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My mother has dementia, and she went through what you are going through mentally. At the beginning stages, she became very paranoid of me. She didn't understand that I wanted to help her. Instead, she thought I wanted to "take over her life," just like you. Your reaction to her is breaking her heart.
Please listen to your daughter and follow along. She is doing what is best for you. Please make it easier for her to help you and thank God she is there for you.
You don't know this woman's situation or her daughter's motives.
This is dangerous advice.
Maybe she is POA now? You have the right to select another POA if you so please, if competent. It certainly sounds as if you are.
Maybe daughter is looking out for your best interests. You may be competent, get with your doctor and ask for a diagnosis. You have the legal right to make your own decisions, if competent, regardless of how bad daughter thinks they are.
I also decided I didn't have enough information. You said pretty much what I wanted to say without all the emotion that I had.
Can we just go through this bit:
"I lent a person some money. I and my husband both did this when he was alive. She is convinced I am being scammed, She is possibly right, I've had doubts and hired a detective, checked with FBI and other agencies. I told her I would stop sending money..."
What do you mean, you *would* stop sending money? Does that mean that in spite of your reservations, in spite of your husband's no longer being with us, in spite of ongoing investigations even, you are STILL sending money?
Why???
You write so well and so fluently and seem so in command of the facts of the situation, that I'm wondering how it could be that you haven't yet extricated yourself from the clutches of a fraudster, if that's what's going on. Plenty of people fall for them, alas; it is by no means indicative of mental incompetence.
What does your lawyer say?
How would you hope to repair/retrieve your relationship with your daughter?
Obtaining guardianships over competent adults is almost impossible, so unless there is overwhelming medical evidence, Lonely doesn’t have to worry about that part, but it could be necessary if she’s being stripped of her assets.
Healthcare is not what it used to be and she will probably need every dime for the future. Remember, her version of the truth may not be so accurate also, In any case it all causes sad situation.
It is a growing problem that seniors give so much of what they have and what they don't have without realizing it. The majority are being scammed. Be thankful your daughter is looking after your best interest. Would you rather be destitute? What if you did not have a daughter? Enjoy the things you can and let go of the rest. We have so much to be grateful for in this life, count your blessings.
How do you know this?
This sounds like an issue that has been ongoing for some time with various scammers due to the fact that your daughter is filing for guardianship. Plus, you are lending money which you may or may not get back. I made a mistake 20 years of lending money to a co-worker to which she filed bankruptcy, and I never got a dime back.
Just keep in mind, it is expensive getting older. I had major sticker shock when my very elderly parents [90+] needed caregivers and eventually moves to senior care centers.
Try not to think of this being cruel and unnecessary, instead your daughter wants to make sure you have funds for those rainy days.
Older Adults Scammed More Often By Relatives Than Strangers, Study Finds
https://www.studyfinds.org/older-adults-scammed-elder-abuse-more-often-by-relatives-than-strangers-study-finds/
Lonely and old, trust your gut.
Enough said.
You say that your daughter doesn't want you to have a car.
Do you mean that she has told you that you shouldn't be driving? Has one of your doctors told you that? Are you in agreement, or do you think that your driving is just fine?
What do you think your daughter's motivation is?
The line that gives me pause is "she doesn't want me to have a car".
It goes one of two ways, doesn't it? Either the daughter wants to control mom's actions......OR mom is having multiple accidents, getting lost, calling daughter to come find her. Or a doctor has told OP that she shouldn't drive anymore.
Lonely, please come back with more information.
Yes, thank you. The OP doesn't necessarily need to thank her lucky stars she has a daughter. Daughter may be a monster, or she may be an angel.
I find it odd that people on this thread are advising @lonelyandold to roll over, count her blessings, and consider that things could be much worse if she didn't have a daughter. How do you know? We don't have enough information to know that the OP is giving away huge amounts of money or being scammed. We don't have enough information to take sides.
Most of us have the experience of trying to help our parents; some parents are very resistant to help, even after they've been diagnosed with dementia. Children who care worry that their parents give away money and will be left impoverished just when they need nursing home or memory care, which is expensive.
There are situations where the parent is too intractable and the children walk away and let the state take guardianship.
Some parents lose the ability to see that they may need money in the future to pay for care. They think "oh, I won't live that long" or "I'm going to die before I need to go into care". Read Dorker's thread for a cautionary tale of an elder to did a reverse mortgage so she could fund a facelift.
I'd love for the OP to come back and tell us more; I doubly wish that the daughter would find us as well.
Why did you go for a “mental exam”?
Have you been forgetting things recently or getting confused on certain routines?
Has anyone mentioned they’ve noticed you are acting differently lately?
What did the exam reveal? Or what did the doctor say?
What role do the 2 mental health nurses play?
Has a doctor prescribed a new medication lately (possibly for dementia)?
Are/Were you getting confused writing checks and paying bills?
Were you getting late notices from credit card companies or household monthly bills?
Can you record (and understand) all the transactions in your check register?
Why do you, your daughter and your son all need to pay lawyers?
Do you have trouble completing a full shower?
Why did you move closer to your daughter?
What is your response to your daughter telling you you can’t buy a dollar item?
Did you ever drive? And why don’t you drive now?
If you have doubts that you are being scammed by someone, why haven’t you cut it off previously?
These are just a few questions you should answer so we can get a better idea of what’s going on.
Until there is more information, I think Gladimhere gives good advice.
But along with all the changes came his feeling out of control completely of his life, when in fact he has managed all his life so well.
I think there could be some things you could do, speaking to your daughter. I know you likely appreciate all she is trying to do to safeguard you; people have lost 1,000s of dollar to scams. The scamsters are VERY clever.
If you sit with your daughter could you tell her that while you love her and so appreciate her protection you now feel that you cannot go to the dollar store without her OK. I was able to set up an account for my brother that is all his. It has a sum in it that will be added to as he spends it down, as needed, and it leaves him in control of when he would like to go on a tour, go out to eat, go to the dentist and etc.
I hope you can come to a happy agreement. I know you are happy to have her, and without her your future could be so much more uncertain. But I also know how it changes a relationship from "little sister" and "big brother" much as it would "Mom" and "daughter". There are times the role-reversal fears and feelings are so uncomfortable. Do just know it is all about love. Gently explain your feelings; I hope she will be receptive.
Lonelyandold, If my parents had been more computer literate, years ago, this post could have been written by them. After many years of trying unsuccessfully to help them with one bad, financial decision after another, my siblings and I had to take over total control of our parents’ money. They were tens of thousands of dollars in debt without the ability to pay it, and were about to lose their home. Luckily, we did not have to go the guardianship route because we were finally able to convince them that they couldn’t do it anymore (actually, my mother never did admit this, though she did give up the purse strings). We did this for them for many years, using their money to pay their bills, keep up the house, and pay for professional caregivers. As their needs increased in the later years, all the children contributed extra money for home repairs and more home health care. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to my parents if we had not stepped in. I guess they would have become wards of the state. As it was they were able to stay in their home years past the time they became eligible for a nursing home.
I hope you come back to give us more information. We do care.
You can also petition for someone of your choosing to be your guardian, it doesn't have to be one of your children.
I hope that whatever is in your best interest happens for you.
I am a daughter who is concerned about my parent's spending. Dad is a hoarder, he truly does not need that item that costs $1 or $500. Yes, Dad just bought a $500+ chainsaw. Never mind he cannot lift it. Nor that he has three smaller and many larger chainsaws already.
Are the friends your dd does not want to to see ,the same ones you are loaning money to? Who are they? Are you ware that if you are in the USA, you may not be eligible for Medicaid funding in the future if you need it? This would place a huge financial/care burden on your children.
Why does your dd not want you to have a car? You say she offers to drive you where you need to go. I know my Dad passed his driver's medical earlier this year, but it scares me that he is still driving. If you walk around his car or his old truck you can see the bumps and dings where he has bumped into things, not the other way around.
I had a neighbour who could still play a mean game of bridge and did most days at the seniors centre, but could not tell the difference between boys and girls after her stroke.
On the other hand she could be someone who wants to control your life for reasons that have nothing to do with your capacity.
We usually find there is a back story which helps us understand more about what is going on.
Like Barb had mentioned, which the daughter could come on-line to give us a better understanding of the situation.
The only thing that could be done is another doctors evaluation that would state the first one is a misdiagnosis. And good luck finding a doctor that would do that. Then it would be paying another lawyer to take this to court.
after Some medical issues my parents and I finally came to the mutual agreement that I become POA so I could help make decisions on their behalf. I need to sell their home, clean out the hoarding etc.
we don't have enough information from the other side on this situation. I did not swoop in and treat my parents as if they can’t make decisions on their own. I try to make sure they are as in control of their life as humanly possible. Communication, patience and respect has allowed my parents and I to get along and has allowed them to feel that I didn’t just swoop in and take over their life.
I don’t think —with the information you’ve given—your daughter has a chance in hell of getting guardianship but I do find it concerning that somehow you’re footing the bill for her legal fees to try to do so.
Nothing wrong with that, some people do like to approach things from the viewpoint of the person they're concerned about; but anyway whoever posted I wish s/he'd come back!
This story is lacking too much information to know what is truly going on.
Regardless, I wish you well. Sorry things are not going well for you and your daughter.
I am aware that court costs can be paid out of the principal's assets, but there has been no explanation as to how they have tapped into mom's money... We can only hope for an update in this saga...
Thank you for caring for this woman. You’re very kind.
The elderly are vulnerable. Sometimes those who take advantage are strangers or people that are involved in their lives, children, other family members, neighbors, etc.
My mom’s neighbor was a lovely elderly woman that I knew since childhood. The woman across the street took advantage of her. This lady had a cemetery plot that was paid for in the Jewish cemetery. She had plenty of money to have everything taken care of.
The woman across the street had the woman cremated and proceeded to pass out spoons to each of the neighbors to scoop out the ashes to place in the woman’s garden. My parents could not participate. They kept thinking of how Elizabeth wanted to be buried, not cremated.
She took control of her house, stocks, bonds, etc. She even emptied out her house and had a garage sale!
The lady had no family alive to fight for her. It was awful. She died without any of her last wishes being carried out. She was in sound mind, no dementia at all. It’s a terrible shame that people can abuse the elderly without giving it a second thought.
I can’t say what is what regarding the OP but in my mom’s neighbor’s case it was truly sad.
The more I'm in this senior time of life, the more the true realities sink in... including being invisible.
Read what happened to my mom’s neighbor below your posts. She bought her own plot. Had her own headstone too. A horrible neighbor that she trusted had her cremated and placed her ashes in the garden at her home.
She had no family. She wasn’t married, never had kids.