Follow
Share

Hello and it's my first time on this forum. I don't even know where to start, it's all so complicated. Just knowing you're all here gives me hope that I'll find help and understanding when I'm ready to put it all into words. My mother is 98 years old and still doing not-too-bad in an independent living facility. I moved into the same building that she's in, 6 weeks ago, to give her the extra care she seemed to need to keep her from having to move into an assisted living place, which she was dead set against. We're constantly locking horns. I overheard a conversation just this evening between her and my brother (yes, I was eavesdropping) that shocked me. And hurt my feelings. And now I'm thinking I made a huge mistake in moving halfway across the country to be of assistance to her, and to give my 3 brothers in town a bit of a break from the mother-care they've been doing for years. I was thinking it may have been a huge mistake before I overheard that conversation, because I was already so frustrated with things. Like I said, long story, but at least this a start.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

36 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
W/o knowing what she said, the relationship between the two of you before you moved, and now, as well as the relationship between you and your siblings, it's really hard to give you advice.

But it sounds as if you were very disturbed by the conversation. Can you put it in perspective in relation to your mother's condition? Did you discuss it with your brothers, and was the conversation of a nature that they had experienced as well? What were their thoughts? How long has it been since you were involved with her on a more regular basis?

How do your brothers feel about your moving here? Were they aware of your plans before you moved?

I think you really need to give this a chance so you can put it in perspective before making a decision. If you haven't seen her in years, any changes, and anything she might say that's negative, need to really be put in perspective.

And ask yourself what your plans would be if you do feel that moving was a mistake? Would you move out of the same building or back to the area you left?

These are big decisions; give the situation some time to figure out more about what might be going on.
Helpful Answer (21)
Report
If you lived "halfway across the country" I imagine that your relationship with your mom has been limited to phone calls and occasional visits for a long time. I think there is nothing inherently wrong with your urge to reconnect with her, but your expectation that she would welcome an absent child who swoops in to change a system that (to her mind at least) has been working just fine is a little bit of a naive fantasy. She doesn't want a bossy new minder. You are suffering culture shock from the move, from giving up your job and friends. You don't say what your brothers think about any of this.

My advice - give it some time. Back off a little, be there for her, but just as a good neighbour and friend. I think you may be filling your thoughts and time with her care and perceived needs because you left a full life and now have a void to fill. Take time to settle yourself and find things to occupy you separate from your mom and sibs, when you have outside supports it will be less hurtful to be rejected.
Helpful Answer (27)
Report
How old are you,,, I am 68 be watching my mom for 6 to almost 7 years,,,, she is 95,,,, Brother died 4 years ago and my sister 3 months ago none of them helped or even would show up,,I am totally burnt out get an aid 3 times a week for hour and half all that is time to get to the but I take it,,, get away any chance you can,,, pus I get up at 4 to have 3 hours or 4 to myself
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
You may not be experiencing burnout but are having second thoughts and regrets. That was a big decision to move but nothing says you have to be wedded to that decision if indeed you feel it wasn’t the right one. Reality has hit you and the "honeymoon" has worn off. You and your brothers could also hire a "carer" to do what assistance you feel is needed. Now, if your mom says NO to that as so many do, guess what, it’s your life and your choice. She can’t dictate to you how to spend the rest of your life. She’s been fortunate to have 98 years on this planet and stay independent. So my advice is come to grips with why you are there.. ask the social worker at the place where you are to come in and have a sit down with the two of you and get things ironed out. If that doesn’t work, then my suggestion is to move out unless you want her to control your life. This will not get easier.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
It sounds to me as though you've had your feelings badly hurt. Different from burnout, but painful all the same. Don't think it makes you an inadequate caregiver!!!

Apart from the mother angle, are you happy with the move?
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
We hear people talk about how sharp granny is at 98 or 101 but the truth is most are not very sharp at this point. At that age even without diagnosed dementia, old folks can be very hurtful and not able to reason.

My mom is 87 and still pretty "Sharp" but I'm amazed sometimes by things she will blurt out.

You have to grow a think skin. Consider the source and take it with a grain of salt.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Look at it this way...your mom is 98 years old! How much longer does she have? I am sure your brother thinks you are there now for whatever is left over after she dies. He and your mom is thinking why is he here? Where was he all those other years? If in your heart you know you are doing the right thing you should not allow those words to hurt you. Are you home for the right reasons? 6 weeks and you are burned out? I've been taking care of my mom for 9 years. I don't give a crap what anyone says. Action speaks louder than words. You know why you moved back mom's house. Do you care more about your mom or the house? The truth will eventually come out.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Sending you a great big HUG of empathy & compassion right now. The hardest thing in the WORLD is trying to take care of an elderly woman who insists on 'independence' and is nasty & mean in the process of you trying to help! I've been looking after my mother since I had to move her here in 2011 and it's been one helluva burden, period. Try to have your OWN life and think about moving OUT of the same building she lives in. My God, that's too much for anyone!!!
Best of luck, dear woman.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
hola!(hi)
-
Personally, i think when you're overhearing some that you did NOT share with us in this helpful caring forum, it made you feel a little bad, or think differently.I think that you are not really burned out (Just my opinion here) I think it is a regret feasibly, (after) hearing whatever it is you heard.TAKE time for you. I do know it helps so many i've read here.
-If you are really feeling so burned out, get OUT.Meaning move to a different, however close by location/area.It doesn't have to be the "same"building.Not at all.I am 1 who am grateful i am here for both mi parents, as long as i am since dad fell ill.(Recovered beautifully/thank GOD from a light to mild stroke.)After he was not ever ill for 82 years. He is and my mom early 80s,but doing well, 

as i am keeping both,and dad i get out much,and then at night relax, watch tv, a nice dinner laughs!I am not one to get burned out.I love each minute i have with mi parents and staying here for a while now my dad always remind me and my mom is a blessing. I am also the youngest out of five. I am also VERY  happy to hear your loving mother living in mid to late 90s and still quite capable/doing well i am sending a prayer her way and yours. If i was you?
-
 I would do as others cite, "Take time for your self."I am guessing if she is that age you're in your seventies/and or early to mid upper 60s,so still lots of life hopefully to live and enjoy, by just taking some time for YOU." I wish you good health each day and hugs and blessings going your way today.adios..God bless you both.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Hi My mother was in the mental hospital for the aged dealing with Dimensia still not sure if that or old age memory
Lapse. It was difficult to deal with her character and now.
Very stuborn comments that make you sick not realizing that others also have a life to live. Sometimes not sure if she act purposely. Everyone run away dont want to take responsibility. Im the only one left to see to her well being. Not easy you cant babysit dont have money to pay someone.
The only way out is the old age home. She has been fighting that for months. I feel heartsoar to put her there but they will finish you off. Let the profesional look after her.
A home where she is more free
Anytime. You can also see her anytime. If you have a strong day bring her home take her back later in that same day.
We need to look after ourselves also. My body cant take it. I have osteoarthritis in my spine. I cried already too difficult to see to my mother.
Wrong move helping her painful. Cant take it. All the best regards... Roda
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
The care of an elder is always first place in our lives if we love them. OR, if we feel guilty of how the relationship has been in the years before. My father, who is always right, still tries to run our lives. He is over 104 and just recently gave up his car. He and his second wife have lived in a retirement center for several years now and after the pneumonia he is slowing down more. Twenty-four/seven caregiving is out of the picture since he lives over 7 hours away and my brother is not able to do the caregiving so they seem to be happy but need a lot of care so they have the staff in the center to do that. Planning ahead is hard but remember that if you can't handle the helping and you are down someone else will have to do it. SO, don't forget to plan for the times when you just can't do it. Health wise or otherwise. We all make mistakes and they are hard to overcome/change when we are at the wish of someone who requires so much help. Don't do it all. You will NOT be able to handle it long most likely. I am a retired RN and my wife is -has been in Assistance in Living for almost three years and we are able to enjoy life and spend time together and NOT have to worry about the daily tasks. Playing games and spending time together is more important then caregiving. She enjoys it and I am able to enjoy life myself too.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hello my dear. I too moved across the country to be near my mom and ended up actually "taking charge" of her. If you are like me you are in culture shock. You have given up your life, your nest, your freedom. I came to think of what you are experiencing as "mini-burnout". The joy and comfort that comes around being near my mother alternates with claustrophobia, anger, helplessness. I disagree with Harpcat. Things will get better. Learn to make adjustments in your life to make it work out. Talk to your brothers, talk to your Mom. Go find something else to do, find a good friend or two, get involved in the "old folks system". If she uses Humana insurance, they will have a center there in your town. People of all ages and for all reasons go there -- mostly to talk. You do not have to be a member. Definitely talk to her social worker. Reach out for supporting arms. Remember your mother is in shock too to have you suddenly in her life so close. Sign up to get the daily email on this website. People write in about everything you can imagine dealing with growing old. And take into consideration the fact that these are just people writing, every one is different, has different experiences, some have grown bitter, some have grown heavenly. It's a "sharing" thing. Good luck and bless you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
You said that your brothers have been taking care of mom for years. Now you decided to give them a "break"? They probably feel that it's about time you came to the plate. Do your time and your siblings and mom may change the way they think of you. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Dear LifesNotOver, my mother physically lives with me 24/7, her 6 stage dementia, uncontrolled diabetes, and a host of other things. So burnout, no maam your not near. I go through so many emotions and frustration because she says all types of things, just out of the blue. I charge it to her head and not her heart. The biggest of nightmares has always been the siblings for one reason or another, but they have a lot to says about every situation concerning my mother, but not one has stepped up to the plate. See they can visit and go home after filling her head or frustrating her and I have to deal with the rest. Now this has only been 4 months and some days I have my reservation of why I put myself in this madness, one day is never the same: I have to do her medical care, be her baby, be the responsible adult daughter, confused most of the nights/and wandering thinking she needs to be somewhere else, and all these other people that she hear or see dead or alive. Answer:I love my mother and God loves me, I love him, so I press on reminding myself that my date may come to this stage of life will I be treated the same. I remind myself that my life is not over and this to shall pass. I have started planning for my future and giving it a real thorough thought of how I want it to be. It is hard and I won't lie, IT IS HARD!!! separate yourself some as the others have advised, If there was a problem between you and your mother that is in the pass, forgive yourself, get her forgiveness and move on, You can not turn back time. Work as hard as you can at being happy. God Bless!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Moving to a new area is difficult and takes time to adjust, even with no family involved. Making new friends, finding new doctor, stores, spiritual practice, time and places to rejuvenate, etc. Give yourself time.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
The best thing I did after my mother moved in with us in April was to hire someone to come in to be mom's companion for several hours a day. This woman, Lynn, is a dream come true. She adores my mom, takes her out to lunch, shopping, to the movies! It makes me feel slightly bad that I don't do that for her, but Lynn loves it while I sort of feel like it's a drag. Mom gets the stimulation she needs and I get a total break from feeling house bound. Even if your mom doesn't need a lot of care, having someone who is a friend rather than family can be good for your mother and for you!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I applaud your decision to move and help. I hope you made this decision with thought and that you would be there to help and not change the system unless its a danger to your mom. Caregiving is very hard and even being an only child my dad has hurt my feelings as he ages. You have to be able to let what that say roll off and just be there for her. At 98 you have a limited time to enjoy your mom. Talk to your brother if it bothers you and explain you just want to help and be a team member and if mom is upset it would be great if he could share that so you can help. Been doing this for 12 years so dont throw in the towel after 6 weeks. W/O knowing what was said or your relationship I would say use this as your sounding board but be prepared to share more if you dont want to be judged since we dont know the WHOLE story.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Forgive me if these questions are personal, but I have a couple to ask. First, is your family a close knit family where you get along well with your brothers? Also, how long have they been taking care of your mom? For me, I have 4 brothers and sisters and I was my mom's primary caregiver and completely gave up my entire life to care for my mom and my brothers and sisters were taking vacations and only helping out when it was convenient to them. Honestly, this caused me to have bad feelings towards my siblings because they never stepped in to help to give me some much needed time for myself. Is it possible the conversation you overheard could have stemmed from them having hard feelings towards you if they have been the primary caregiver and them not having time for themselves? I can tell you from experience that you need to sit down with your siblings and talk and possibly make some sort of schedule where all of you can make plans and make sure nobody cancels and ends up making others have to cancel. The last thing you want is to have your mom be a burden to any of you and trust me on this, once she is no longer with you, you will look back and be glad you were there for her. That's the one thing I was able to take to heart is I did what was needed to make sure my mom was taken care of. I can promise if you don't sit and talk with your siblings, any hard feelings will only keep getting worse and your mom will pick up on it and make her feel like she is being a burden.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Hello,
Wow, listen, the ones you love can hurt you the most. Tread lightly, this is a big change for everyone. I find it very difficult to talk to my family so I just act...it hasn't worked so well for me. Maybe if you focus on learning her/their routine and see how you can manage your own life on the in between, that would help you "take over" down the road. I learned from the free caregiver support group in my area that I am/was too controlling in my caregiving efforts. Take it from one who knows...no one likes a control freak (except the ones that want to take advantage) Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I think GardenArtist makes a lot of sense. I think you need to check in with your siblings hopefully they will be open and honest with you. My brother has been completely unhelpful in the 7.5 years my partner and I have been taking care of my mother. If he suddenly moved here to ‘help’ it would be problematic even though in some ways it would be helpful and what I’ve claimed I wanted. Talk to them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
It's possible that your fresh set of eyes have uncovered things that need attention. It's also possible that there is a reason or many reasons why some things haven't been done. Your pointing them out might feel like criticism. Also I've noticed a tendency for the sibling that has always lived close by to have a proprietary stance towards mom and any interference from outsiders. You must feel like an outsider to them as you have been gone so long. So remember that all of you need time to adjust. Even though you came to help, even moved for goodness sake, give things a bit of time before making suggestions for change. In other words, earn the right to have an opinion. They probably can't imagine moving such a distance ( if they never left home all these years) and have some suspicious thoughts as to your true intention.
You've been given many suggestions. With no feedback from you it's hard to know if any of our comments are helpful. Tell us a bit more about what is going on.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Are you telling everyone what to do? Or are you asking how you can assist?

Big HUGE difference.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I don't think you're burned out. I think you're in shock! The child or children who do the hands on caregiving, have eyes on the ground regularly, and know the routines know better - that "proprietary stance" 97yrold mentioned above - than the child or children who live far away. And yes, when the child or children who have lived far away swoop in, it is viewed as interference.

My eldest brother in law wanted his parents to visit him and he kept saying "All they have to do is...". My husband had to have a very long phone conversation with his brother to get him to accept that it wasn't easy anymore for my inlaws to "just get on a plane" or "just get in the car". I even called his wife and gave her a shopping list in order to make their guest bathroom safe for MIL, who had a neurodegenerative disorder. SIL didn't believe all of those items were necessary - "Do I really need to buy a shower chair?"

People who are not caregivers just don't understand...until they do! If you are trying to rearrange everything in your mother's life - reinvent her wheel so to speak - it will never work, you will never be happy in your new life, and you will regret your move. Spend more time getting to know your new community and neighbors.

And because what you overheard was so painful, let your mother know. You would also have to apologize for eavesdropping, but nobody is perfect. Can you forgive what was said about you?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
My husband's mother moved in with us after his father died. She had late early stage dementia. What we didn't know was in the middle of the night she would call her daughter who lived 2000 miles away to tell her that we were playing music through the walls to drive her crazy and other bizarre things.
Daughter and husband decided to take her back to their home, where she happily resided under their wonderful care for about 8 years.
On their way home with her they stayed in a motel for the night. Amazingly, the motel played the same music through the walls!
Essentially I am now facing a similar situation as my husband has Alkzheimer's and is in the latter part of middle-stage at the age of 78.
Finding as much help as you can afford may make all the difference in how you feel and respond. When I don't get enough sleep (which is most nights) I have less patience which may affect you too.
The hateful words you heard may in reality be the dementia speaking so don't be too hard on yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
As I understand it, your mom is living in a safe situation, and that is your moral obligation taken care of...what extra you want to do is up to you, same with brothers. No reason you should feel bad about having lived halfway across the country - it's your life after all. I'd give myself time to decide if I would be happy living in this community - nothing to do with mom, just is this a good fit for me? If not, you should keep looking - remember Mom is in a safe place - that is taken care of. If you want to help your brothers, then why not ask what you could do that would help them? But remember, they made their choices and they can step away since Mom is safe- their choices do not obligate you. If they want to visit every day, fine. But not, "mom has to be visited every day - when are you going to take your turn?" If mom is a nasty person, then why should anyone feel they have to be abused? As long as her basic physical needs are taken care of? What is often forgotten is that when family is not much interested in an elder, then maybe that is because the elder drove them away. You reap what you sow.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I love my mom if she says no than that is how it will be burn out or not and I am burnout
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Start your day with your mom with a smile and a "good morning mom" and a hug. Don't take to heart anything that may seem hurtful, mean, etc. I think everyone goes through that and you just have to ignore it she doesn't really mean it. You may have overheard something she said to your brother but she is used to them being there for her. Change is very hard for the elderly. I was the sole caregiver for my mom and when my brothers visited she always wanted to know where I was or when will I be back. They did things that they thought she wanted or thought was the best for her and she would complain to me after they left. It was just a change for her. They were not there on a daily basis like I was and she was just used to me being there. Keep your brothers informed ask their advice. Caring for your mom may not easy now but it will be rewarding when she is gone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I completely understand your feeling emotionally exhausted at this point. You have made a huge change in your life. I am curious about the locking horns that you describe. Could it be that you both were used to independence and now feel encroached upon?
I am not faulting you at all for how you feel, I cared for my Mother in my home for the last 4 years of her life and it was definitely challenging. But sometimes we make the mistake of feeling we have "switched roles" with the parent becoming the child and we take a parenting role. That can lead to resentments and hurt feelings.
There is not an easy fix for how you are feeling, I am more than willing to support you from a distance. Feel free to private message me.
Best,
Margaret
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Of course you would do anything for your mother as you are the dutiful daughter whose role it is to care. You're not to feel guilty for what your mother is like now, she's sick and when people are sick they can be mean, hurtful, demanding and confusing. Be very mindful of people who will swoop in and take advantage of your mother's circumstance because there's nothing worse than the hurt you'll feel then. I speak from personal experience. There is no harder job than what you're doing and if you feel you can't do it, don't! Don't worry about what other people might think, they don't know what it's like. You do.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hi LifesNotOver,
No, life is NOT over, it may just feel that way to you!

Wow, what a change in your life. You lived far away ("half way across the country"), probably for a long time. Your mom was only used to your phone calls and cards.
You have given up familiar surroundings, home, friends, possibly job or volunteer work to care for her. Did she ask you to come? Did you ask what would be involved before you moved? Did you plan what you would be doing with your life?

What you need to understand is that your brothers already had a "plan in place" of how they cared for your mom that you weren't part of. Now you ARE part of it. Maybe everyone thinks you have your own agenda and aren't taking into consideration what they did. Did you ask your mom and or brothers what they thought of you moving out BEFORE you moved? Do they seem to appreciate your help or is everybody defensive, resentful and angry? Like others have said, have you asked what you can do or did you assess the situation and go in with your own agenda?

As for burnout, I think you're overwhelmed. I was too when I brought my mother (with stage 6-7 Alzheimer's) home with me. Oh dear Lord, what did I do? The woman that I saw twice a week for 2 hours at the memory care facility was great. The woman that I moved in with me was a screaming, demanding, angry, confused person who required me doing everything for her, from feeding to toileting. I didn't REALIZE how much work she was and how heavy she was to care for. I wound up having to move her into another memory care facility because I wasn't physically able to continue to assist her. I also couldn't mentally cope with caring for a severely confused person and the constant questions, screaming, accusations, etc. What I'm trying to say is that maybe, like me, you really didn't know what you were getting into. Brothers (men in general) aren't very good at explaining situations, so you may have assumed how things were but, in reality, she's a lot different. Not your fault.

How was your relationship with your mother previously? Did you get along well?

You said you're frustrated with "things". What are they? Is anyone else frustrated with the same things? Maybe they like things the way they are and resent any "new opinions". Don't forget, this system has been in place for a long time. You're the "new kid in town". You need to be humble in front of those that have done it for years and in front of your mom, who hasn't been part of your life. The outsider has become the insider. You need to earn your place in the family, (however strange that sounds).

If, in a few months, if you still feel this way and can't "shake off" what you heard, and don't seem to be appreciated, then I would reconsider your offer to assist her. You may have to move (or at least back off caring for her) and she would transition into assisted living. It may save the sanity of both of you. Old people don't adjust well to change. We can consider ourselves in that statement too.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter