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Moving a spouse into MC is an emotional, nerve racking, and anxious experience. But if you no longer can care for her, you can still provide care for her. I took my wife with me to visit some facilities and told her we should look at senior living and maybe sell the condo. Once inside I emphasized the beautiful fireplace, courtyard, beauty salon, meal prep and other amenities. I'm not saying it will work for you because those things may not be important to your wife. There are no magic phrases or words to make this an easy transition. I hope other responses from the forum will help you.
Was she diagnosed early enough to understand the disease she has, and where it would lead? This was the case with my brother and his Lewy's. We were honest with one another, we planned and strategized together. Happily, for him, for me, he did not live long enough for the long descent into the disease.
How much of what you say will your wife retain? For me it would be simply to gently explain that the time had come when she was not safe at home in my care, when I could no longer watch over her, and that I would never abandon her, and would see her often, but that she would be moving someplace now where I hoped she would be happy and comfortable and safe. There is nothing else really you can say or do, and there is no way you can make this nice. She will likely be angry, will mourn; this is worth mourning. What bigger loss can you imagine than this. She has a right to mourn this. I am so very very sorry. She is so very young. I hope you are seeking help, support groups, whatever you can find, because this is the beginning of such a real loss of your wife. Her body is there, but her mind, her memories will not be. I recommend reading everything that Oliver Sacks ever wrote; his study was the mind changed, his life spent on it. He believed that victims of this dementia have a world; it is just a world so changed from ours we cannot recognize it. Another good book is Still Time by Jean Hegland; she worked in memory care for a long time as a volunteer. As a novel it isn't real life, but follows the going into care of a Literature Professor, and is told from his own perspective.
He lives by himself and sleeps about 12 hours a day. I live 1500 miles away, and his daughter lives 45 minutes away. She works full time and goes to college. She's always been daddy's girl and I know it is heartbreaking for her to go through this. She's been great at taking him places, like the attorney's when we set up POA paperwork as well as the doctor's. We have another brother 1000 miles from him who is on board with decision making and finances.. Last week he and I came to the conclusion our brother needs to be in assisted living of some kind where he can get three meals a day, someone can help him with his meds, he can meet a lot of people, and be a lot closer to his daughter. He was the suspicious type before all this so I don't see him being comfortable with in home care.
I contacted our elder law office for help and the first thing she needs is a diagnosis from the doctor and she will help us find the best place for him and assist with his Medicaid. So I've done all the right stuff by him. But the grief has been unreal. I'm much closer to him than I was to my parents and his terminal condition has affected me far more than when my parents were close to death. If Covid wasn't an issue I would go visit. I don't know how to tell him. Perhaps he and my niece can go to the attorney's office and I can be a part of the conversation by zoom. I hope that talking up being a lot closer to his daughter, three squares a day snd no more worry about bills or cleaning will help.
My Mum's best friend was younger and it literally killed her husband keeping her at home. Once he died, her daughter had her put into a nursing home with a memory care wing. She lived another 20+ years, but only her body was alive, her mind was gone.
Before her husband died, she became increasingly violent. She no longer recognized her husband and thought he was a rapist one night when they went to bed. Another day she took a carving knife to him. It was devastating to see her lose her mind.
I have no idea if her quick decline from an active women who worked for the provincial government, belonged to social groups, entertained often, to a scared, violent shell is a common feature of early onset Alz, but let me tell you it was sad and scary.
If something gentle and peaceful like this might work, give it a try. If she’s focused on the idea that she doesn’t have a memory problem, then stay with HER thinking.
You know better than anyone else what will be soothing and will help her to move forward as comfortably as possible.
Has it become progressively more difficult for you to manage her personal needs by yourself? Are you comfortable with placing her in full time care?
Does she argue with you about allowing you to help her? Finally what “experts” have you consulted? Are you satisfied with their conclusions regarding your wife’s
needs?
As to when to tell her, I’d ask the people who will be meeting you when she arrives. In memory loss, the “when” is not too important, since it will likely be quickly forgotten, but if you expect her to become upset or troubled, wait until the morning she’ll be moving to her new residence.
Also be sure to ask the residence staff how often you should attempt to visit or get in touch with her during her first few days. It is often better to stay away until she becomes more familiar and comfortable relying on the staff who will be taking care of her.
Don’t get too far into details. Stress how pleasant, friendly, and peaceful the new setting will be for her.
It sounds as though you’ve covered most of the toughest part. Try to relax yourself a bit too.