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Good Luck!!
* You either tell them ... "This IS NOT A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT (so)
"I am doing ..."
"I am getting help in to clean ...
"I am getting cleaners in on a monthly basis to clean...
If they resist, and you have no legal or otherwise recourse, then it is fully up to them. However, I would then call Adult Protective Services and ask them to make a visit.
Lastly, if it were my parents, I would tell them that I will not visit until the place is cleaned up. That may not be any deterrent although it will show them you are serious.
Gena / Touch Matters
Are your parents themselves mostly clean? Are they getting out a bit? Do they have friends? Do they seem relatively happy? Not everybody pays attention to Martha Stewart's fantasies. I would get them to a doctor, and have their eyes checked, too. What if they pass a Dementia test, what will you do?
If you want to get them any help, start very slowly and do not do anything, like cleaning up while they are away. That is very underhanded and dishonest. If you are so upset, get thee to a Therapist and learn how to disengage from their issues and deal with your own. Getting involved will AP Services could get messy and filing for a legal Conservatorship?Order is very expensive. And, above all, do not take anything that does not belong to you without documenting, unless you want to be accused of theft.
There are a lot of good suggestions here, please read them. Above all, take care of yourself. This is not an easy time for everyone involved. Good Luck.
I'm new to this forum also. I understand your issue. My Mom is,was,and always will be a terrible housekeeper. However, since she has moved here next to me, I've noticed it getting worse. Now and then, she'll do some surface cleaning, but the odor in her house is way beyond a few incontinence pads. For the first 2 years of her living here, I cleaned her house for her (deep cleaning). But after 2 years, she made it very clear how much she did NOT want me cleaning and how she insisted on doing it herself. Since then, she does NOT do it herself and it just gets worse. I shudder to think what is in the nooks & crannies! She has accepted names & numbers of housekeepers, and she can afford it, but never follows through with it.
So, my advice to you is the advice I have given to myself a million times these past 6 months; and that is to just let them live in squalor if that's the way they choose to live. If they have all of their faculties and still insist that they are okay in their home, then so be it. Sounds like the other choice would be to call social services if you fear for their health. But then you'd have to suffer the consequences for that. Not only would they be furious at you, but they may end up living in your house.
I'll say a prayer for you....your not alone.
I had offered to clean and organize bills, but I think stepmom was actually hiding their situation and felt that it would be exposed if I got involved.
It goes against everything in you to "Take Charge" of parents, but I wish I had forced it at least a year before it all fell upon me all at once. I think that I could have weathered the arguments better than being so absolutely shocked, appalled, and grossed out at the condition of their lives when I had to do it.
Good luck to you.
we basically took over and although my dad was initially really angry at us, he came around when he saw how nice the house was looking. He also got used to us being around and being pro active.
My sisters and I knew it was only a matter of time before someone got hurt in that house with all the filth and clutter.
Usually the right answer is to call APS but we chose this route first.
If something were to happen in your parent’s house because of neglect then Social services would step in.
You say your parents are of sound mind but I doubt that’s the case. My mom had Alzheimer’s and my dad who is of sound mind was in total denial of the situation.
Anyway I hope you can resolve this. As it turns out, 1 Year after the clean up, my dad had a stroke because he wasn’t taking his meds. So he really wasn’t of sound mind since he wasn’t even really taking care of himself or my mom properly. He is the type of person that was too proud to ask for help but sometimes you just have to step in.
This is a very tough and unsanitary situation for your parents. Contact welfare check without your parents knowing about it. No sense arguing with them. Follow Our Forum!
That is, for them, a change.
Again, you are so correct that some people grow up in this and continue the legacy. Thanks for that input.
My suggestion is this take them on a day trip - Hire a cleaning crew to clean that nasty mess. If they don't see it happening they most likely will not realize it has been cleaned.
Once it is clean then you can get someone in there to clean it two or three times a week, just by picking this up picking that up. If you hire someone to come in do this: bring them in- introduce them as a friend - this is my friend Julie - accompany her a few times to get them use to the idea that this person is coming in then one day just say that Julie is staying and I'm leaving for an appointment - do that a couple of times then have Julie show up and visit with them cleaning here and there. It is a process but it seams that they are like children they will need more and more care. Take the bull by the horns and just do it rather they get mad or not. Ask yourself is it better for them to be mad at you for a bit or for them to be in an unhealthy environment?
However, I suspect there is going to be major damage here due to infestations, etc. This isn't a one-and-done I am thinking.
You are correct that this is something that many here are dealing with. If you stick around and read posts daily you will see this over and over.
I can't be certain if you see this as a "Hoarding situation" or if this is something that you see as a failure in mentation or physical strength to handle things. The fact that they will not allow you to function in any way to help them makes me think that you have some undiagnosed dementia going on.
I would begin with a call to your local council on aging and a call to APS today. Let them know just what you have told us and ask for a wellness check on your parents. Ask if you should refer them to the county and if the APS believes, as you do, that living like this is a health risk for these elders. Especially in smaller townships, referral to country services such as Fire Department and Police may bring mandates for cleaning with followup that it is done.
I would take care not to become a guardian or a POA (if they are still competent to appoint one) because you honestly cannot function for elders who are not cooperative, and the onus of trying to run their lives even with their cooperation is mighty. The burden is heavy in record keeping and etc. If they require guardianship let the state take that over and manage everything while you remain a devoted daughter.
I wish you the best, and hope you'll update us.
She has many videos you can watch on YouTube.
You will never be able to get them to allow you to do anything. They honestly believe there is nothing wrong with them and they're thinking. In other words, you will never be able to change their minds so stop trying or if you don't stop you're just gonna make yourself go into the grave. So, call authorities. APS. Yes , they're going to get upset , but they're going to get upset anyway. You know something has to be done. You're just going to have to do it! I'm in home health care and I've been doing this for 30 years. Their brain is broken so you can not reason with these people. Again... You will never be able to convince them of the condition of their house and the need to clean it. I wish you all the best. God bless you for trying. It is hard. One of the hardest things you will ever do.
And once you do call in folks, this DOES tend to fall on you.
Do you really want POA or guardianship over a couple this uncooperative and troubled? I sure wouldn't.
I think that Fawnby gave you best options, best things to think about in all this. I add to her post my best wishes.
You may have physical capabilities lumped in with mental capabilities. It's possible to have one kind of capability but not the other. Start learning a lot more about dementia - looks to me like you have full-blown cases of it on your hands.
Or not. You can choose to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. After someone calls Adult Protective Services, social workers there with "capability" will set forces in motions to deal with your parents' "INcapability."
You're way behind the learning curve here with a good bit of denial added on. You may need help to wrap your head around this. An alternative to walking away is to find out what senior services are available in your area and engage with them to understand what's going on here. Good luck!
Diogenes Syndrom is a term that seems to describe their situation.
https://www.healthline.com/health/diogenes-syndrome
But if they are living with mold , animal feces , flies maggots and food all over , they either don’t have their faculties , or they can’t see it or both .
Tell them you aren’t coming over unless they let a cleaning crew in
Get them out of the house for a long day out or a visit to your home, and send in a cleaning crew to do a deep clean and fumigation of their home. It's better to apologize than ask permission.
Your parents are not choosing not to clean. As one gets older they just don't have the same energy as someone years younger. Example, today my hubby (78 yrs old) was vacuuming, doing a great job as always, but it really tired him. I use to love doing yard work, would be out there 8 hours, but now a days, I can't do more than a half hour (also 78 yrs old). This is all normal aging.
My parents (90's) house was very dusty as my parents had age related eyesight issues, thus probably couldn't really see how dusty it was. And when I gifted a cleaning service to my Mom, well she was offended big time. Oh my gosh, if someone gifted me that, I would be holding the front door open smiling at the cleaning crew coming in :)
Some time we need to back away from doing "chores" that our parents use to do on a regular basis, so then and only then they will realize they need more outside help.