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Don’t promise to keep mother in law living with you forever .
if there will be 3 of you living in the house then it would be
1/3 of ALL household expenses.
Mortgage, ALL utilities, (gas, electric, cable, landline if you have one, garbage, sewer, water, newspaper) food expenses, homeowners insurance, property taxes
If you take her to the doctor or anyplace then you charge her $0.67 per mile
Check your area for the going rate of caregiver services. A quick search tells me in my area 24 hour caregiver would be a bit under $22,000 per month based on about $30.00 per hour. Search your area it might be more or less.
Now are you going to have to change your home to make accommodations?
*Do you have carpet that needs to be taken up and replaced with water resistant flooring?
*Do you have wide hallways so a wheelchair can be used easily?
*Do you have wide doorways? (there are full swing hinges that can be put on that will allow another few inches of clearance)
*Do you have a large enough bathroom that can be used by 2 or 3 people with one in a wheelchair or on a Hoyer Lift?
*Do you have a zero entry shower or at lest one that will be easy entry to someone that is in a wheelchair or in a Hoyer Lift?
*Do you have a lot of stairs?
These are just a few of the obstacles that you might have to overcome.
How much will this effect your marriage?
Are you ready to give up your wife as she will become the full time caregiver.
How much will you be expected to do? And are you willing to do it?
Financial aspect of this is just 1 part. There is a lot m ore than the "simple" how much to charge her to live with you..
These multigenerational living arrangements become difficult for all. Your home will not be your home anymore. You won't have the privacy you've always enjoyed even if she's in separate quarters. MIL with dementia will not stay the same as she is now. In fact, in a couple of years, you probably will not even recognize her as the person she used to be. All the filters come off. I doubt that you or your family have the training to take care of her as she will need to be cared for 24/7. The first time she walks into your living room stark naked with her Depends on her head while you have guests will be a real eye opener in more ways than one! This happened to my friend whose mother I've known since childhood as an elegant refined lady with a beautiful smile and a gentle manner - but dementia turned her into THAT.
Start scoping out memory care facilities. You'll find nice ones with caring attendants, beautiful grounds, activities planned for those with dementia, and great food. It is a kindness to place a loved one in those places. You can visit at any time and enjoy MIL's company, which you won't be doing for long if she moves in with you.
The good news is she's not incontinent, which for many is a deal breaker. Please read the many post on this forum under the Burn Out care topic to see the reality of what you'd be in for if you live with her. You can still choose to do it but go into it with your eyes fully open and an a realistic (and legal) exit plan for if/when you get overwhelmed by her behaviors and needs. No amount of payment will compensate for that.
But to answer your question: since my Mom lives in a house that we own, we only charge her what it costs to keep and maintain the house (so, not profit, just pass-through). She pays her cable, utilities, and anything "extra" she wants done that we feel isn't totally necessary. She only makes $1500 SS per month. Her house is across the street from a popular suburban recreational lake so anyone else's rent would be 4x what we're charging her. I also have her contribute to grocery expenses since she eats dinners with us most of the time. I have printed rent invoices for every month that are itemized, and receipts.
But I don't charge her for "care"... if this becomes necessary then she's going to be transitioned into a nearby facility. The agreement is she goes when she's no longer safe in her home or I'm overwhelmed. She'll never remember this agreement so it will be a fight for sure.
Then you have others who are in this mindset to make you a servant. No, you let her go to an assisted living or nursing home depending upon her condition at the time and what she can afford. You don't pay.
I was taking care of both my parents in their home , Mom had dementia ( previously had had a stroke ) , Dad had cancer and CHF . I at least came home every night to my own home . If I had to live with them 24 hours a day , I believe I would have been dead by now .
You and spouse will end up being servants , as your mother in law will have no filter , not respect any boundaries , will believe she calls all the shots . She will take over your home . Your marriage , mental health , physical health will suffer.
When I was at the end of my rope. Mom’s doctor told me “ There often comes a time when a dementia patient can not be taken care of by family “, they will boss family around , not be cooperative . Also when it’s an adult child taking care of them , they still think they are the parent and you have to obey them .
The doctor told me my mother had to be taken care of by “ non family “ that she could not try to boss .
There is not a price high enough that would be worth the disruption, stress and burn out that caring for someone with dementia would cause in your home.
Are you and your spouse ready to be changing diapers at all hours of the day, putting secure locks on all doors so your MIL can't wander outside, making and feeding her her meals as she progresses and can't feed herself, and being woken up at all hours when she's having hallucinations, thus you both running on empty and bone tired???
40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. You DO NOT want that to be you or your spouse now do you?
Perhaps it's best now to be looking into placing your MIL in an assisted living facility with a memory unit attached for when she gets worse, so you and your spouse can just be her loving family members and advocates and not her burned and stressed out caregivers.