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Get her in a senior complex or apartment where there would be other people she could talk to and get involved with.
My thoughts, you are NOT a bad daughter, you probably are saving your daughter mother relationship by not moving her in.
I've read about people who are in counseling and taking antidepressants just to put up with this stuff. Assisted Living is the way to go. Save yourself and your family!!
My parents have been married for 70 years. I dread the day when one of them goes and other goes right away. But in this interim time, there is so much to do. My sister and her husband help me when they can, but I am on disability. But they fill in in a pinch,
It is very difficult, no matter who careful and how gentle you are.
At first things were great. She was in early stages of her illness. She played well with my girls, who were 2 and 6 at the time. But now, she is demanding. She fights with my older daughter, now 9. She is always demeaning her, telling her how fat she is (though she's not at all), telling her she eats too much, or picking "fights" with her. One time she even slapped my daughter. The little one, who she loves to death and claims as her own, can do no wrong... which is also a slap in the face to my older daughter.
Since she's been here, she has been in the hospital three times with heart problems. She would have died if she'd been alone.
Anyway, my point is to think very hard about the impact on your family. We cannot take trips out of town. We've not been on vacation in over 3 years. If I leave the house to go shopping alone (just to get some ME time), she gets mad because she says I've "abandoned" her.
I know there has to be some good retirement centers that you can check out. She will be with people her own age that she can do things with. And you... you and your family will continue to have YOUR life.
thank you for your support....
my mom has been upset with me lately, she said to me today, she doesn't believe the things i say. i am never in her corner, i always take other peoples side and i don't even know them. she can't believe i can be that way and how she can't believe she raised me to be like this. she said others have said i am strong and she is agrees. she said i will be fine..
i sad mom i don't like to see you upset and she says she is like that all the time.
i asked her to talk to a therapist, she doesn't want to pay someone to tell her how bad her life has been. she won't take any other anxiety meds except zantax, which doesn't seem like it is enough.
i have such a hard time moving on after she does this to me...she has me crying and upset. i started seeing a therapist and she said a phone call 2 times a week is fine.
i can't believe i am mean like my mom says. i work in health care and feel like i am caring. my mom has no friends she goes out with and she is 62 years old. i always upset her, i am so lost how to help her....
she says i upset her...i think of her 24/7 and just don't know what to do for her...
she lives in the past and talks about how hard her life has been..
i have to live in the present!
help!
Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, I want her to be happy and live her life.
I was full time caregiver for my Mom, my Mom is now in a NH, and it's still hard.
I will never do that to my child.
When the time comes that I can't live alone, I want to go to a NH, not put my burden on my child.
I love her too much for that.
same here.
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult and crazy making this behavior is.
It's not you. Just know that. It's not you.
Tell your mom, 'Mom, it is not OK for you to talk to me like that.' and then back it up and disengage from the situation. You don't have to be upset, just disengage.
Good luck,
Bobbie
i called my uncle (my mom brother) i said mom is mad at me and he said why this time??
and i told him if he ever felt that i was not being fair or not taking care of my mom to let me know.
he completely understands and is very supportive of me!!
i just needed to hear it from my family because, when your mother tells you things it is very hard and hurtful and i would never treat my daughter this way>>
i love my mom but it has been hard when i was a young adult and now it seems to be the hardest.
i am going to continue working with the therapist she is nice and says that i have to stop trying to make my mom happy and she looks to me for my feelings....which is hard for me but i think she is going to be good for me!
thanks so much for listening.....my husband of course would probably thank you too!!!
I feel terrible about this but still I think about it--ok here it is !!!
Just don't go there anymore--forget about it.
I love my Mom , so why do I even think like that????
Nance and bobbie I'm with you.
I have to say I don't know how my sister and her family have lived in my moms home for so long, (16 yrs) I know I couldn't do it, and especially now I am grateful I have my own place to run and hide too.
but i just can't go on like this crying anymore!
it is upsetting me and my children it isn't fair.....
but who says life is fair, right???
I know you will be alright because you have a wonderful heart!
i just wish my mom saw it--
why do we seek approval from our moms so much!
you do not hear any whining sons??
lcg
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
of course you know you're not alone in thinking that way. I tried staying away from my mom when she was acting out and treating me like crap. That went on for years and I was so torn with trying to take care of her and trying to take care of myself and not get lost in her drama.
Well, I'm lost in her drama. She's on the other side of acting like a fool and she's just a sweet old lady with dementia now, but I'm still cleaning up her messes.
I figure I'm in it and that's it. Sometimes it feels pretty hopeless so don't feel bad for having the thoughts of an intelligent individual that resents being trapped.
Bobbie
Taking on a parent with a family in place is very difficult especially if you don't have help.
she is not happy with doctors, we talk and i make appointments for her, change my work schedule and she said how about the other doctor and i don't want to do it anymore. how about she wants to look for a dog, and she buys the items and looks to pick it up over the weekend after i go with her to look at the dog, (this is about the 5th dog she has wanted, i am embarrassed to go in to the pet shop again). i ask her to go to dinner, she says its too crowded and we go to the mall-which is fine. i can't do it anymore. she is unhappy with her life she told me i have it better than her and everyone in her family has it better than her and she is the only one who has to work when she is sick. she is worried about finances but i can't make these major decisions for her..an attorney told her she needed a therapist, the pharmacist said to me,she either comes in crying or screaming. this is not me, i am seeing a therapist because my mom won't and she said i need to stop trying to make my mom happy. she doesn't want to be happy. and now the therapist is going to help me, see i am an only child and my mothers family is not local. she keeps saying she has no one to help her, no one to take care of her. she is 62 y/o and able to work (did i mention she hates her job) but it is hard but what would she do at home if she doesn't socialize. i don't know what to do??? but yes you are right she is lonely and afraid of her future....but what am i suppost to do??
When my dad was at home, he would call me every few minutes - lived minutes away, mind you... forgetting he'd call, demanding something. He doesn't have a phone at the nursing home so that has stopped despite some wanting him to have a cell - something else for him to keep up with.
He is taken care of... I couldn't do it. He is critical and so negative. You are an only child I see so I can't imagine... I am the only daughter and here so I can relate very little. At least you don't have the critical eye of siblings. That can be more trouble than it's worth.
Praying for you today... !