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You and your son should send a nice flower arrangement, or better still one of those delicious holiday luxury gift boxes that have the smoked sausages, the cheeses, crackers, etc... Those are always a nice thing to get. You shouldn't miss out on the holidays because your mother has poor timing or because your family members are inconsiderate and hurtful.
But maybe your family dynamic isn't as bad as I imagine, I'm basing my comments on families who have funeral fist fights at the church door.
Your mom is having a "do" here. I think the timing is poor, but that's up to her.
Why are you not asking HER what matters to HER here, because she's the important one, imho?
I would say "Mom, you're well aware of how I feel about the sibs? Right? Can I just ask you if there's some way it's OK for me not to attend with them, and for the two of us to make our own celebration of dad together? Are you OK with that? Because if you are not I understand that this celebration of his life is really about YOU and if you want me there I will be there with bells on and I will take Dr. Laura's advise and 'just be polite'. But if you really don't care, or would just as soon avoid any discomfort, I would love not to attend. What do you think?"
Option two, say you will attend, call and lie that you have covid.
This isn't about you really, or your beloved hubby, or your sibs. This is about your mom and what she needs to do to comfort herself. Let her guide you.
If you aren't comfortable with ASKING mom, I would help her prepare, I would attend, I would just be as polite as I could be to everyone, and I would leave slightly early. And I would literally die before I would cause dissention that would hurt your mom at that time. So if you cannot do this without that, then you cannot go. Start practicing now:
"It's SO good to see you" . Smile smile and walk away.
"What a lovely dress" . Smile smile walk away.
"I remember how much dad loved your lasagna". Smile smile smile
And on you go, butterfly at the ball, just buttering them up one side and down the other.
Have FUN with it. Imagine dad smiling. Laughing, Raising a glass to you.
Good luck, CzechChick. Omlouvám se.
So no, I will not be attending anymore functions involving them.
If you would prefer not to go, I’d suggest that you don’t make a big statement about it – tell M that you will try to come but you have an important appointment that you may not be able to alter. If you don’t make it, say that you will take M out to dinner yourself a week or so later.
Now that dad’s gone, it’s more advantageous for you two to be on civil terms when it comes to discussing moms needs going forward, such as who is tasked with poa.
I don’t know your family dynamic but just know that if you don’t go you may be putting your mom in an awkward position with other guests on a day that maybe already difficult for her.
If you do decide to go, stick like glue to your mom’s side; nobody is going to be awful to you when you’re holding hands with a grieving widow.
I’m sorry for your loss.
My condolences on the loss of your dad, and also on your husbands passing a year ago.
Very sorry about your dad.🙏
Do what you feel is right, and I'd wait until it gets closer to Christmas to decide, for sure. You May feel different
I didn’t speak to one of my siblings at either of my parent’s funerals . When the second parent died , I did not attend the after funeral , family meal get together .
You could go and not stay the whole time .