Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

Hi Kinnella, I do know what you are going through, although my husband isn't going anywhere he does want Mom somewhere else by this fall. (his mother moved to a senior community this spring) I talked to my siblings about it and we looked at assisted living. We found a very nice place, took Mom for a visit, but when we talked to Mom about living there she cried...said we were trying to get rid of her.. asked my other sibs if she could live with them....it was horrible. One of my sisters who is unemployed and in poor health decided Mom could come live with her. I told my sister if it gets to be too much she needs to say so, I feel bad about the whole situation. It's stressful taking care of a parent and it's especially hard to be caught in the middle.

I would would suggest you look at your life and decide what your priorities are. Mine is my husband and our children, our physical, mental and financial well being. Then comes our Mothers and their needs...

Would your brother be able to take your Mom for a while, maybe with some home health care or hospice.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, dealing with my husbands stress and frustrations was much harder than caring for Mom, but then we'd had no problems before Mom moved in with us. I am also sure our Mothers would not want to cause an estrangement in our marriage.

You aren't alone but there is no easy answer that I know of. Wish you the best.

"The fixer" summed it up perfectly as I am in a very similar situation except the other way around. We live with my Mom at her request since I lost my Dad 5 years ago. In the beginning it was rough, then we all got on a routine and now its not so good as my Mom wants all my time. My husband told me that I need to spend more time with him or he may leave.. my brother refuses to help and if he does its at his convenience.. my mother will not join a senior center to make friends to its up to me to entertain her all the time so I know what you are going thru. I wish I had some better advice however the priorities need to be YOUR family first, then your Mom. Guilt is a HUGE player in this game and don't let it win.. you have to be strong and make decisions that will benefit you or you will lose your life. Find out why your husband feels this way and try and talk it out.. then u need to communicate this with your Mom and find a happy medium. Good Luck and wish you the best.. everyday for me is a challenge and sometimes and unsuccessful balancing act.

Hi Kinnella-Caregiving is difficult enough without the extra added stress of having to make such a crucial decision....I do hope he following will be of some help to you:
Welcome to our caregivers world! You are not alone here. I would say it is time to get your family members involved! They need to step up to the plate and give you a break! That is just not fair to you. I would also suggest that you call in for home health care, or hospice. You definitely need help. I was a caregiver for my Mom . She has now passed . Speak up and get yourself some help! Try your hospital, local cancer center, local place of worshiph. Keep us posted.
Best to you-and all that is involved~
Hap

In our situation, we had no choice but to bring my mom to our house. She had no money yet she has a house but it is her parent's home (in an estate). My brother was not caring for her at her home as we thought and she got really ill. She ended up weeks later in a skilled nursing facility, as a rehab after a hospital visit, and loved it more than I would have ever thought. She loved the "country-style" food, which I don't make, the bingo ( and other activities), and how sweet everyone was to her, plus, they all thought she was sweet, which that "cute" little way about her (rebelliousness) is not so cute when you are her daughter and granddaughters. She also had physical therapy and occupational therapy which helped her to be more independent when she came back. So I have changed my opinions about nursing homes, assisted living, maybe some of them aren't so terrible. I think you have to be careful and visit...and really investigate what's going on, but most of the caregivers I have met want to treat people the way they would want to be treated. Look for places where people you know (or know of) work. I think you might have to visit them often and long enough at a time to really see if there are any unusual changes in behavior (uti's in elderly women are common for worsening dementia (Alheizmer's) and sometimes that is the only "symptom" so you have to be around a bit to be able to tell if it is worsening. And maybe you could just do it occasionally to give yourself a break (called respite care). I think back about what my mother would have wanted if I had asked her years before instead of what she is saying right now when she is maybe afraid and clingy. Years ago she would have not wanted to be an imposition to me or our family...she doesn't like it now either but sometimes they are afraid what will happen and maybe that you'll abandon them and they just need to see it will be okay. But I do believe you should care for her and yet not neglect your family, just draw your boundaries (read the book by Cloud and Townsend...Boundaries), and make your priorities, which are very hard to do if you are busy with the mundane, everyday tasks and can't get away and have a clear mind. Start with a week of respite care...sometimes Medicare will pay for it I think to give the caregiver a break...I think I heard 5 days at a time...it is worth it to us to pay the extra day or two and she is looking forward to going again while we go out of town to see a brand new grandbaby. Always, pray about it.

I am sorry to read this, what it it were your husband, child, or his parents, would he say the same? He should be so proud of you, not making you draw the line between them. I know my husband and children are very proud of me, even thou it takes a toll on the entire family. Daycare, sitters, etc, what else can you do. If she can acclimate to another place, great, but if not, your hands are tied and its not fair. I am so sorry to read this. Hugs to you.

Sorry to hear about your situation, but here is my 2 cents. I have always felt that when you marry, your first responsibilty is to your spouse and children. That being said, I split with my GF 10 years ago (I am 51, not married, we were together for 7 years) because of my choice to ensure my mother's safety, well being and dignity during her journey with Alzheimer's disease. Caregiving is time consuming, stressful and usually thankless.
Yours is a very personal decision. There are many variables, the strength of your relationship with your husband, non adult children and your mother's health to name a few. Meditate, pray and go with what your heart and brain can agree on. Good luck, I wish you well.

Kinnella, I am wondering how long your mother has been with you and WHY she is with you. Can she or the family afford for her to live elsewhere? I also wonder how good your relationship with your husband was BEFORE your mother moved in. I hope your husband isn't just using your mother as an excuse to leave you; this would make his leaving all YOUR fault (according to him) if you choose to continue to keep your mother in your house. Is your husband the jealous type that doesn't like you giving attention to anyone else or is your mother taking an inordinate amount of your time and attention and leaving you little for you and your relationship with your husband? If your relationship with your husband has changed for the worse since your mother moved in, and he is threatening to leave if your mother isn't moved out, then you have to decide what is best for YOU. Which choice will you regret the most? Your mother WILL survive in a good care facility but if your husband leaves, your marriage probably won't survive. As someone else advised - don't let feelings of guilt control your decision. When you married your husband, you probably said in the vows that you would cleave only onto him. If you regret that vow now then you know that probably down deep you want to choose your mother over your husband. But remember that after your mom has passed on and left you alone, life will continue on for you. Do you want to spend it without your husband? Have you had a good marriage up to the point where your mother moved in? Has it been a good life? So many caregivers come to the place where they face the question "Do I have to give up my life to care for my aging parent?" I believe the answer is "No ' - I don't believe anyone owes a parent their life. As adult children, we should look after our parents the best way we can taking into consideration how this affects others in the immediate family. Your mother is ONE person and HER needs are no more important than yours or your husband's. A balance must be struck: may you find the balance. Good luck and best wishes. Please keep all of us posted as to how you are doing. lcs

Luvmom: thank you for your response. Although I don't mean to offend anyone, I have to agree COMPLETELY with Luvmom when she stated, if it were HIS mother would he say the same thing?

I can't imagine putting my mother in last place in my life. Were it not for her, I would not have MY life, and although there were many trying times with my mother here, since she has passed I haven't felt any guilt for what I 'should have done', because I know we did all we could for her.

My husband was my biggest helper, and without him I would never have been able to help Mom as much as we did. I would do the same (have already) for his mother should the need be there. I found that you can tell how a man will treat you by how they treat their mother, and I think the same is true for us. As a woman, I would try to explain to this husband that your mother is very important to you, and his demand is not possible, BUT that together you both could look into getting some help for Mom and your family from other resources.

If there are other family members that are not helping, have a family meeting WITH your husband so he can explain the drain on your family. Get outside help from the elder affairs services in your area for respite and help.

I am not saying that anyone should 'ignore' their family over their mothers needs, but I could sit here and think of thousands of times my mother gave up something to help me and my siblings. Helping her was my pleasure, even when it very difficult.

I wonder how many of these aging parents would've given up their spouses were they in the same position. When you get married, your first priority is that marriage. As long as a parent isn't starving, or living on the street they are no longer FIRST. When a parent finally dies, do you want to be left alone in an empty house because you drove your spouse away? And heck yes, if it were the other way around and I told my husband that it was either his mother or me, I would fully expect him to choose his wife, as he would expect that from me. Doesn't mean I love my mom and dad any less either.

Oh what a terrible situation to be in.......having to choose between your mother ( what is her age), and your husband. ( no need to know his age).
If at all possible, try to find a skilled nursing facility or an independent living facility for your mother. You can then see how your husband reacts after she leaves. If his attitude is still critical, then you can make a decision after that. No nursing home, independent living or assisted living facility is PERMANANT. Play it by ear. If your marriage is important to you, try it this way first. GOOD LUCK>

Hello again Kinnella

Thank you for telling me more about your situation. I have learned from you that after your father died 6 years ago, because your mother could not keep things up, she sold her house, you and your husband sold your house and with the money you bought a larger house in which the three of you could live. Your husband now says that it is always 2 against 1 in the house (you and your mom against him) and he cannot live in his house this way anymore. First of all, even if the larger house has been put in his (and your?) name and your mom's name is not included, morally the house is still partly hers so he can't really claim the house as totally his. But secondly ( and more importantly I think) , I am wondering if it is TRUE that it is always (or often) 2 against 1 and he is always odd man out?? If so, no wonder he doesn't like the situation!!! Suppose how you would feel Kinnella, if your husband and his dad (or his buddy) always "ganged up" on you. But hopefully, you and your mother are not "ganging up" on him; however since you were raised by your mother, you may see things more her way than you realize. You told me you had a good marriage before the three of you started to share the same house so definitely some changes are in order now since your husband is no longer happy with the arrangement. Can your husband explain to you AND YOUR MOTHER what it is that is bugging him? Can he give concrete examples so that you and your mother might be able to make some changes? Perhaps with some good discussions amongst the three of you, you will all be able to continue to live together in one house.

Kinnella, you said that your mother doesn't cook, she is like a little bird now and moving her out would be the downfall of her. Please explain what is wrong with your mother and also tell us how old she is. If she is ill rather than just elderly, how much of your day's time does she require? Whether your mom is just elderly or elderly and ill, there are facilities available where she could receive excellent care if the three of you can no longer live under one roof.

You also told me that your husband has diabetes and has had this disease for over 40 years. Perhaps your husband's condition is worsening now and he doesn't have the stamina or patience needed to live with both you and your mom. Maybe he doesn't want another "needy" person in the house or perhaps he sees too much of your mom in you and he doesn't like that. I think you need to learn why your husband has delivered this ultimatum and then, maybe , some changes can be made that do not require your mom or your husband having to move out.

You say that if you are forced to move your mom out, you will lose her. I truly don't see how you would "lose" her (unless, as you say, the move would kill her). I think you need to ask a doctor if such a move will more than likely kill her. If your mom is not terribly ill, you may be surprised to learn that she is more resilient than you suspected. Once she adjusts to new surroundings, she could be just as happy in them as in the house where your husband doesn't want her around anymore. You will be able to visit her, do things with her and be her daughter instead of the caregiver. And you will still have a husband. Life might be better for all three of you.

Of course, if your mother is moved/does move out, there is the problem of the house. It is not just yours and your husband's so, unless you can buy out her share of it, the house may have to be sold and the money shared fairly. If your mom put in 1/3, then of course, she is entitled to 1/3 of the proceeds, be they more or less than what was paid for the house. If you want to keep the house but can't pay her back the 1/3 then maybe you will qualify for a mortgage but you would have to decide if the house is worth having a mortgage. In the end you might be happier in a different house anyway where you wouldn't have constant reminders of the recent past.

I hope you can come to some resolution soon as you cannot go on without eating. Please talk to your mother's doctor about the situation and if you and your husband have mutual friends who will be able to understand both your position and your husband's position, talk to them too. You haven't mentioned that you have children but if you do, tell them about the problem that arisen. I have found that my adult children are very good at listening and sorting out problems.

I hope you don't have to choose between your husband and your mother. I do NOT believe you "owe"your mother because she gave you life (I do not know that you believe this either). We all know that life is explained very simply - there's "the act" and the result of the act is often life. As for sacrifices that a mother makes, they are what is required of any adult who becomes a parent. No child asks to be born into the world - a man and a woman (and perhaps God?) make the decision and from there on, the parents have to live up to their responsibilities. Personally, I do not believe my adult children owe me anything now or later on because I am their "mother". I would like to think they come around instead because they like me and they want to be my friend. I want them to act out of love - not out of a sense of "owing me". I did not and do not keep a tally sheet regarding what I am owed. It would come to ZERO anyway!! :-)

Best wishes, Kinnella. I hope you and your husband and mother can have a good discussion TOGETHER and a satisfactory resolution to the problem for all concerned can be made. Please keep all of us posted as to how things are going. And now, go get something to eat!!! :-) lcs

HI Kinnella ~
What a pretty name.
My husband did leave. Years ago.

Dad wasn't living here, in senior apartments a mile away. But Dad was needing me ALL the time after losing my mother. Calls during the night, trips to the ER. Couldn't work his coffee maker, anything to feel attached to his ladies.
Dutiful daughter always responded.

Darling husband found a new life & new wife. Making payments on all his Man toys & fancy new home.

Not your situation (but it's nice to vent)
There have been many thoughtful comments here.

The one thing I used to tell the ex when I came home from another "Dad" episode, was:
"Look in the mirror, frustrated husband. Look deeply into your eyes."

Didn't help his need to escape. His direction was Image before Ethics. At least I'm not paying $850 a month for a sports car that sits in a garage except on weekends when he'd atke it & vanish.

OK .... more venting.

Your situation is very different. Do you guys work? Do you have any escape or areyou caring for parent 24/7. Are there kids involved?

Dad did very well in the nearby senior apt. but still had me on his leash. Is that an option for you? It gave Dad independence (sometimes) but if those homes are far from you, 5 miles+, it might be a hassle.

Adult Family Home?
Where are you? Are there resources nearby?
I hope it doesn't come down to him or her.

Stay with us, girlfriend!

I am deeply sorry to hear you have such a burden hanging over you, that is truly unfair for everyone concerned. No one can make your decision for you, and it looks like a lose lose either way you go. It is so unfair when people place loved ones in a bind like this, your mothers needs versus your husbands demands. We all have our limits of what we will and will not tolerate, maybe your husband has reached his. Luvmom asked if it would be the same if it was his parents? Is he totally insensitive to the situation and the terrible position you are in? Can he not hear you when you discuss the issues involved, is there a half way option not an out and out all or nothing "choice" here? You have to decide what YOU can and cannot tolerate as well. I sympathize with you and am glad I don't have the control here, these decisions are not mine to make...I am just the help really. I personally think he is being unfair. I hope you can get something resolved here that doesn't make you feel you are abandoning your mother or being inconsiderate to your spouse.

Kinnella, could you give us some more information? I am wondering if there was anything in particular that was beginning to grate on your husband's nerves. And if there is something that could be helped by hiring some help to come into the home to help in this area. And what finances will permit for you. Because I saw on your profile that your mother has cancer and apparently she is not taking treatment. Does this qualify her for hospice? If so, then hospice professionals would be a big help to you, and would lessen the burden that your husband and you feel. It sounds like a cry for help from your husband, like he is at the end of his rope.

naheaton,

I could not have said this better myself! I would only add that I am angered but not surprised to hear so many wives who are willing or think it is ok to sacrifice their marriage for their mothers. It shows either how shallow they took their vows or how unmarried they have been because they never left home to begin with and formed a more intamate bond with their husband which is not possible because of still beiing emotionally 'mommy's little girl' Wives often have this same problem with their husbands who are still emotioally 'mommy's little boy or worse mommy's little man. I've read the testimony of many wives on this site who deeply repent of sacrificing their marriages on the altar of their mother empowered very often by F.O.G., i.e. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

kinnella,

Be glad your husband actually stated his feelings to you. I gather he has either hinted in this direction for some time or has just let it build up to a boilng point. Either way, from my perspective as a man who has seen this in my own marriage, he most likely feels that you are more married to your mother than to him. He might not use those words, but he is feeling some emotional estrangement from you AND many such husband would just walk out the door but never say why. Sorry folks, but in my opinion this situation constitutes emotional unfaithfulness. In other words from a man's perspective is feels just like his wife is having an affiar either with another woman which I've known of 2 cases of personally or with another man which I've known far more cases of personally.

How would your husband feel right now if it were he that needed the care and you just walked out on him? He needs a reality check. Anyone who gives you ultimatums of this magnitude may not be worth keeping....just sayin'
Lilli

I can sympathize . I am the one in my house who said NO MORE with my mom after watching the terrible toll it was taking on my whole family and how we just couldn't give her the care she needs. Let me say this though, in your case I would move mom and then get counseling with your husband. It sounds like you are both at the breaking point and I'd hate to see your relationship fall apart over this.There are probably other issues too if you have been married for awhile( or even if you haven't). It is tough to build and keep a strong, loving ,dedicated relationship. My husband and I will have been together 30 years next month and I'm not sure how we've done it !

My prayers are with you,
Kim(caremom1)

Lilliput: There are many sides to this sad story. A decision or choice can only be made by those involved. I personally would hesitate to dump my husband if my mother was difficult to care for. Much of the decision depends on HOW OLD THE MOTHER IS NOW> other considerations are : the house, the children, the geography, the finances, the availability of caregivers, and last buy not least, the health of the two parents who must make this decision.

Lack of privacy. I grew up with my grandmother living in our house. It was horrible. My parents (who are now complete train wrecks) never had the chance to live alone until they were 70. My mother's mother verbally abused her and she in turn abused my father, me and my siblings. Some living arrangements are just not healthy for all involved. You and your husband have every right to PRIVACY and your husband my feel it is impossible to have a "relationship" with you with your mother in the house. Go to counseling together, find a place for your mother and live YOUR life. Being the good daughter sometimes can wreck your life. Be good to yourself and your husband. I would never have either of my parents live with me ever!! After 40 years of trying to "care" (really being manipulated) I stood my ground, offered nursing care and now I have been disowned. I hope that does not happen to you when you make your decision. I think I have become very bitter about caretaking......

Lilliput,

An equivalent question would be if kinnella's MIL was living in their house and she felt like she could not take it anymore because he was neglecting her for his mother and no longer felt like she was really his wife, wouldn't she be justified in giving the same type of ultimatum?

The deeper issue here is about boundaries which change or should change after you get married. Ya not ya mama's little girl or little boy anymore!

kinnella, that sure is a tough situation to be in. I'm sorry your husband's delivery of an ultimatum has added to your stress. On the one hand, I agree with those who have said that vows of marriage trump, or, should trump all else. Marriage partners should stand united through thick and thin including parents and in-laws long-term care decisions.

That said, I have a hard time accepting that a win-lose proposition such as your husband has demanded of you comes from a place of being supportive of one's spouse. I do understand if he is clear that it is not working out as he has already told you. That happens. What is hard is for a spouse to place his marriage partner between a rock and a hard place with no further support or effort to help you sort through where and how you want to go with this situation. He is your husband and your marriage has a place of priority in your life, and your parent will always be the one who gave you birth and to whom you have some degree of emotional relationship.
Think about your feelings within your marriage. Only you know whether the demand was unreasonable or not. A rigid ultimatum from a spouse is stress-inducing. I'm with Daniel Romero's reply. Is your husband otherwise someone who communicates and thinks all-or-nothing every time life throws a curve ball into his life?
Ultimatums like you described might signal an imbalance in how the couple makes decisions and communicate with each other even after you move your Mom out to meet the heavy-handed demand. When life becomes stressful for both of you on something else, will your spouse think that all or nothing ultimatums are the way to force you into making other decisions before you figure out how you may want to proceed? In addition to thinking about your Mom’s needs and your husband’s demands during a difficult period in your life, take some time to think about yourself – how you feel, what you want, what sort of support you need from your husband, whether you have ever told him that, what’s working or not in your life right now, and more. Doesn’t sound like anyone else is thinking about you in the story you have shared, so be sure to put yourself first. God bless your sister who took your Mom in when her own health is not the best. Wishing you the very best outcomes for you and your Mom and husband.

You only have one Mother. Husbands and Wives come and go. If your Mother has no place else to go where she can be cared for as well or better than you are caring for her...then I'd tell him to do what he has to do.

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

I know NONE of this is easy, believe me I know, I lived it and I am not living with the decisions I made.

I am not a 'momma's girl' but I do know the three R's"

RESPECT
RESPONSIBILITY
REPERCUSSION

Each situation is different, each person is different, but one thing is common, we will face situations that require us to make very difficult decisions, and all we can offer honestly is OUR experiences.

"In sickness and in health" shouldn't just refer to our OWN health. Humans should help one another, family should stick together, but we all know that is not always the case.

Kinella is facing some very hard decisions here, and since none of us can be there in person to actually help her, perhaps getting someone involved that can be impartial will help. Kinella, my heart goes out to you. Talk to your husband, make decisions together if you can, and get some outside help for your mother and your relationship.

Ultimatums just put a negative wedge between marriage partners. Kinella's husband knows first hand how hard it is dealing with caring for a senior. She is doing her best. Anyone who loves their spouse would never say, "it's me or your Mom." This is a terrible place to be in, and Crow, no, I do not think an ultimatum is justified for either spouse. Wouldn't a compromise be a more adult and humane idea? Or hub could offer more constructive solutions.....so many ways to go before "checking out."
Again, if K.'s hub was ailing you bet he would want her to be there helping him recover. I believe in protecting the sanctity of marriage but I also take for "better or worse" seriously...sounds like K's hub has not.

Lilliput is wise.

Liam is not wise.

Lilliput, your reply says it all. I couldn't agree with you more! Selfish is the word that comes to mind when I hear an all-or-nothing demand coming from someone.

eeek! I am so sorry ....... i dont know what i would do.....me and my husband have always been homebodies- no company just me and him staying home on the weekends for the last 28 years.... my son lived with us for a year after he moved out - with his wife and newborn baby Then he moved out on a sat. and we moved my mom in on sunday - no empty nest. . but now he says hes going crazy and needs to get out- i told him we can just have to let my kids know and they will watch my mom for us- but we dont like the heat so we just stay home- anyways wow! what would i do? if he wanted to leave- ummmm, well he will do fine without me if he wants to go and leave me in my time of need which is to take care of my mom than so be it-its for good times and bad.

Please, let's not judge one another and say one person is wise and one is not. Kinnella asked for help and comments and each person who responds is offering that from his/her point of view. One may disagree with the point of view but please let's not label views as wise or unwise. It is hurtful to do so.

Strong black or white statements in a marriage don't just usually just happen. There normally is a lot of history behind it. That's what needs dealing with more than taking sides.

From my own experience, I will share that I spent years being very patient (10 years) with how overly attached my wife was to her mother which got worse after both children were born and I got left holding the bag feeling like a single parent. I saw both what this was doing to my marriage and to our children who were growing up with a mom who was not really present at home although we all lived in the same house. In therapy, learned that I was being too nice and for the sake of my own sanity, our boys' well being and our marriage that I needed some boundaries which my wife with her then diagnosed 'issues' could either live with or not live with but we were not going to drown. In the process, we learned that her mother had programmed her to view herself as her mother's mom and when asked about her role as a mom all she could talk about was her mom. We ended up talking about boundaries in therapy and we agreed to some new boundaries in our life which she soon broke. The consequence for that my therapist and her therapist agreed was reasonable was my taking the boys and leaving the house for as long at that particular situation was going on. One would think that would be enough, but no it took one more time of that being broken with a different consequences and that got the ball rolling. Two year later, she finally saw the need and found the strength to set boundaries with her intrusive 'mommy dearest' mom for the sake of the children, herself and our marriage. Since 2005, I've had my wife back, the children have their mom back and we are all in better health for it.

I just don't buy this easy come easy go view of marriage because you only have one mom or one dad for there is not anywhere in the Bible where it says when your parents get old and need you that you shall leave your spouse and cleave to your parent(s) till death do you part. Honoring and being respectful of one's aging parents plus the NT verse about people taking care of the elderly in their families do not automatically mean doing it personally yourself or making yourself or your marriage, or your children, or your health a martyr like sacrifice when the level of care is over your head or for other reasons is no longer sustainable.

I'm not a person who likes to confront and I was raised to let others needs come completely first and be ok with people being very intrusive into my life, but I reached the point in 2002 where I said enough, I want my life back but I don't even know that that means or how to get there.

Yes, we each only have one mom and one dad, but we also have one God to whom we must answer how we balanced the challenges of being married and being the adult child of an aging parent. I don't believe that means abandoning the parent anymore than I believe it means abandoning ones spouse and children which I've read many times here that people have regretted. BTW, my grandmother told my mom when she got old, __ it's time for you to leave your current husband and come home to take care of me and she was a good Christian woman and an outstanding member of both her community and her church.