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Run away! There are a lot of guys who don’t have this kind of baggage. You could find one.
I'm glad he has shown you his priorities before you committed to the relationship legally. Take him at his word. I would not marry (or even waste time dating) someone who didn't put his SO first. It won't get better over time. I would ditch him and his mommy.
If your BF has just bought the new house, and expects you and adult child to move in, the whole deal should have been talked through before the purchase. If BF has been living with you and sharing rent, him moving out may leave you with much higher living expenses on your own, even no option except to move in with BF and M. No idea where it leaves adult child. The fact that it doesn't seem to have been agreed in advance, is a serious indicator that BF is NOT a good bet as a partner, marriage or otherwise.
Perhaps BF DID think it was agreed in advance, and you have now got cold feet. That's a pity, but you are probably right to have cold feet. Check the house title - M may have put up some of the money and M may be a part owner (hence 'she's not going anywhere'), which may be one more way where you will be the one with no rights.
If you are desperate for somewhere to live, perhaps move in and use it as a short term pad while you and your son or daughter find somewhere better. If you are happy with where you live, stay put if you can.
When you two get intimate at his place, does he tell his mom to get lost for the night? Or does he just come over? Because I wouldn’t be all honeymoon with his mom right there. He probably feels the same about your adult child.
What are M’s plans for the next 20 years? Is the house part of her deal with BF that ‘you’ll never put me in a home’? If so, the unspoken part of that deal is that you will be her caregiver as she ages.
It’s not just about the day to day living now, though that’s difficult enough. It’s also about the long term expectations.
I would seriously be getting second thoughts about all of this if it were me.
Why in the world would you want to marry a mama's boy? Surely there are some "true" men still left in the world right?
Your fiancé is telling you from the get go who his number one priority is....his mother, so why would you ever want to settle for second best? Do you not think highly enough of yourself that you're willing to settle? I pray not. Your children deserve to see a better example set before them as to what a healthy relationship looks like, as the one you're in now is far from healthy.
You will lose your privacy and a lot more. This will never be your home; it will always be their home.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are the third wheel?
Your Fiancé bought a home. I am assuming he wants you to move in rent free? Sounds like a deal to me.
I wouldn't marry for Dr. Laura's suggested 2 years however. In that time you will know if this is working well for all involved, and if not you will have the option to simply move on, right?
I might also consider marriage counseling. Given you are crazy about his mom, and this sounds wonderful, what would happen should mom, in another decade, require care, have dementia, other problems. Not saying that one of the two of YOU couldn't totally crump in that time, but what would the PLAN be if she does? It's good to consider, discuss, and work out plans, despite the admonition that when man plans, God laughs.
Yep.
I don’t know if you have been married before but that right there should be the deal breaker. If there is no consideration or compromise with this there likely will be no consideration or compromise for anything. I’m sorry. Please set a good example for your daughter. You don’t want her to be a doormat do you?
Not only no, but hell no
Your fiance needs a caregiver/housekeeper more so than a bride-to-be who's quiet and non confrontational methinks. What do YOU think, more importantly?
My dimwitted half sister took up with a man who came as a package deal with his 88 year old mother. Which my sister felt was fine bc she came as a package deal along with her 37 year old do-nothing daughter and 7 year old granddaughter. I warned her against moving into his house and becoming the carer for his mother, but she is as stubborn as a mule. To make a long story short, the man became the husband who then demanded my niece either get a full time job to pay him rent or take care of his mother, or get out. My niece gave him the finger, took her daughter and moved into a shelter in NYC. My sister is facing becoming the caregiver for DHs mother, naturally.
When you face a "strings attached" relationship, you need to be very wary of it, imo. Read this forum for awhile to get an idea of what it looks like to live with a MIL. Me, I'd tell this fiance thanks but no thanks.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision.
One kore thing, if you do move in, do not quit your job. Leave yourself an opening to be able to walk away. Store what you don't take with you.
"no"
Your welcome.
You may like your boyfriend's mother very much. You may even love her, but if you live together that will soon change.
My father used to say that women were like bees and there can only be one queen in a hive. When there's two they will fight to the death. One queen in a hive. One woman in a house.
No living with your boyfriend's mother. Talk him into moving her to an independent senior community while she's still able to look after herself. Then when she can't homecare comes in, or AL, or LTC. This way you don't end up being her caregiver.
Also, here's another bit of useful advice. Don't live with your boyfriend too long. Get married. This is how you really start a life with someone and it will give you certain legal rights. When you're just living together in a boyfriend's house he can kick you out in a second. It's not that easy to when you're legally married. Look out for yourself and your best interests, sister.
You can carry a relationship on with this man if you want but please do not move in with him. Do not marry him. He is telling you Mom comes first. You don't really want to start a marriage off with one of you having baggage. Mom is baggage. I remarried and brought a child into the marriage. On the whole it worked out. My daughter loves her Dad, he adopted her, but as a young couple we missed so much. It would have been nice if we had that courtship faze. Then the marriage just us two for a while. Picking a new home together and then having kids. You are not going to have that time to yourselves. Mom is always going to be there. You won't do anything without Mom coming along too.
Forum and for responding to our suggestions.
Yes, I kind of agree with your Fiancé. I don't think you are being "rude" per se.
But I DO think you are being entirely unreasonable.
When you met this man it was clear that he chose to live with his mother.
He has lived with his mother, by his choice, for EIGHT YEARS.
It is clearly his intent to take care of his mother in his home as long as he is able.
He has made his choice clear.
I think that you have utterly no business dictating to the man how he should live his life.
I would not live with my mother for life; I would never consider it. But he DID and he DOES. It isn't for you to march in and change around his life. You knew who he was when you accepted his ring.
How in the world does it happen that you have a BF who lives with his mom for 8 years and he asks you to marry him and you don't say "I really don't wish to live in the same home with a MIL. Two women ruling the house doesn't work. So if you intend on living with your mom for the duration I will have to decline"?
Clear as crystal.
Your boyfriend has made no bones about who he is and how he wishes to live (that's with his mom).
Ball is in your court, and if you marry a guy and you PRETEND to be OK with a situation you know that you are NOT OK with and think you can change him? Then shame on you. That isn't just RUDE, that is WRONG. And you will bring havoc into a peaceful and beautiful home. Not much of a recipe for successful marriage I am thinking.
If you're being "rude" by stating your feelings, then your fiance doesn't want a wife, just someone to play 2nd fiddle to his first love: mama. You'll always come last in his life.
My DH had a weird relationship with his mother that I did not 'see' until we had been married for a few years. He kept us apart all the time we were dating, and for good cause--had I known what a harridan she was, I would not have married him. Of that I am 100% certain.
She never lived with us, but she kept her claws in him until the day she died. She was the #1 woman in his life, not out of love, but duty, guilt and for the sake of peace.
No house is lovely enough for this dynamic. If you choose to move in, you will always be 2nd. Always.
She could easily live 20 more years. Think about that.
‘Cause that’s what you’ll be doing before you know it.
Mama’s boy won’t let Mom go into a nursing home.
He’ll have to work or leave the house, ‘cause no one stays home all day, every day.
So, there you will be, in charge of getting out those wet wipes and going to town cleaning her bottom.
How does that picture grab you?