Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

It's FOGgy here sometimes. My mother has tried to tell me how I owe HER, because she gave me her car (so I'd become her driver). One time she even said she did babysitting for me (true, that she did, BUT a lot of it she BEGGED to do -- one of my sons was her favorite grandchild, and she would beg to take him for the afternoon or day...invite wasn't extended to my other two), and so I owed it to her to do things for her.

Of course none of my brothers "owe" her anything. Not even the one who lived with my parents without paying any rent in the expensive NYC suburbs until he was 29 and my parents moved down here. He cannot do anything for her, because he is so "busy" and has to have 24/7 Internet access, etc. He hardly even comes to visit now. Of course if I brought this up to her, she would start crying and shaking and telling me how worthless I am. That's what happened when I reminded her that there was a 5-year period in the 2000s when that brother didn't even see my parents for FIVE years.

My mother made us her life. There are probably so many reasons more that she is the way that she is, however my will is much stronger at this point. I'm too old for this sort of crap. I really wish more than anything my mother could have just found her way to the light, however the dark has always been the easier way. So very sad.

My mother does this to me constantly. I try to be independent and then she goes on a rampage of threatening to cut me off. This is normally the case:
me: "Look I understand I live in your house I live by your rules. However, you are not offering me any other choices."
mother: "I am offering you a choice a free education." (refering to college)
me: "I need a computer or something to work in college and you are completely unwilling to provide privicy or the other."
mom: "You owe me a debt your electronics are my compensation"
me: "My electronics are my only source of income."
mom: "Give them to me or i kick you out and disown you."
Basically this h*ll sh*t goes on i have no choice to give the electronics which are locked inside of a safe.
So yeah. Two words i constantly say to my mother "F*ck You" Note to parents respect your kids and they will respect you.

I am not the victim of any of that. But, I would guess that people stuck in that situation would naturally gravitate to this web site....seeking kindred spirits and sympathetic ears. Which this web site is great for!

Selwyn45 - what a relief to find out that other people are going through the same feelings as me. My father has just got into intensive care and is very sick. He is my mum's carer. I have moved in for 5 days doing all jobs, cooking etc and when I said I was heading back to my home for 2 days as I had important stuff and she was to be on her own for two nights - she launched at me that if anything happens to her she would never forgive me and that how can I abandon her - its was awful how guilty she made me feel but I am going to stick to these boundaries otherwise she will do it again and again and I will be stuck caring for her the whole time my is in hospital and thereafter if he doesn't make a recovery. Emotional blackmail leaves me feeling so bleak.... it also makes it hard to be around her as she is do needy - its as if she can't recognise or respect my separate life as its all about her .... thanks for your comments they have helped..

Hei, i' ve been reeding several sittes, because i really feel like my mum has ways a control over me when i was a little kid she wouldnt spent any time with me, insted she would spent with other family member and let them ridicularize me in public, and call me lazy and over the year the things went dont the hill i coudnt have a proper partiner, one day a wrote a heartfall lettler putings all my feelings on it and where words " your faut, you was the one who create da distance" . Now im happy in a long year relaxionship i have move out because she kick out about two years ago, and now she complains that i dont she her and when i see her she brings guilty trips about and i've try all kind os drugs to keep my mind out feeling guilty but is really hard:( and i believe to be mess up for life, for those out there dont let that happens to you because this kind od depretion is not healthy

It is interesting in Susan Forwards book (Emotion Blackmail) she suggests that the first thing that one has to learn is one of timing. Ie don't respond straight away (whether it is demands, making you angry,undermining your confidence or any communication intending hurt). 'I will think about it and talk to you later'. You will need to tolerate your intense feelings and you will have to bite your tounge.Secondly, she suggest you stand back and become an observer, ie., stand back and watch the repetitive patters of behaviour and interactions. You must observe how you feel and tolerate these feelings. Move politely on with your agenda. I think if you want things to change others will not do that for you. Therefore, as difficult it is, plan your day as best you can , know that you are going to have your hot buttons pushed - but run your own agenda. Be polite, firm, bite your tounge , observe your own emotions and acknowledge them -push through with you agenda

The threat of withdrawing Money Or self anihilation must be the ultimate threat. It keeps you dangling . Moreover it tells you how much your care is appreciated. Maybe resilience and perseverance are the only two options left. If you can wisely share this work with others (need to talk with others who are open to commit to scheduled times) largely leaving mother out of this communication loop. Then presenting this new exciting change to your mother as an added extra. Just a suggestion

The worst "situation" I have ever witnessed was when a mother said to her daughter "If you want your share of the inheritance you will do etc etc etc" I was horrified. Manipulation at its best!!

Hi, I think that whatever you try will ultimately met by another strategy. Maybe the secret is that you carve out some time for your self (friends, hobbies, etc). Maybe , because of your dedication to caring many of your former friends have not been on the scene. Therefore reestablishing time for yourself, I believe, is important. Communications with spouses and other family members is important as they need to know your feelings and thoughts. This can be very hard sometimes as others might question your competence and ability to do the caring job. I think that you have to break through this kind of thinking and reclaim space for yourself- this is not selfish or non caring. You can only do a good job when your tanks have been refuelled. The risk is that , you need to communicate frankly your needs to other players.Or the person you are caring for. I think you will feel FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) however these feeling will need to be tolerated . I know it sounds simple but in fact is mammoth task for for the carer. There will be many conflicting feelings. I, however think the risk is worth it if one is going to live a somewhat fulfilled life. I know I can't 'walk in another persons shoes' therefore forgive me if this response is inappropriate
Regards

Many manipulative moms create divorces for those adult children who don't see it for what it is. So often if they see it at all, it's too late.

Hi Tacy22 thank you for your response. There are so many variations of circumstances, gender and personalities involved in caring. Sometimes it can be very exasperating while at other times things seem to go well. Having a mother who selectively uses language that heightens tension between siblings drives open communications underground installing mistrust and suspicion. It is tiring and often breeds negativity, something we can do without, especially in the caring roll. Thanks again for your response.
John22

Hi Tacy, as primary carer for over a decade you both become emeshed in relational dynamics and you obviously stand outside it to figure out what is going on. I think we all do that. There is a difference between donating and self sacrifice.

John, I understood what you wrote. Tacy, often we do have to stand outside and look at what is going on. If we're inside, we get swept up into emotions, so we pull outside and figure things out. I understand what John meant when he said that she was there. Some people live, but never really participate in life. They occupy a chair, but not a space in the hearts of people. Perhaps it is because they don't have a place in their hearts for others. I understood what he meant. Some people are just there.

My mother was quite and as previously stated, had a domestic in house roll all of her life. She never made a des ion for her sel, nor initiated any activity. All I could say at her eulogy was 'that she was there'. She was extremely dependent on her children to the point she became irritated when not given attention. When visitors came, she needed one of her children to be there to stimulate conversation and serve the coffee. This was very confusing for her children as there was no indication of the strength nor intimacy of the relationship. Not knowing this produced conflict and mistrust amount the siblings. This mistrust became a feature between several siblings. One sibling considered herself the favourite leaving others wondering. The last 20 years mother spent watching TV. She had no initiative nor encouragement for her children. All of the siblings are highly educated and often wonder if, implicitly, that we were seeking some form of acknowledgement. It never came. Sitting with her during her last days a degree of intimacy developed and she would frequently say, " I should have done more with my life. Now that the siblings have to divide her possessions the mistrust and confusion continues. It is obnoxious negative and highly distressing. John88

lululovespapas, how old is your mother and how advanced is her dementia? How much are you having to do for her? I hope you haven't found it necessary to quit your job for you really can't afford that at 37?

i go thru this with my mother alot,....i am 37 and been caring for her for 5 years since my dad died. i am single and i dont have much of a life anymore because of her manipulations. i am so tired.

Your right in that some but not all hurt people end up hurting other people. It is a myth that all people who abused where once abused themselves.

In reading about emotional incest and physical incest, I noticed how similar the symptoms are for both types victims.

Most of the victims of emotional blackmail that I've seen and read about were first victims of emotional incest which is not sexual but still is an invasion of a child's personhood. While some prefer the milder term, emotional enmeshement, it is wht it is.

I've seen four types which can and often do overlap. Since they are not sexual, they can take place between a parent and a child of the same sex.

1. The eternal child who is infantalized by the parent and not allowed to really grow up. My wife and my fight with this one is one reason we married in our early 30ties.

2. The parentified child who is raised to feel like they have to function as the parent's parent. My wife was raised with the expectation that she would not marry but stay at home and look after her parents. Get this. Her parents had sent her to college and to a university where she got a PhD. They expected her to just come home and live on the farm with mom and pop in the middle of no where? What a cruel joke.

3. The partnerfied child in which the child becomes the parent's substitute partner either in a bad marriage or as a single parent. We see the impact of this in marriages where the husband or the wife really can't fully give themselves to the relationship and grow in intimacy because emotionally they are in a since "married to a parent." My wife and I both experienced this one with our moms and we got counselling to over come this burden. We have felt much more married to each other since then.

4. The needy child who wants the parent to be the loving parent that they never were,. I see this in my SIL who is also the apple that didn't fall far from the tree. She's like the very personality that she does not like. She keeps hoping for change and really believes she is honoring her mother like the Bible says to while she doesn't see that she is not honoring her husband.

She is my wife's identical twin sister, but she was raised more by her co-dependent, passive father. He told his daughters when they were young that he saw the abuse there mom was dishing out on them but there was nothing he could do. Often, the spouse is also a victim of the parent who is abusing the children and they feel powerless. I doubt he ever knew or suspected just how close his wife and his daughter had become.

When it comes to some personality disorders like borderline, it appears to me that there might be a small genetic component along with the psycho/social aspect of the disease. I say that because I've seen some apples that fell mighty close to the tree and it seems to have been passed down from one generation to another.

I am not sure that someone who manipulates someone just for the fun of it is a very healthy personality to deal with for that sounds like a sick sense of humor.

While I know that some victims take on a victim mentality and wear there pain like a badge of honor that they just have to carry a chip or a mountain on their shoulder about, but I don't agree that we can blame the victim for being abused.

Also, to be fair some dads emotionally blackmail their adult sons and daughters as well.

Many years ago, my wife and I had put up with more than enough from her mother. We put up some rather radical boundaries with consequences plus limited our contact with her mom which includes staying in the hotel instead of in the house. A therapist once told her to not only live a certain distance from her mother but also never to be the hands on care giver when her mother got older because of the risk of her anger coming out when her mother reached a very weak state. I understand that for when my wife got in full contact with her anger at home one night it was frightening when she told me she knew just how she wanted her mom to do die and how long it would take. A policeman told me that when someone is that full of that much rage that they can sometimes forget who is in the house with them is not who they are angry at and go deadly wild. So, I got her some help that night.

We had to deal with my mom also, but she's dead now. I could write more about her and my life with her as a single mom which changed very little when she married again to a man much like her dad who was a drunk which opened the door for her to become a drunk as well which she did despite her earlier claims that she would never do that. However, I think that I've gone past making my points and this post is already very long.

Cmag, Maggie, golden, I think most people can come up with an example of an adult who manipulated a child or spouse just for the grins or because they can't help it. Some abuse their children emotionally & physically because something happened back in their lifetime that didn't sit well and they have fed on the hatred for years. I had a DIL like that who, when anyone in the family disrespected, dishonored, or ignored her for whatever reason, felt the need to get revenge even if it took years and years. I would wake up in the middle of the night when they were in town listening to the soft arguments of her blasting my son because he "didn't take up for her or didn't say anything to the other party for hurting her feelings or ignoring her or ...)" She couldn't let anything rest or just say let it roll off the back. She had to make his life miserable because she was miserable (mentally ill as well) Once she finally had him saying ok,ok,ok, just shut up, she would start in on the actual party who hurt her feelings, argued until they were ready to shoot her and finally she felt justified in saying "now it's over". Luckily, I've not had to deal with the sexually abusive person but the other is bad enough. I was just glad when he finally divorced her and got her out of my family. You can't change the other person but you can change you and/or the situation if you're unhappy. No one should be unhappy and let it keep happening over and over. She was a narcissist as well. Get them out of your life or at least get some distance so you don't have to deal with them. You'll live longer too. You can't help their mental illness so help yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself it's no longer your problem and walk away fro the ones causing the most hurt. Only deal with them by phone because that way, you can hang up on them if necessary. And Maggie, sometimes the victim is to blame but even though they may not be able to help it, they still cause a lot of pain. The more they cause pain, the further you step back. Sometimes that is the only thing that will help you retain your sanity.

I googled "narcissism in politicians" and got lots of hits. The man you are thinking about is not alone. I believe narcissism is often evident in politicians. Think power, prestige, status, authority, grandiosity, sense of entitlement...

Whether or not he would test as NPD, which is a mental illness, I don't know. It is not the same as having some narcissistic traits.

BTW, I didn't mention his name, since I didn't want to send the organic search engines this way.

golden, I think you're right about NPD being a mental illness. I've always believed that one of the people running for president right now is the poster child for NPD. And though he is popular, he is setting a self-destructive path for himself now and won't listen to counsel. It is like he can't listen to counsel, because his own thoughts are the only correct ones. We can learn a lot about the extremes of NPD just studying his life. His life has worked for him, so there has been no reason to change. Unfortunately, he has hurt many others around him. He just shrugs it off as inconsequential.

A quote from Karyl McBride Ph.D.
Narcissism is a serious disorder that has far reaching effects. Our obligation to understand demands informed awareness.

Maggie - In my opinion, your statement comes close to blaming the victim.

Jessie - I think I am more like you in that the past is fading somewhat, but not because the pressures of care today are so great. It is because the crazy phone calls and demands have decreased and I have cut contact with my narc sister. Mother is very well cared for in an ALF suited to her special needs. That having been said I had a panic attack last time I visited mother and I haven't had one of those for a very long time so I guess it all is not so far back. The memory of facts may be, but the feelings are still close to the surface.

cmag - to me parents who abuse their children emotionally, physically or sexually are mentally ill and they for the most part are not capable of doing otherwise. They see their children as extensions of themselves and means of satisfying their needs, not as separate individuals with needs of their own. Sadly, the effects of these relationships are life long.

MaggieMarshall, your position would mean that once the adult children stop being manipulated that the moms would learn from it and change their tactics. However nice that is to hope for, it is not reality. If we really knew why, then we could cure these and other personality disorders. Their traits and tactics are so similar from one mother to another they are legion with different names and a few other uniquenesses about themselves.

I don't think that parents who abuse their children emotionally, physically or sexually do it because they know that their manipulative tactics works. Their tactics work but the destruction that such abuse does to a child lasts a lifetime. Something more sinister than it works makes these people tick.

I've seen this question floating by numerous times and finally think I have a meaningful answer.

So many moms use these manipulative tactics . . . Because they work.

It's really that simple.

It has been just the opposite for me, cmag. The closer my mother gets to death, the less the bad things of the past come to mind. It is like they have faded, so I'm not so sure if things were so bad or not. I figured that I was forgetting and forgiving... either that or my mind was going. It does seem like the memories have gotten lost in the fog of the past. Maybe it is a good place for them. The present has so many challenges that it would be too hard to deal with past issues.

Thanks! I will look that one up and add it to my list. It is easier to write about mothers like this after they are dead. I found that the closer my mother came to death that I remembered many things in details from what I call my forgotten years of childhood and adolescence.

Thanks for your post, cmagnum. I read some of those books. Susan Forward has another book that came out about a year ago: "Mother's Who Can't Love". In an interview, she said it was a book she couldn't write while her mother was still alive.

palmtrees1,

I glad to hear of the insights and freedom that you have gained. There are many still captive by their parent's dark personalities. The power of such darkness with its F.O.G. is exceptionally strong with some.

Take care.

cmagnum, I have read many of these books and,highly recommend them. They opened my eyes and helped me understand everything in life was not my fault but my mother's warped opinion of life.