Will my mother adjust?

Chris, how is your mother adjusting? I find your story compelling and wonder if I could get some advice from you onto what to do for my father who wont stop feeding his scammer.

Well, today's visit with my dad at the AL was the very first time he has not said anything about moving back home (he's been there 2 months). Maybe we're making some headway or maybe his memory is bad and he forgot to say something about it.

I remember after Dad getting dehydrated last summer, we had to put him back in the nursing home. My parents drove over there after the visit to the ER. My Dad didn't say a word to my mother on the drive there. For a while, he would blame her for not being able to pick him up from the ground. (My mom has a bad back and it's very hard to pull him up from the ground) My mom would cry and feel terrible. After a while, my father figured it was best for him to be there. I think you should give this time-She will not be mad at you for this forever.

Wishing you the best of luck.

My Ma has been angry for the past 6 yrs, she doesnt know why and she is back living prior to WW2 and before she got married.
She wants to go home, but has no idea where home is. She needs to go to work and wants to catch the bus to London where she can go do embroidery.
Anger is fear.. and the more anger the more fear cos she doesnt really know the why... and its no use telling them cos they dont remember and cant comprehend.
The person you knew 2 yrs ago is not the person you are dealing with today, just looks similar, and Im guessing right now still remembers you.
My Ma claims to not have children most of the time, so how can she even comprehend she had 5 and that the youngest is in his 60s. she after all is in her early 20s, I managed to ask once.
her brain/memory is a 200 piece jigsaw puzzle without the lid or 96 pieces and the missing ones are the corners and the centre.
Dont feel bad,

Hi Chris,
I have a story pretty similar to yours. My mom was diagnosed with dementia which she has and will not accept. My family and started noticing a decline in her cognitive thinking and she to was highly caught up with scammers and sweepstakes. I was able to become her POA and get her to the doctor once we realized her serious her condition was becoming.
We found a Assisted Living facility that would allow her some feel of independence even though doctors said she should be in memory care.
Mom has been resentful and troublesome since being placed. She’s argumentative with caretaker and other residents. Mom has become very stubborn refusing to bathe, and change clothes.
Most of her venom is reserved for me, she tells caretaker and nursing team I placed her in facility to control her and take her money. When I come to visit she lashes out at me. The doctor and social worker told me to stay away and give her some time adjust. I haven’t seen her for about a month now, I feel conflicted I don’t want to not be there for her, but I can’t handle the mean spirited verbal abuse from her either. My last visit with her brought me to realization that my mom as I know her is gone, and Its taken me through a mourning process of sorts.
My plan is to resume visits with mom, and the first sign of toxicity from her l’m leaving, hopefully it will resonate with her that this behavior will not be tolerated if she wants to continue relationship with me.

I'm sorry about your Mom. Hopefully she will forget all of this in time, but still remember you. YOu never know how their minds will work.

I want to add to my comment above. Make sure every single account or source of money has her name removed. Put your name as a POA. She could do all kinds of things if she had anything in her name. And I repeat, unless you want to be tortured with what she does and says, please do not be a fool and see her. Don't subject yourself to that agony.

With her physical and mental state, and the things she does in terms of behavior, indicate to me that you are going to have to accept she is never, ever going to be what she once was. It just is not going to happen. She is extremely angry (and you are right that she should never have done the things she did but she will never see that) and she will continue to lash out at you. I have seen cases where within about three weeks some people adjust and others are here going on two years and are just as mad as the first day. I don't know what will happen in her case. My advice is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO VISIT HER....IF YOU DO, YOU WILL BE ATTACKED AND DESTROYED. If you insist on going, tell her VERY FIRMLY what the situation is/was and that is why she is there. Tell her unless she stops with the blame and anger, she is on your own - and you do NOT go back. You have done nothing wrong. This is YOUR time. Don't squander it - the original is gone.

I have no experience with frontal lobe dementia, but often with any dementia, they get angry, nasty, blame you. Try to understand this isn't who she is/was, and try not to take anything she says/does personally. Even the lying and hiding, it's part of the condition.

It is hard not to get angry/feel guilty for moving them, but you can't change her, you can only work on understanding the issue and how you react to her behavior.

Sometimes adjustment takes time and things go well, sometimes there's no adjustment. Sometimes they can be fine until you show up! Try to shift the blame (doctors?) Let her hate them! Suggest she needs help and can go home when she 'gets better'. No time frame, just 'when you get better' (again, blame docs!) If my mother asks can I drop her at her mother's (gone 40+ yrs!), I defer it with 'it's too late today and not on my way home, maybe tomorrow.' Long before tomorrow she forgets. The last time it was winter and I took a chance telling her they were in FL. She pondered it and then said they used to do that. I was afraid she would ask why they didn't invite her.

It's sad there are unscrupulous people who do this to others. It's even harder when we find out after the fact, when so much is stolen - you might blame yourself for not realizing it was happening, but there's no way you could know unless you had partial/full control of finances. Not knowing she had an issue, it isn't likely you were involved in her finances.

For others in this situation, if you realize it/take control, I suggest freezing the person's credit. OP said mom started getting money elsewhere to send it out - freezing credit (has to be done at all 3 bureaus and may require POA or atty assistance) would prevent opening new credit/getting loans. It wouldn't prevent the selling of her furniture, but in a way she did save you some time getting rid of it! Not good if there were items you would've liked to keep for her or as remembrances, but there wouldn't be much you could do about that either, unless you were watching her every move.

"I realize she is sick, but she has continually lied and covered up her scamming and that has made me angry as well."

The scamming/hiding makes one feel angry, esp if you had a good relationship before. It seems like she distrusted you, but trusted them. Maybe angry, but once the diagnosis is made, it becomes more understandable. Inside she was likely aware of it being bad/wrong, but couldn't help herself, but she was aware enough to hide it. Our mother made errors, but it was peanuts in comparison. I avoided the move (brothers did it - she refused to move anywhere - they made a phony letter from the hospital which said she moves to the place we choose, or they would place her - angry, but she reluctantly went.) After the move, she hounded YB every visit to take her back to the condo, but never asked me! I believe somewhere deep inside, she knows better. I stayed away for 2 wks (they ordered Lorazepam, just in case.)

"She called me again this morning being very nice, but wanted me to bring her a new phone. I just told her I'd see about it, but obviously a new phone is the last thing she needs. The facility actually says she is eating well, talking to others, etc., while she makes it sound like they are torturing her."

A new phone? Could you bring a phone? Cute, but not expensive? Use it as a treat or gift. Distraction can be your friend, as can little white lies. A suggestion others have made is to go and observe. Don't let her or staff know you're there. Often when people do this, they see the person engaged in activity/socializing, but when they see you, the complaints and anger start! You've heard this from staff, check it out yourself! If/when she becomes unruly/angry, make an excuse and leave. Sometimes this can "retrain" them in a way. Not always, but sometimes. If nothing else, it alleviates some anger and stress in yourself if you remove yourself, before it builds up in you.

My mom had her angry moments and I just visited her anyways. I think with dementia that the anger comes and goes even when there is no reason for it. If you wait for the anger to subside you'll never visit cause she'll possibly get over her anger one day and then be fuming again the next.

But you know your mom and should use your own gut instincts to guide you.

Hi
please hang in there! I have experienced the same thing. My mother also has dementia and delusional paranoia (jealousy type)
The home advised me not to visit for a couple of weeks and then not everyday until she settled in. I hate to say but for my mum it took her about 12 months to finally settle. The anger subsided although she was not happy and kept asking me to take her home. I just said yes next time and changed the subject.
It can be hard at times try and stay strong, allow time for yourself - remember she’s still your mum and you need to not take things personally.

Another bad visit with dad -- all he can talk about is going home but from the looks of this forum, sounds like that could go on for a while. Today I discovered he is stashing cash again. Ended up in a big argument. Not a pleasant afternoon. Went and got ice cream with my husband and now headed out to take the dog for a walk to get my mind off things. I think the whole father-daughter relationship thing is down the tubes. Pretty much transactional these days. But we were never that close anyway.

Last ditch effort - Have her neurologist tell her what is wrong with her since she does not want to believe you. Even so - as her mind is broken, that may fall by the wayside. Prayers sent to you.💞

Bless your heart, I feel your pain. I’ve been there and I know how bad this makes you feel. As hard as it is, just give her time. Usually around 3 weeks is the adjustment time. Having a loved one with dementia is harder on the caregiver/family than the patient.
With time she will calm down, she will adjust to her new life and that will become her home.
Hang in there!

She may not adjust and she may adjust, not to be predicted. Thing is, there is no choice here. Your Mom isn't really who she was; she is changed. And the changes won't get better or easier to handle. Frontal lobe seems to have a lot of "anger" assosicated with it often enough. Read up all you can. Do all you can to rid yourself of expectations. Try not to predict the future, because you will die the death of 1,000 cuts thereby. Wishing you the best. This is all so hard.

I actually have a question for you. Seems like you found a Dr capable of making a diagnosis other than dementia, yes or no. I'm looking for that for my mom who is in memory care just because I don't know what to do with her. What kind of Dr diagnosed your mom?

Both of my parents are gone, now, but reading your story about your situation brings back many painful memories of the last few years with my dad.
My dad had been living on his own and doing ok until he had to have surgery to repair a bowel obstruction. He went to a nursing home/rehab for 3 months. While there, his verbal abuse had me so angry I walked out several times. Even the nurses and aides were shocked by his behavior. We took him home on 24 hour care for 2 years and it was ok as long as he was taking Ativan twice a day. He was still argumentative and obstinate with me and my husband, but got along with everyone else including my brother. I actually think our trouble was that we were so much alike. Long story short, we put him in assisted living about a year ago. He got kicked out of one and we found another where he got along ok. By this time his dementia had gotten so much worse that he no longer fought to leave. He passed away in July.
I don’t have any answers for you, except that in the last days, my dad told me he loved me..”he loves her” and held my hand. I’m still hurting, but talking about it, helps. I lost my dad long before he actually passed and that makes me the saddest because I know that he was worried about that.
Hang in there! You are doing your best and that’s all you can do!

Your mother is lonely. That gap is only filled by a gentleman friend. In addition to that she is now in an unfamiliar place unwillingly. Don't think that the stammers won't find her in assisted living. Find her a gentleman friend even if you have to pay him. Surely your local church can spare someone to visit her.

She may stop being angry if she can integrate herself into the activities and find friends. For the last 6 months I have seen scammers all the time in the Facebook game Words with Friends. I am so lonely that I will talk with them until they make me their scammer offer. So far I have not lost any money. But I dread running into a true professional who will break my heart.

A friend of mine told me "you can have a boyfriend at any age if sex is involved". But I was married faithfully for 38 years and think that sex belongs inside marriage. I am in the in-between stage. My mother died 3 years ago and I am still handling her estate. My husband left 2 years ago. I have a house I can't take care of, but am leary of moving in with my daughter (who has invited me). I am afraid I will lose my civil rights and not be treated as an equal or even an adult.

I've been on dating sites, but this is a bad time to start over. I haven't been able to make myself meet anyone. Maybe this is all just a normal part of aging. Wish I could meet a good man and settle down again. But that may not happen. Many women after a divorce don't remarry and make a life without male companionship. I just need to figure out how they do that.

My dad does similar behavior. My husband and I are the ones that helps and we are the entire problem. Like we ruined his life.

It is so hard to be criticized and chewed on when you know that you are doing the best you can and you are making sacrifices to help. No gratitude attitude is a challenge. I tell my dad, I am not looking for heartfelt thanks, just stop criticizing every single thing we do for you and saying that we have ruined things. He can tell anyone and everyone that he thinks I am crap, but I won't just agree to be punished by him for his perspective of the truth. I am not guilty of his accusations and I refuse to blame his disease and give him a free pass, if he can treat others like human beings then he can treat me and my husband the same. It is okay for you to not agree to be her scratching post because she is sick. She can be civil to others, then you can demand civility from her or you can stay as far away as you need to.

I think parents feel entitled to take their anger and frustration out on their children and others tell us we have to accept it because they are sick, not true, you can say I won't be available to get torn to shreds because you are ill. If they can treat 1 person kindly they can treat everyone the same. I know it is hard to be seen as the enemy, but you have done the best you can and now it is time to let the professionals handle her.

Remember, she wasn't happy before the facility, she probably won't be happy in the facility, not your responsibility to make her happy, your responsibility was to ensure her safety and wellbeing, you have done that.

It could take her 6 months to adjust, so be patient and let go of trying to make her happy. She will find it herself or she won't, nothing you do will alter that. But you can be at peace knowing that she is safe, fed, warm and out of scammers reach.

You did a great job for your mom, whether she acknowledges it or not doesn't change that.

So sorry to hear about your mom's problems and resulting anger. Consider that her emotions are like that of a child. I remember my children saying they hated me when I disciplined them because they did not get their way. Seems mom is having similar resentment. It may take a little longer, but she will adjust to her new living situation. I would also suggest that her being scammed is a sign that she feels lonely and needs to be loved. Visit her, even if she is angry, to express your love to her. Divert conversations away from her obsession with the scammers and towards healthier and safer topics.

It is not easy, my mother still thinks she should be able to go home - it has been almost 2 years.... A stroke 17 years ago left her paralyzed & in a wheelchair. I did everything I could for those years to keep her in her house, but it just got to be too much... I know she blames me for everything, but I had to make sure she was safe & cared for. I have a routine back in my like, which is important - you need time for yourself.

Is there guilt, you betcha! But, you will get through it. Put your heart aside & they clarity will be there. She will never admit it to me (because of her memory loss), but the nurses and other staff see her having fun at activities, which is comfort for me.

Wish you the best!

My story is very similar to what others have said. The drs. would not let my MIL return to her home after a hospitalization. We found a place and moved them very quickly. But, instead of staying away, we went every day. We ate lunch with them, took them to the activities etc. and gradually started giving them more time to themselves. They were angry at us and sometimes they would yell at us while we were there. We just reminded them that it was the drs. decision, not ours.

They have been in AL for a year now and occasionally we still get an earful because they "hate it" and it's all our fault. But when I talk to the staff, they are interacting, eating and joining in with the community, so I don't worry about it too much. It's definitely a challenge and the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It is really tough at first. My mom was also angry a lot...very resentful that I moved her to MO. As an only child dealing with this, I kept telling myself that this was best for her safety and my sanity. I learned not to take her anger personally, but that took a while.

After she had a couple falls and a few other medical incidents, she was more tolerant of accepting help. Eventually, her vascular dementia took most of her memory away. She is in skilled nursing now. We have good visits 4 times a week, and she can still be in the moment and joke around with me. Plus she can still be a pistol when she doesn't like something, but staff members are experienced and have good skills.

With your mother's type of dementia, learn what factors may prevent her from remaining in assisted living. It's good to plan for the next level of care.

For now you both are making a major adjustment. Your skin will thicken and your heart will grow more compassionate as time goes on. I have found support group meetings very helpful.

You are a wonderful daughter. Your mom is safe now and you can nurture your own well being. As is often stated in this forum, don't let her disease take you down.

I have a friend whose mother had dementia and was a smoker and it was really unsafe in her home...burn marks everywhere.  Her mother refused to move or accept help and my friend had to go to court to obtain guardianship and force the move.  She was staged with mid to late dementia and had to go to a locked down memory care unit.  Her mother screamed obscenities at her and they literally had to restrain her to get her into the facility.  My friend was devastated to say the least.  Most people are not used to having their mother call them names and scream how she hated her and would never forgive her, etc...Literally two weeks later her mother forgot she even smoked and was so far gone that she didn't have a clue where she was or what was going on.  Just remember that you are making these tough decisions for her wellbeing and her safety.  Nothing you wouldn't do for a child who didn't know any better.  Time will help.  Stay strong.

It's a tough situation and there it's hard to tell how long it will take or if it will ever happen. Like countrymouse said, she has a disease, so try to remember that it isn't really your mom saying these hurtful things. It might not be possible to only see her when she's calm.

Our guardianship and moving mom into assisted living was also a hard one done under protest from mom. The facility suggested not coming by for at least a month, so she had time to adjust there and wasn't focused on us. That seemed to give her enough time to make a disconnect with the move. But, in our situation, mom still goes back and forth...some days she likes us, other days she's mad. You never know what might trigger her. We just go to see her and if she sees us, great, and if she pretends to be asleep, we stay for a bit and then leave, and if she's mean mugging us (just glaring and silent), we stay and she sometimes snaps out of it, and if she's violent, we leave and try again another day.

It's a process, where a couple more weeks of no-contact could help, but you still might not get to the point where she is always calm and not mad at you. You know you did the right thing, but it won't always be easy. That's the disease.

Id Mom is Anything like my Sad and Bad Dad...She may suely Hold Grudge to her Dying Day, Sad to Say. Dad and I had a Big fallout over a year ago, Along with my Roomie, And he is still Holding a Grudge. It is Bit Better Now Somehow, But I sadly had to use Tough Love. He finally Settles down and is a little more Loving and Civil, Although I rarely call him and he never Picks up aPhone go call me neither. Of course, He has COPD and is in Stage 4 Now...My sister is closest to Care for Him, I live Farr away.Mom died and he till is Squawking and Talking about Her and the things she did to make his Life Hell. As far as you Go Here, Dear, Visit in a few weeks and just Overlook Her, Try and make lght of it and she may somehow come Around.

Nothing is your fault, and remember her brain is not working, it is not her fault either! She is now in a safe place and that is #1 importance at this stage.

My 93 year old dad has been in assisted living for 1-1/2 months. He had a hospital stay and the doctors told him he couldn't go home (this move was needed for a LONG time - the whole hospital thing was a blessing.) I stayed away for nearly 2 weeks right after the move because he was so mad at me. I have been guardian and conservator for just over a year so I normally see him weekly to deal with his care, bills etc. Nearly ALL he talks about is moving home and that he is going to walk out, call his attorney, talk to the doctors, etc. I told him I would not help him. We have care coming from his old care service 3 days a week to get him out of the facility, go to doctor appts. etc. He never complains to them and in fact, has begun doing activities there and seems to really enjoy it although he would never tell me that. One of the employees from the AL stopped me last weekend and told me he is socializing really well. It has and is a very slow process because my dad is very stubborn. I am told by everyone to give it time. In the meantime, he still visits his house for short times a couple days a week. I am weaning him off of it and hope we can sell in about 6 months.

She will calm down as she will want you to do something for her...you will then become her new best friend.

So many seniors fall victim to the Sweetheart Scammers, I am starting to believe that there is dementia involved in most every case. You did the right thing, she would have continued to send them money,,,cause they love her...don't you know!

Just sit tight things will calm down.

Sending support your way.

I am an only child with an 88 year old mom. She was amazing til 87. She mowed her own yard, volunteered at the hospital, went to church, did fun things with my husband and I. My father has been deceased for almost 15 years, and she rolled right along with her life. I know she missed him, but she was great for her age. She has never been sick in my 56 years prior to last year. She fainted and through up blood from an ulcer that we nor the doctors knew, even after going to see her family and doctor and emergency rooms about 6 times. She ended up in the hospital for two days, and that is all she wrote. She has never been the same. She is miserable. She doesn't go out of the house, but perhaps once a week to have her hair fixed, and that is so hard for her. She begins to chatter and shake if she has to go somewhere. She stopped going to church because she thinks everyone know her brain is broken. If you saw her, if she finally dresses up to go to a funeral or a special event, which is very difficult for her, she looks pretty normal. My husband thinks I am exaggerating the problem. She can turn it off when around others. She can walk as fast as I can, but something is wrong with her brain. She complains to me all day long when I call to check on her. I am a very kind and patient person, but her constant complaining on how old she is, how lonely she is, how old her house is, how many bills she has, I think I deal with that pretty well, but since I am the only one to help her, if anything, I mean ANYTHING, goes wrong, whether my my decision making or not, she BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING. My mother is very financially sound, and she and my dad spoiled me through my life, but she has always been conservative with herself. Now since she has this problem, every personality trait that she has always had has gotten 10 times worse. Growing up I couldn't do anything wrong in my dad's eyes, and nothing right in my mom's. I was trimming her shrubs the other day so she I wouldn't have to hear about having to pay someone to do it. Was a DISASTER. I didn't cut them right. I went crazy; crying, throwing the hedge trimmer down, yelling. I couldn't help it. I am trying to think why I do that. It is usually about once a week I have a melt down with her. Mom use to be the best cook in the world; especially her corn bread. I am not a cook, but since she doesn't cook any longer, I am trying to learn. She really doesn't complain about the food I bring. One day, I go see her every other day, I was bringing in her food, and she started talking about I was spending too much money on her food, something like that, and I had a container of a baked potato in my hand. I threw it down in the kitchen floor and started crying. The latest thing was her car insurance. It went up 16 dollars from last year. She started complaining that is was cause I went to DMV and put my name on her old car, so if she died before me, which probably won't happen, I wouldn't have to pay property taxes. That was another disaster, but back to the insurance. She wanted me to contact the agent and see what I could do to decrease her premium, which I told her and she liked that. She didn't sleep a wink that night and wanted me to call him and leave it alone. I did, then she was going crazy on me that I did it wrong, so I text him back. Anyway, when I went to see her last night, my tears, talking, fussing all started again. I can never do anything right in her eyes. Shame on me, I even told her I hated her and me too, while on the phone with her yesterday during all this back and forth with the insurance. I apologized. I do love her, but I told her if she was well, I wouldn't see her this much or definitely talk to her this much. I even told her that if I was married to her, I would file for a divorce. I pray to God all the time for his help, mercy, and forgiveness. What a terrible journey I am on with my mother.