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This is a very common thing that we hear about on this site. Men come across as strong/ in charge and fold when it comes to their mother.
I agree he is putting her first, where his wife and children should come first.
You can change your boundaries, do not participate in this nonsense, don't answer the phone when she calls, let him deal with it, back away from doing anything for her, let him do everything, he may wake up and say "Too Much".
I am sorry that you are going thru this.
Your profile says MIL is not paying for AL. Who is? I trust NOT you.
Is there a geriatric psychiatrist who visits residents at the facility?
Is your husband POA?
I agree with MeDolly that this is your husband's problem to stand up to.
Consider a few sessions with a marital therapist or working with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker yourself to learn how to detach from with situation, which must be maddening.
This is clearly a dance that your husband was taught by his mother (and father). Only he can learn how to get off the dance floor.
OP, i don't have any solutions for you.
i wish you well, your husband, your MIL.
i'm only writing comments here:
only you know the full picture.
and what about your parents? maybe they're still young and healthy? i guess you haven't been in the situation yet, of helping your elderly parents? (otherwise i guess you would have mentioned how it was, when you took care of your needy, elderly parents).
i can understand the situation is difficult -- and i don't know your situation.
let me just say that sometimes (i don't mean you), the spouse actually unfairly cuts time for the adult child to help their elderly LOs. it's a question of balance, for sure. what i mean is that sometimes, it goes in the other direction, as in the adult child really should help more, but the spouse tries to prevent it.
(and then, suddenly the siblings of that absent-adult-child, have to do everything).
of course it can also go in the other direction:
the adult child really is doing way too much to help, and the spouse is right in asking the adult child to cut down the time.
it's not easy.
i'm actually kind of surprised, that so many married couples get into disagreements about all this later. when one marries, one knows very well, it's not really a marriage just between X and Y. it's also a marriage into a family. and the in-laws will become elderly and will need help, and hopefully (at least theoretically, even tough in reality/concretely that might change), the couple (before they marry), discussed what their attitude would be towards helping elderly LOs.
i really am surprised, because it almost seems like so many married couples are totally surprised when the moment comes and the elderly in-laws need help. it's like they never thought about it, nor what they would/wouldn't be willing to do.
i'm wishing you well OP, and your whole family.
You can’t make your husband do or not do something since he is an adult (believe me, I get this) and your MIL is just beyond help in her own world. (I don’t mean this in an ugly way).
Obviously he doesn’t have to keep answering the phone and also he can call her once a day or even every other day, but until he is willing to change something here, there is nothing you can do.
I took a cruise by myself last year to Alaska. (Not related to MIL who was holding her own then). The prices were incredible for last minute on Holland America. I met up with other solo travelers and we had a good time. The husband of one lady had terminal cancer. He was supposed to go but was scared of getting stuck in an Alaska hospital but he was also holding his own so he begged his wife to go without him while she could and before things got worse for him. So she did to also test out going alone for future trips. He died 4 months later and now she is taking another longer cruise back to Alaska by herself. In the end, it was a gift he gave her.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I’d seriously consider at least a weekend to yourself.
Did you follow any of those suggestions? It seems like the answer is no.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/mil-in-alf-demands-expects-is-spoiledmeanhateful-and-texts-and-calls-her-son-obsessively-any-advice-477944.htm
The only thing your DH can do is stop picking up the phone. He does not have to talk to Mom every time she calls. He tells her he will call her after her dinner maybe at 7 every night. She is not to call him at work, he could get fired for that. She has staff available to her, use them. He needs to put those big boy pants on and tell her that he is your husband first and her son second. That your his priority. "Man leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife" BOUNDARIES! Especially with this personality.
I think the book Boundaries would be a good read for DH. Its by Townsend and Cloud and is Christian based.
This problem will not be solved until your husband does something about it.
This is your husband's problem, and you need to step away and let him be in charge of it.Your MIL is now in care. How much of his day is spent interacting with her there is up to him. The only thing YOU can do if this is directly impacting you is to request marriage counseling, stay, or go.I fail to understanding wishing to "shoot" yourself over how your husband handles his relationship with his mom who is already in care.If/when he moans and groans about having no choice tell him that you can't help him with feeling that way, that he should see a counselor. Then get on with making a life for YOURSELF. Whether it is friends for lunch, playing solitaire, reading, gardening, walking, knitting, going to the library, volunteering, fostering dogs or kittens, facebook chat groups, or whatever, there are things for you to do other than asking your husband how often his mom called him at work. If HE is the one bringing those woes to you tell him "I am so sorry" and get on with your day.You cannot change others. You cannot fix their responses to difficult situations. If he ASKS you to help him set boundaries then make some few suggestions, but make them ONCE, and don't revisit whether he is implementing those boundaries or not.Just my advice. And could be said simpler by only saying "You cannot change other people to behave the way you think best for them". As you will see if you read Forum at all, many here would give anything to have their elder safely placed in care, and to have a chance to live their own lives. They would do anything to be in your and your husband's position, with your choices. It is up to you both INDIVIDUALLY whether or not you take advantage of your great good luck.I sure do wish the best for you both.
My MIL long ago stopped calling our landline to talk to DH. I'd take the message and pass it along to DH and he would ignore it. Over and over. Then, finally when she'd 'catch him' at home I'd hand him the phone and the look on his face! sad little boy! Mommy found me! I'm in trouble!
She blamed ME for not passing along messages and he never disabused her of that idea. So I gave her his cell phone number and asked her not to call the house, that she could ALWAYS get him on his cell.
DH was NOT happy. She'd call all hours of the day and night with the dumbest requests. ("My back sprinkler isn't covering enough of the lawn and I have to drag a hose out there and hand water and I'm old and tired..".) stuff like that. I swear she'd loosen the hinges on her kitchen cabinets so she could call in a panic and need him 'right now!" (For the record, in 47 years of owning a home, I have never had all my kitchen cabinet hinges come loose.)
Anyway, she now just calls his cell. IDK how often or what about. I know he mostly ignores the calls and when he can stand it, he will trundle up to her house and fix everything.
He absolutely HATES talking to her on the phone as she is negative and complaining all the time. But, she's HIS problem. And yes, many times when I'd watch him packing up tools to go to her house and fix stuff, I'd have to grit my teeth. HER needs always came ahead of mine.
He most assuredly has the choice to say no to her. He doesn't. The ties that were established when he was a kid are still pretty firmly entrenched.
Your DH has the choice to not take calls. He is the one who has to set boundaries. In his own way, my DH does that. Completely ghosting her at times, and then having a 'guilty' moment and calling her back to see what she needs.
It's never been a healthy relationship and I hold no dreams that it will be OK-as she is now in Hospice care at home and he's caring for her, along with his 2 sibs. He HAS to take her calls--the other night she called b/c she wanted him to 'put her to bed'. SERIOUSLY? (he went, BTW)
I'd encourage your DH to screen the calls and talk to her once a day or even every other day. If this were a give and take relationship, it would be one thing, right? But the negativity of the calls and calling him to call the NH is ridiculous.
I'm just riding this out until MIL passes or goes into care. THEN we will be getting marriage counseling, b/c wow, we have some issues to work on!
He should get some therapy to learn to set down boundaries with mom, and marriage counseling for both of you to learn how to communicate properly.
Best of luck to you.