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Nobody wants to see their mother like this. I didnt when my mother was in Memory Care Assisted Living, that's for sure. I prayed daily for God to take her out of her misery, actually, bc there is no good answer to dementia otherwise. It's not their fault they're sick, and it's not our job to cure them. Its our job to love them and accept they're sick, leaving the rest in God's hands and in the facility's hands.
Visit once a week, bring some goodies and small gifts, and that's it. Don't give up YOUR health for something you cannot fix. That's my suggestion. You can advocate for your mother, as I did for mine, and get hospice involved when the time is right, as I did, but that's it. I made sure mom had antidepressants and Ativan to keep her as calm as possible, and I loved her. She passed at 95. It was a relief, tbh.
Good luck stepping back a bit and caring for YOURSELF.
Your marriage and your spouse are the #1 priority. This is what you should feel guilty about, not your Mom. There are other solutions for her basic care... you just need to accept them. Stop acting like you're her only solution. You are not.
No one is forcing you to put yourself through this agony you describe in your profile. And stop expecting your sister to help you. She has made her choice and just because you don't like it does not mean it's wrong. Some people are just better at establishing healthy boundaries in dysfunctional families and situations.
Our society has us think we are supposed to fix all the elder’s problems .
Get more comfortable with Mom’s refusal of care . Let Mom choose to let things go and leave this world on her terms . A lot of old people in nursing homes have no teeth or bridges and refuse to see the dentist . And PT is also frequently refused or not successful at this stage .
Mom isn’t going to get better . Let the facility handle her . You focus on making yourself better .
You should adjust to the reality of her condition and let the SNF staff do what they do.
It's not up to you to make her happy or better. You can't. Don't do yourself in by catering to her wants. Visit as often as is good for you which sounds like a lot less than your are doing now. Your mother is a complainer. That reflects on her, not on you.
My mother was a complainer too. I lived 5 hrs drive away and only visited a few times a year. I kept in touch with the staff so I knew what was going on and that she was well cared for. I did it at a distance and didn't worry about details. She was never happy and often it was "my fault". Whatever. That song gets tiring after a while.
Your first priority is you and your physical and mental health. No one is benefitting by you putting your mother before your own mental health. You are suffering and your husband is suffering. Look after yourself and your marriage. Do not put your mother ahead of you and your husband.
Start making changes today. Visit less often. So what if mother complains. She is going to complain whatever you do or don't do. Don' let her complaining drive your choices. Make your choices in light of what is good for you and your hub and come back and let us know how you are doing.
All the best for a better future.
I don't think it was laziness, I think she just was giving up because her body had enough at the age of 95. I do think there is a time in life when people do just that and you can't do much about it.
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