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Unless then, this is the way it is.
Their marriage is, I would guess, not a lot different than it has always been.
Am I correct here? Or has her husband, the father and dad in this situation, suddenly had a turning and become a cruel ogre?
I think that it is divisive to get in the middle of a marriage at end of life. I don't think you will win the struggle and think it may, in fact, cause a great deal of pain to the mom in this situation who is being asked at this age to run interference between a controlling husband, and her son and his wife.
Just my opinion.
Perhaps discuss with Dad how to plan a wonderful birthday for his wife. Ask him what you can get, what you can bring, if you can help him find a gift and etc.
Would be my advice.
I am certain there's much here I don't know.
But, yeah, ultimately you may be up against waiting for him to die if he's as horrific as you say he is and she is unwilling to stand up to him. It's a bit late for her to start that now.
It is, I will agree with you. Very sad. Just try not to make it worse for her. For all involved.
Try to corner Dad alone and say "Dad, I am trying to figure out decoration for a cake for Mom's BD. Any ideas?"
And you are right. You aren't alone. We have mixed families complaining quite a lot here. As Dr Laura likes to say, it isn't so much a mixed salad as a tossed ones when parent remarry.
It has happened on this forum where children, who have POA, have taken a parent out of the home and left the Step-parent for their children to care for.
If no one is his PoA then I would keep communicating with his kids and let them know you're worried about his cognitive state. They should know that if he has no PoA and refuses to assign one, he will very likely wind up under a court-appointed guardian (initiated through the county social services or APS). Been there, done this with my own SFIL even though I warned him this is how it would go down.
You might have to consider making a doc appointment for your Mom and just showing up to get take her and ignoring the husband. If he starts winding up you call 911 and tell them he is agitated and you suspect a medical cause, like a UTI or a stroke (do not say dementia). Hopefully they will take him to the ER.
At the ER tell the staff that he is an unsafe discharge because he isn't taking care of your Mom and you are her active PoA. At that point no one should retrieve him for any reason. While there ask to speak to a social worker about the situation and how to transition him into a facility. Or, you decide to not return your Mom to her home right away (and you can use a therapeutic fib such as her home has a gas leak and it's not safe to go back yet.).
You should also report him as a dangerous driver to the DMV. You can do it anonyously and online. I've done this for 4 elders in my family. The DMV will mail a letter instructing him to come in for a re-test (probably eye) but this differs by state. No one should tell him about this or help him make an appointment or take him to this appointment. Allow his license to lapse. Then consider removing or disabling the vehicle.
I had an Aunt married to a verbally (and probably physically) abusive man that she refused to leave. Eventually she developed ALZ and the jerk wouldn't take care of her needs so her sons finally scooped her up and rehomed her where he couldn't find her. He then went on a rampage and since money was his true love, he fell while at the bank and hit his head, resulting in a TBI after which he passed away. He was 91.
Second marriages can be fraught with all sorts of complications as the couple ages, especially when there are adult children on both sides. You must remember that you are her PoA and must act in her best interests. If that means separatiing her from him, so be it.
It will be hard at first, with lots of work but then things will get better once your Mom has the care she needs and the husband is also getting appropriate care or is at least on APS's radar. I wish you success in getting a handle on things for your Mom's sake.
"Don't interfere!" Is a common complaint.
He *may* open up - if instead of taking anything over, he hears you want to THANK him for such good care of your Mother so far.
Hopefully then, he may hear your suggestion to lighten their load - of boring or back-breaking tasks. Message: they earned it! To take some weight off YOU Sir! Delegate some boring or back teaking tasks to a house-cleaner or yard-person.
I have no idea to whether his thinking is ok, slightly impaired or getting paranoid. It may be he is overwhelmed & stressed. So he is shutting people out. Just him & his wife, at home, like always.
He may not be ready to let you drive his bus (& he may never.. ) but if you gain his trust, he *may* let you up front to help steer.