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Don't feel guilty. You'll need to help her make decisions as she ages, but she sounds like a prime candidate for assisted living. In such an environment, she'd have the social outlet she needs and wouldn't just depend on you for that part of her life.
As ifnorotic said, cargiving is "easy to get into but hard to get out of."
Also, it is true that becoming the caregiver changes your relationship forever. If she were in assisted living with friends and activities, you could still be her daughter without so much day to day caregiving - at least for now.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
My mother has been an emotional drain my entire life. She has mental health needs that make her emotionally unstable. I don't know how many times she's had to live with me because she had no where else to go.
I have already talked with my mother and told her that she could no longer stay with me; it's entirely too taxing on me and my family.
I too am an empty nester and just placed my father in a nursing facility. We are tired, my husband suffers from PTSD and severe depression and we also care for our grand daughter 4 days out of 5. We love having her around, but we need our time too, thus a 3 day weekend. Next year she will be headed to preschool.
It's not wrong to feel this way AT ALL. You just need to figure out what's best for both of you and stick to the plan.
A body can only take so much before you the caregiver needs caring for themselves. Don't place yourself in such a position.
Either way, you will lose your life if you take her into your home and you have every right to fear it. It is a real fear. But the fear of guilt can often outweigh the fear of losing your freedom. It is a horrible place to be.
I moved mom in with me but it was a result of strokes and dementia (crazy talk). I often think I could take care of her needs if she were in her right mind, but the dementia (chronic repeating and disorganized thoughts) is eating me up.
My mom is with my sister right now to give me a break. I dread her return and I have always been close to her but caring for her is a slow death for me.
Absolutely NO FREEDOM. You cannot just get up and run to the store--you have to make sure someone is on duty and when you do go to the store (just one example of trying to leave the house), you are sick with worry. The resentment and guilt associated with resentment will kill you sooner rather than later. If my mom were in her right mind (I keep thinking this would make a difference but I am really not sure), I might be able to survive it, but when your mom is sick and you live with it day in and day out...24 hours, 7 days a week, you see yourself in your old age every day, all day, and you believe that this will be you some day. It is not healthy. It is undoubtedly unhealthy and then you cannot be there for your family the way you once were. You start to hate yourself because you see what it is doing to them and then you will hate your mother because she is making your family unhappy.
My sister and I do not see eye to eye on most things in caring for mom, BUT, I felt like I was sinking into a dark hole. I had to have help. I tried to bring people into my home and pay them but my mom hated everyone...it is either the dementia or she is just hateful and I never saw it growing up.
I want to tell you to not do it from the bottom of my heart, but that is easy for me to say--I am giving you advice I did not give myself. If you do not have help, I strongly suggest that you do not take this on.
This is not being selfish but rather brave. Caregiving is very difficult even in the best circumstances. By acknowledging your limitations and the limitations of your relationship with your mother you can find solutions that work for both of you.
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