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My Mom is 93. I live with her. My brother and his family live down the road. My Mom is upset with me that I am not going to do a lot of decorations this year. She wants her huge Christmas tree up. She thought that she had decorated last year. She has not decorated a Christmas tree in 5 years. I used to love Christmas but she has made it more difficult with what she wants. How do I tell her that I will not be doing all the decorations, the cleaning or the cooking that she is expecting? Christmas was always my favorite holiday but it isn't anymore because I am expected to clean, cook and decorate. Please, someone, tell me what I can say to her to make her understand that I want some joy in this holiday, too.

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Can she just go to you or your brothers place?
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Reply to MACinCT
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Summernole, I feel that our elderly parents still think of us as still being in our 30's and 40's, with a lot of energy to do everything. I know I had that issue with my folks, any time I said "I can't possible to that", they would look at me like my hair was on fire. Then I would later add "I don't have the time" or "I don't have the energy".


We use to get a fresh cut tree for Christmas. Now I use a 3 foot tree made out of Christmas colorful glass balls, very light weight (got it on sale after the holidays). I place the tree in a bay window. We use to buy the already "cooked dinners" from the grocery store (had to pre-order). Now it is whatever we feel like eating. Ok, I do get frozen holiday pies that one just cooks, and maybe a box of holiday cookies. I do have a can of pine tree smell :)


Christmas cards? Now I have the labels/addresses set up in my computer to print out. My handwriting isn't that great any more so the labels are helpful.
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Reply to freqflyer
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If you are having a lot of guests for Christmas dinner order one of the Dinners from your local Grocery store or local restaurant that does full meals.
Yeah, the price looks high but you don't have to do all the shopping or cooking.
Get a small pre lit tree and set that up.
For years I was the one that got the tree from the attic, I was the one that set it up, I was the one that decorated it, then I was the one that took all the decorations off, took apart the tree, packed back into the box and dragged it back to the attic.
After my husband started trying to eat the decorations cuz they looked like candy or fruits I said that's it no more.
Ya know I don't miss it. Although now I have no husband to eat the decorations I do have a cat that would try to climb it and a dog that would "christen" it! So I still don't set up a tree. I do minimal decorations and am happy with what I do.

Keep telling mom, Oh, I'll get to the decorations next week.
And do yourself a favor, for a present to yourself hire cleaning people to come in and do a cleaning that takes care of the cleaning aspect of your holiday.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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At 75 I have cut back alot. This year will be my last year to ship goodies. From TG to the first 2 weeks of Dec I am trying to get things ready before the last shipping date before Christmas. It was fun in years past but not now. My immediate family and I stopped gift giving a while back. It was mostly giving each other gift cards. I didn't do cards for 7 yrs. Last year I did so people knew I was still alive. Not this year. Not pushing myself. The girls are adults as is one grandson. The other grandson his parents do the Christmas thing. Me, he gets an Amazon Gift card to buy what he wants.

I agree, don't say anything to Mom. Just let her talk, first of all its not even Christmas yet. Don't stress yourself out.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I go through the same thing, every year, and every year I try to get mom to cut back. Every year no luck. I don't see this year being any better.

Every year middle of January my mom has a huge set back. Because of all she did. This year that week Ill be on a plane , gone for ten days. My brothers are going to have to deal with moms after Christmas set back.

I've tried for 4 years to fix this , every year same darn thing. This year I throw the towel in , and what ever happens happens, but I'm not helping any more than I want to help. I've got my own things to do

It really makes Christmas stink!!!

Mom will tell me , I have no doctors appointment in January, I say I'm sure you will have lots after you get so worked up for Christmas, and she gives me a look, then come January and here we go again.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Tell her the big tree is not possible . Tell her the doctor said you have to take it easy . You may have to keep repeating .

I have two prelit tabletop trees , one 3 foot one in the family room which I put ornaments on , and a two foot prelit in the dining room that I leave bare .

Both were from Amazon , complete with lights on them and burlap around the base . Just plug it in

Order a meal you can reheat , put a movie on .
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Reply to waytomisery
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She seems to have short-term memory impairment so anything you tell her will evaporate into the ethos, just in time for you to have to re-convince her the next day.

I agree with others that you don't discuss it with her when she starts haranging you. You do what you feel willing and able to do. You can fend her off by distracting her or changing the subject. Take her for a drive to see the pretty Christmas lights locally. Have her decorate cookies or make chain garland or cut paper snow flakes. I hope you have a peaceful holiday together.
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Reply to Geaton777
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She will think she decorated it this year as well.
You don't convince her of anything; we never do.
You simply do it as you must do it and that is that.
Where did this new thing come from that we are responsible for our parents happiness and that old age has ANYTHING to do WHATSOEVER with happiness in general. Old age is about loss. It is about memory and trying to be as contented as you are able knowing your life is draining away. This isn't a happy time and I assure you of that as an 82 year old. And you have gone from DD to caregiver. Responsible for EVERYTHING and with no thanks for it.

This is simple. This will be what it must be for YOUR sake. It has nothing to do with her, her choice, her happiness, or really the onus and burden that Holidays and their "happy-all-the-time" burden puts upon half the populace every year.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You don't need to convince her of anything. She'll know Christmas will be different this year when she sees it with her own eyes. I'd not discuss it with her at all if it were me.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Just buy a table top tree and tell her the decor is up. Then order Christmas dinner from the Grocery to pick up the day before and done and done. ✔️
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Reply to southernwave
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ElizabethAR37 Nov 16, 2024
Makes sense to me! My husband (95) and I (soon to be 88) will be doing minimal decorating and cooking this Christmas. Making our adult children responsible for Christmas? Nope! They have their own. Our son has offered to put up our outdoor wreath and a "light show" fixture, which we greatly appreciate. Otherwise, if we can't do it, it isn't getting done.
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