By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
It has happened on this forum where children, who have POA, have taken a parent out of the home and left the Step-parent for their children to care for.
If no one is his PoA then I would keep communicating with his kids and let them know you're worried about his cognitive state. They should know that if he has no PoA and refuses to assign one, he will very likely wind up under a court-appointed guardian (initiated through the county social services or APS). Been there, done this with my own SFIL even though I warned him this is how it would go down.
You might have to consider making a doc appointment for your Mom and just showing up to get take her and ignoring the husband. If he starts winding up you call 911 and tell them he is agitated and you suspect a medical cause, like a UTI or a stroke (do not say dementia). Hopefully they will take him to the ER.
At the ER tell the staff that he is an unsafe discharge because he isn't taking care of your Mom and you are her active PoA. At that point no one should retrieve him for any reason. While there ask to speak to a social worker about the situation and how to transition him into a facility. Or, you decide to not return your Mom to her home right away (and you can use a therapeutic fib such as her home has a gas leak and it's not safe to go back yet.).
You should also report him as a dangerous driver to the DMV. You can do it anonyously and online. I've done this for 4 elders in my family. The DMV will mail a letter instructing him to come in for a re-test (probably eye) but this differs by state. No one should tell him about this or help him make an appointment or take him to this appointment. Allow his license to lapse. Then consider removing or disabling the vehicle.
I had an Aunt married to a verbally (and probably physically) abusive man that she refused to leave. Eventually she developed ALZ and the jerk wouldn't take care of her needs so her sons finally scooped her up and rehomed her where he couldn't find her. He then went on a rampage and since money was his true love, he fell while at the bank and hit his head, resulting in a TBI after which he passed away. He was 91.
Second marriages can be fraught with all sorts of complications as the couple ages, especially when there are adult children on both sides. You must remember that you are her PoA and must act in her best interests. If that means separatiing her from him, so be it.
It will be hard at first, with lots of work but then things will get better once your Mom has the care she needs and the husband is also getting appropriate care or is at least on APS's radar. I wish you success in getting a handle on things for your Mom's sake.
"Don't interfere!" Is a common complaint.
He *may* open up - if instead of taking anything over, he hears you want to THANK him for such good care of your Mother so far.
Hopefully then, he may hear your suggestion to lighten their load - of boring or back-breaking tasks. Message: they earned it! To take some weight off YOU Sir! Delegate some boring or back teaking tasks to a house-cleaner or yard-person.
I have no idea to whether his thinking is ok, slightly impaired or getting paranoid. It may be he is overwhelmed & stressed. So he is shutting people out. Just him & his wife, at home, like always.
He may not be ready to let you drive his bus (& he may never.. ) but if you gain his trust, he *may* let you up front to help steer.
Unless then, this is the way it is.
Their marriage is, I would guess, not a lot different than it has always been.
Am I correct here? Or has her husband, the father and dad in this situation, suddenly had a turning and become a cruel ogre?
I think that it is divisive to get in the middle of a marriage at end of life. I don't think you will win the struggle and think it may, in fact, cause a great deal of pain to the mom in this situation who is being asked at this age to run interference between a controlling husband, and her son and his wife.
Just my opinion.
Perhaps discuss with Dad how to plan a wonderful birthday for his wife. Ask him what you can get, what you can bring, if you can help him find a gift and etc.
Would be my advice.
I am certain there's much here I don't know.
But, yeah, ultimately you may be up against waiting for him to die if he's as horrific as you say he is and she is unwilling to stand up to him. It's a bit late for her to start that now.
It is, I will agree with you. Very sad. Just try not to make it worse for her. For all involved.
Try to corner Dad alone and say "Dad, I am trying to figure out decoration for a cake for Mom's BD. Any ideas?"
And you are right. You aren't alone. We have mixed families complaining quite a lot here. As Dr Laura likes to say, it isn't so much a mixed salad as a tossed ones when parent remarry.