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when I suggested asking her if there was something in particular she wanted "at home" I didn't mean, ask her a practical question and expect a real answer.
This or any other question is intended purely to open channels of communication. Suppose she comes back with "I left the freezer defrosting, the kitchen floor will be awash!" - the very *last* thing you would do is tell her she did no such thing and the kitchen floor is fine. Instead, you'd say something like "oh, I know you've always been very careful about that job - don't you remember you used to keep old bath sheets to mop up the leaks? They were on the shelf in the basement, next to Dad's plumbing kit."
Her thoughts are jumbled, but you'll probably recognise the bits of reality they include. By using those, you can figure out what the chain of thought is and gradually reconnect her with where she is now - i.e. at home with you, where she lives, and about to have dinner.
You know for several years I would read on here about everyone's parents wanting to go home. My Mom was in her own home on Easter Sunday 2 years ago. We were doing dishes my sis and I. She was standing in the kitchen watching us and said "I can't believe I'm not even in my own house but you guys decorated this just like my own kitchen. Giant pause...
For about 4 years every dang day before this she would ask about the house she grew up in. Who lived there, etc. Were her patents alive go through the list of siblings.
Now 7 1/2 years later I finally have to put her in memory care. I can do so many things but all those years of the daily home and family questions were killing me!!!
Now I am closing the 4th generation family western store. This was HER family. I will never tell her this. We still own her house. Finally after hearing all this on here about when they want to go home, it's really their childhood home...I get it. Now In the MC unit she just asks about her mom and dad and siblings. She thinks everyone is in her old family home just waiting for her. I will NEVER kill this dream. I creatively use fibblets. I'm sorry but this has been going on 5 years.
When I finally decided I would just start to lie (spelling) like a dog, it really got better. It will drive you crazy when it goes on forever but the good news is "This too shall pass" and it does. She mentions it less and less and I always agree it will be so good to get back home. Because I believe it will be great. I think everyone is waiting to greet her with the Lord in Heaven. And she will Finally be Home!
Then there are the emotional issues. And here again it's a no, but for different reasons.
1. it wouldn't make any difference. Just as your mother can no longer manage the thinking processes behind where she lives and where her things belong and what's going in general, neither would she retain the information that "her" house has been sold and now belongs to another family. So telling her would do nothing more than cause temporary agitation and distress. It would not explain anything to her, or soothe any anxieties.
2. it wouldn't help *her*. When your mother wants to be taken to her house, arguments against doing that will have no weight for her. Whether you were to tell her that she doesn't live there now, that it's the middle of the night, that it's been quarantined because of anthrax or blown up by a rogue UAV; the only thought process her brain can compute is "go home go home." So, again, explaining that the house has been sold will not help her.
Redirecting is indeed the correct approach - have you tried the questioning technique, rather than the changing the subject technique? E.g. "well I don't think we can go now, mother, we're just about to eat. Was there something in particular you wanted from home?" The idea of the questions is to help her express her preoccupations and anxieties, and with luck lead her gently back to what's happening right now without having to contradict or obstruct her.
I am afraid that you are right to suppose that this will go on whatever you do. How are you and your husband coping with this extremely challenging phase? I suppose what I'm asking, actually, is how much more can you take? Do you have any support or any respite?
Your response and others have helped me know that I will not tell her about the house, but will just keep trying to find out what she might want if anything when she asks to go back to her house.
I do have some support and a little respite.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I am just now learning to blame the doctor. For those who haven't tried it, that has helped with Mom, then we can both be mad/sad at the doctor and she doesn't vent her anger at me.
I don't know the answer. I'm not an expert in this kind of thing at all. It may be that you just have to continue to cope on a moment by moment basis as much as you can (interspersed with leaving the room, etc.). It's hard to know whether she will understand what you explain, or retain it.
Perhaps limit the number of items you bring over from her house so she doesn't become upset by them.
My experience with my mom's obsessive questionings is that I just come up with a bland answer ("I'm not sure" or "We'll see") and commit to saying it over and over and over and over and over until I can leave the room for a while. Eventually she forgets to ask, then I know I'm over the hump with that one, anyway. Until the next one.
Good luck. This is tough.
Thanks
I'm probably going to have to tell my mom that I have to sell her house. She's in AL right now and it's located only 1.5 miles away from her home. My approach (I think) is going to be that her home is not "safe" for her anymore and it needs a lot of "repairs." I'm going to tell her that it makes more financial sense to sell it so she has more money to live off of. This, by the way, is true so that helps me. Maybe this approach can work for you too?
This is such a delicate situation and I wish you all the best!
Plus, the home she is describing may not be the place you think it is. Some people with dementia beg to go home, when they ARE leaving in their home.
Unless her things are things she needs, like clothing, or heirlooms, don’t let her know you are bringing them. Even go so far as to rent a storage unit. Don’t leave them out where she can see them and become upset. She remembers things for a long while because she associates you with “relocating” her possessions. When she sees you again, it reminds her that she is upset about what you are doing.
You mom is living in her own world now. It seems that people who suffer from Alzheimer’s/ dementia are very easily upset. They live in two worlds. One is a world of their own making, usually a world of happier times. Every so often, the real world intervenes. They are lost and confused. They become upset when someone tries to “tell them like it is”. Part of it may be because we don’t want to accept their new reality either. We try to reason and explain to no avail, and then WE become upset.
Keep the sale of her house to yourselves. Do not discuss the sale in her presence or earshot. Keep her possessions out of sight. Tell her when her house is finished being “fixed up”, you will discuss her return. And, of course, the house is never finished.