What am I supposed to be doing daily with my 97 year old mother with dementia?

Put her in a facility that has daily events and people her own age to interact with.

What about adult day care? She would have activity to do all day long.

Hi there. My 79yo dad lives with my husband and me. Dad would eat junk all day if I let him. His hygiene is not great, so I never let him handle any food that hubby and I will be eating also. We use a cable padlock and lock the fridge at night and whenever we will not be able to monitor it. (We never leave him alone, but if we're working in a back bedroom, etc). So far, he hasn't thought about getting into the food cupboards, but if he ever does, I will lock this as well, or put all the shelf stable food into a lockable cabinet.
I also dish out the meals, and what I put on the plate is what he gets. I always give him enough, but if I put the pan out on the table, he would ask for more, so I just don't do it. Food is expensive. You can't afford to let your mom just free graze. It's not good for her either. I hope this helps with the food portion of your issues. I assume she loves with you partly because she doesn't make good decisions on her own anymore? Food is one of them. God bless!

This is more of a vent than an answer or a question. For years, I have supported my mom with activities she likes and helped her find activities to keep her occupied. But more and more often, she is creating more and more activities that keep me busy! To the point that I can hardly take it anymore.

My mom likes to watch movies. If she is interested in the movie, she can sit and watch a two hour movie (great!) Her favorites are dog movies. I have bought her every dog movie I can find and have a substantial collection of dog movies and other movies as well.

For years, she liked watching the squirrels and birds and feeding them. Her morning routine was to put out the bird feeder and food bowls for the squirrels. And also to toss a peanut to the squirrels that come to the sliding glass door begging for a peanut and refill their bowls when needed. But as her dementia got worse, she started forgetting to put the bird feeder and squirrel food out. Most often, I am the one that has to do this now. And many times, when a squirrel comes to the glass door begging for a peanut, it doesn't even register in her mind that he is wanting a peanut! And she doesn't bother refilling the bowls after the squirrels have emptied them. So her routines are become less and less "routine" as her dementia gets worse. But I have found myself having to adopt some of her routines, like tend to the birds and squirrels.

The one routine my mother is locked into and doesn't miss a beat at is EATING. Which is a problem in more ways than one. She has gotten to the point that she eats constantly. She will literally eat a FAMILY SIZE bag of pork skins in a day! Every time I cook a pound of sausage to have with our eggs in the morning, we will both have one piece. The pound gives us atleast 12 pieces, and yet, I ALWAYS only get one piece out of the whole pound because she will finish off every single piece often in one day like they are potato chips! NOT good for her health! I have to hide the sausage and lately, even that doesn't work.

Doing the dishes was an activity that my mom was doing, which helped me out a lot. We had a deal....I cook and you do the dishes. Now, she often doesn't want to wash the dishes. She even started just wiping them off with a paper towel and putting them in the cabinet dirty! So I have to cook and do dishes now. I don't mind doing dishes, but it's one less thing I have to keep her occupied.

One activity that she invented for herself was to RELOCATE things. Like eating, she has never let up in this activity. This is one activity I wish she would not do. It drives me nuts! I have to lock up everything that I can't afford for her to relocate. Every day, things are in a new location. And just this week, I had to start locking my room after I found my car keys in the kitchen where she had relocated them from my night stand! later that night while in bed, I felt something under my covers and it was another set of my keys! Now I keep my door locked.

Another activity she invented for herself was re-packaging! It doesn't matter how well or how convenient things are packaged, she will repackage them! Especially food! A zip lock bag or any "single" container isn't convenient enough for her. She will have bags and even open bowls laying all over the place with the same food items in them. She often has two bowls of the same item at the table in front of her.

When I buy a bag of apples, she turns it into an Easter egg hunt! Relocate, relocate relocate! She seems to be hiding them from me! While this may give her something to do, it doesn't help me at all! especially when I find food in a covey hole that has turned GREEN! Or find the apples or bananas in the FREEZER. Plundering is another activity and often includes relocating. She also packs her bags almost every day to go home, even though she is already at home. She has emptied almost every drawer in her room.

So now she is the one (Unknowingly) creating activities FOR ME.

Short term memory problems erode those *To Do* lists of daily stuff we hold in our head.

I think having a routine helps. "Now it's time to *insert*".

It could be even a vague routine eg Time to wash & dress for the day. Time for chores. Time for a rest. Time to eat dinner.

If your Mom was the busy productive sort she may have a strong need to be *useful*.

Folding towels does have it's use! I thought that would be just the thing for my Mother, (always had been on top of the laundry tasks) but sadly no. But now loves to look at catalogues.. so that's a win.

My mom uses that same phrasing but "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing" is how she puts it. Yup. They just don't know. Sad.

I like lea's idea of having a schedule. Write it down and post it and give it to her to look at (if she can still read it and understand it).

Come up with vague responses to her constant repetitive questions. "not much mom" or "same as yesterday" or whatever you're comfortable with. Keep it short and sweet. If she's anything like my mom, she won't remember in 2 minutes so there's no sense in a detailed explanation. It just doesn't really matter what we tell them cuz they won't remember and they're no longer is charge of planning or remembering what to do anyhow.

My mom is 79 and I can't imagine her living until 97!

Best of luck.

You'd be best off to establish a bit of a routine with your mom; dementia makes it so that the elder functions better that way. Wake up, get washed up, eat breakfast, fold towels, listen to music, eat lunch, do chair exercises, fold more towels, do a large piece puzzle (if able) color, nap, dinnertime, tv (no news), wash up & get ready for bed, bed time, as an example. You can come up with a routine of your own based on what works best for you. Elders with dementia do well when given a simple task such as folding wash cloths or sorting clothes pins or shucking peas, etc. Simple, repetitive tasks work well for them unless the dementia is advanced to the point where simple instructions cannot be followed.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


Here is a link to a bunch of activities specifically designed for dementia patients to keep them engaged:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=alzheimers+activities&crid=1PUK5Q14UN60Z&sprefix=alzheimers+%2Caps%2C498&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_11

Wishing you the best of luck.