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What is it that is preventing you from having the life you wanted when your children became adults?
My mother has been an emotional drain my entire life. She has mental health needs that make her emotionally unstable. I don't know how many times she's had to live with me because she had no where else to go.
I have already talked with my mother and told her that she could no longer stay with me; it's entirely too taxing on me and my family.
I too am an empty nester and just placed my father in a nursing facility. We are tired, my husband suffers from PTSD and severe depression and we also care for our grand daughter 4 days out of 5. We love having her around, but we need our time too, thus a 3 day weekend. Next year she will be headed to preschool.
It's not wrong to feel this way AT ALL. You just need to figure out what's best for both of you and stick to the plan.
A body can only take so much before you the caregiver needs caring for themselves. Don't place yourself in such a position.
This is not being selfish but rather brave. Caregiving is very difficult even in the best circumstances. By acknowledging your limitations and the limitations of your relationship with your mother you can find solutions that work for both of you.
I have been taking care of my mom for 15 years in my home. We have never really had a mother and daughter relationship like I would have wanted, but through the years I lived with that. In Sept of 2012, mom got really sick and was in and out of the hospital and re/hab nursing homes. I spent a lot of time with her trying to support her and get her better. She finally realized how important I was to her and for the first time I can remember she said she loved me. That meant so much to me. I knew that I loved her too, but we could never get the words out. What a shame that is. Mom didn't want to die in a facility, but at the same time I didn't want to be a care giver anymore. But we finally got close and felt I should take her back home with me. It is too late now, mom passed away on Feb. 1st of this year. She was 96. I feel so bad about all this, especially about the part where she wanted to die home and not there and I didn't want to take care of her anymore. I I enjoyed my time alone for those five months, but still visited her everyday. We finally connected like mother and daughter, but it's too late. The guilt is eating me up.
Either way, you will lose your life if you take her into your home and you have every right to fear it. It is a real fear. But the fear of guilt can often outweigh the fear of losing your freedom. It is a horrible place to be.
I moved mom in with me but it was a result of strokes and dementia (crazy talk). I often think I could take care of her needs if she were in her right mind, but the dementia (chronic repeating and disorganized thoughts) is eating me up.
My mom is with my sister right now to give me a break. I dread her return and I have always been close to her but caring for her is a slow death for me.
Absolutely NO FREEDOM. You cannot just get up and run to the store--you have to make sure someone is on duty and when you do go to the store (just one example of trying to leave the house), you are sick with worry. The resentment and guilt associated with resentment will kill you sooner rather than later. If my mom were in her right mind (I keep thinking this would make a difference but I am really not sure), I might be able to survive it, but when your mom is sick and you live with it day in and day out...24 hours, 7 days a week, you see yourself in your old age every day, all day, and you believe that this will be you some day. It is not healthy. It is undoubtedly unhealthy and then you cannot be there for your family the way you once were. You start to hate yourself because you see what it is doing to them and then you will hate your mother because she is making your family unhappy.
My sister and I do not see eye to eye on most things in caring for mom, BUT, I felt like I was sinking into a dark hole. I had to have help. I tried to bring people into my home and pay them but my mom hated everyone...it is either the dementia or she is just hateful and I never saw it growing up.
I want to tell you to not do it from the bottom of my heart, but that is easy for me to say--I am giving you advice I did not give myself. If you do not have help, I strongly suggest that you do not take this on.
I am one of three that takes care of both physically and emotionally needy parents. Dad now in a NH but I go over every day to feed him. It is killing me. Neither sibling will help in anyway. One calls me every once in a while but what the f' is that?
DebraLee, listen to all these stories. Listen to us. Do not take her into your home, Do not succumb to all her needs. Get her help and enjoy your life. I can't and I am miserable. If you have the funds, looks into independent living with continuum care. BEST situation and she'll make friends and have activities etc... I do my best to get away when I can, but it's a very hard balance with aging, needy parents, teenagers, a husband, a company to run and all of life's demands.
You have a choice. Choose wisely. Choose your life. You can help her without becoming the caregiver, but set the boundaries EARLY.
xo
-SS
My recommendation would be to discuss with her primary medical person her health needs and living/care options in your community. Check out your areas Agency on Aging and Elder Care. See if you can find solutions or options to have Mom properly cared for other than you becoming her primary caregiver. Only once those questions have been answered can you come up with an appropriate game-plan that will keep her safe and properly managed and allow you to be involved in whatever manner you are capable of being. Remember, decisions can always be modified or changed as time goes by.
It sounds like you are quite scared of the responsibility this would entail and rightly so, especially with a needy person. You would have to be quite strong about maintaining some boundaries and being able to say "no" to her when she is manipulating you. It is neither easy nor what we expected to do at this time in our lives. However, although caregiving can and probably would consume your life, there will be and end-date to it. That is also something you need to discuss with your Mom's doctor: is Mom projected to still be around for many years or are you near the end of her life due to health reasons? Good luck with your decision. I know this is a hard one.
No need to feel guilty. You raised your children and probably did an admirable job. You now want to enjoy the fruits of your labor....your family, grandchildren, and your husband. Your mother enjoyed her life for goodness sakes. Stop feeling guilty....I know, easier said than done. However, once you see that your mother will thrive with a caregiver coming in several days a week, you will breathe easier. Go on vacation, enjoy your hobbies, exercise, and stay vibrant for as long as you can. You have earned it girl. Take care of you now.
And of course we wonder how our lives will be as we get older. Actually I do have Power of Attorney for my son and do take care of all his finances, trips to the doctors and everywhere else.
JJ
I would try to find out her financially situation n see if their r any other family member that would want to step up to the plate. If no other family members then, I would seek to talk with a social worker or look for Assisted Living or a NH.
Plus they have some places that will transition from AL into a NH if she was to need more one-on-one medical help. No matter what you decided just remember that it is normal the way u feel.
Again as for the, "Why do I feel so resistant to the needs of my elderly mother as a caregiver?" Because you have your own life too! I hope this helps.