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I remember when I broke my right arm, couldn't drive for 6 months, and all my parents could think about was "who is going to drive us?". Seriously??? So they cancelled all their doctor appointments, etc.
As 97oldmom had recommended, have your parents hire help. I found a electrician who would help with changing high level light bulbs because I stopped doing ladders years ago. My parents didn't like strangers in the house, but they did like this painter they have had for decades, they trusted him. So I called the painter to ask him who is a good electrician for my parents. That worked :)
Tell your parents that you can't do as much because you need to save your marriage. Hiring help is a good idea, but if you're going to have to manage that process, that indicates that they are ready for the next step: either independent living apartment or assisted living.
Sounds like they need hired help at home or need assisted living. Surely they don't want you to lose your marriage in caring for them.
It's a true testament of a marriage when both of you commit to caring for your elderly parents. I'm still caring for my parents, and I'm engaged to a wonderful man who helps with caring for them now.
I know I'm happier not having to be torn between my parents and a husband that demands all of my time. My fiance' and I make a great team when it comes to caring for my parents.
Care for your parents and be sure to set time aside to spend with your husband on a regular basis.
Luckily, my husband is fine with having my mom live with us. His attitude is "take care of Mom, first." I'm afraid I'm in the camp of blood is thicker than water--spouses (tg mine is so understanding) come and go, so Mom is definitely the priority (after all, think of the sacrifices your parents made to give you a good, if not better, life--of course, this might not be the case). Also, even though initially, my sister's first inclination was to put Mom in a home, she now knows how beneficial it is for Mom to stay put and helps out when she can.
While some retirement places are good, many just want your money even though they will sound like they want to help. A friend had her mom in what was supposed to be a good place--they paid around $5-6k/month--but it wasn't until her mom was moved to another place to be closer to another sibling that they found out that the first place didn't ever give their mom her oxygen treatment when the new place discovered the full oxygen tank was defective (not dispensing any oxygen). That might explain why their mom had to go to the ER several times in the first place.
Perhaps with time, your husband will come around. I would think that even if he's only minimally involved he will eventually become emotionally invested in your parents and will naturally become more accepting of the situation.
Mom lives with us (husband, 10 yr old, 12 yr old, and myself). Her Alzheimer's has made us home bound and now Sundowners is kicking in. And husband does not understand. He gets angry which doesn't help. He wants his family and a "normal" life.
So I understand where you're coming from. And I'm receiving the same advice you are.... protect your marriage.
Unfortunately we have no family near by, but I have an awesome neighbor and friends that will help when last minute stuff pop up. I mostly use a home service at least twice a week. One of those days is JUST FOR ME (because we still have to take care of ourselves....ugh, really????) Sometimes I invite hubby for lunch on my day because I do miss our alone time.
I will say hospital stays I take that on myself 100%.
We have had plenty of fights lately... just like Upstream's parents.... but we are trying to keep our marriage together.
When you can.... talk... listen and acknowledge his feelings... reassure him that Yes he is important to you and you want a life with him when this season of your life is over. Share with him how difficult things are for you. Tell him it's ok for things he isn't capable of doing but what you really need is his support. This is your mom, she's sick, and she needs you right now. This isn't forever.... it just feels like it.
When it was apparent she could no longer live on her own, at my very understanding and very compassionate husband’s insistence we moved Mom in with us. BIG mistake. The Waltons we were not. It was overwhelming and we had help! After 2 months, we moved Mom to an ALF and we all settled into the new normal.
That was 3 years ago — 3 years of Mom declining and needing more & more assistance. She passed away 3 months ago and we have no regrets. We realized and accepted our limitations, working with what we could & couldn’t do.
This helped us with figuring out how to help my aging & sickly in-laws. It is especially helpful now, as FIL passed away 6 weeks ago and he did everything for my MIL.
Try as we might, we can’t do it all or be everything to everyone. I want to grow old with my husband like our parents did with each other.
It was a wake-up call for how much they had been hiding their conditions...I came home, looked all over near their home, and chose an AL apartment...and although it was the hardest thing I've done, it was so worth it. They stabilized (for over 2.5 years before my mom passed)...and they were safe!
If you can afford it, it sounds like it may be time...
Resentment is no fun...yet as far as I'm concerned, it's part of life. If not you, who will truly help them?
I think he's making it about him instead of THEM.
Once they move and are safe, and you have a larger support system, I'm sure your relationship with improve...and there will be less trauma/drama.
Still, her needs of connecting with me continue and she calls 15 to 20 times each day. I have learned by now to resist answering every call....although there is a continual tinge of having to pick up the phone.
Because my Mom always taught me that Spouse comes first - both verbally and by example - I now remind her that I need to have sometime with hubby each day. In her alert states, she understands this....then she forgets immediately.
What an illness this dementia is! Hard for the patient, but very difficult for the loved ones.
Save your marriage.
That is your most important mission here, although it is a challenging one at that!
All the best!
On my wedding day, my mom gave me a piece of advice. To be the best wife for my husband because I want him to be the best husband for me. No parents in their RIGHT mind should expect their adult children to sacrifice their marriages to take care of the parents. If they do, then they are acting like children.
Your parent will need more and more care, not less. You will never be enough. It is time for a village - in home help or assisted living. You will still be the daughter and helping still and your stress won't go away entirely, but you will have a better balance. It is hard setting boundaries with parents - but you need to. God bless you and i hope you find a way.
The thing is, when we're all dewy-eyed and dutiful to begin with, we a) don't realise how much time and legwork is going to be involved; b) don't realise how long this is going to go on, and how much more demanding it will get; and c) don't account for the impact all the little things adding up will have on our wider lives.
Delegate, delegate, delegate. Putting your husband first does not mean not caring about your parents, it just means being realistic about there being only one of you and only 24 hours in the day. And you can also, at the same time, expect a *certain* degree of generosity and understanding from your husband at times of crisis, especially. You'll do the same when he needs it, after all, won't you?
She has two grown sons and neither help. In fact her youngest robbed us twice . He is in prison and is constantly begging money. The oldest son is well to do and dose nothing for his mother. He may call for a couple minutes. He did tell me that the younger son was stealing from us. Again Bless you and take care of yourself first, if you go down they have nothing and you deserve a good life.
Lot of money but also doesn't qualify for Medicaid either? Being raised by a European family it is the children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents otherwise you would be ostracized by your community!! My husband really doesn't understand that but he is trying to be patient through these years while I am taking care of my mother who has late st as he dementia.....
Sorry but I disagree with all those opinions that simply put the spouse first, because the complaining spouse should put the caregiving spouse first too! That is a marriage, at least that’s how I see it.