Any advice on dealing with the feeling that I've lost my life?

GUILT??? oh yah...we aaaallll feel sooooo guilty for NOT doing enough, esp when we are doing everything!!! Guilty feelings last a few years....after that....H*LL NO!! Do the best you can and DON'T lose yourself in the process!!!

I can relate to what you are feeling. Besides living with elderly parents I am trying to start a business. There are many times that I wonder if I'll ever get my own life back. My mother just turned 90 and my dad is 88. They depend on me and not my sibling. There are times when I could just scream? It took lots,of courage but now I try to make time for me. If I need to do something I do it. Guilt was a problem with me but no longer. Stay strong!

This is an awful situation for you. I am grateful that my mom is 81 and lives on her own but she still drives me MAD :-) to the extent that I had similar feelings you have ('When am I going to have my own life') tho' I am lucky, lucky, lucky in comparison. The only advice I can give is what I took myself: draw boundaries and MAKE time for yourself. You can't help her if you're in a bad place (emotionally or physically) yourself. I believe she can feel this negative energy in some way; it's good for neither of you. Is there any chance that some spark of negativity is causing her depression/ distress? I understand that you can't move somewhere where the climate is bad for her health but have you really though it through? Buy some extra heaters. I sound flippant but I don't mean to be. I think it is IMPERATIVE that you do something soon. You know, if your mom really knew how you felt, she'd be devastated because she probably wants more than anything in the world for you to be happy. Be her friend and be honest about what you want. She might perk up at being able to be part of a new phase in your life.

1Good Girl is right. When the Agency on Aging suggested that I put my mom in AL, I thought it was impossible! The adviser said to me, "She will adapt." I believed her. She had so much experience. My mom went into AL and she adapted.

I know it us easier said than done...but u MUST DO something before its too late. I have put my needs and wants on the back burner fir almost 6 years ever since my Dad got dementia and other health problems. Now u have 2 tumors one might be cancerous and I gave 2 doctors insist I get an MRI. and i am sooo burnt out I just don't even care its been 3 yrs they look at me as if I am crazy!! I feel so depressed I dont even know where to start.6 years of neglecting my health has almost killed me!! Please dont do the same. Maybe we can all help each other threw support. Take good care of yourself! !

Hi Tillman..its me again good girl. If u want to move MOVE I have been thinking about u your position and mine.you know the saying when an airplane is going down the mom in this case the care giver MUST take care of yourself first bc if u dont u wont be THERE to help take care if anyone. Your mom will adapt how about renting or leasing for a year or 6 months and see how it goes? ?? As far as talking to friends yes YOU can but its been my experience that unless someone has walked in your shoes they wont really understand and it can be more frustrating than its worth.I really wish all of us could get on the phone once a week and have a support group!! Remember when your mother decided to have a child she wanted what was best for you!! If she understood how ur feeling she would tell u to do what is best for YOU!!! SHE WOULD NOT WANT U TO BE MISERABLE ABD WITHOUT A LIFE!!! I AM SURE SHE CAN ADAPT TO THE EAST I LIVE IN NJ I think you have to stop putting her needs and wants in front of.ur own

Hi Tillman I am a 54 yr old female in the exact same position. My mom moved in with me almost 4 yrs ago.I have all the stress and responsibility and to make matters worse I have two siblings..one does very little abd the other nothing!!! I am extremely depressed and anxious and angry I am also disabled to a degree and I feel this ia Not fair!! I also feel NOTHING is appreciated I have SO MUCH I HAVEN'T DONE FOR MYSELF I AM AFRAID I WILL NEVER GET CAUGHT UP..IF U EVER LIKE TO SPEAK LET ME KNOW. I KNOW HOW HHORRIBLE. All this can be...take care. Or try to

Well, after the holidays, I did write a document up for my mother that outlined how things were going to be handled with living with us, how her finances were being handled, and what her monthly allowance would be for spending as she pleases. That solved a lot of issues for me because I wanted her to clearly understand what my role was, and was hers was. I also purchased one of those Medical Alert buttons for her so if I had to go to the store, help was close at hand. So, I do feel better about that. My husband has been entirely supportive and does his share of helping on every level. Thank goodness that my husband is fairly domestic and does not mind making supper, folding clothes and even does all the vacuuming, including my mother's room. My fear for him, though, like myself, is that we see this weird behavior of my mother and her poutiness, untruthfulness, and everything else that bothers us, and we change because of it, in a negative way. My recent thought is to go ahead and consider moving my mother to a supportive living arrangement. I don't want to see my relationship with my husband to diminish, nor the relationships with my kids and grandkids. I hate to admit it, but I really think my mother would be better off with other people who are her age and can benefit from friendly conversation on a regular basis. It doesn't mean that she cannot visit here or we go to lunch or coffee, but it would allow her some dignity to do as she pleases without feeling like she is trapped as I think she feels while being here. I am sure she feels from frustration and I feel hers.

DonnaDear, I see from a post back in December of 2014 that you mentioned an upcoming meeting between your brother, your husband and yourself to get things out on the table. How did that meeting go?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/obligation-providing-detailed-expense-documentation-175091.htm

Is there any way that you could use some of your mother's money to hire some caregivers to come in during the day and give you a break?

What does your husband feel and think about all of this?

Please find some ways to take care of yourself otherwise you may well sink into a hole that you may not emerge from on several different levels.

I find it overwhelming to hear of the various problems with dealing with parents who need our care, and then, combining it with mental or social issues.....and then our own needs as well. I have been dealing with my own entrapment and trying to unravel myself from sinking into a hole that I may never emerge from. I think it might be best to create a journal that lists things that I do each day for me. However, I don't want it to turn me into a self-engrossed individual, but I do want to see concrete evidence that I am not turning into a crazy person as a result of all of this, nor do I want to become resentful and angry either. I will list what is important to me and number what it is. Each time I make an entry into my journal, I will notate the number and what I did to ensure that I am in keeping with my goals and needs and perhaps what moves I have made to move in the right direction. Sometimes, it is our own minds that keeps us locked into a situation and trying to understand our own limitations might help toward resolution, even if it is not the one you think you deserve. Keep the faith - I wish everyone the best of solutions and please know that I think positive thoughts about all of you, all of the time.

i am 55 yrs. old...lost my home (husband's location unknown....alcoholic, gambled away all monies); no children; haven't worked outside of home in a million yrs.(financially very comfortable for 20 + yrs.) living with elderly ailing parents (upper middle class previously...living on social security presently) in their home...lucky to have roof over my head; mom's health worsening (dementia, diabetes,depression) dad is 85 and has cardiac condition, understandably difficult time dealing with mom's care; i have no income, no insurance...did not expect this to be situation after 4 yrs....i cannot even think of what the future holds; parents & i have always been very, very close....financially and emotionally am honoring their wishes to care for them, but also grateful for roof and food. most days fine, but becoming increasingly burnt out with demands 24-7; happy if i have half an hour to shower. don't even know why i am writing except today was exceptionally difficult day...selfishly i am so tired; i have become absolutely isolated from friends, i don't have the energy or inclination to contemplate dressing up and acting happy (what the hell would i even talk about...i was a very social person)... i don't even take phone calls, i have nothing to say, and do not want to complain...i am not a victim, i am just a bit overwhelmed? do not suggest nursing homes, ethnic families do not ever have others care for family....so sad to see what we have all lost and become.....we were fun, happy, lucky for so many years...traveled...all normal things....this is sad, mostly for my wonderful parents....life without them is beyond me....i vascilate between being petrified at being homeless to honestly not caring any longer what happens....pathetic at this point. thank you for letting me vent....still have a sense of humor thank God on good days....laugh or die! not looking for aid/help...i'll survive, quality of life is irrelevent....i had a great life....dethroned princess....lol....awwwww poor me. ;) much thanks...good luck to all of you.

I totally identify with others on this site and ma so glad I found it. I am caring for my father who is 89. I came with a suitcase Oct 2013 and have been here in his house ever since, except for one month when a sister took over. I/we saved his life and got him out of pain and now that opens up a whole new dilemma. Where will he live?

Caring for him is not a one person job. Oh for the days when family was all around and he might even have been in a room in a big family house. But these days, it is me, the oldest girl, 67, unmarried and no kids, who is trying to do everything. We can get a little help through the VA or private pay - can't afford round the clock - but that is just a drop in the bucket as there is so much to his care. Appointments, drs orders, prescriptions, shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting supplies, handling all mail and correspondence, finances, special needs such as wound treatments, thickened liquids for dysphasia, catheter problems when they crop up, urine bag drainage, helping to dress, bathe, shave, transport to drs and just to get out, exercises advised by the physical therapists. Phone calls, house maintainance, snow shoveling and yardwork, All personal care - bowel movements in the middle of the night, and all his little wants and needs that happen all day long. It is quite endless. I have no time at all for myself really. Can't watch a show all the way through, can't read a book except in little segments, too tired at night to take do these things and take care of my own personal care and business - have to work it in whenever I can which is not often. Still have my apt in Tucson and friend is there helping with costs, but wonder if I am crazy for keeping it. Probably.

He was hospitalized 6 times in the last year - bleeding ulcers, severe anemia, 4 or 5 pneumonias sometimes along with the other things, and now a total hip replacement with special rules about that. He is home but I am wondering how long I can really do this and what to do about it.
He is a veteran - I am going to explore what they can offer. I did get him into their health system and into the veterans Aid and Attendance program but his income is just that little tad too high and they did not even seem to look at all of his many medical expenses. Waiting for an explanation on that - 3 months now.
I think he needs some kind of nursing home - VA or otherwise. I will be investigating that as I get time to - very hard under the circumstances.

I go from feeling like I am doing a great thing and good job, to feeling sorry for myself and resentful as at his age he mostly just has needs like a child and is not very aware of mine. I do feel like I have lost my life, but so far I can put up with it as I think this is so important. But I don't know how long I can do that. He is smart and kind - no dimentia - and loves all of us "kids" and grandkids, but very OCD, very stubborn and set in his ways and it is quite hard to deal with on a daily basis with all the little things that have to be just so. It has worked for him though - he lives simply and carefully and it has worked for him. I can't really say the same. Love him dearly, but looking for a future plan that will keep him going, but will also let me also have my own life back.
I am more motivated now when I hear the stories of some that have gone on for years this way. Thanks!
m

Deegeebee, you said it so well. I still feel like a visitor after five years. There is nothing of mine around me except the rabbits. I have my two rooms, but they are filled with my parents' things. And Lord help us if I suggest getting rid of things so I can build my own life.

I haven't had a bath in 5 years, because all there is is a walk-in shower. I like baths, not showers. I feel like I'm a resident in someone else's nursing home.

Funny thing is that whenever she wants me to do something in the house, she'll tell me that it is my house. Whenever she doesn't want me to do something, it is her house. Most of the time it is her house and her everything. There's no me at all here except the rabbits.

I can definitely relate to you. I moved back into my mother's house in 2010 after my father passed away. At the time it seemed like a win win situation for us both. I could save money and she wouldn't have to leave her home. The problem is that I didn't think it through nor did I really think I would still be in this situation 4 years later. Due to other circumstances I have not had a real home of my own since 2007 for longer than a few months at a time. Even thought my situation is very tolerable in many ways I am becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that I am living like a 90yr old. I try to stay in gratitude and remind myself daily that I have great supportive siblings, live in sitters, my mother has financial security, I have a good job, and many other things I could list. But sometimes I just feel like it is time to acknowledge that this may not be the healthiest living arrangement for either one of us. I have been thinking it is time to seek some advice and guidance from a therapist and am thinking you might benefit from outside help as well. I am just grateful to see a post from someone else who moved into a parent's home. Most of the posts I see are from those who had the elder move into their home. And for me it is getting old living with all of my things stuffed into one room and feeling like I am in the way of the sitters any time I need to go into a common area.

Please excuse my grammatical errors in the above post. I guess there is no "edit" feature? :/

For those who say you will do anything for a family member, maybe you don't "get it". My 85 year old mom has been living in our house for 27 years. We took her in when she was destitute, and "old", so she would have a place to live. I am now older now than she was then. My mom now has bone marrow cancer, is completely deaf (hearing aids wont work), blind in one eye, and incontinent. She relies on me for everything. I had a successful weekends only business that I have given up because I can't leave her home alone because she might fall again, and relies on me to feed her and give her her medications. I live in a relatively rural area, and was told by the state that I am entitled to 22 hours of outside help because of her needs, but the state with has only one agency available to deal with in our area, and they have only one woman who covers our area, and she only works weekdays. Additionally, she only has a maximum availability of 6 hours a week, and that's when she doesn't call out. She is elderly herself.
My sister, who lives 5 minutes away, is too busy living her life to take my mom to any doctor appointments, prepare her any meals, do her laundry, etc., etc. Her answer when I ask for more help is to put mom in a nursing home. My mom has absolutely no dementia, and was in nursing homes for physical therapy where she claims she was physically abused by staff. Needless to say, she has no intention of every returning to a nursing home. I have times when I feel better, but often feel trapped and hopeless. I do get it.

I can see clearly how your life feels tumbling away out of control knowing one day you will be old too and then all the windows of questions open and open. Seek respite care they offer it at nursing/assisted living & care agencies. Move your life to the location that makes your heart beat. You must live to help another live

geo...no one is critizing pbfloyd. people are suggesting...sometimes we need to be in incredible pain before we consider any new options. because others have walked in these shoes...all suggestions are given with a lot of love for the person going thru their personal hell...alone.

Lots of love pbfloyd....keep posting!

While I do see your point, sometimes people really just need a safe place to vent and be unjudged.

Canttellu, what a frightening day. Please let us know what happened. I hope your mother is all right and your dad was able to get his food while you tended her. What a stressful position to be in.

geo123, who is critizing? Your point is well taken. We should respect the choices of others.

At the same time, when someone is very clear about being miserable, it s not unrealistic to ask about the possibility for change. Change is very hard--especially changing our minds. But many of us become "stuck" in a bad situation because we can't find the right push to get our minds changed.

This board is full of people who claim to be miserable and stuck. I stick by my point, it is time for gentle pushes in the form of suggestions and questions.

I don't think we should be criticizing pbfloyd over her choice. She's said she couldn't bring herself to put her mom in a nursing home. Some people feel that way about it, others don't. Let's just respect her choice and give her a place where she can vent without us criticizing her choices.

pbfloyd, my situation isn't like yours but I do go through some of what you're talking about. I'm glad you have the two days and hope that those days help you get through this. I am also self-employed and I find that I really do have to get out for my own mental health, because I really am here with mom too much.

But we also have limited resources. I'm trying to find more things that I could do from home that would be fun and/or relaxing for me. It's hard, though. Reading is tough because Mom always seems to need something and I make it through few pages. Sometimes, I can hide from her for a bit. I like jigsaw puzzles and she actually likes helping me do those. But it's still hard to find the right things.

PBfloyd,

You sound very depressed and truly on the edge. It pains me to think of your situation. You need to get help. Can anyone from your church help you out a bit? Maybe just for a few hours a week? I feel your pain and frustration and will keep you in my prayers.

You wrote: Couldn't bring myself to move her in to nursing home.

Again, have said it elsewhere, I have to say, why not? What is so terrible about these places? She will get her meds and food and be safe. You can visit. True, it is not ideal but is the current situation ideal? We need to make decisions that are best for ALL, not just one.

pbfloyd, what kept you and keeps you from placing your mother in a nursing home? It sounds like she would qualify for medicaid.

Totally understand. I am a 57 yr old female, divorced, caring for my 94 yr old mom. Moved her in w/me back in March. She ran out of money after living in assisted living for 3 1/2 yrs. Couldn't bring myself to move her in to nursing home. I am also self employed. Work from home 95% of the time. Work away from home one day a week & go to church one day on the weekend. Have to hire a caregiver service for those days. Can't afford more days. Living very tight financially...both of us. The stress is heavy. I am burnt out. I cry over nothing. Totally overwhelmed. Have no friends. Don't want to be here anymore. Not suicidal. Even though I pray, study, listen to sermons online. I am still irritable, impatient, short tempered, drowning in self pity. I am a mess. SO need a break. A real break. No break in sight. Seems hopeless.

My worst fear happened today. My Mom woke up with chest pain, dizziness and pain all over. Thankfully, I worked from home today. I rushed her to the hospital and had to leave my Dad at home and cancel his drs appt. He is a Type 2 Diabetic. I didn't have time to fix him something to eat, so I called him and tried to convince him to eat, but he has conjestive heart failure and really bad arthritis so he doesn't want to get up. I'm hoping he will and I don't find him on the floor when I get home.

Cmag I am on Wellbutrin and back on Xanax. My primary refilled my trazadone
and antidepressant. So for now I should be ok until I get a referral. Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts

fligirl58, I am sorry to hear about your very frustrating day and night. Your doctor really should have adjusted your depression and anxiety meds. Does this doctor know what they are doing? If not, you might need another one. If you don't mind my asking, what depression and anxiety meds does he have you on and at what dose? Hugs, prayers and love.

I keep saying the same thing, I am so overwhelmed that I am seriously getting scared of everything. I tried to break my lamp last night because I was so angry. I am going through some doctor stuff for myself and it just seems that they make it so difficult to just keep what is working. They are always trying to send you to another specialist that I do not need. My depression and anxiety is what I need help with and I am literally swearing at the office people and crying to the insurance company to get it straightened out. I know you get more with honey but sometimes thats all I have are tears. I don't know how much more I can take.

Thanks cmagnum, but I do know that. I was just responding with my own current situation to illustrate to the person posting that they are not alone.