What to do when an elderly neighbor is asking for too much help?

Simplyblessed
what a sweetheart you are. Yes mothers always want everyone to know their chosen one “has to work”.

Sometimes it is easier to just go along with the part about her needing you after her son comes and It’s a long time until December. Since you are taking her to the doctor does she appear to have insurance?

Have you been in communication with the son?

You might call the Area Agency on Aging in your county and ask them to come do a needs assessment. Perhaps neighbor would qualify for some benefits to help you both out. You could call or ask her to call or give the number to the son.

Perhaps she would qualify to go into rehab for her injury? That would get her help and give you a break. Here is the link.

I know I’m telling you how to do more but the more might be just the ticket to ascertain sons intentions. It’s the middle of the night so more responders will be along in a few hours.

https://www.cpaaa.org/

The concept of "men work and women caregive" is pretty strongly embedded into today's generation of seniors. That she expects you to continue this even if her son moves nearby (I'd believe it when I see it...) is a big red flag.

Best nip it in the bud sooner rather than later unless you want to do this the rest of her life. There are plenty arrangements that can be made for her to get any help she needs that do not involve you.

Why is she hopping? If she can't walk due to and injured leg, hopping is going to lead to a fall. She needs a walker or a wheelchair, temporarily at least.

I think you need to have a sit down with her, now.

" I am happy to help you set up grocery delivery. I can take you to a doctor appointment once a month. Other than that, I can't offer more help. Here is the number for the Council on Agjng. Let's call them and have them come out and see what help they can offer".

Here you go:

https://www.cpaaa.org/services/seniors

Get in touch with these people, outline the situation, and then firmly but kindly hand your neighbour over to them. Build your boundaries now.

I am glad you have made a new friend. I am glad you have been there for her during these first stages of her increasing dependency. I hope that the two of you will grow in friendship, until and after her son arrives (which is another topic, but definitely not your problem).

But it is inappropriate - in spades! - for her to see you, an unqualified, unrelated person with no particular aptitude for the caregiver role, as her support plan for older age. Nip it in the bud. If you do that by signposting her to *much better* alternatives, you can put a stop to her wilder ideas without hurting or offending her or risking further problems ahead.

Bless you for your kind heart.

You are doing such a fine job... Either The Son turns up, is ever grateful, takes over as you morph back into neighbour or friend.

Or

You are doing such a fine job... He doesn't need to rush. Wait, did you say December??? Or come at all. 🚩🚩🚩

You really need to find a way to back away from this situation. It will only get worse. Son's arrival will get delayed.... Start being unavailable. As another person suggested, set up the automatic grocery delivery. Tell her you can't do more than 2 doctor visits a month. Contact the Office on Aging to see if they can provide any assistance. Do you have the son's contact information? If so call him and tell him her needs need to addressed now and it is more than a friendly neighbor can handle.

"...something's telling me to exit now."

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!

If her son hasn't figured out something already for his mother, then he's not in any rush and, as others have said, may be in no rush to even get there by December.

You can see how mission creep has already happened. It's only going to get worse.

I like the idea to offer to take her to one doctor visit/month and help her to arrange for grocery delivery. And guard those boundaries carefully, as it seems she will want to push them so that you are doing more.

How old is she? Is she able to use the computer to research things, order grocery delivery, etc?

It would be great if you could talk to the son.

A lot can happen to her and her son between now and December!

Does she have a computer? Can you set-up automatic grocery delivery for her? What about prescription delivery? You live in a major city - Wichita - and I googled "senior citizen transportation Wichita" and found Hire Senior Transportation in Wichita on the care.com website. It says the average hourly rate for drivers is $14.50.

You need to start stepping away and establishing healthy boundaries with your neighbor. Her needs are only going to increase. Her son may never show up and she's expecting your help even after he arrives, if he ever does.

Learn to say something like: "My schedule is changing in August and I will not be available to help you as much I have been. I want to help you set up grocery delivery and senior citizen transportation. I've taken the time to get information about these services for you." Then hand her a list with names of services and telephone numbers.

Sometimes, needy people get pushy. Remember that you do not need to explain yourself to her or give her any information about your personal life. Just be firm that she needs to avail herself of these services. A month is plenty of time to transition her.

I do feel sorry for this woman; I know what it's like to need help and have to rely on others, which is primarily the reason I indulge my stubbornness and decline help from neighbors, although I do accept it from a neighbor who I know genuinely wants to help.

I think you could turn this situation into something positive and long term though, by building up her confidence and letting her know that you can offer advice, but not physical assistance on a regular basis.   She very well could feel alone, and desperate (I've experienced that), so moral support will help her adapt to a new dimension in her life.   Consider your role one of transition if that helps.

Is there a good senior center in your area?  If so, contact them and find out what they offer.   The one in my father's area is outstanding.  There are 2 small buses available for regular grocery trips.    The charges are typically nominal, something like $2 or $3 per trip.   If I recall correctly, they still provide transportation for medical appointments as well.

Small buses in my experience are equipped with wheelchair lifts, and drivers are trained to assist those who need to bring their wheelchairs.  

Anyone who's "hopping" b/c she can't walk needs something like a rollator, which to me is safer than a walker.   The next time you take her to a doctor, raise this issue, either in person or by writing a note to the doctor and ensuring that when she checks in, the receptionist is given the note for the doctor.

I can't recall if we got a rollator with a script, or whether it was out of pocket.

Hopping is dangerous, so I'm thinking that she could also benefit from handholds (grab bars) throughout the house.   This would involve installation, by a carpenter.   This is when you can reach out to see what governmental support might be available.

After reading others' comments on the son, I wonder if he really is coming, or if she believes he is but he's not.   She  mentioned he'll be working; is he transferring b/c of job obligations, or to help her, although apparently she's not anticipating that much support from him.  However, I think it's easier and more emotionally comfortable for a woman to rely on another woman as opposed to a man, especially if it's not her husband.

I agree that this situation needs to be addressed, and very delicately, as you don't want her to feel abandoned, alone and desperate.   I've been there; it's not a destination I'd choose willingly. 

I'd also contact the county to see what's available; they often have broader options than the AAA.   In my area, that's the situation, as the AAA has terminated its support of caregiver expos, and is focusing more on their stay at home programs, for which they offer their own services as opposed to contractors.

Other options:

State:  
https://www.kdads.ks.gov/

https://kdads.ks.gov/commissions/home-community-based-services-(hcbs)

(Is she getting Medicaid?)

https://kdads.ks.gov/commissions/home-community-based-services-(hcbs)/programs/frail-elderly    

Sedgwick County:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/

Available services:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/available-services/

Supplemental food service:
https://umopendoor.org/food/commodity-supplemental-food-program/

Transportation:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/transportation/

(In my area small bus services are quite reasonable:   If I remember correctly, in 2019 they were $2.50 per trip).

Senior centers in your area:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/senior-centers/

Senior support through the Volunteer Program:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/rsvp-volunteer-program/

If she's a Veteran or Veteran's spouse, there may be other options for her as well.

I think you're wise to plan an exit, but do it in a way that leaves both of you feel satisfied and comfortable with your exit role.

You're in a pickle for sure., her needs may graduate to asking you to do things around the home. that she probably can't do anymore.

Barring that, she is probably, lonely, and likes your company, hence the taking to appointments and grocery store trips.

After the pandemic is over, maybe she could look at Adult Day Care. This would get her out of the house for a few hours; some even offer transporation to and from the facility. Good luck

Out of curiosity, have you ever spoke with her son?
Did he actually tell you that he’s moving back in December?
Has he been an active part of her life in the last 3 years or so but Covid out a halt to that?
or are you hearing this from her?

As others have posted, there lots of seniors programs as your in a bigger city. (Also it’s good for you to yourself know as there may be
things youd like to be involved with) Before she fell and injured herself, how did she manage? She had some sort of community interaction before you. Church, Sr program, neighborhood association, old friends…. How did she manage before relying on you?

Imagine being in this poor woman's shoes, having to lean on a neighbor by default! You show great empathy by helping her. Don't abandon her, but contact the son asap and feel him out. Then get the community/authorities involved, if the son's unreliable. Extricate yourself gracefully by bringing more people in. You're a saint!

Personally, I don't think it's your job to be a 'saint' by being this woman's caregiver. Period. You don't know her, yet you're expected to take her to doctor's appointments and get her groceries, and now she's telling you she'll still need your help after her son arrives SIX MONTHS FROM NOW b/c 'he has to work'? I wouldn't walk but RUN away from this situation and stop feeling obliged to care for this woman!

What if you get into an accident when driving her to the doctor?
What if she falls while under your 'care'?
What if she breaks her back during one of these falls and sonny boy blames YOU for the whole situation?

See where I'm going with all of this?

Her having 'no money' in no way obligates YOU to be her caregiver. If she owns a home, she has money. If she gets SSI, she has money.

She needs to call her SON on the phone right away & let him know she's hopping around b/c she can't walk and she needs HIS help NOW. That you're no longer available as her personal caregiver and that's that. This has so many red flags all over it that it's not even funny.

Please go with your gut on this one. Call APS and report a vulnerable senior if you feel that to be the case and/or if she tells you her son won't come sooner. That's the best thing you can do for her, in reality.

Wishing you the best of luck stepping back from this situation. A kind heart doesn't always pay off.

You don't really know if she has money to hire help or not. I think I would call the son and make sure he understands that her needs have increased since the fall. Suggest that it might be time to get some in-home help for her now and definitely will be needed if he is going to be working outside the home when he comes in December.

If you don't get any feedback from him about getting her some help, then you might have to be a little more direct. I don't mind helping from time to time, but I can't be the fulltime help for her. Can we talk about a plan? No harm in offering to get groceries when you go to get yours - that could be a huge help and you're already there. And you don't mind being on speed dial in the event she has an urgent issue, but she needs a little more help than you can give for the nex 6 mos. And continue to visit with her. Observation is good in case health declines even more

Since he (and his employment income) will be joining the house in December, there's no reason some of the money can't be used to pay for some help. Sometimes older people simply live so frugally and the mindset is 'I can't afford' this or that.

Don’t let your good intentions get in the way of her son’s responsibility.

You are wonderful person to help this woman. It is natural that she would become attached to you and your help. You have indicated that you will help her until her son arrives. Once he does, have a private conversation with him about your plans and begin to wean yourself off your involvement over time. If you do it suddenly she will be hurt and you will feel guilty, and you may not achieve a congenial outcome as you would like.

Listen to your gut. There maybe something you are sensing or don’t know that’s giving you that vibe. When I don’t listen to my gut, I always regret it.

Does she really have a son? Maybe he won’t come if she says she has a wonderful neighbor who is helping her. Maybe that’s why he’s waiting until December?

Someone else mentioned telling her your schedule will be changing on a certain date without providing too much detail. That seems like a good idea. You’ve already done so much to help. You shouldn’t do anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable. Also, many people have mentioned that you need to call her son. I say, if you’ve never met him and don’t have any sort of relationship with him, I would let her call him.

Ultimately, you should do what you feel comfortable doing. I think it will save you to listen to those gut feelings. Good luck. 💚

Call the local Department on Aging or the local authorities. She needs more help than just you.

Have you met this "son"? Do you have any contact info for this "son"? Is there really a "son"? If she is in such need and there is a son in the picture, why would it take until December for him to arrive?

I would suggest contacting APS and reporting a vulnerable adult. It's always nice to be neighborly and lend a helping hand now and then, say a ride when the car is in the shop, or picking up some items if someone is under the weather for a bit, but this is becoming a regular "thing."

Reimbursement for any items you buy for her, at her request is fine, but perhaps you shouldn't be taking any money from her, even if she's offering it. It puts you in a difficult position.

You really have no relationship with this woman and should find a way to back out of "helping" her before it gets out of control. Hopefully a confidential report to APS will get them to take it seriously and do a wellness check and assessment. Push comes to shove, and APS doesn't take this seriously, I would mention to her doctor that she is vulnerable and is in need of help NOW, yesterday even. You can explain you've been providing some assistance, but that you aren't related, don't really even know her, are not a caregiver and she's becoming more and more reliant on you. The doctor should report her needs to APS, which might have more clout.

Meanwhile, try to keep contact and assistance to a bare minimum and try to back out of all the helping. Her son, if there really is one, either needs to get his butt there to set up help for her or move up his plans. If there isn't really a son in the picture, this will become a neverending story for you! See if you can get contact info for him from her and have a polite chat. with him. If she can't provide contact info, contact APS asap and/or doctor. Someone else needs to ensure her needs are met.

Before you talk to her son, have a talk with her. No hinting around that caregiving isn't really your thing. Regardless of how grateful she is you have to speak to her plainly and say what you mean. Tell her that you understand she needs help but you cannot take on the responsibility of being her caregiver. This means no more escorting her to doctor's appointments or doing her grocery shopping. She will probably call her son herself. If she doesn't then you will have to.
Do you know for a fact that she can't afford to hire help? It could very well be that she just doesn't want to pay for it. Either way it's not your problem or responsibility.
The suggestion of making an anonymous call to APS is also a good idea. They will be better able to set her up with some social services.

You need to talk to son NOW, You have your own life to lead, and whilst a helping hand for the odd bit of shopping or the occasional visit to Dr is OK, expecting you to be her carer is not. Son (why can't he come until December - no one leave a relative they intend to care for unattended for 6+ months) needs to be taking on his responsibilities to sort out the care his mother needs now. He may be planning on moving (as others have said if he exists or if they are in contact) but she needs some care assistance now and as a neighbour it is good of you to do neighbourly things on a neighbourly frequency, you are not a replacement for her son (although it sounds as though in her mind you are rapidly becoming one) and you cannot be a replacement forever going forward. If you cannot talk to son now then reduce what you are doing so her reliance on you is reduced and she has to get taxis to Drs or similar - she has been living and managing so she has to have some income and needs to realise she is going to have to pay for some care. If the son refuses to get involved at this time then speak to local authority for the elderly and get them involved you really don't want to get sucked into becoming a free carer for this lady for ever.

I have been where you are. The need will only increase.
Do you know for sure the son is actually coming in Dec.?
How do you know she does not have money?

The person I was helping was EXTREMELY frugal, always wanting things for free, insisting she could not afford this and that. She owned her own home but always insisted she was broke. When she died, she left a half million to her grandchildren, which they all blew through in less than a year!

Your neighbor needs a walker or rollater (they can be found cheap on Craigslist or FB Marketplace).

Sorry, too many replies to read so sorry if this has been suggested.

Was the original arrangement made between you and the son? Or, is this what she is telling you? If the son, then you need to call him and tell him since her fall you are being expected to do more and more. That you feel he needs to come out now and evaluate the situation. That 6 months is too long under the new circumstances.

If you are going by what she tells you, time to call APS in. Tell them you didn't mind helping with the small things but since her fall she is relying on you more and more. They should evaluate her situation and contact the son. Maybe resources can be found to help her until he gets there.

I am SO worried about the hopping.

This tells me that either she isnt getting proper medical care or isnt listening (or understanding) what she is being told.

I agree with others who have suggested to contact the son to inform him that his mother needs an immediate change in her level of care and that if it doesn't happen fast enough you will need to call 911 or report her to APS, and that your caregiving ends at that point, even if she returns to her house. You should make this clear in writing to the son, like in an email or text, so that he can't say he didn't know or understand and also be very direct about telling your neighbor, hinting is obviously not enough of a clue for her. Instruct her to keep communicating her needs to her son.

I share the concern others have expressed as to whether there actually *is* a son - let alone whether son is planning on arriving in December (or at all). I can remember my dear grandmother repeatedly insisting that all would be well when her son arrived in town. Yes, the son existed but he did not have the information, patience, or the analytical ability to make everything OK. In terms of son's arrival time, I remember Grandma wondering if son would be getting there soon, getting there by Christmas, getting there by the time xyz happened. I don't know that she was ever 100% sure son was coming until he got there - and I wonder if that's what's happening in this situation. I cannot picture a son letting his mother's care be so uncertain for 6 months (until December) and that's what makes me wonder if there is no son, the son does not know he's supposed to show up in December, or maybe they are estranged or the son otherwise has no idea of his mom's care needs. In terms of "he has to work" that may be true, but my own parents had to tolerate career setbacks because their parents' care needs needed to be addressed. I think neighbor needs to talk to son directly and neighbor needs to tell son that he needs to appear ASAP to address his mother's care needs and get something in order for her. If he cannot or will not appear, then neighbor needs to alert the proper agency that there's a vulnerable elder - who is hopping around because she cannot walk. If son shows up in the meantime, he can address the situation as it is at that time. In terms of her having no money to pay for help, sometimes that's just not the case. I've seen wealthy people who think thrift store prices are too high and they won't even splurge on a cup of coffee from the donut shop. One never knows the truth when someone is self-reporting about their finances.

I agree with other posts
Contact the son or any other relative- does she have a phone/address book of relatives ?
Contact the county for senior services and advise in this -dont go it alone. THey have options and advice- use them.
You might even need to just call an ambulance ( if she is hopping/not walking/falls) and let the hospital social workers get involved or
call police for a welfare check and inform them you are not wanting to be her caregiver, and can they contact her son?

I am an elderly (78) neighbor with several health issues. When the pandemic triggered the "shelter in place" orders I took that very literally. I stayed home. At that point I also had some of my health issues become active. My newly-retired neighbor offered to shop for me, when she did her own shopping. Wonderful! I'd give her a small list, she'd get a separate receipt for my things, and I'd settle up with her periodically, to the penny. As I regained some health I decided to order my groceries delivered. This was an additional cost to me but it seemed necessary. And since I was no longer eating out (one of my favorite things to do) I could "afford" it.

To begin with she cooked a little extra once or twice a week and asked me if I'd like a serving of what she made. As my health got better I made meals for her and her husband (I love cooking) and she made meals for me. A very good arrangement for all of us!

As winter approached, she and another neighbor said I should never worry about getting my driveway plowed -- one of them would always do it when they did their own. Sometimes they couldn't do it because someone else in the neighborhood beat them to it!

I began having problems with falling. Once I couldn't get up and I called them. They helped me up and decided I should be checked out by EMTs, so they arranged that.

Neighbor also agreed to be on my call list for the Medic Alert system I signed up for. My local kids were, too, of course, but it is good to have someone so close to check things out!

I can get by on my SS income, but it is tight. I thought I couldn't afford cleaning help. I withdrew some of my pension funds to be able to pay for cleaning once a month for a year. That will actually help me stay at home longer. Sometimes we think we "can't afford" something if we are only thinking of our monthly income. There may be other options we should consider.

I began having problems with falling. Once I couldn't get up and I called them. They helped me up and decided I should be checked out by EMTs, so they arranged that.

Neighbor also agreed to be on my call list for the Medic Alert system I signed up for. My local kids were, too, of course, but it is good to have someone so close to check things out!

Neighbors have also given me rides occasionally to medical appointments when my car was in the shop or I wasn't up to driving and my sons couldn't do it. This is not constant nor regular. Just once in a while. But when it is needed it is a godsend.

Being a helpful neighbor is an important contribution to the community. It is awesome! But being "helpful" is not the same as taking responsibility for care. Simplyblessed you are right that you need to establish some boundaries. If you WANT to, establish some area or areas of HELP you are willing to contribute but don't get roped into a caregiving role. And ease out of helping beyond what you are willing to!

As for the son, there might have been a conversation something like this: "Mom, the company is opening up a branch in your city. I've applied to be transferred. If I get it I'd be moving there in December. It would be good to be closer to keep an eye on you!" I would not conclude Neighbor is lying, but I wouldn't count too heavily on son's arrival.

If you can, contact the son and let him know its kinda getting out of control? It is very kind of you to care for your neighbor's needs, but December is still 5 months away and it sounds as if neighbor needs more than a few hours a week. Can you continue caring for neighbor that long.

Suggest to son that mom needs more than you can handle, that she should have a needs assessment and a home health aid a several hours/wk.

Good Luck.

There is NO hinting.
Basically, I agree. Talk to the son first.

If you do not set limits or boundaries of what you will / can do or not do, the person in need will continue to ask - since you are not saying "No". Why would they stop asking since they have the need(s)?

People who are elderly (or not); in varying stages, both mentally and physically, or having current medical issues (surgeries, fall recoveries), are losing independence do need more help / support, and a percentage will feel fear.

You need to realize what your limit / boundaries are before you can express them to another and be able to stick to them. It is easy for many to fall into the bottomless pit of "s/he needs help" and this need is both recognized by you and the person in need may (or may not). They may speak in a way that pulls on your heart or guilt strings if you say no (manipulation).
- A person that needs [your] help may approach you or a person 'offering' by
(1) being gracious and appreciative in asking and not want to take advantage of you; or
(2) manipulative to get their needs met (due to physical needs and fear, being alone); it is human nature to want to survive, especially if a person believes they cannot do what they need to do on their own (they may or may not be able to).
(3) being unaware, and possibly a combination of 1 + 2 above.

- YOU MUST set your limits and you can do this by being VERY NICE and not defensive. You do not need to make excuses (this is what people do when they feel guilty or uncomfortable setting personal boundaries).
- PRACTICE with a friend or talk out loud how you want / need to speak to this person. If it were me, I might approach this as follows:
* I've enjoyed being able to assist you over these months doing XXX.
* I've noticed that your needs have increased over the last xxx (year, few weeks, months).
* I'm concerned about you and want you to get your needs met such as
xxx (shopping done ... transportation secured in advance for medical appointments) needs met.
* I am unable to take on any more additional responsibility helping you.
* I would be happy to talk with you about your care needs and brainstorm how you can get the help and support you need.
(consider: county social services, church volunteers, other neighbors).
* If you are so inclined: "I would be happy to spend an hour talking to you and your son to see how you can get your shopping and transportation needs met."

I WOULD PRESENT THIS NEIGHBOR with a written list of what you can / will do, when and how often so it is in writing. Leave it as flexible or open as is comfortable for you, i.e., "If I am available, I would be happy to XXX . . . " Don't make commitments you cannot keep.
- This list may need to be given (emailed) to the son, depending on the mental capacity of the woman/neighbor you are helping.

IMPORTANT TO REALIZE you can wear yourself out - burn out - if you do nothing. Then, you will want to avoid her and you'll feel miserable.
Perhaps you are burning out already and/or aware of going down a path you can no longer go down - thus prompting you to reach out to us. (Good !)

THE NEIGHBOR could feel a number of ways - when you set your limits:
anger, disappointment, fear ('what am I going to do now?), anxiety, or embarrassment.
* Initial interaction may be uncomfortable for both of you: you're expressing needs / boundaries are new to you (w this person) and she may feel / express many different feelings that are new / uncomfortable for her.
- If you are overwhelmed when having this conversation, listen and don't speak too soon. STOP and consider your response. If you are unsure about something, say "I'll need to consider that and get back to you."

* THE BEST POLICY is clarity.
- Take care of YOU first.
- Feel good about what you do.
- Having a clear understanding of what you agree to do.
- If you must cancel, give her as much notice as possible. Hopefully, the neighbors will help. Gena