My dad's not participating in anything at assisted living, any suggestions?

I didn't read any of the responses but what I suggested when my daddy was in a facility, I asked the activities director to put him in charge of something... get out the papers for the bingo game, distribute the pencils, pick up the papers. Maybe your dad can water the plants, straighten the magazines etc. Blessings

Yes, it is really soon being four days in... At least he is not demanding to leave or trying to leave. You are right, there are very few men in these facilities because statistically they are outlived by the women by quite a few years. Your dad might find a lady friend to watch tv with or have lunch with.

My mom didn't have any hobbies and was not very social. We had the same issue until she met a male companion. In the beginning it really upset the mans family that he was spending time with my mom and for some reason he thought we were after his dads money. I had to call the mans family to assure them we were not after his money and that at this stage in life we were lucky that our parents found someone to spend time with. It was all very innocent..they would watch tv and dine together... sometimes hold hands. I would pick them both up and take them for car rides and icecream. I would bring the man to our house for holidays because he did not want to go to his sons...apparentlyt they didn't get along. He became part of the family. This went on for at least 5 years. He passed and my mom declined even more and is now in her third memory care facility. How I wish my mom still had her friend... She is too far along to befriend someone new. Mom is in late stage now...

So I guess my advice is to not limit your expectations to him meeting a male companion. Hope for a nice woman that he can sit with. He is going to have to go to the dining room for a chance encounter to happen. You should join him at a large table of other residents for lunch or coffee to get him comfortable with them. Then hopefully he will begin to join them without you. That's what I did with my mom.

When my hubby was in the middle of that terrible disease he stopped being social Perhaps this is happening to your Dad also. I think it became too hard on his brain to maintain a conversation. Let him do what he wants.

Rebecca66012291: Much more time is required for your father to find his way.

It takes 1-2 months to adjust. Make sure to talk to the activities director and see how they can get him involved.

If he’s an introvert, he’s not going to suddenly get out and join people. He needs time to adapt. The Area Agency on Aging might know of a volunteer group that can provide companionship for people his age. It sounds like future finances are a worry. The Area Agency on Aging can help you, as can an elder law attorney. If you visit frequently he’ll not seek out others since he can, at some level, expect you to show up.

We have same problem with our middle aged quadriplegic who is in a care facility. His mind is fine but he is not socializing. I think the age difference between him and most of the residents is part of the problem. Any suggestions here?

Give him time..can take 30 days to adjust..

Four days is way too early for your father to settle in. When my dad had to move for care, the facility recommended the family not even visit for 10 days or so to give the resident an adjustment period. I wouldn’t worry yet. Give him time and don’t visit every single day if you can help it, he’ll just depend on you and maybe not even attempt to participate.

I agree with many other responses: 4 days is still too early in adjustment. The facility offers meals and activities to join but never forces them. Visit your dad once a week so you do not "shadow" him as he adjusts to his new residence. He will decide what he wants to do. The staff will help with the rest of his work and check on him at least once daily in his room. As his condition progresses, more often than once a day. That is what your dad is paying for.

my mom is a extreme introvert and what you are describing is what I experienced with her. So, I found a caregiver (for you, get a man). I talked to the person and gave a life resume of my mom. I asked her to come with me and introduced her as my friend who was looking into where she was staying at some point. With the knowledge of my mom’s background and her likes and dislikes, they were able to bond well. First thing my friend did was ask mom if she would like to go out to lunch since they liked similar food. Then they visited a military memorial. Other times, she played solitaire in front of mom. Mom likes to watch but doesn’t play games anymore. I found that no matter what they tell you in the homes or facilities, the one on one is missing. My mom still has her caregiver and now that mom cannot go out (it causes her too much angst), they still have their time together. It is 4 hours a day now and 5 days a week. I have another “friend” who comes in 2 days. Mom now gets showers and lotions and hair trimmed and walking, a companion to go to events and introduce her to others. I cancelled the pricy care of the AL showering her because it wasn’t working. Mom would refuse and they would say “okay” not tell me and still charged me what amounted to 35.00 hr for the minimum showers 2 times a week. Get a friend. You will be so much happier. Mom doesn’t know she is paid and I kid mom that she took my friend but that is okay. I get a text every day telling me how the day went. I scheduled the hours over 2 meals so mom can have company while eating. My friend is on a special diet so she doesn’t eat the meals given there but brings her own.

This is not your issue to solve. Your father has to live his life the way he sees fit. If he refuses to get involved then so be it. Although I do like the idea of hiring a companion once a week to visit with him. I had one for my father when he still lived on his own.

When my father decided to go to AL I thought he would thrive because he was a social butterfly. The exact opposite happened. He didn't get involved in anything except maybe a rare scenic bus ride. he was annoyed they did not provide a shuttle to the local casino. They had a history lecture every Monday night. He was a total history buff but never bothered to attend. That was not my problem to solve. I could not be his sole source of entertainment.

Why don't you try if your Dad eats breakfast meet him and bring him down to breakfast and sit at another gentleman table. That goes for lunch and dinner for awhile.
Also get the Assisted Living schedule and show up to some of the events, bingo, music, crafts what ever they have.
It maybe he's unsure of were to go and is a little intimidated to ask someone. Try that for awhile and then have the care home alert him and bring him to the different events that he likes. As he gets better continue to go periodically and encourage him in all activities he enjoys.
It will take time to assimilate especially if he not accustomed to communal living, or being around so many people again.
Give it some time with encouragement. If that doesn't work then go ahead and hire a companion to get him over the hump.
Good-luck hang in there.

Good Afternoon,

What about if you ate a few meals with him in the dining room and introduced him to 2 people. He doesn't have to befriend the entire unit but just a few. I know some people who eat with someone new every night when they are new.

The men usually like sports on tv but we are made for one another and you need human contact. Can you hire an assistant 2 days per week to bring your father to an event?

Me, if the money is there, I will go into AL. But, I still want my life to go on the way it has. I get up about 9. I eat a light breakfast so can do that in my room. My Mom had a small frig and microwave. Lunch, I never eat I just snack in the afternoon. Dinner would be the only meal I would need. So maybe go down for a little socialization. I am used to spending my day in the Den so spending it in my room is no big deal. If I want to join in activities OK if not that also should be OK. I am paying big bucks to live there. Its a residence, my home, and as such I do what I want when I want. Get up late, go to bed late.

He is depressed and worried about dying. I saw this situation with my wife. I tried everything I could think of to get her to exercise but you can’t force it on anyone.and once I put her on hospice ( just to get better care) it was like she gave up. The move to a new living environment will have a great impact on their mental health and outlook. All you can do I give them love.

They're "encouraging" this at the facility especially when it comes to meals (lunch or dinner ,). It's not too bad, though funny when some residents complain about lack refreshment choices or the food.

It's also funny for their help wanted as for an activities person, the part where the potential hire should be prepared for low motivation for the resident to be involved.

It's way too early to expect anything to happen. Many people who move and have no health problems take lots of time to adjust to their new surroundings. He has to make this place "his own" before feeling comfortable enough to venture out. Everything is new and strange especially with alzheimers. Just take it easy and know that he's safe and being checked in on from time to time. If the facility feels there's an issue, they'll let you know.

It sounds like the facility / manager of the department didn't tell you that it takes a while for a person to adjust - perhaps 6-8 weeks. This has only been a few days.
* Give him as much time as he needs.
* 'Try' not to worry or be too concerned (at this point). He needs to ease into a new situation / environment.
* I would reframe from (trying) pushing him to do things / social activities, engage with others. There may be a very fine line between encouragement and pushing although he will know / feel what you are doing and perhaps resist (more).
* If I were you, I would more so focus on encouraging him to express to you (the family) how he is feeling. I am not sure what Stage 5 Alz means in terms of his cognitive functioning / ability to communicate with you, however, focusing attention on him 'one-on-one,' in ways that he feels cared about / for - and to get his feelings out may help him. It may also help you relax a bit more / (less anxious) and trust things will fall into place over the next few weeks.
* My client (with advanced dementia) did adjust after several weeks. She got to love the care aides. I actually didn't believe them although they were right.
- As well, the relationships at the facility are so very important. As your dad starts to get to know the staff, and they show they care, he likely will start to feel more connected / and not so alone.

Volunteer Organizations:

* See if LITA operates in your area.
* Call local County City Hall Senior Services Dept and ask about volunteer organizations.
* Ask social worker at facility.
* Call college dept heads (nursing, counseling, geriatrics) for students / volunteers. They can get credit or experience visiting an elder.
* Post notice at your (or a) local church for a volunteer visitor.

I did this for my friend-companion who was in a nursing home and bed ridden.
Socialization visits / visitors was critically important to me, for him.
- It helped me as I was exhausted going as often as I was. Having others visit was essential for his quality of life. He had two lovely 'friends' for two years. They were a Godsend. And, I was able to rest a bit more or do other responsibilities, while also working.

- Have you tried inviting your dad to the dining room there with you and your sister - to ease him into it ? Perhaps you try this already? I certainly wouldn't expect him to go alone yet.

To recap - try to relax a bit more and trust the process - his process.
If he likes to paint or draw, perhaps take him out into the garden area and bring a sketch pad.

When you do visit, always take him out into the common areas.
Do NOT stay in his room. The key is to ease him into the environment with you.

Is there a social worker you can talk to on the premises?
They should be supporting you / guiding you through this process.
They know how it it / how it goes.

You might want to employ a massage therapist too, if you think that would help him. And it doesn't need to be a certified therapist (as I am). Anyone can give a gentle 'touch' massage. If he'd enjoy that, give him a scalp massage or a foot massage. It will relax him. I presume that he may feel depressed, alone, lost. Being with him - where he is - will help him. Let us know how it goes.

Gena / Touch Matters

Step back and let him find his way to people and activities. If you’re hovering too close, he won’t do it. Ditto for the male companion. In four months or so, if dad’s unhappy, reconsider.

If I were to move into such a place, I’d sit back and look things over before jumping into things! Let him have his space and see what develops.

Good luck to dad in his new home.

My mom was admitted to MC at Stage 4. I'm surprised that the facility accepted your Dad.

With dementia, there is almost no initiative. I'm not sure why the AL would think that he would make his way up and out of his room and down to where the activities are going on.

In my mother's MC, the bedrooms are built around a central activities/dining/community room.

Your Dad may like your male visitor idea .
Maybe after a couple of weeks after Dad gets used to this person , the male visitor could go with him to meet other residents at an activity or meal .

Much more time is needed for your Dad to find his footing.
Remember, your Dad is your DAD; he isn't YOU.
Let him find his own way. He will do it. As my brother said to me "This is kind of like when I was young and in the Army. I didn't much like it, but I made the best of it."
Give Dad time to find his way. Let him do that for himself and without any pressure or suggestion. This is something that is his to handle. We lose our ability to handle most things, and this can be his to handle. You can't fix everything for you, and the trying reduces him to being somewhat more a "child" than your Dad. His being in care should help you to move on to being his child again, not his caregiver.

Just my humble opinion and know I am wishing you both the best.

I too think Dad needs MC. ALs are just that, they assist. An Activities director may come to his room and tell him "Bingo time" but she can't make him come out of his room. Stage 5 is pretty into his journey. And 4 days is not enough time for him to adjust. The AL should have a calender posted and one given to Dad. See when activities are. Go at that time and take Dad to them. Stay with him till he seems engaged, then leave. Its just like taking a toddler to Nursery school on their first day. Once he gets used to a routine, then it will be easier for the aides to coax him out. But its not their responsibility to babysit him. Thats not what an AL does.

Geesh it's only been 4 days, it can take several months to adjust to new surroundings when dementia is involved.

Don't impose your worries on him, let it flow, you cannot live vicariously through him.

His brain is broken, his wants and needs will in no way line up with yours.

Don't become a helicopter daughter, it will keep you both stuck.

Back off, facilities recommend that you stay away for a week or two, sounds like you are not following their advice.

Like you said...it's only been 4 days. So give the poor man a break and give him time to adjust.
And I'm guessing that you haven't listened to the advice of the facility and stayed away for a week or more to allow your dad to adjust right?
There's a good reason they typically tell families that. It's so your dad can now get adjusted to his new home and the people around him, without family interfering.
I don't know if it's now too late for you to try and stay away of if the damage has already been done.
I can only guess that had you listened, that when the 2 weeks were up that you would have come back to see a very different dad. One more engaged in the activities and more like himself.
Perhaps it's best since you didn't initially stay away that you at least now limit your visits to once or twice a week, to let him adjust.
Your dad needs time to do that, so please honor that .

The other answers are good too. If time goes by , and he doesnt participate, but seems ok overall, dont worry about it.
My dad does zero activities. He does go down for lunch and dinner , sometimes sits with others, sometimes not. But thats all. So be it.

Yes, Let him be!! If he wants to get involved and/ or interact with others be it social and/or fine. If he doesn't, also fine.

He's lost the choice to live on his own, at least let him have the choice to live the way he wants, legally, in his new home.

You need to adjust your expectations. He has dementia and you want him to never change or to act like someone without dementia. I get it. Going through that with my Mom now, too.

Is he on meds for depression? If not, why not? AL for stage 5 dementia? Doesn't seem appropriate level but I'm assuming the facility admins agree with AL for him.

Also, day 4 of AL is too early to expect him to have adjusted. People with dementia do not adjust to new things quickly or easily. It can sometimes (and often) make their symptoms worse for a while.

Stay away for 2 weeks. Discuss meds for him. Dementa robs people of their ability to use reason, logic, memory, judgment... so they literally can no longer bring their minds to a place of acceptance and peace, they need help doing it.

After we transitioned my MIL to AL for short-term memory impairment she refused to participate in anything, not even leaving her room for meals. Then she was transitioned to LTC. It went on there for a while there too, but eventually the staff was able to coax her out. Now she looks forward to all their offerings. She is on meds. It took her several years to get to this point.

"It be great for him to have someone that he gets coffee with and does one activity a day or even goes down for a meal."

You are projecting your idea of how his AL experience should go onto him. You will disappoint yourself if you keep doing this. Have 0 expectations and take each day one at a time. That's as much as you can do. And meds.

Dad should be in Memory Care Assisted Living where activities are specifically geared to folks with dementia. They're also herded out of their rooms every morning, normally, into the activity room where they're encouraged to socialize with others and participate in the happenings of the moment. My mother wasn't even allowed to eat any meals in her room in MC unless she was ill. Regular AL is for pretty independent seniors who don't require too much help and can socialize on their own.

If dad doesn't adjust within the next couple of months it's your indicator he needs more help and prompting than he's getting in AL. A companion might help, but memory care would likely be his best bet.

Good luck to you.