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Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, I want her to be happy and live her life.
I was full time caregiver for my Mom, my Mom is now in a NH, and it's still hard.
I will never do that to my child.
When the time comes that I can't live alone, I want to go to a NH, not put my burden on my child.
I love her too much for that.
thank you for your support....
my mom has been upset with me lately, she said to me today, she doesn't believe the things i say. i am never in her corner, i always take other peoples side and i don't even know them. she can't believe i can be that way and how she can't believe she raised me to be like this. she said others have said i am strong and she is agrees. she said i will be fine..
i sad mom i don't like to see you upset and she says she is like that all the time.
i asked her to talk to a therapist, she doesn't want to pay someone to tell her how bad her life has been. she won't take any other anxiety meds except zantax, which doesn't seem like it is enough.
i have such a hard time moving on after she does this to me...she has me crying and upset. i started seeing a therapist and she said a phone call 2 times a week is fine.
i can't believe i am mean like my mom says. i work in health care and feel like i am caring. my mom has no friends she goes out with and she is 62 years old. i always upset her, i am so lost how to help her....
she says i upset her...i think of her 24/7 and just don't know what to do for her...
she lives in the past and talks about how hard her life has been..
i have to live in the present!
help!
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
Ask yourself this - if Mom did what she could and you did not feel guilty about not being able to absolutely everything for her, could life with her be good again? If not, then your brother has a point, and she would not be less happy than she is now by moving to assisted living, where she also might not feel as entitled to having everything done for her. Lots of people have some sense that they can't run a staff member ragged 24x7 but a son or daughter they see as owing it to them. You can't right now imagine it, because of the false guilt, but she and you might both be happier with her in assisted living, and she might not be entitled to have the deciding vote on it. But, if that is not what you want, and you thing you can change some things, then by all means set limits that make your life with mom not just tolerable but livable. Think outside the box of guilt you have been living in. I know that is easier said than done. And do realize that "self-absorbed" is a product of fear, illness, depression, and waning social and empathy skills. There may be medication and.or counseling that would help with that too.
I have never had an easy relationship with my mom but during that time it was very difficult and we lost our tempers frequently because my dad made all the decisions financially ( really bad decisions). He told me he was sorry that he never taught her anything but that her anxiety and ruminating constantly deterred him from talking to her. She gets angry very easily which was why I left home and never went back as soon as I left for school, which I worked almost full time hours to pay myself in order to be independent.
At the same time my husband my dad was dying he was dealing with his mothers sickness and subsequent death at 64yrs old across the country. The toll of it all,including my mothers anger and needing to learn to live independently at 55 yrs old has been difficult. She doesn't drive and refuses now to even take transit now at 69 yrs old and in reasonable health. She has acted 80 most of the time she has been widowed, with me taking her shopping every week to get groceries and liquor and going to her non urgent doctor visits, which she insists I go in with her for. Over the years we have not always treated each other with due respect, but I am working on it.
I went back and upgraded my degree so I could get a better job at 45 yrs old and now I have a career. My mom has decided she needs to live with me because they are phasing out her subsidized housing and the housing market is becoming out of reach to buy and rental unit availability is 1 percent vacancy.. I can not see her on the streets, but having her living with me would be almost intolerable. Even if we got another unit with three bedrooms they are tiny and have 30 steps. The only bathroom even has steps up and down to it, which could be problematic for even my husband and I in the future. Mom is use to having things her own way and I know it would take a toll on my health and marriage. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
One of my SIL's moved 10,000 miles away from my MIL (literally, I mean - she went to Australia). The other, like you, is holding out from ten minutes away thanks to a lovely husband and adamant ground rules. But don't underestimate the strain of keeping those barriers in place.
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