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I agree, you do not have to allow her to live with you. If she has money, place her in an Assisted living. Then you see her when u want. When she gets started you can leave. If no money, maybe you can find a nice Board and care that will take her SS. You do not pay for her care.
You just tell her "Mom this is not working".
No one deserves to be treated like crap in their own home, so start today looking into placing her in the appropriate facility, on her dime of course.
And if money is an issue she can apply for Medicaid. Your local Area on Aging Agency or Senior Services can help you get started.
You do have a choice and a say in this matter in case you've forgotten.
Your mother is a manipulator just as mine is, the only difference is I would never live in the same house as her, in fact I haven't spoken to her in 13 years. 13 years of pure bliss.
Start looking for a place for her, then you can become her daughter again not her caregiver roommate, visit her when you want to, if she starts leave.
Does she have a living trust? ARE YOU POA FOR HEALTH AND FINANCES?
Are you on her accounts? Joint accounts or POA?
Start getting that into place now...
Then you can enjoy her as MOM in her new room. She can talk and play games with other residents...
Then she gets to enjoy seeing you. And if she starts attacking you verbally, Oh Mom I am sorry,, I forgot, I need to go.. The kids have appointments tomorrow, and got to go and get ready for tomorrow.... BYE BYE... LOVE YOU! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK... :)
AND THEN AGAIN, YOU CAN CALL THE STAFF TO SEE HOW SHE IS.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. At 90 there is probably plenty wrong with mom as she is very old. Just probably not anything that appeared treatable for her after examination in the hospital. I’m guessing here as you don’t give us any info on her health issues.
But I get it. She is living with you and you are worn down trying to care for her and put up with her personality.
Did you know it was okay to move her out? She might even be better off since she is so unhappy with you and your kids. I could not do what you are doing.
You need some space away from her. Big hugs and come here to vent. We care.