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I am a 54yo man caring for my 84 year old mother - moved her in 3 years ago. She is a wonderful and kind person -- not abusive or angry -- she instead tends towards depression -- and -- every year that passes I become more aware of how much I am giving up. I am afraid that by the time she passes, I will have nothing left physically or emotionally to build my own life. I just have no energy left over for proactively engaging in my now life anymore. I am treading water with my business (self-employed) and am actually grateful I have no kids, because there is barely any energy left for me. A big part of the issue is that I am still living in a community I would have left years ago except for her being here. My preference would be to live much further north (USA) where the climate would not be good for her at all. I also love traveling and feel most at home in a much bigger city, and having her with me in a city would be intolerable. I feel I am on the edge of burnout. I have access to good friends and counselors, and, I'm beginning to feel a sense of hopelessness that really scares me. Thanks for your insights.

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I know what you are talking about. Life slips by day by day and there doesn't seem to be any good answers. Booker T. Washington once said something very wise: "Cast your bucket where you stand." I am trying to take that approach and figure out how to rebuild my life where I am now. It is easier to write that than it is to figure out what to do.
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Is your mother on an antipdepression med? Are you seeing a counselor for your depression? If not, I think you should.
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You sound like my sister. She died suddenly at 69 and Mother has outlived her. I begged my sister not to throw her life away, stressing over Mother. They did not live together, but were tethered through the telephone. Now, mother is fine (actually excellent) receiving full time care, nutrition, and baths at the NH.

Who is going to care for you, if your business isn't growing? You need to think about your own retirement.

I did move away. My mother would have done the same thing and always lived where she wanted. Good luck to you. Maybe the new year will give you strength to make some changes.
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I completely understand! I am 48 years old had a career and a part time job at night was doing really well, bought a new car. When I left my jobs to take care of my Mom. I had bills, unemployment, bankruptcy, friends who do not get it., and no life. I never get to do anything outside anymore, I can't even brush my teeth or go the bathroom w/o her calling me for something. Have the time I don't get a bath. I have been sleeping on the couch in the living room with her for 14 years now! We have a 5 bedroom house. The answer to your question is Yes you have no life and you won't until its all over I know. Sorry its true and don't expect anybody to understand it they are too busy with their lives they are LIVING.
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I'm 59 and my mother has been with me for 9 years. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you. All I can suggest is that you try to get out and do something for yourself. Don't become invisible because of her. You are still young. Take a class, go to the library, get a hobby....something that you can throw yourself into. I feel like these years have been robbed from me too, I lost my privacy and she treats my home as though it were hers. I have shameful feelings of wishing she would die. I'm sorry, but it is what it is. Best of luck to you...let us know how you are doing!
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You haven't lost your life, you have exchanged it for another life which is very draining. Dealing with the feeling??? I am with cmag - get some help for your depression.

In my view, you need to be successful at work, planning for your own old age and building your own life, living where you want to be.

You made a choice to give that up and live with your mother and are finding it hard. It is hard. Any kind of care giving is hard.

You still have choices - to get help for your depression, to examine the roots of it and make changes in your life, to stay as you are.

Many seniors do well in assisted living arrangements. There is Medicaid for those who cannot afford to pay If your mother does not need much care, she can stay in her home for now and helpers can be hired. There are lots of options. Looks like you need to consider them.

I am a distance caregiver for my mother who is 102. I still help her, look after her finances, see she has the care she needs, but am not available 24/7 and I have a life of my own, It can be done. Good luck.
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tallman, I know what you mean, even though I don't have my parents under my roof nor me under their roof, I am still an extension for things they need that they can no longer do. After going on 6 years of being their extension, I am burnt out.

Is your Mom feeling lonely? If so, any chance of her wanting to go to adult day care [seniors meeting seniors] and enjoying what the community center has to offer? That would give you much more *me* time for your business and yourself.

I know for my parents, I can't even take a vacation, or go to the movies, or even dine out because my Dad tends to fall, and Mom gets overwhelmed as she can no longer hear very well or see... calling 911 isn't on her radar, she calls me or my sig other. What scared me is that my parents might live to be 100... that's not unusual today. I probably wouldn't live to see that. Then they would probably decide it's a good idea to move to a retirement home.... [sigh].
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If,need be get a caregiver,to come in for the day(on weekends)Or? It,get's you,out.
I,used to be a live in caretaker.Now;Sis and I,&hubby,care for my mom.Iam, 61 and,don't need many,outings.I,like to stay home.You,need to get out,here&there Best of luck HUGS
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Oh how I feel for you.....I am now 56, was 53 when my Mama, age 87 at the time, and also at the time totally independent, fell down her basement stairs, sustained a severe brain injury and I immediately left my job/career, put my home up for sale, took our my 401K and moved back to my hometown to care for her 24/7 in her home. I have no children either and am unmarried, so that was not an issue I had to consider. Looking back, was it the right thing for me to do?? Most people who know me told me NO from the start. Mama did not ever want me to do it either...BUT...like your Mom, mine was always such a good Mama and sweet Christian woman, it was never even a consideration for me to put her in a NH. I'm not saying this is what everyone should do but it was what I had to do.

Going forward..I have gone through every emotion to severe depression, to failing health, to feeling older than my Mama, to joy, to depression, to despair, to extreme loneliness, to contentment, in short...just bouncing all over the map in emotion and as the years go by (going on four now) having moments where it seems the clock is ticking faster and faster and my life is going down the tubes....Mama seems to ebb and flow mentally in her now advanced dementia and but her physical health is basically good.

I wish I had some words of wisdom...one thing I do note is you say you have friends whom you can access...BY ALL MEANS DO THAT!!!! That is one thing I have NOT had...I have pretty much been alone throughout this journey....

I finally did go to a doctor myself and get back on depression meds and that has helped...a LOT....also, I am trying to just keep the faith and know that tomorrow is not promised for any of us. I believe if I knew then what i know now I would do no different. Many times I still think I am losing my mind...or maybe already lost it. While I have never laid a hand on Mama, I have had moments of what I can only call rage where the feelings seemed so out of control I just went to a different room and got a hold of myself...But overall, I WANT to be here for her. She has always been good to me...was and is always my best friend. I don't know what the future holds...really none of us do...but I do believe God will help me do this if I just take it one day at a time. Again, my situation is different from a lot of folks, so I'm not saying my advice is worth a toot for anything...but do believe I am blessed to be here...and I know that I am going to be OK. I knew that going in so I guess that's why I didn't think beyond it, just did it....Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, keep in touch with friends and ask them for help when you need it...get counseling if you think that would help...and this site is an excellent resource....Best wishes.
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I do not get a lot of these answers if you love the individual "family member" you will do anything for them. As for the one who said take a class or get out LOL you do not get it or you are only doing this part time!
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Congratulations on taking the first step and asking for help. I would recommend maybe getting companion care a couple days a weeks or maybe even adult day care which would allow you to focus on your business and yourself a little more. Many assisted living facilities will allow you to have your mom stay there for a respite weekend or a week. Who knows she might even like it. It is very important to be full in yourself. It sounds like you need some time for yourself. When my child was young and went to preschool for three days a week, I had older family members who would say that someone else was raising my child. That could not be further from the truth. Just like you are caring for your mom, sometimes getting professional assistance in some form allows you to share some of the responsibility of her care so when you are with your Mom you are able to uplift her as well as feeling better yourself. You care asking for help here, I think your next best step is to ask for help in the community, at Church, call your local aging services, call a local geriatric care manager. I give free advice over the phone and at community senior meetings all the time to caregivers who can not afford our services. Even calling a local Elder Law Attorney can help you see more options. Get connected in your local community and you will find a solution that works for you.
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Hey Tallman,
I can certainly relate to what you describe. I am almost in the exact same situation, except I'm living with both of my parents and I am the DPOA for a cousin with dementia and lots of medical issues, who's in a Memory Care unit.

Sometimes it seems like there is no way out. I am also self employed. The financial strain is huge. I will relate what I have found.

If you can get your mom interested or involved in some other outside interests if possible. Can she attend church or activities at a senior center? If they have friends they can chat with on the phone every day, it makes them happier and gives them a reason to look forward to things. That helps.

Can you arrange for someone from a church or civic group to come and visit her once a week? Even though you care, I think it helps them to know that others are thinking of them too.

Can you get involved with your mom's medical care. I have googled things and taken my ideas to my mom's doctor and he agreed. He told her that I really was on top of things! She may resent it a little, but she knows I care and that makes her feel good. This can boost her confidence.

Try to get out yourself. Make plans with your own friends. Try to look up some friends from years ago and see if you can get together for a beer or coffee. Sometimes when we talk to others our age, only then do we realize how much worse offers have it. Many are undergoing cancer treatments or divorces. I have it rough, but not as rough as some do.

Right now I'm trying to locate a support group for the family members of caregivers. They meet during the day, so I have to make arrangements for that since I normally work during the day.

And come here for support. There are some very wise and caring people on this site. I have learned so much.
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I am 62 and have given the last seven years of my life to my mother. I live in her home and have felt like Cinderella. My mother has a lot of old anger from life events she has never wanted to deal with up front, and she is very depressed. I also work a full-time job, so I would come home to what became another full-time job. NO time for me to unwind and regroup after work. I became very burned out, dealing with the physical and, even more, emotional demands. Finally, Mom's health led to hospice care, and now she is in a very nice home. What I want to share is that there is help out there through various agencies. There are people who will volunteer to help out for a few hours a week. It takes a little time to search for these opportunities (e.g., through state agencies, friends of friends, neighbors, etc.), but it is worth the time. Put out the request everywhere you can think of and let the answers come back. You are worth it! Somewhere you will find someone to offer even a few hours. Then go do something fun for yourself!
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I would like to share three things that helped me. (1) I convinced my mother's doctor that she needed a higher dosage of Prozac than she was taking at that time; (2) I went to caregiver counseling, which was offered for free through the county's Office on Aging; and (3) I pray every day for God to help me through this. Thanks to these three things, Mom is happier and I am dealing with being a caregiver better than I did before. Things are far from perfect, but the situation is now bearable. I hope one or all of these things might help you, too.
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I can relate tallman, I feel much the same way. I am 48 y/o with no children and I have been caring for my 85 yo mom for over 4 years - since my dad passed. For the first 3 1/2 years it was live out - mom lived in a senior living center and I took her on weekends and during the week I was on the phone with her 4 - 6 times a day trying to keep her grounded in the world. As the dementia progressed it was getting too hard on me to handle it over the phone and with weekend visits (2 hours round trip every time I picked her up and brought her home) so I moved her in here. I too am self-employed and work from home which is the "excuse" used by my siblings why it was so much easier for me than for them (who work traditional jobs) and none of them get the fact that being self-employed simply means that when I do not work there is no money coming in. My care for her both live out and live in, has substantially cut into my work time and my ability to make my living. Now that mom lives here she contributes to the finances, which is a help on the short term - but not having the chance to build my business hurts on the long-term and causes resentment in me that I don't like and don't know what to do with. I always promised my mother that "with 7 children she would never be put in a nursing home" what I didn't realize is it would fall entirely on me to make sure that didn't happen. I get little or no help from siblings and haven't had much luck finding paid caregivers. I live in an extremely rural area and doing anything (even grocery shopping) takes half of the day. I use the Internet as my primary form of shopping now and found this board in hopes of having an online support group because I have very little support in the real world. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is taking a toll on my emotional and physical health as well.
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TryingToCope, you made your mother an impossible promise for one person to fulfill and you are paying the price for it not because you are weak, but because it is impossible for one person to give 24/7 care without burning out like you are doing. Many caregivers in your situation do not live as long as the person they are caring for and I would not want that to happen to you. Does your mother have any assets which would pay for some home health care? Would your mother qualify for medicaid? 48 years old is very young to not be able to work full time for it will have a negative impact on your own retirement and you need to think about that as well. Do you have Durable and Medical POA for your mother? If not, then you need to get them. Take some steps to take care of you or your mother will not have anyone to take care or advocate for her. I don't think your mother would want you or any of her children to destroy ones life in her old age.
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For nearly 4 years now, I've been caring for my stroke-survivor husband, who lost significant abilities both physically and mentally. For the past year, I've also been responsible for my mother and aunt, ages 85 and 88 respectively, who share an apartment in a retirement community across town. Neither can drive anymore, my mother suffers from vascular-related memory loss and my aunt is legally blind. So, for 3 people, I manage meds, doctor appointments, insurance/medicare issues, etc. Until a few months ago, I continued to work, albeit from home (thank God for an understanding employer!). I totally identify with that "lost my life" feeling - I loved my job, traveled a lot on business, had a great life. I think that when one becomes a caregiver, the sense of loss is similar to the grief process, and will go thru several stages (I've been thru them and repeated a few); it's hard, very hard, to work thru the anger, resentment, reconcile those feelings with the love we have for our care-receivers, and get to a place somewhere near acceptance. I've found my faith a major help. I've found that carving out some "me time" is helpful as well, tho it can be difficult. My husband sleeps late, so I rise early and have time for exercise (that's important!) and devotions. Also, it's CRUCIAL to focus on the moment - make yourself really see that lovely sunrise or sunset, appreciate the sound of the birds, or whatever. Don't allow yourself to focus on the long-term - it's just too depressing; focus on what you can enjoy today, right this minute. Try to cultivate an "attitude of gratitude": Even the most reluctant caregiver can be grateful for a roof over his/her head, for sufficient food, clean water, even just a comfortable chair, a hot cup of coffee, a tasty bowl of ice cream. And know that your efforts are making the world a better place for at least one person.
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tallman, it seems to me you are creating barriers for yourself. You state that you can't move north because “the climate would not be good for her”. Well, millions of elders live in the northern USA and Canada, so unless she is spending all her days out in the garden I really can't see the reason she couldn't adapt to a different climate. You also say “having her with me in a larger city would be intolerable”. In what way? I guess it really depends where your mom is at in her life right now. There comes a time when our elders become pretty isolated.....friends have died, they no longer leave the house except for doctors appointments etc. If she is at that point then her life in her own home as she once lived is already irrevocably altered, and you should consider making the changes that make sense for you now.
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When we made the promises to our parents that they would never be put in a nursing home/assisted living facility, they were still in relatively good health. We had no idea how frail they would become nor the demands that would be put on us. I had no option but to keep working for my small retirement.

As her dementia and physical disabilities became more severe, one of her doctors pulled me aside and told me that I could not take care of her by myself any more. I was on Lexapro just to handle the stress of working full time and taking care of mom and the house and my husband. That doctor saved my sanity.

I placed my mother in the best assisted living facility in our local area. It was hard, but it lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. For two and a half years, I was still running medications and supplies to her. But I started to put myself back together. Six months ago, mother was placed in Hospice Comfort Care. I am totally free to be me again! I have been off Lexapro for six months and have never felt better. I retire in two weeks, and my husband and my daughters have their wife/mother back.

Lesson learned: One person cannot provide the care for an elderly dementia patient 24/7 by themselves. At first I felt guilty for breaking the promise, but then again who would have thought that mother would live to 97 and live with me for 26 years.

Future: No plans to move in with any of my daughters. Husband and I will pick out a nice facility when I do not want to clean house or do yard work anymore.

Suggestion for you: Take charge of your life.
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I have that same feeling Im 57 and taking care of my 90 year old father, My brothers and sister have lives but I don't. I feel guilty for feeling this way and then my sister says this is your life now........... feeling doomed
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I have just found this site and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I understand. I am 56 and lost my Dad 2 years ago and care for my Mom. She still lives independently but I am the only sibling. Lost my sister to Leukemia 15 years ago. My Mom has always been demanding and controlling. I feel alone and have seek helped through counseling and antidepressant. It has helped make things tolerable. Please keep some help for your depression and my counselor advised me to not slwsys tell my Mom what I'm doing....example going to mivie or dinner, I say Im working so I can steal a few hours. I've started walking everday to releive stress. It is very hard! No one understands unless they are living it. Find some peace for yourself. Trust your own instincts to do what will imorove your life. My mom suffers from dementia and a personality disorder so I've stopped trying to fix her and just take one day at a time and feel less guilty for enjoying life a little. Getting outdoors has helped more than anything. Breathe!! Stay strong!
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I took care of my mother for ten years in my home. It was easy and fun at first. One day, I realized I never left the house without her unless going to work. My social life completely disappeared. My home became "her" home. It had to be her furniture, her dishes, her food likes and dislikes. At age 93, her health has mostly thrived while her dementia worsened. My health has failed to the point I took early retirement, suffer constant pain and struggle to walk with a cane or walker. Siblings won't help. They have vacations and busy active retirements to enjoy. They rarely even call her, let alone visit. Some far away grandchildren visit when they can. Finally reached my limit after she began wandering and ransacking the house and going days without sleep. Her doctors and a wonderful nurse case manager helped me see through the hopelessness. She is now in a great assisted living. She rages and demands my constant presence there but I limit visits to 1 or 2 days a week. She refuses to participate in any activities or entertainment at the place. Refuses meals and baths often. But I have stepped way back and let the very competent staff deal with her. I am actively reclaiming my life and attending to my own health. Feel like I have climbed out of a dark bottomless pit. I finally learned that "I will always take care of you" cannot always be done without help. I strongly urge downtrodden fellow care givers take back their lives.
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Prayer.
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Hi everyone,

I have no new ideas to add here because all of the suggestions have been so great. I just want to say that I feel this situation and have witnessed it. Tallman, you have to get a life for yourself in all of this--right where you are or put your mom in a NH or whatever. Please, please take the suggestions that have been made here. Get help, get the right meds for your mom and for you, take time for the business, take time for you!!!!!!!!!!!

Big hug!
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Hmmm....I can sooooo relate. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I want this period of my life to be over...and it makes me sad to think that my mother has to die before this ends...and wondering what will be left of me?? It does wear me out physically and mentally...and there is no energy to do anything for myself. My mother was the best mother...and when I get mad at her, I feel terrible. No one understands unless they've walked in these shoes. I've given up trying to reach out to others...they don't understand...and always so the wrong thing...which makes me angry. Oh well...thank god for the good days! Just reading your post made me feel like I'm NOT alone. Hope something works out for you!
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I am 80 and have been full care giver for my 99 yr old 'wheelchair bound', Aunt for the past 5 years, as well as my Husband who was also in a wheelchair for almost a year, until he passed in June. There are no relatives available in Fla to help me. I felt exactly as you do. Fortunately my Dr. recognized my depression and began treating me and giving me 'places' to call for options. I learned about 'Respite care', They give as much or as little care as the person needs. I found a wonderful place that she could go for a month, Like a resort type setting, so I was able to 'take my husband HOME to Mich for burial in our Family Plot'. It was so uplifting to have all my children and Family around and relax and heal and not worry. We are planning a month 'Vacation' for both of us again in 2015. Plus, she is going for a 'week' respite, two more times a year. This is giving me something positive to look forward to and I am starting to feel happier again. There are places that will do this as well as licensed people who will come and stay in the home 24/7 so you can get away. I had been looking forward to traveling, and now I can do a bit.

Please do not give up. Get information and take your Dr.s advice on stress medication. It has really helped me. I thought my life was over, since I am sure my Aunt is going to live till 110 and by that time I'll be over 90 myself.
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Tallman - I am a 56 yo man in the same position as you. My mother also moved in and she is 84 years old with Alzheimer's. I also work a full-time job, which luckily I can do remotely through telecommuting thank God. I have been struggling with the same issues as you. I am continuing to try to keep things moving, I have her on Seroquel now which thankfully is now helping to manage her AD's agitation better. But at the end of the day, Tallman, I too keep feeling like I am on the edge of burnout and depression. Like you, I have been feeling the weight of the hopeless of our situation. I try to manage this by staying busy, keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. But yeah it is is tough. I have started trying the Nature Made SAM-e Complete 400mg supplements to help me manage depression. I don't know. Are they working? Maybe. I do seem to feel a little less hopeless some days. But this cruel Alzheimer's Disease is such a soul crushing experience. There are days I wish my sister and my brothers would help. And there are days I am so glad their hearts are not being broken as they see our mother suffer. You might want to try the SAM-E. But I am really writing to let you know there are other men, and other sons exactly in your same position. They don't say much about us.
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This all sounds very familiar. My friends say I have given up my life, but by taking care of my mother, and my stepfather and partner while they were still alive, I feel as if I were doing what I needed to do. Now I do my best to include my mother in activities that we both enjoy because I cannot leave her alone: lunch with friends, Quaker meetings, swimming, the symphony, opera, theater, yoga classes and traveling. Hard to budget for it but it seems important to get out and do things other than the endless doctor's and hospital visits. I tell her about my work, and include her when I travel for business. I'm trying to enrich our home environment with good food, interesting films, Scrabble games, letter writing and reading aloud. We just started reading Harry Potter, and she loves it. Not sure how much longer I can do all this or how much longer she will enjoy it, but for now, it's worth it, and I feel that I am doing all I can to make our time together as good as I can. Of course I am depressed, overwhelmed, forgetful and always behind on things too, but I try to keep things cheerful and upbeat as best I can. And after about 15 years of constant bad health, pain and injury, my dear mother is finally feeling fatigued and quite elderly but mostly healthy and happy, so we are grateful for the break.
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I feel the same way.... I left my home and my adult daughter and moved in with my parents to care for my father who was dying. After he passed I made the decision that it would be better for my Mother to remain in her home so I move in completely to take care of her. That was 3 years and several care takers ago. Care takers are with my mother while I'm at work, I work full time, although they don't seem to last very long they all burn out for one reason or another. I have 3 siblings non of which will take any responsibility or assist in caring for our mother which would allow me to have a life. They tried at the beginning, they even acknowledge how very difficult it is, but they are not willing to give up their weekends. I try not to discuss it too much because I feel like it's just complaining and I really don't want to complain about caring for my mother. However I really do wish that I had time for a life, time for me maybe a special someone. i do worry that I will never have time to find that special someone in my life and will end up dying alone.
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One thing with caring for one parent(s), don't forget your own doctor appointments. I know, if you see one more doctor's waiting room you will scream :P I was so busy driving my parents all over the place I forgot about me.

Now I am paying the price... I have a medical condition that requires surgery and who knows how long I will be recouping. Now, if I had paid attention and went to my OWN doctors, this medical issue could have been caught a lot sooner and chances are I wouldn't need the surgery.

Of course, my Dad says "but who will drive us?" and "oh, when can you schedule an eye doctor appointment for us?"..... time to bang my head against the wall, now where did I put that helmet.

Believe me, I am going to milk this time off to the tenth degree.
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