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I would would suggest you look at your life and decide what your priorities are. Mine is my husband and our children, our physical, mental and financial well being. Then comes our Mothers and their needs...
Would your brother be able to take your Mom for a while, maybe with some home health care or hospice.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through, dealing with my husbands stress and frustrations was much harder than caring for Mom, but then we'd had no problems before Mom moved in with us. I am also sure our Mothers would not want to cause an estrangement in our marriage.
You aren't alone but there is no easy answer that I know of. Wish you the best.
Lilli
An equivalent question would be if kinnella's MIL was living in their house and she felt like she could not take it anymore because he was neglecting her for his mother and no longer felt like she was really his wife, wouldn't she be justified in giving the same type of ultimatum?
The deeper issue here is about boundaries which change or should change after you get married. Ya not ya mama's little girl or little boy anymore!
I can't imagine putting my mother in last place in my life. Were it not for her, I would not have MY life, and although there were many trying times with my mother here, since she has passed I haven't felt any guilt for what I 'should have done', because I know we did all we could for her.
My husband was my biggest helper, and without him I would never have been able to help Mom as much as we did. I would do the same (have already) for his mother should the need be there. I found that you can tell how a man will treat you by how they treat their mother, and I think the same is true for us. As a woman, I would try to explain to this husband that your mother is very important to you, and his demand is not possible, BUT that together you both could look into getting some help for Mom and your family from other resources.
If there are other family members that are not helping, have a family meeting WITH your husband so he can explain the drain on your family. Get outside help from the elder affairs services in your area for respite and help.
I am not saying that anyone should 'ignore' their family over their mothers needs, but I could sit here and think of thousands of times my mother gave up something to help me and my siblings. Helping her was my pleasure, even when it very difficult.
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