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I would think very hard about moving mom into your house. That can be very difficult. With dementia her care is only going to get more difficult.
And finally, I don't understand what you are upset about. This is a great forum and you will get good advice. You don't have to accept it but people will offer their thoughts.
When dementia struck my cousin, I had to return her beloved cat to the rescue where she had adopted the cat from. Luckily, they are a no-kill rescue and their pets are never put down unless it's medically necessary. Did she get the dog from a place like that? If so, many of them have contracts that bind you to return the animal if you can't keep them for any reason.
My cousin overfed her cat and also acted so obsessed with cat, following it around, that it stressed the cat out. The cat was no longer happy around her and had started spraying and going out of its litter box. It hurt her, but she has forgotten about the cat due to her dementia.
These people typically love animals. It isn't a high paying sideline.
You could try to find someone who can come in to feed the dog, under some acceptable guise such as you want to help her out with dog care, the person is studying to be a vet, or a younger person might be working on an animal care badge for a scouting group.
You might try to tell her that this person needs to assume a high level of care for an animal in order to meet his/her long term educational standards, or to get the badge....the question is whether or not your mother would remember.
I'm wondering also about her diet; is she eating high fat, high sugar foods? Is it possible that you could change her diet to make it more healthful so that scraps aren't as harmful to the dog, as well as provide a menu that she can consult to feed the dog - make it a ritual... every day she can look at the menu to decide which of several items (preferably canned dog food) to feed the dog.
Another option is to make your own dog food; some organic gardeners I know do this, and it's a lot healthier than the canned food. You could package it in jars with pretty ribbons and label it as dog food. Maybe she can adapt to this thinking it's a special treat for the dog.
My Mom is a bit of a narcissist and very controlling. She does not take my suggestions very often if at all. Now, with her increasing dementia I don't know what to expect.
My husband and I took her car away nine months ago because of her multiple accidents and concern for her safety and especially the safety of others. It was not taken lightly by my mother.
I finally used my POA to get her mail forwarded to my house. For the past several years she has been sending money or checks overseas entering contests to win thousands of dollars. I kept reminding her of scams and stealing of identities but to no avail. I haven't yet told her that her mail has been forwarded to my address for fear of her rage and anger.
I am fortunate to have a loving husband who supports me in my efforts. Thank you all for reading.
I can't be there to monitor when she feeds Sammy, which is throughout the day and not just at meal times. Her dog is having an ultrasound on Jan.19th and hoping for additional answers and suggestions from the vet. I just have to tell myself I am doing the best I can and hopefully I am doing the right things.
I'm going to reveal a little secret to you:
My surrogate dad developed dementia but he really likes cats. However, he knew not to take on pets. Though he enjoyed watching cats run around his neighborhood, he knew his limits because he knew he could not properly provide for a cat. There was a short time when we both took care of a cat that strayed into his building. The only reason why he took care of the cat and kept it at his apartment is because I was around to help him oversee it. He regularly fed and watered the cat. He got to know the cat's daily habits and when the cat would need to go out. The cat really enjoyed staying with dad for the time it lasted. The cat paddle way of being a blessing to us both. However, one morning the cat went out at the usual time and never came back. The cat usually came back at a certain time each day. However, we were both puzzled by the cat not coming back after staying with us for quite a while. I think this among other contributors had something to do with dad's decline. We saw a cat similar to ours appear in the local newspaper. The cat was at the shelter and I gave the shelter a call to let them know that it's possible this cat may have been stolen by the slumlord my dad was renting from, because dad specified that as soon as the slumlord came around, the cat vanished. The cat we think the cat that vanished from us was male, (but the one in the paper happened to be female). We never found out whatever happened to the cat, and the slumlord was very distant afterword. Though dad eventually got so bad he could no longer live alone, I'm sure that somewhere in his mind he will somehow remember our cat though he's no longer able to take care of an animal.
I hope that in your case, you will be able to find someone to take over the dog's care on behalf of your mom and still let her see the dog. I think at this point, taking the dog is the only thing that's going to save his or her life. Think of this situation as being similar to putting something into a trust. Yes, I'm thinking of electing a trustee to take over the care of the dog but see to it it your mom gets visitation, because it's still her dog though someone has taken over the care of that dog. I think what you may want to do is to start setting with your mom until she falls asleep for starters. Then, when she's finally sound asleep, that's when you can quietly slip the dog out of her house and to the house of the elected trustee. Just make sure the dog is not sleeping in the bed with her and preferably not in the same room. That way, it will be much easier to slip the dog out and into the safe keeping of the elected trustee. If the dog will readily come to you and go for a walk with you, that would be how to get the dog out of the house if the dog actually trusts you. If you can accomplish taking the dog for a walk, have another family member or even a friend meet you around the corner where your mom cannot see what's going on. In the days of cell phones, you can actually call the person with the awaiting car to come around the block and pick you up with the dog when you reach your destination.
Your next move is how to deal with your mom when she discovers the dog missing. This is where it's going to be up to you to know how to get through to her and that the dog is OK. Again, this will be up to you since you know her and you know how to reach her in ways that no one else can. One thing you would need to do is to reassure her that she will see your dog again but for his or her own good, whoever the elected trustee is had to take emergency custody of the dog to save it's life. Remind her that you know how much she really loves this dog, and remind her that if she really loves this dog that much, she will agree to allowing what's best for the dog, which is allowing a trustee to intervene on the dogs behalf.
* Remind her that this will actually save the dog's life
Somehow someone definitely needs to make some kind of agreement and arrangement that can be supervised to make sure that any agreement is upheld by whoever is trusted to the dog's care and visitations to the rightful owner.
You wouldn't let an old war vet with ptsd have a hand grenade so letting someone who doesn't have the reasoning skills to care for themselves own a pet is probably not a good idea. Its sad but if you really are worried about this animal you will have to take it somewhere where it can be looked after properly.
I will be an advocate for the dog and will step in if I have to, and I pray that I don't. Of course I realize how much she loves him and yes, the dog is probably the most important thing in her life right now but I will do what is humanely necessary if I have to. Thanks for all the comments and advice, I appreciate it very much.
That's very good news! I'm glad I was able to help, and I'd be very interested to see an update from you on how it went at the vet and what your secret was on how you stopped your mom from feeding Sammy all of the wrong foods that made him sick. I understand she really loves that dog, I really do! In fact, if you've ever heard of the term, "killing with kindness", this incident seems to be what you're describing, though your mom may not realize it.
As for whether or not someone actually fakes periods of dementia, I seriously doubt it if a person really has it. My surrogate dad had it though I didn't know what for a long time and I didn't know how to spot it until things became too obvious. What would happen with dad is that he would be pretty much normal during the day, but I'm not sure what hours were his normal ones. However, what would happen is that sometime in the mid to late afternoon he would start drifting away from being normal and he would just start showing signs of abnormality toward evening. As the night went on, it seems like he was a whole different person than he was during the day when he seemed pretty much normal. If anything sounds familiar, this may very well be what's called sundowning, because from my experience with dad, he was a whole different person at night then he was during the day. I don't think your mom would be faking dementia if she really has it, but if she seems normal during the day but she's a different person at night, this is a sure sign of possible sundowning. If anything at all sounds familiar, there's your answer.
Yes, I know my Mom could not live without Sammy. He is her whole world. Especially when there is not a whole lot left at her age. The loss of health, spouse and friends sure takes its tole.
She was already falling apart this morning while he was gone having his test. So I would not be able to separate him from her. Hopefully, since she is sticking to his strict bland diet he will get better.
So hope and pray the ultrasound does not reveal cancer although his blood work does not indicate that.
Thanks again!
In our case, I am going to lock the refrig at night and have bought him a tiny model just for himself ($35 online). I will stock it with a few snacks, but no killer things (anything with fat). I have no idea how the lock is going to be received. we talk and agree...but he will not remember any agreements made an hour later.