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I have a 73 yo sister who has refused to use her dentures daily and now wants implants because she has so much pain when she finally wears them. (implants just the workup is a 100x more painful than the occasional discomfort of wearing her dentures).
There is new evidence regarding dementia onset clues perhaps 10 years prior to the diagnosis -- self care is one like taking showers, wearing dentures, brushing teeth, light exercise and more. Definitely worth a google to find out more.
I agree with the others and was recently told by my doctor that if a person is determined to be cognitively able to make decisions then I need to accept the decision whether it is good, bad or indifferent. One is entitled to make BAD DECISION and no amount of cajoling and pleading will change that BAD DECISION. We need to learn how to accept the BAD DECISION no matter how negative it affects their well being. I'm working on learning how to accept the BAD DECISION BEING MADE but it is very hard -- I've decided to go to a grief group and may try Al-Anon
I don't think it was laziness, I think she just was giving up because her body had enough at the age of 95. I do think there is a time in life when people do just that and you can't do much about it.
1) Physical therapy. It can be started at a later time. If she won't cooperate, again, she won't cooperate. What is the physical therapy for? Walking ? Strength?
2) Teeth Why go through that pain? Suggest brushing with one of those sponge tooth brushes.
Also, have Mom rinse with warm salt water or mouthwash after each meal. It will help.
As children of elderly parents, we can only do so much. It's a difficult situation.
Best wishes.
You should adjust to the reality of her condition and let the SNF staff do what they do.
It's not up to you to make her happy or better. You can't. Don't do yourself in by catering to her wants. Visit as often as is good for you which sounds like a lot less than your are doing now. Your mother is a complainer. That reflects on her, not on you.
My mother was a complainer too. I lived 5 hrs drive away and only visited a few times a year. I kept in touch with the staff so I knew what was going on and that she was well cared for. I did it at a distance and didn't worry about details. She was never happy and often it was "my fault". Whatever. That song gets tiring after a while.
Your first priority is you and your physical and mental health. No one is benefitting by you putting your mother before your own mental health. You are suffering and your husband is suffering. Look after yourself and your marriage. Do not put your mother ahead of you and your husband.
Start making changes today. Visit less often. So what if mother complains. She is going to complain whatever you do or don't do. Don' let her complaining drive your choices. Make your choices in light of what is good for you and your hub and come back and let us know how you are doing.
All the best for a better future.
If you do not have legal authority to make decisions she cannot make, you need to get all this in order.
* It might mean moving her into a facility - or at least start researching options.
* Be sure she has whatever medication she may need (depression?) and a person to help her take it - she may resist as she is doing in other areas.
* Realize - as hard as this is to hear - that you have allowed her to affect you in ways that you feel you've 'almost' had a nervous breakdown. You've waited too long to make needed changes - and/or realize that if she is legally able to make her own decisions, you need to learn to LET GO ... and yes, she may lose her teeth. It happens.
You are hanging on ... emotionally and psychologically draining yourself - you have to learn how to stop this - do what you can and realize you are doing your best and that is all you can do.
* If you family / sibling won't help, they you need to make other arrangements. Get legal needs in order ... Get documentation / a letter from MD indicating that she doesn't have the cognitive abilities to take care of herself ... this is critically important. w/o that letter/document, you will not be able to make necessary decisions.
* See if Adult Protective Services can help / make a visit.
* Find an independent, medical soc worker to support / assist you.
* Contact an attorney that specializes in elder care / trust issues.
* Reach out to local churches for volunteer support.
* Find caregivers / contact volunteer organization and dementia association in her area).
I do not understand if she lives in the area you live in or if you, too, live out of state. If this is the case, it may be time to move her near you (NOT IN YOUR HOME), or get her into a facility (assisted living).
Gena / Touch Matters
Learn to accept that she is allowed to make decisions regardless of the impact on her well-being.
The biggest obstacle in her care, is you caring too much -- I know I've been there and by pushing the envelope to help has caused what she wanted A MAJOR SPLITTING OF THE FAMILY and her enablers.
My brother, sister-in-law, their adult children and I are working to mend the attempt to tear the family apart by our sister's end of life drama -- she could be living a better life but prefers not to listen to doctors and assumes there is a miracle pill or surgery to put her back together again. There isn't!! Accept the Bad/Poor decision making and live your life --
failure to thrive can be divided into nonorganic and organic causes. from Clinic in Geriatric Medicine 8.2024
so I would tend to disagree with your assessment of failure to thrive
She is at the end of her life.
Our society has us think we are supposed to fix all the elder’s problems .
Get more comfortable with Mom’s refusal of care . Let Mom choose to let things go and leave this world on her terms . A lot of old people in nursing homes have no teeth or bridges and refuse to see the dentist . And PT is also frequently refused or not successful at this stage .
Mom isn’t going to get better . Let the facility handle her . You focus on making yourself better .
No one is forcing you to put yourself through this agony you describe in your profile. And stop expecting your sister to help you. She has made her choice and just because you don't like it does not mean it's wrong. Some people are just better at establishing healthy boundaries in dysfunctional families and situations.
I don't think your own life should be thrown on the funeral pyre of your parent, and I doubt she is in safe circumstances now if she lives alone for any periods of time. Once you need assistance with basic hygiene it isn't sustainable for caregivers attempting 24/7 one on one care.
Do understand, when you become a "caregiver" you can no longer be the doting daughter. You move to being the enemy, the one who makes rules she doesn't like. Don't go there. Preserve you health and hers and your relationship by opting now for placement.
Nobody wants to see their mother like this. I didnt when my mother was in Memory Care Assisted Living, that's for sure. I prayed daily for God to take her out of her misery, actually, bc there is no good answer to dementia otherwise. It's not their fault they're sick, and it's not our job to cure them. Its our job to love them and accept they're sick, leaving the rest in God's hands and in the facility's hands.
Visit once a week, bring some goodies and small gifts, and that's it. Don't give up YOUR health for something you cannot fix. That's my suggestion. You can advocate for your mother, as I did for mine, and get hospice involved when the time is right, as I did, but that's it. I made sure mom had antidepressants and Ativan to keep her as calm as possible, and I loved her. She passed at 95. It was a relief, tbh.
Good luck stepping back a bit and caring for YOURSELF.
And please don't tell me that it's because you're trying to receive the love that you never received as a child as that just ain't gonna happen.
I'm sorry that your mom messed you up so bad, and I do hope that you have a good therapist that will help you untangle the hot mess of emotions, and false sense of obligation you feel towards a person who yes gave you birth, but doesn't deserve being in your life.
Your health has suffered enough and it's time you say enough is enough. I hope you will be strong enough to do just that, and make yourself a priority once and for all and get on with living and enjoying your life.
Your marriage and your spouse are the #1 priority. This is what you should feel guilty about, not your Mom. There are other solutions for her basic care... you just need to accept them. Stop acting like you're her only solution. You are not.