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Educate yourself about dementia and you will understand more about your husbands stress while being away from him .
I know it is hard on you too. But Alz/dementia is one ugly disease and is very time consuming for the caregiver.
Can he be moved to a facility closer to you and your husband? Can your husband hire someone to be there with him? Try talking with your husband about more workable options. But amy, your husband is watching the dad he knew become someone he does not recognize. Please join us on this sight and keep posting. You do not have to be a caregiver to seek help with understanding the disease. Let us know what happens I wish you luck and good communication with your husband... hugs
It takes time away from your relationship (at a critical time early in your marriage) But then as well as he cares for his parent, is how he will probably care for you should you get sick.
Can you go with him? He probably needs your help and support more than ever!
And don't shame yourself for feeling what you do. Feelings are not right or wrong, it's what we do with those feelings that matter. Give yourself some credit for reaching out for help. You have more options now so that in itself is a sress relief.
Good luck
Bless you and your family.
Once you have had time to think some things over, maybe you can come up with some ways to take the load off him and when he is home with you, then ya'll can spend more time together... He will deeply appreciate it, be able to relax more and not feel so torn between you and his dad.
Take some time to think about what you want to say to him. Let him know you are there for HIM so ya'll can have more time together. And don't say "these old ladies on this sight said....." make it sound like you have been thinking of ways to help him.
And if he turns out to be a turd, let us know... we'll talk to him... lol Caregiving takes its toll on tried an true marriages.. It is just the way it's going to be. You can't change him sweetie, and hopefully becoming more involved will help both of you.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful loving man, and you sound like a wonderful loving woman....ya'll will work together and this will be a blessed marriage.
Post about anything you need help with, understanding the disease, how siblings are worthless, and what to do when your husband and you are stressed. This is the place... You can go to the "grossed out" thread and read a lot of things that may help you. We have a lot of fun on that thread, and you become like family... and you are not alone..... hugs across the miles..
I constantly feel guilty that I am driving my hub crazy as I vascilate between decisions, take our vacation to do things for Mom, and fill in for an "absentee" sib. It borders on obsessive at times. I fear that one day he will run out of patience - but he never does. And I appreciate it immensely.
Did it occur to you that your hub feels that way about you? Someday this will all be over and I guarantee that you two will feel that you did the right thing. Does knowing that make things easier now? Not so much. But doing the humane thing is its own reward.
This does not mean that you need to always put the needs of his dad before your marriage...in fact, I would not recommend it. Boundaries need to be agreed upon. Dad needs to be moved closer. His care needs to be handed over to the professionals who will keep him safe and give you guys a break.
Good luck to you two...just keep the lines of communication open.
My situation is this -- If I continue to take care of Mom, then I'm a "momma's boy" of a loser with no income -- However, if I leave and go get a job, and a life, then I'm an ungrateful low-life jerk! Because, after all, what kind of man walks out on his helpless, 82-year old mother?
It's almost a double standard.
Does your mother qualify for medicaid? I remember reading how difficult your mother is on another thread, but their must be some other options because to be without a job at almost 50 predicts a very poor retirement. However, I don't think what you are doing makes you a "momma's boy" and a loser. From your description of her, she is blessed that you are even trying to help her.
Can't have him all to yourself for 1/2 hour; can't hold him long enough; and he parts with you all the time to take care of Dad. Your Shadow Husband needs to review his list of priorities, but won't as long as you sit by the phone and flutter about the house waiting and wondering when he's coming home.
Make other plans baby, and let him wonder about your world just as he did before exchanging vows. Whatever you did to get him is what you have to keep doing to keep him around, so make the natural hunter in him chase you all over again ... and then catch him.
Buena suerte.
-- ED
There's too many buzzards hanging around Mom who would love to get me out of the picture, then get their hooks into her affairs and bleed her dry.
I don't consider myself a loser or a mama's boy, however the *appearance* is there ---
And I know it is an instant turn-off for most women (and even some employers!), especially if they don't know me well.
If the market continues like it has been basically going up by very small steps, we are are far more diversified that before with the very real potential of being able to create enough each year from the investments to pay what she will need per year if she is still alive for one never knows.
Take care.
If I wasn't here doing what I'm doing, they'd have her doped up, signing POA's and applying for credit cards in her name!
And this is something else for you to think about, amyjoydon. It's a deal where if you want your loved one cared for the right way, you often have to do it yourself!
as for getting oil in the car , its easy , drive up to walmart and tell em what needs done and go shop at walmart and come back out ur car is ready , easy , better now than no car cuz it blew up cuz no oil .
hank . ure a sweet heart . :-)