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I believe it can be any one or a combination of the above. Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children. Sometimes, it stems from fear because of failing physical and/or mental health. Sometimes it's a personality issue. Whatever the reason, the only way out the caregiver has is to not fall victim to the blackmail. Detaching from this type of treatment can be extremely difficult, and sometimes counseling is necessary. However, if the caregiver can't detach to some degree, there's no way to break the cycle. That being said, we are our parents' children and it's difficult to completely detach from the way they treat us.
Take care,
Carol
As I mentioned, there are other reasons, of course. But this is one I've witnessed.
Thanks again for your comment.
Carol
But as I've been told several times now, if you're lucky enough not to know what it's like to have that kind of mother you can't really understand how much power emotional blackmailers can wield. Clearly, it's less painful for the blackmailee to give in to the blackmailer's demands than to tell her where to go, and I suppose it's a lifelong, self-feeding habit. It's also a form of bullying and wants stamping on firmly wherever possible - but that's just my two penn'orth.
i fail to see the difference between mom and the birds game. they both wanted to make old beard clip cuss. they craved it. i spect it was pretty humorous from their perspectives. ( b**ches !! )
It is so stressful and difficult to deal with. I just wanted you to know I truly do know what you are going through and I send you hugs across the miles. Take care.
It was not until she was living in the nursing home where they observed her day to day psychotic behavior and it was then that she was given anti-psychotic medication that truly helped. I noticed much improvement. My prayers were always answered as well. It was never easy, but things would fall into place just when I was at the end of my rope. I never gave up my faith in the Lord.
I do hope and pray you get some answers regarding her mental state and a diagnosis and medication if need be to help correct the problem. You deserve a life and not this torment. Blessings to you.
that statement Carol made is spot on….my own italian american parents split up in the late 60s…that was something not too many did at that time…both entered into other relationships but neither ever married….in my mothers case her boyfriend passed from heart issues when she was 60 after a 12 year relationship….i was 24 at the time…she never thought she could find a man as good as him and never dated again……so that left her free to
live inside my married life which i detested….i never felt like i could live my own adult life…she was always there with her instructions and opinions on what i should do and those instructions were insane…dont let your kids swim in the ocean, they will drown…dont let your kids ride bikes they will crack their skulls...things she never learned to do…thank the lord my father blew these things off or i wouldnt have been able to do them myself…she had nothing else to concern herself with except for her children….now she is 92 and living with me and for all the time i wanted to distance myself from her she is here with me 24/7….my own kids live either 50 miles or states away from me….that does not give me the opportunity to interfere with their lives and i say good… i would hate to repeat the situations i grew up with….they are from their late 20s and early 30s and should and do live their own lives
So there you are living at your parents' house with baby. You return to work. At some point, presumably, you then form another relationship and have another child. Were you still living at your parents' house? I guess not? And what about the baby, the one who is now 8? Did this child live full time with your parents while you got on with work and life and having another child?
Look, if this is roughly the picture, your mother raised your eldest child. And what matters most of all, is that child's welfare. What are your circumstances now? Are you living alone or with a partner? How often do you see your elder child?
An 8 year old is not easily deceived about who its mother is. What does the child call you?
"But mother isn't content with having just one child she wants me and my other child there constantly, tells me she's lonely constant emotional blackmail doesn't really like me spending time with my child my life seems such a mess ….."
It is a mess: one for which you blame your mother wholly and apparently unreasonably. She wants you there all the time? She doesn't want you spending time with your child? I wonder if in fact she does think you should spend more time with both of your children, together. It's you who is very confused about all this. Get a grip. The two people who matter most are your children. BOTH of them.
Bella, this will have sounded harsh and uncaring and I'm sorry for that, I'm saying it not to be unkind but because it seems as if you've forgotten who the vulnerable people are here - the kids. But the important thing is what happens from here: you can't change what has already happened. Chin up, have a good think about things and a good talk with any Significant Other, then take it from there. Best of luck.
Your mother sounds like she is competent and living a rather active life with no medical issues in your profile. Since you have a job, what is keeping you there?
I could not tell exactly if you are still living in your mom's house or that she is living in yours. If you are living in her house, you have yourself in a dependency position that you really need to liberate yourself from.
The longer you stay there the more you enable her clingy/neediness. That is not healthy for either of you.
Now, for my mother the meaning is clear. She started asking me to come home ten years before I did -- she denies this to this day, but it is true. What she wanted was a maid to do the housework. She would tell me that they were probably going to die that year, so I needed to come home to take care of them.
I'm glad I didn't disrupt my life for that drama. I would not have hardly any retirement savings and I would probably be beyond hope. I came home at just the right time, though it was because of my marriage disintegrating.
Now about the thing that it is my job to take care of my parents. My father did not feel that way. He felt it was the wife's job to care for him. My mother feels it is my job to care for her because I am the only daughter.
You know, looking back over the years and the repeated efforts on her part to get me to come home made me realize that the only way to avoid the messages of obligation would have been to cut her totally out of my life. I don't know if the way things have worked out are good or bad. She benefits by getting to stay home. I benefit by not having to pay housing. This stretches my retirement savings, so there is some quid pro quo. The bad thing is the loss of freedom that would be normal for a woman my age.
I hope this made sense. I may not be in the FOG, but somehow I did get the big O. I guess it is like Tom of the Blacklist -- it is our job, no matter how right or wrong.
Her Alzheimer's will reach a point, unless she dies first, where 24/7 care will become impossible for one person to do.
She could live another 20-30 years. Where will that leave you?
You are too young with too much of life ahead of you to just give up at this point in your life! 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for does.
I respect your choice to accept things for what they are, but I wish you would not just give up.
Take care and keep in touch.