... Why pray tell, so they can continue their evil ways? NOPE.

Hi, just checking to see how u are doing. We have a lot in common. Been there done that. I'm 64, oldest of 3, the scapegoat, extreme toxic narcissist father. He died in May. My last visit to him in the ALF was in January. He was an abusive pos. My mother died in 2018 from a stroke, the direct result of the stress of years of narc abuse. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Once she passed, I finally stepped out of the F.O.G. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. You have the right to remove toxic people from your life and do what's best for u. As soon as the estate is settled, I'll be done with the GC brothers as well. They were always his favorites, yet I was the one stuck with all the responsibilities of his care with NO moral or financial support from them. I have zero guilt. The only thing I regret is not cutting all ties years ago. I had been waiting for months to get that call from the ALF. The burden lifted from my shoulders was such a relief that I literally did a happy dance. I am now concentrating on my own health issues. Let go of the toxic sibs and enjoy your freedom. Blood is not thicker than peace of mind! All the best to you. (((HUGS)))

You may not be following now, but your last ‘thank you’ post made me think again about your regrets for the ‘lost relationship’. I had 65 years of knowing what my father was. I did the normal thing and tried again for a relationship in my late teens, and the closer I got, the more I realised his unpleasant issues. The idea of a lost ‘warm and fuzzy’ relationship of mutual respect was never even a possibility. If it’s the same for you, just give up on the regrets. What you are regretting is that he was what he was. He was never going to turn into the father with whom the relationship would have been what you wanted. Don’t get hooked on that twist and turn. Undo your head now.

You have no need to feel GUILTY.
That little period at the end of the sentence above means FINISHED.
No one can make you feel guilty.
You know your sister is projecting her own feelings on you.
REMEMBER TO SMILE!!!

HRlot, I pray that you find peace with this situation.

You did nothing to deserve the abuse and all you can do is let it all go now.

You are strong because of what you went through, embrace what it made you, not what anyone else thinks about it or you. You can proudly say that you are a survivor.

Hugs!

Following your father's death, I send you best wishes for a future life that is more manageable emotionally, and the same for your siblings. You all have my sympathy for the whole episode. Margaret

Siblings in a family never understand that everyone didn't have the same experience growing up together. There's often one sibling who becomes the lightening rod for all the parents anger and abuse. Sounds to me like you and your older siblings understand this. The younger ones don't and probably never will. You offering to help financially is very generous, but there's a reason why you had to walk away. They don't understand that it's not the dementia that was causing your father to be abusive to you, not if that's how he always treated you. You don't owe your siblings a damn thing. So have not a moment of guilt over any of it.

HRlot, you said your father passed away last night. I know it’s not appropriate to say “sorry for you loss”. But I do hope you find closure. A relief that he is gone and you can move on with your life. If leaving your siblings behind is what needs to be done, then leave them behind. They don’t understand what you went through. I hope you find joy and happiness moving forward with new friends, with new FAMILY, that isn’t blood related. It’s never too late to start over. I just hope you find closure. I don’t blame you at all for not reconciling with your father. How could you? He abused you and treated you terribly. Remember what I said. You can do a teleheath conversation with a therapist to help you in the short term. Big HUGS 🤗 to you!!!

HRlot, the reason you don't feel any love towards him is because he did not give you any love in the first place. He might be your father biologically, but he wasn't a father to you mentally or emotionally. Real men don't abuse their children. Feeling the way you do doesn't make you a bad person, it means you respect yourself enough to not take crap from anyone, family especially. I don't blame you for walking away.

I am in a similar situation to you: cut off from my mother's side of the family because she was abusive towards me and they refused to acknowledge that. But you know what? I'd rather be alone than miserable. I'd rather be alone than with someone who thinks it's okay to abuse me. Because family is love, and love is not abuse.

Unfortunately we do not get to choose our family- I sure as heck would not have chosen mine.

Yes I’ve seen this before dealt with it first hand with my own family. I work in a nursing home as a supervisor but my grandfather was exactly what you described to his children. This caused lots of mental illness I actually thought you were my mother writing this until you said his diagnosis. I took over his care and my mom and aunts done all his finances and gave me money to buy his food etc. but they paid all his bills and kept receipts I supervised most of the visits because I would be the one dealing with his behaviors latter on when they left. I also talked to all my aunts about what they had experienced in there childhood as I did not have this experience since my grandfather was a born again christian who no longer was a alcoholic through my life. But it was important that they were able to talk about there trauma and be able to forgive him not for him but for themselves as I knew he would soon die. It’s ok to not be involved just tell your siblings that you just can’t do it and it’s not healthy for him either. But I love that you have shared your feelings and now you can start to forgive for yourself. So help financially it will be part of that healing for you and help you with these feelings of guilt. So go buy him a pajama set send it to him. Send your siblings lunch if there in the hospital tell them you want to support them as there able to care for him and you cannot. So support the support another-words. I just want to say I know this trauma and the need for the younger ones to have love even if it was not a healthy love. All deal with trauma in different ways it’s ok to tell them that you appreciate there way of dealing with it and you will always be there for them. Do what you can but don’t have this guilt I think by helping those you do love and indirectly helping your siblings you will find some healing. But don’t discount there grief there perception of what is happening is different then yours so if they call you for advice for his care give it over the phone. Tell them you will send lunch to the hospital for them and to call if they need anything. My Grandfather died they all had mixed feelings about that but in the end they knew he was taken care of and that they all supported me who was able to care for him physically so that guilt was not there for them I thanked them for everything they did and told them what a help it was. I’ve seen this trauma and guilt destroy family’s. It was very hard for me to do this alone but I would never have told them that because like you the abuse was severe. He died of alcohol related dementia which turned to Alzheimer’s but all are ok no guilt when they say there guilty I definitely tell them they should not be remember you helped me with his care and I couldn’t have done it without you. They suffer from mental illnesses from this abuse. Don’t feel guilty at all. Just support those you can and find a way to be at peace with your decision. I am so sorry for the abuse you endured you are a survivor.

I was reading your comment about father shutting himself in his room in later life, not abusing the younger siblings, and I was also thinking about Sendhelp’s analysis of it. I wonder about one alternative – that somehow someone reported him to authority about child abuse, and he decided he had better control it by getting out of the room. If he stayed nasty verbally, I’m not sure that he ‘mellowed’ all that much. Younger siblings might have had the dynamic that women report about abusive husbands, with earlier behavior very loving before it turns into very controlling. If so, they were lucky it didn’t go bad.

I am an only, but Mom's brothers and sisters think she is a saint. They want to blame everything on my Dad.

I was fortunate in that I did not deal with the abuse that you dealt with.

People change, through time.

Why are your siblings unwilling to assume responsibility?

Practical matters need to be addressed.

Donyah

HRlot, you can do therapy on the computer or your phone. It’s called teleheath. Most therapists are doing it this way now with a Covid and most insurance companies are paying for it, except the copay. That’s what I’m doing. My therapist sent me a link on my phone. Kinda like FaceTime. Most therapists do not want to see you face to face right now. Give it a try. I’m not taking about online therapy. I’m talking about actually going to the therapist office but because of Covid they are only doing teleheath. It’s legit.

Helpful advice from readers! I think this entire family should get professional help, either together or separately.

You have a lot of emotional history to sort through. Find a good counselor or therapist to help you through this time.

I am sorry for what you are going though and that your sister cannot respect your choice not to have contact.  My husband's sister is in her late 50's and her sons are 28 & 30.  The rest of the family had to stop contact with her several years ago because of her behavior.  The youngest son finally got away from Mom and moved out.  He is now building his own life and has a GF and is helping raise her daughter.  He is in contact with his brother but brother will not leave Mom to force her to get the help she needs.  I wish you the best and please continue to do what you need to for yourself.

Dear HRLot29: (Hi from a trained psychologist)
Your post describes a covert psychologically +physically abusive dynamic, which describes at least one parent choosing to abuse ONLY one or two children, whilst ensuring the non-abused siblings don't see or experience that abusive side, to always be able to deny everything.

In that particular dynamic, the parent(s) continue lifelong abusing and creating conflicts between siblings, unfortunately as that group of siblings gets older, the abuse dynamic continues to be hidden from the un-abused, whilst, the abused continue being abused.

Usually, the manipulative parent will recruit one or two siblings to join into the abuse, by slandering the abused to the recruited sibling, who is (still) vying for the parent's attention and approval or perhaps wanting an inheritance. Usually there's ALWAYS conflict between siblings, covertly orchestrated by the parent(s).
Those who have never seen that shitty side of your father, will never believe the abuse happened.

Does that maybe help explain your situation?

Hopefully you told nobody that you had cut off your contact.(Meaning a silent exit is the strongest if not safest tactic, since what you say will always be used against you).

At this point, it's highly likely your father is pretending to be a victim of what he claims as your abuse onto him (lies---all untrue, but his victim-hood will describe what he did or has done to you).

Nothing can be done to change him, he is very skilled at manipulating, he will never stop. Since your father will keep abusing you, This latest garbage hopefully confirms that you made the correct decision to ghost him. Your father is inciting your siblings to gang-up on you, to think that you're the problem, as he pretends to be the victim of a heartless daughter.

WHY??? Because that personality type enjoys inflicting abuse and pain, creating conflicts, etc. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to get your siblings to understand. He will keep abusing and confusing as he is dying. It never ends.

This forum contains many people who have experienced similar covertly abusive dynamics. The best tactic might be to continue staying away.

For what type of care are they wanting assistance? Professionals exist for every stage of "care." Meaning it's likely your father bemoaning your lack of participation, to get sympathy from others.

Based on your post your father has has deliberately abused you + possibly other siblings whilst successfully hiding that abuse from the everyone else. Have you spoken to the other abused siblings about his bullsh*t?

It's the worst type of abuse b/c it's HIDDEN calculated and determined. That type of personality will break your leg, whilst pretending that you broke your leg, for attention. His abuse is covertly manipulative, and NEVER something that you caused, it's not your fault, he chooses to abuse and continues to manipulate your siblings, which he has been doing for your entire life.

That type of personality's goal is to create lifelong problems between you + your siblings, placing himself at the center controlling everything; It's still happening b/c it's what he enjoys doing; it's twisted and difficult to comprehend someone without a conscience manipulating others for fun.

Your situation is highly complex and cannot be approached without you learning more about that personality type, ( to enable you to deeply understand that there was nothing you could do to fix or stop that situation, a call to social services would've escalated his abuse, to more painful hidden areas).

You must understand his actions are deliberate and calculated. Otherwise his behaviors would've never varied nor changed depending upon his audience. If he was clueless and not deliberately abusing you, then every sibling and outsider would've been exposed to the same father/character.

A book, that might help clarify his abuse:"Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft

sorry to hear of such a horrendous childhood. no child deserves to be treated that way.  Apparently he was treated that way and it carried down on some of you kids.  Please do not feel guilty that someone else now has to deal with stuff.  You have dealt with more than a person should have dealt with.  The others are just upset because now they will have to deal with his outbursts and bullying because you are no longer the "so-called" punching bag of the family and they won't know what to do.  you can offer suggestions on the "care" but for YOUR health......do not let yourself get back into the situation of the stress he has caused you.   personally I would rather be cut off and be healthy than be involved and be sick.  wishing you luck

Shelli, are you living in your moms house? If so move out with your daughter. Is she living with you? Evict her!! You and your daughter do not have to live like this!! Call APS and tell them an elderly adult is living alone. They will only step in, however, if your mom is NOT competent. You don’t owe your mother a damn thing. Walk away from her. If not for you, then for your daughter. Do it for your daughter.

Yes, but I'm helping my daughter take care of my mom in my home now who was abusive towards my brother and I. Growing up was a nightmare with her, the same thing grabbing me by the hair and dragging me accross the floor at nine years old while my four year old brother screamed in terror. We would have bruises on us from her that would last a month at a time all the way up to jr. high. Her beating my brother telling him he was just like his father ( who was different than my father) then sending him away to a boys home devistated us both. My brother has passed 15 years now. Our mom has always been known to flip out over nothing and my grandmothers excuse for my moms behavior was " She's i'll. " Whatever! So now my daughter and I are in the same boat so to say as you were but we haven't walked away from being her caregivers yet. Trust me we have wanted to many times and for the same reasons. She is to this day argumentitve and mean and rude and spits in my face. I also have very little love for her and my daughter is starting to pull away from her emotionally as well. Unfortunately with Covid-19 bringing in a stranger to our home or putting her in one is not an option for us right now so we are stuck with the abuse. Do we feel guilty for how our feelings are for her? Hell no! No one deserves to be treated like this from their elderly parent! Can the elderly parent control their behavior? Probably not. They go through a lot of loss within themselves such as loss of memory, freedom, hearing, body function control, eyesight, mobility, comprehension of what's going on, loss friends and family members. Not to mention all the pain they are in all the time. So with all of the mentioned above on top of them already being mean to begin with it's like a constant erupting volcano. You will put yourself in your grave sooner than need be if you let the rest of your family control your involvement. You have to do what is healthy mentally and spiritually for you. Your family won't understand this is something you need to do for yourself as their situations with him were different. Your not being selfish. Your surviving! Stay firm on your decision and live your life. If your siblings cut you off it's because they are resentful that they are not strong enough to do what you have chosen to do for your well being. They are also feeling the sting of the emotional obligation of taking care of him when they probably want to just live their lives freely too.

Your only mistake was offering financial help, don't give an abuser a penny, and cut toxic siblings out of your life. It sounds like you're doing everything right to me.

At this point, and after all you suffered at the hand of your father, you do not owe him nor your siblings even the time of day. Get on with your life and I really liked what one person said on here and that is you can choose who you want to be your “family” and put your energy into forming good healthy relationships. Love yourself and don’t let anybody live in your head that make you feel bad or guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Life is short so choose to be happy. Good luck to you.

If you wouldn't tolerate abuse from a friend or a stranger, why tolerate it from a parent? Abuse is abuse. It's not an accident. It's deliberate. I was very young when I got married and my then husband was physically and emotionally abusive. I lived with it for about five years until one day something clicked and I thought "I don't have to live this way". I got a divorce. I put thousands of miles between us. I did not forgive him, and I never forgot what he did. I eventually became indifferent to whatever happened to him. In my opinion, you can't forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong. It's OK to walk away and protect yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. You will eventually enter a state of happiness or feeling good and enjoy your life. I'm sorry you have experienced abuse from someone who is supposed to love you. As for your siblings, they will believe what they choose to believe and you can't control that. I have friends that I consider family. They are my "chosen family" members. I know we can depend on each other for anything, even though we live in three different states. You can begin to live your own life, free from abuse. I wish you the best.

Imho, may I suggest that you read the book, "Toxic Parents." I am married to someone who had a toxic mother and a toxic father. My husband's parents had 6 children, but "did not know what to do with them once they'd had them." After many tears trying to help the worst abused sister in law, she appreciated my comfort.
You had to protect yourself from your father, who was an abuser. I, too, was abused by a family member. I got past it after many, many years.

Another thought I had to say is basically you have PTSD from his treatment and abuse. So unless your sister knows what PTSD is and has experienced it herself, she truly hasn’t a clue and can’t even understand your point of view. So just realize that. When a soldier has PTSD he or she doesn’t go back into the battlefield. They have to work on healing their scars and trauma and so do you.

I can't imagine anyone putting up with this abuse and not hating the person doing it. This man, for whatever reasons, is mean, a devil and a horrible person. We may never know why some are favored and others beaten down but it is wrong to be cruel to anyone and he sure was. What in God's name are you feeling guilty about in walking away from this monster. If they did not receive the treatment you did, they may not see it or believe it - you can't fix that. I would tell them what he did and let the chips fall. And if they have turned on you now, why on earth are you pining for them? They may be blood but they are not worth it. Please take care of yourself and stand strong no matter what they do or say. Don't worry about this man -he does not deserve your concern. Tend to yourself and plan accordingly and make a new life so you can be happy.

You did the right thing by detaching and leaving your abusive father. I had to do the same with my mother. My brother and sister don’t understand but we had different experiences with the same parent. Don’t feel bad about that. Don’t waste a lot of time trying to convince your siblings that he was very abusive. People will believe what they want to believe. You offered financial assistance. That’s more than gracious. If they don’t accept it, so be it. You have to take care of yourself. The last bout with my *still* abusive mother was pretty tough. I will never go back to visit her or call her again. Take care of you and if you can, get a therapist who specializes in adults who had abusive parents. God bless you always.

I’ve gone through all this ‘forgive for yourself’ advice about my own dreadful father, many times. He’s now been dead for 20 years. ‘Forgiveness’ is meaningless for me, his behavior was what it was. No, I haven’t forgotten either, but I am glad to say that I think about it less and less – in fact usually from comments on this site.

‘Forgive and forget’ is most difficult when it is continuing, the man is still alive, the difficult neighbors are still next door. For me and I think for you, just look after yourself, and be true to your own sense of the respectable way for you to behave yourself.

Everyone needs to love themself; that means caring for their self. It is doing what is best for one’s self emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Plan to enjoy the remainder of your days by taking care of yourself.  Please don’t live the remainder of your life embittered; enjoy them.  
“Without forgiveness, we remained tethered to the person who harmed us. We are bound by the chains of bitterness, tied together. Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the key to our happiness, that person will be our jailor. When we forgive, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings. We become our own liberator.”
“Unforgiveness robs us of our ability to enjoy and appreciate our life, because we are trapped in a past filled with anger and bitterness. Forgiveness allows us to move beyond the past and appreciate the present, including the drops of rain falling on our face.”
The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World
By Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and Douglas Carlton Abrams

It might be a good idea to ask a pastor in your father’s hometown and ask him to call on your father and tell him of your forgiveness. If you do, you can rest in the comfort that you did the right thing, whether he responds or not. You need do nothing more. My prayers are with you. DTB