How can I possibly be experiencing caregiver burnout after only 6 weeks?

I have 24 back operations mom still thinks I'm 33 so sometimes I act likeI need her ( I don't) but she gives me a litte space I watch a movie) I'm 69 she is 95 can't hear or see right,,, took her to docter docter said she seems ok I got pssed asked her who is the president she said Nixon what day is it what month is it she didn't no right away I got nurses and aids to help not much but help ask questions in front of docter

Life'snotover....are you still there? Have you received any help?

Don't give up just yet. And don't be disillusioned by what your friends say, or negative comments on sites like this. What you do next has a lot to do with why you are there.

Did your mother ask you to come? If so what did she want you to do once you were there? Did your brothers ask you to move back? If so, what did they want from you?
If any of these people asked you to move back, then think about what they said about what type of help they needed/wanted from you. Where did they want you to live?

If you made this move without being asked to by your mother or brothers, then I'd suggest you back way off, even move to a rent house in same town or nearby town & get a job, friends, a life. Enjoy visiting your mom weekly & take her to appointments when able. That way you are helping your brothers some & getting to help your mom a little & enjoy seeing her more, than you would in another state, during her last years.
IF you were asked to move back to help, especially by her: Don't lose heart. Take a step back & look at this whole situation. There are a lot of players in this so things may not be as they seem. No matter why you are there, your brothers, & even your mother, may be tired, jealous, envious, resentful, afraid,... just like you are.

If someone asked you to move back, talk to them about what you understood they wanted from you, and hear what they say about what they expected from you. If you are both on the same page, then move on to "I am new at this and feel I'm not helping you like you wanted. What can I do differently to help you? You will either get the "oh no you are doing great.." then they will behave better for a day or two. Or you'll get the "I never asked you to be here..." or the "I'm sick of you bossing me around...". Then you will both go to your own "safe space" to hide/sulk for a while.
Either way, from what your post said, I say you need to back off a little. Not because you did anything wrong, but because she/they are not use to this "extra/new" person's opinions, ... and everyone needs a chance to adjust to this family's New Dynamics.

I lived in another state than my parents for years and moved back in with them, after my mom asked me to several times over 2 months. That was 1 1/2 years ago. All my siblings were 100% behind me & paid my moving expenses. My parents were thrilled I was with them and told me that daily the first week & mom was lounging on the sofa enjoying her vacation. I was doing all the things my mom specifically said she can't do anymore (clean, laundry, cook...). By the 3rd wk mom was getting antsy & trying to help/critique my cooking, mopping (we had some little spats too). By the 5th week I overheard her say to dad "I don't know who she thinks she is coming in here and taking over! She's just bossing us around!". Of course my heart immediately sank. I closed my bedroom door to hide for a while, cry a little, question if I'd done the right thing, and review my actions to see if I had really been bossy. After reflecting & calmer, I reminded myself that my dad has Alzheimers, and my mom needed help because she has progressing dementia, anxiety, confusion, & back problems so can't fully care for dad anymore, remember nor always reason well. I realized that even though they did really need me to do all the things I was doing, it was still a hard transition for my mom to suddenly give up all the things she'd done daily for 70 years.

My advice is to back off on whatever it is that you were doing that caused ripples.
Let your mom be in control of as much as possible.
Ask before doing things for her & give her choices. "Mom, earlier today you mentioned the carpet being dirty. Is this a good time for me to vacuum, or would later in the day be better?"
Don't force her to do anything, unless it is a severe immediate safety issue. It's not a disaster if she does not want to take a shower everyday, eat healthy food all the time, go to sleep and get up at times you think appropriate,....
Instead, let her take the lead. Act interested in what she is doing, watching or talking about & ask followup questions about it. Remind her of things before it is actually time to do them, like "Mom, your doctor appointment is in the morning so we probably need to leave about 2:00. Does that sound about right to you?". Then remind her again the morning of the appointment, and 1 hour before leaving...

Most elderly people, even with mild-moderate dementia..., still know if someone is doing things that are in their best interest, and if you are, with time she will grow to trust you and your decisions. Then she will slowly start giving you more responsibilities and less lip:o)

Knowing more about the dynamics between your mother & your brothers, before you moved there, could be helpful to you. I've found that my mother's closest friends are a great source of info d/t they probably know your mother better than anyone else & they like to talk about it. Don't start asking question after question like a detective though. Just casually visit, ask about their day... then mention that you want to help your mom but you don't feel you are doing a good job & you don't know what you're doing wrong. Then just listen. Do not interrupt when the friend is talking unless it is a follow up question or clarification. Once you have her talking & if things are going well, you could mention your brother(s)... Keep in mind that everything they say may not be completely true d/t their memory & hearing might not be good.
Others that could give you insight are your mothers pastor, neighbors, & the Independent Living staff.

When I moved in with my parents, I told my parents & siblings that I don't know how long I will live with them d/t it depends on my mental and physical health. I also said I only have one promise, and that was that I go to go out of state to see my grown children as much as I did before moving in with mom & dad, and that my siblings will need to either be my backup help or they will need to hire someone for when I'm gone. They all agreed.

Good Luck

NYDaughterInLaw
I know what it is like when family has no idea how hard it is to visit someone's house. I took my dad to visit my brother. Taking him to the bathroom was terrible.
I was talking to my SIL about how we can't visit because he can't use their bathrooms. She told me, oh we have grab bars. The grab bars are maybe six inches high and fit under the toilet seat. Totally useless.
I said he needs grab bars on the wall so he could stand up and use the toilet. The grab bars were never put up. So we couldn't visit.

WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT YOU "OVERHEARD", IT'S HARD TO GIVE ANY ADVICE...

The action of your mother hurting your feelings happens more than you think. I left my Maryland home and moved in with my late mother, who was living alone in her own home in Massachusetts. She didn't like it, but she had lost her choices by waiting too long. Your mother is aged. I would try to disregard what seems hurtful as it won't continue forever.

Hi LifesNotOver,
No, life is NOT over, it may just feel that way to you!

Wow, what a change in your life. You lived far away ("half way across the country"), probably for a long time. Your mom was only used to your phone calls and cards.
You have given up familiar surroundings, home, friends, possibly job or volunteer work to care for her. Did she ask you to come? Did you ask what would be involved before you moved? Did you plan what you would be doing with your life?

What you need to understand is that your brothers already had a "plan in place" of how they cared for your mom that you weren't part of. Now you ARE part of it. Maybe everyone thinks you have your own agenda and aren't taking into consideration what they did. Did you ask your mom and or brothers what they thought of you moving out BEFORE you moved? Do they seem to appreciate your help or is everybody defensive, resentful and angry? Like others have said, have you asked what you can do or did you assess the situation and go in with your own agenda?

As for burnout, I think you're overwhelmed. I was too when I brought my mother (with stage 6-7 Alzheimer's) home with me. Oh dear Lord, what did I do? The woman that I saw twice a week for 2 hours at the memory care facility was great. The woman that I moved in with me was a screaming, demanding, angry, confused person who required me doing everything for her, from feeding to toileting. I didn't REALIZE how much work she was and how heavy she was to care for. I wound up having to move her into another memory care facility because I wasn't physically able to continue to assist her. I also couldn't mentally cope with caring for a severely confused person and the constant questions, screaming, accusations, etc. What I'm trying to say is that maybe, like me, you really didn't know what you were getting into. Brothers (men in general) aren't very good at explaining situations, so you may have assumed how things were but, in reality, she's a lot different. Not your fault.

How was your relationship with your mother previously? Did you get along well?

You said you're frustrated with "things". What are they? Is anyone else frustrated with the same things? Maybe they like things the way they are and resent any "new opinions". Don't forget, this system has been in place for a long time. You're the "new kid in town". You need to be humble in front of those that have done it for years and in front of your mom, who hasn't been part of your life. The outsider has become the insider. You need to earn your place in the family, (however strange that sounds).

If, in a few months, if you still feel this way and can't "shake off" what you heard, and don't seem to be appreciated, then I would reconsider your offer to assist her. You may have to move (or at least back off caring for her) and she would transition into assisted living. It may save the sanity of both of you. Old people don't adjust well to change. We can consider ourselves in that statement too.

Good luck.

Of course you would do anything for your mother as you are the dutiful daughter whose role it is to care. You're not to feel guilty for what your mother is like now, she's sick and when people are sick they can be mean, hurtful, demanding and confusing. Be very mindful of people who will swoop in and take advantage of your mother's circumstance because there's nothing worse than the hurt you'll feel then. I speak from personal experience. There is no harder job than what you're doing and if you feel you can't do it, don't! Don't worry about what other people might think, they don't know what it's like. You do.

I completely understand your feeling emotionally exhausted at this point. You have made a huge change in your life. I am curious about the locking horns that you describe. Could it be that you both were used to independence and now feel encroached upon?
I am not faulting you at all for how you feel, I cared for my Mother in my home for the last 4 years of her life and it was definitely challenging. But sometimes we make the mistake of feeling we have "switched roles" with the parent becoming the child and we take a parenting role. That can lead to resentments and hurt feelings.
There is not an easy fix for how you are feeling, I am more than willing to support you from a distance. Feel free to private message me.
Best,
Margaret

Start your day with your mom with a smile and a "good morning mom" and a hug. Don't take to heart anything that may seem hurtful, mean, etc. I think everyone goes through that and you just have to ignore it she doesn't really mean it. You may have overheard something she said to your brother but she is used to them being there for her. Change is very hard for the elderly. I was the sole caregiver for my mom and when my brothers visited she always wanted to know where I was or when will I be back. They did things that they thought she wanted or thought was the best for her and she would complain to me after they left. It was just a change for her. They were not there on a daily basis like I was and she was just used to me being there. Keep your brothers informed ask their advice. Caring for your mom may not easy now but it will be rewarding when she is gone.

I love my mom if she says no than that is how it will be burn out or not and I am burnout

As I understand it, your mom is living in a safe situation, and that is your moral obligation taken care of...what extra you want to do is up to you, same with brothers. No reason you should feel bad about having lived halfway across the country - it's your life after all. I'd give myself time to decide if I would be happy living in this community - nothing to do with mom, just is this a good fit for me? If not, you should keep looking - remember Mom is in a safe place - that is taken care of. If you want to help your brothers, then why not ask what you could do that would help them? But remember, they made their choices and they can step away since Mom is safe- their choices do not obligate you. If they want to visit every day, fine. But not, "mom has to be visited every day - when are you going to take your turn?" If mom is a nasty person, then why should anyone feel they have to be abused? As long as her basic physical needs are taken care of? What is often forgotten is that when family is not much interested in an elder, then maybe that is because the elder drove them away. You reap what you sow.

My husband's mother moved in with us after his father died. She had late early stage dementia. What we didn't know was in the middle of the night she would call her daughter who lived 2000 miles away to tell her that we were playing music through the walls to drive her crazy and other bizarre things.
Daughter and husband decided to take her back to their home, where she happily resided under their wonderful care for about 8 years.
On their way home with her they stayed in a motel for the night. Amazingly, the motel played the same music through the walls!
Essentially I am now facing a similar situation as my husband has Alkzheimer's and is in the latter part of middle-stage at the age of 78.
Finding as much help as you can afford may make all the difference in how you feel and respond. When I don't get enough sleep (which is most nights) I have less patience which may affect you too.
The hateful words you heard may in reality be the dementia speaking so don't be too hard on yourself.

I don't think you're burned out. I think you're in shock! The child or children who do the hands on caregiving, have eyes on the ground regularly, and know the routines know better - that "proprietary stance" 97yrold mentioned above - than the child or children who live far away. And yes, when the child or children who have lived far away swoop in, it is viewed as interference.

My eldest brother in law wanted his parents to visit him and he kept saying "All they have to do is...". My husband had to have a very long phone conversation with his brother to get him to accept that it wasn't easy anymore for my inlaws to "just get on a plane" or "just get in the car". I even called his wife and gave her a shopping list in order to make their guest bathroom safe for MIL, who had a neurodegenerative disorder. SIL didn't believe all of those items were necessary - "Do I really need to buy a shower chair?"

People who are not caregivers just don't understand...until they do! If you are trying to rearrange everything in your mother's life - reinvent her wheel so to speak - it will never work, you will never be happy in your new life, and you will regret your move. Spend more time getting to know your new community and neighbors.

And because what you overheard was so painful, let your mother know. You would also have to apologize for eavesdropping, but nobody is perfect. Can you forgive what was said about you?

Are you telling everyone what to do? Or are you asking how you can assist?

Big HUGE difference.

It's possible that your fresh set of eyes have uncovered things that need attention. It's also possible that there is a reason or many reasons why some things haven't been done. Your pointing them out might feel like criticism. Also I've noticed a tendency for the sibling that has always lived close by to have a proprietary stance towards mom and any interference from outsiders. You must feel like an outsider to them as you have been gone so long. So remember that all of you need time to adjust. Even though you came to help, even moved for goodness sake, give things a bit of time before making suggestions for change. In other words, earn the right to have an opinion. They probably can't imagine moving such a distance ( if they never left home all these years) and have some suspicious thoughts as to your true intention.
You've been given many suggestions. With no feedback from you it's hard to know if any of our comments are helpful. Tell us a bit more about what is going on.

I think GardenArtist makes a lot of sense. I think you need to check in with your siblings hopefully they will be open and honest with you. My brother has been completely unhelpful in the 7.5 years my partner and I have been taking care of my mother. If he suddenly moved here to ‘help’ it would be problematic even though in some ways it would be helpful and what I’ve claimed I wanted. Talk to them.

Hello,
Wow, listen, the ones you love can hurt you the most. Tread lightly, this is a big change for everyone. I find it very difficult to talk to my family so I just act...it hasn't worked so well for me. Maybe if you focus on learning her/their routine and see how you can manage your own life on the in between, that would help you "take over" down the road. I learned from the free caregiver support group in my area that I am/was too controlling in my caregiving efforts. Take it from one who knows...no one likes a control freak (except the ones that want to take advantage) Good luck.

Forgive me if these questions are personal, but I have a couple to ask. First, is your family a close knit family where you get along well with your brothers? Also, how long have they been taking care of your mom? For me, I have 4 brothers and sisters and I was my mom's primary caregiver and completely gave up my entire life to care for my mom and my brothers and sisters were taking vacations and only helping out when it was convenient to them. Honestly, this caused me to have bad feelings towards my siblings because they never stepped in to help to give me some much needed time for myself. Is it possible the conversation you overheard could have stemmed from them having hard feelings towards you if they have been the primary caregiver and them not having time for themselves? I can tell you from experience that you need to sit down with your siblings and talk and possibly make some sort of schedule where all of you can make plans and make sure nobody cancels and ends up making others have to cancel. The last thing you want is to have your mom be a burden to any of you and trust me on this, once she is no longer with you, you will look back and be glad you were there for her. That's the one thing I was able to take to heart is I did what was needed to make sure my mom was taken care of. I can promise if you don't sit and talk with your siblings, any hard feelings will only keep getting worse and your mom will pick up on it and make her feel like she is being a burden.

I applaud your decision to move and help. I hope you made this decision with thought and that you would be there to help and not change the system unless its a danger to your mom. Caregiving is very hard and even being an only child my dad has hurt my feelings as he ages. You have to be able to let what that say roll off and just be there for her. At 98 you have a limited time to enjoy your mom. Talk to your brother if it bothers you and explain you just want to help and be a team member and if mom is upset it would be great if he could share that so you can help. Been doing this for 12 years so dont throw in the towel after 6 weeks. W/O knowing what was said or your relationship I would say use this as your sounding board but be prepared to share more if you dont want to be judged since we dont know the WHOLE story.

The best thing I did after my mother moved in with us in April was to hire someone to come in to be mom's companion for several hours a day. This woman, Lynn, is a dream come true. She adores my mom, takes her out to lunch, shopping, to the movies! It makes me feel slightly bad that I don't do that for her, but Lynn loves it while I sort of feel like it's a drag. Mom gets the stimulation she needs and I get a total break from feeling house bound. Even if your mom doesn't need a lot of care, having someone who is a friend rather than family can be good for your mother and for you!

Moving to a new area is difficult and takes time to adjust, even with no family involved. Making new friends, finding new doctor, stores, spiritual practice, time and places to rejuvenate, etc. Give yourself time.

Dear LifesNotOver, my mother physically lives with me 24/7, her 6 stage dementia, uncontrolled diabetes, and a host of other things. So burnout, no maam your not near. I go through so many emotions and frustration because she says all types of things, just out of the blue. I charge it to her head and not her heart. The biggest of nightmares has always been the siblings for one reason or another, but they have a lot to says about every situation concerning my mother, but not one has stepped up to the plate. See they can visit and go home after filling her head or frustrating her and I have to deal with the rest. Now this has only been 4 months and some days I have my reservation of why I put myself in this madness, one day is never the same: I have to do her medical care, be her baby, be the responsible adult daughter, confused most of the nights/and wandering thinking she needs to be somewhere else, and all these other people that she hear or see dead or alive. Answer:I love my mother and God loves me, I love him, so I press on reminding myself that my date may come to this stage of life will I be treated the same. I remind myself that my life is not over and this to shall pass. I have started planning for my future and giving it a real thorough thought of how I want it to be. It is hard and I won't lie, IT IS HARD!!! separate yourself some as the others have advised, If there was a problem between you and your mother that is in the pass, forgive yourself, get her forgiveness and move on, You can not turn back time. Work as hard as you can at being happy. God Bless!

You said that your brothers have been taking care of mom for years. Now you decided to give them a "break"? They probably feel that it's about time you came to the plate. Do your time and your siblings and mom may change the way they think of you. Good luck.

Hello my dear. I too moved across the country to be near my mom and ended up actually "taking charge" of her. If you are like me you are in culture shock. You have given up your life, your nest, your freedom. I came to think of what you are experiencing as "mini-burnout". The joy and comfort that comes around being near my mother alternates with claustrophobia, anger, helplessness. I disagree with Harpcat. Things will get better. Learn to make adjustments in your life to make it work out. Talk to your brothers, talk to your Mom. Go find something else to do, find a good friend or two, get involved in the "old folks system". If she uses Humana insurance, they will have a center there in your town. People of all ages and for all reasons go there -- mostly to talk. You do not have to be a member. Definitely talk to her social worker. Reach out for supporting arms. Remember your mother is in shock too to have you suddenly in her life so close. Sign up to get the daily email on this website. People write in about everything you can imagine dealing with growing old. And take into consideration the fact that these are just people writing, every one is different, has different experiences, some have grown bitter, some have grown heavenly. It's a "sharing" thing. Good luck and bless you.

The care of an elder is always first place in our lives if we love them. OR, if we feel guilty of how the relationship has been in the years before. My father, who is always right, still tries to run our lives. He is over 104 and just recently gave up his car. He and his second wife have lived in a retirement center for several years now and after the pneumonia he is slowing down more. Twenty-four/seven caregiving is out of the picture since he lives over 7 hours away and my brother is not able to do the caregiving so they seem to be happy but need a lot of care so they have the staff in the center to do that. Planning ahead is hard but remember that if you can't handle the helping and you are down someone else will have to do it. SO, don't forget to plan for the times when you just can't do it. Health wise or otherwise. We all make mistakes and they are hard to overcome/change when we are at the wish of someone who requires so much help. Don't do it all. You will NOT be able to handle it long most likely. I am a retired RN and my wife is -has been in Assistance in Living for almost three years and we are able to enjoy life and spend time together and NOT have to worry about the daily tasks. Playing games and spending time together is more important then caregiving. She enjoys it and I am able to enjoy life myself too.

Hi My mother was in the mental hospital for the aged dealing with Dimensia still not sure if that or old age memory
Lapse. It was difficult to deal with her character and now.
Very stuborn comments that make you sick not realizing that others also have a life to live. Sometimes not sure if she act purposely. Everyone run away dont want to take responsibility. Im the only one left to see to her well being. Not easy you cant babysit dont have money to pay someone.
The only way out is the old age home. She has been fighting that for months. I feel heartsoar to put her there but they will finish you off. Let the profesional look after her.
A home where she is more free
Anytime. You can also see her anytime. If you have a strong day bring her home take her back later in that same day.
We need to look after ourselves also. My body cant take it. I have osteoarthritis in my spine. I cried already too difficult to see to my mother.
Wrong move helping her painful. Cant take it. All the best regards... Roda

hola!(hi)
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Personally, i think when you're overhearing some that you did NOT share with us in this helpful caring forum, it made you feel a little bad, or think differently.I think that you are not really burned out (Just my opinion here) I think it is a regret feasibly, (after) hearing whatever it is you heard.TAKE time for you. I do know it helps so many i've read here.
-If you are really feeling so burned out, get OUT.Meaning move to a different, however close by location/area.It doesn't have to be the "same"building.Not at all.I am 1 who am grateful i am here for both mi parents, as long as i am since dad fell ill.(Recovered beautifully/thank GOD from a light to mild stroke.)After he was not ever ill for 82 years. He is and my mom early 80s,but doing well, 

as i am keeping both,and dad i get out much,and then at night relax, watch tv, a nice dinner laughs!I am not one to get burned out.I love each minute i have with mi parents and staying here for a while now my dad always remind me and my mom is a blessing. I am also the youngest out of five. I am also VERY  happy to hear your loving mother living in mid to late 90s and still quite capable/doing well i am sending a prayer her way and yours. If i was you?
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 I would do as others cite, "Take time for your self."I am guessing if she is that age you're in your seventies/and or early to mid upper 60s,so still lots of life hopefully to live and enjoy, by just taking some time for YOU." I wish you good health each day and hugs and blessings going your way today.adios..God bless you both.

Sending you a great big HUG of empathy & compassion right now. The hardest thing in the WORLD is trying to take care of an elderly woman who insists on 'independence' and is nasty & mean in the process of you trying to help! I've been looking after my mother since I had to move her here in 2011 and it's been one helluva burden, period. Try to have your OWN life and think about moving OUT of the same building she lives in. My God, that's too much for anyone!!!
Best of luck, dear woman.

Look at it this way...your mom is 98 years old! How much longer does she have? I am sure your brother thinks you are there now for whatever is left over after she dies. He and your mom is thinking why is he here? Where was he all those other years? If in your heart you know you are doing the right thing you should not allow those words to hurt you. Are you home for the right reasons? 6 weeks and you are burned out? I've been taking care of my mom for 9 years. I don't give a crap what anyone says. Action speaks louder than words. You know why you moved back mom's house. Do you care more about your mom or the house? The truth will eventually come out.