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For Assisted Living, go on tours, usually they include a free lunch. Or go to their Holiday parties, Like Mothers Day, Memorial Day or 4th of July. It is not for now, it is for "when the time comes" and "you can decide which place you like". We got a one month trial at half price. Mom stayed.
Let me caution you, though.....My sister & I toured 6 facilities and chose 2 of the 6 to take Dad to tour (mom couldn't go due to immobility issues).. We immediately turned down those 4 because they were awful. Urine stench,,,ratty looking surroundings, unacceptable cleanliness...we actually cried when we left one of them. I didn't want to scare my folks. Check with your local area on aging office or online and see what types of situations are available in your area & start collecting info now.
It seems like we're all in the same "dementia boat". You're an amazing women! Caring for a parent for 10 years is a very long time. I think the hardiest part is when we have to make the decision to get our parents into a Care facility. My situation is basically the same as yours but only for 2 yrs (seems like 10) and I have my sister to help me. We care for mom in her home and just like your mom (with help) bathes and clothes herself and walk around with a cane but her brain is not good. Even with help I feel drained, especially mentally and it breaks my heart when I leave my beautiful home and husband. They never want to leave their home but unfortunately it will happen. We have made it very clear to mom (several times) that one day we're going to have to find a good care facility for her because we will not be able to give her the care she needs. I've also told my sister once this disease starts affecting us physically, we're not doing it anymore. If we were to have to place mom in a care facility my heart would be at piece because we've done everything possible to keep her content. Angelaiwil, listen to your heart and body. Go visit care facilities schedule appointments for tours and meet with the coordinators to see what financial programs she qualifies for. Your mom has lives 91 wonderful years, you deserve to live yours. Please keep us posted, god bless.
My parents [in their 90's] wouldn't budge from their house, never, nada, nope. It wasn't until my Mom passed, that two weeks later that my Dad said he was ready to move into a senior type housing, he couldn't do all the stairs anymore, even with the help of paid caregivers. What was ironic, I had just toured a senior housing facility just the day before and the place looked really nice. Kept my fingers crossed when Dad wheeled into the lobby that he would like the place.... he said "where do I sign up?".... and that was before he had a tour of the building and the free lunch :)
Therefore, I think there need to be a major reason or need before one's parents will move into Assisted Living. The more I think back, the more I realized I was enabling my parents to keep up their life style in their own home. And in the mean time my house was being neglected and my health was declining big time. I was afraid my parents would outlive me.
I think about getting a job, outside the home, so I can have some time away from her and maybe meet some new friends but with as tired as I already feel this seems daunting and not doable. I just keep trying to think of ways to make it work but the only way it would work would be if someone came to live with us to help. No one in the family is available, capable or willing to do such a thing. Thank you for your prayers, I need them.
At 86 (Dad) and 89 (Mom)...Dad was in terrific shape, but Mom had ambulatory issues and the beginning stages of dementia. Without him, Mom would have gone straight to assisted living. Mom was eligible for in-home aides to come in a couple times of week to bathe her, check her vitals and help with PT. She could have received more services if she wanted them.
Maybe instead of sending mom somewhere, you both might look at a situation like my folks'. Move into something like that with her. You would be freed from a lot of house work and maintenance stuff,,,,Mom could get aides in to take over some of the hands-on you currently provide,,,,and either or both of you would be exposed to more social interaction. You could get some respite and still feel like you didn't let mom down.
Either your mom has sold you a bill of goods, making you feel responsible for her happiness, or you've come up with this idea of making it all up to her on your own. Either way, it's not a clear-headed way to think.
You are not responsible for fixing your mom's past.
After a week of my mom having daily "emergencies" that caused me to have to leave work while she was living "independently" at home I said "Mom, I can't do this anymore". That was the conversation. And yes, my mother had a terrible childhood.
We don't always get to choose who we're gonna be or how we're gonna act when we get to that phase of life.
Will keep you in my prayers.
Now you have dared to contemplate all this, step back into your world with a new attitude fo "can deal, can do" - delegate as much as you can, ask others to help, and take time off (if others can sit with your mother); With a quieter mind and less guilt you will find the words. It will be less painful than you think. At the moment, there are too many black clouds in your own mental sky - time you chased them away. This is not being selfish, it is just taking care of the carer.
I had a little talk with my mom yesterday, planting some seeds, told her I was tired, worn out. She says she doesn't want to hurt me in any way, but didn't know what to do about it excepting dying so I could get on with my life. Always so nice when she makes comments like that, geez. She doesn't realize how painful that is to hear. She brought up going into a place and I could visit her but she said that would be when her mind is totally gone. It was a difficult conversation. At one point I realized that a big part of me feels like a failure, again, not being able to stick with something til the end. This is a pattern in my life. I have stayed with her for over 6 years but I thought I would be with her until her death but I just don't see how I can physically do that. The advice from everyone here is helping me look at the situation more objectively and be more self-honest. Last night when I couldn't sleep, again (I can only go to sleep with Ambian and refuse to take it every night) I tried to imagine my life with her in an assisted living facility and this helped. The not sleeping normally is so hard and I think I would be able to get back to sleeping normally because the hyper-vigilance would fade away. I feel so strange anymore, so out of it.
On Monday I am visiting an AL for memory care......one step at a time.
I sincerely hope you take the step. With conversation that you and your Mom has, I did want to ask if your Mom is ready for Memory Care???? Thanks