Follow
Share

HiWe are both in our 80's. My wife has advanced dementia. I am not able to get her to bath or groom herself. I have a room at a great memory center but she refuses to leave her home. I am not in good health and if something happens to me there is no one to care for her. How do I get her into memory care and get her to stay.

Find Care & Housing
Do you hold POA for her? At this point, its not what she wants, its what she and you need. You can no longer care for her. Of course she wants to stay in her home, its familar to her. But she no longer can make informed decisions about her life. She can't be reasoned with.

I hope u have seen an Elder Lawyer about splitting you assets. When her split is spent down, you can apply for Medicaid. You can stay in the home, have a car and get enough or all of the monthly income to live on.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Jim I'm so sorry, have you talked to the office of the memory care place, they should be able to help you.

I cant imagine how hard this is. Do you have kids or any good relatives or friends that would help you, just to get her there, like some really good lie. Maybe say you have to go away for a bit , and have them tell her they are taking her to a place untill you come back.

These circumstances usually comes down to a lot of little fibs.

I also want to add you are doing the right thing, no matter how hard this is, you truly are. Please take care of yourself, and when you get your with there, please get some much needed sleep.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report

You may "take her to lunch" at the Memory Care, then get someone from the staff to distract her while you leave.

My mother settled in, just fine. We had set up her furniture in her new room. She had her own bed and dresser, her own tv, and her own clothes right there.

You wife will stay because she will have no choice.

Like we do as parents of small children, sometimes we just have to make decisions that our loved ones are not happy about - but are necessary to keep them (and us) safe.

You can go back to being her husband, and not her caretaker.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to cxmoody
Report

Can you get her in the car on the pretense of going out to lunch? The lunch will be at the Memory Care where afterward, she'll be shown her suite. Do you also have calming medication for your wife? That may help. You may need medical transportation to take her to the facility. Do check with the director of the Memory Care for advice. You are not the first person to be in such a position.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

She is transported there by ambulance with you OKing this transport. The care center that is accepting her will help you arrange transit. She won't be happy about this. Treat it at matter-of-factly as you can with "This is someplace you are going because you need the care. I will be with you very often." Allow them some time to get her adjustment made and follow their instructions. I am so sorry. Don't expect her to be happy about this. There are many unhappy things in life and you both are old enough now to understand that. She may never accept this change, but there isn't a whole lot of choice here. This is something that must be done. Not everything can be fixed. Practice the serenity prayer; it can help as a mantra.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

I would imagine NO one is willing to go into a MC facility or any facility for that matter.
What matters is you are placing her because that is what is best for her.
She will get the care that she needs 24/7 and you get to be a husband first and caregiver second and become her care manager.

When you say she will not leave the house. Do you mean physically she refuses to leave or that she does not want to go to Memory Care?
If she will go for a ride you can take her out and go to the MC and have lunch there and while she gets settled you can leave.
The staff can and will help her. They are used to doing this.
Once in MC as a resident she will not be able to leave so she has no option but to stay.
Yes she will be angry. Yes she will tell you she hates you. She doesn't, she hates the situation. And like a child this is the best way that she can vocalize her feelings.
You need to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You say your health is not great, if you don't place her what will happen if something happens to you? She will be placed anyway and not have you to visit her.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
JanPeck123 Nov 4, 2024
I think your response was caring but forthright. Sometimes caregivers forget to tend to their own health and well being. If something medically catastrophic happened to this question asker, his wife would need to go to memory care and he would not be there to still love on her.
(1)
Report
My mother would not leave her home either , dug her heels in . I had a room all picked out too .
Call your County Area Agency of Aging .
They were willing to remove Mom from her house and bring her to her new room . They can coordinate with the facility for date and time.
Good Luck .
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

jim2023, welcome back to the forum. So many times many of us on the forum had to wait for a medical emergency in order to place a love one into Memory Care or Assisted Living.


My Mom was 97 years old and refused to even consider senior living,even though my Dad would be packed in a New York minute to move. She even refused home caregivers. It was a major fall which required 911, hospitalization, then rehab, then skilled nursing facility.


When you are able to have your wife move into Memory Care, set up her bedroom similar to how it is arranged at home. It gives a sense of familiarity.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

I did not tell my sister with dementia that she was moving to memory care. No one wants to move to memory care. I worked with the facility, picked a few pieces of furniture, a tv and tv stand and some clothes and pjs. I lined up the movers to come while we were at lunch at the facility. After lunch I said I had some errands to run and I'd be back later, and the staff helped her settle in. Of course, in the days following the move, she was not happy, kept saying she wanted to leave. It was a difficult time for both of us. It took 2-3 months but now she likes it there and likes the caregivers. On days when she asks when she can go home, I say: Right now you need extra help, and we will take it one day at a time and figure things out. She seems to accept this explanation. She is safe and well cared for. I visit often. I could not manage her care alone. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to roadtrip54
Report

jim2023: Use ambulance transportation to get your DW (Dear Wife) to the Memory Care facility.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

Senior services in your state can start the evaluation process to see if it is "safe" for the two of you with her at home. (You may want to show you have your own support system that can help you in an emergency with your own health.) Unfortunately, if your question is how to get there there happily rather than how to get her placed, I don't have an answer.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JerseyDwarf
Report

Make certain she does have memory care needs in a facility. Having a few memory issues doesn't mean she needs memory care. Your MD should refer you to a neurologist who will evaluate her to determine if she needs memory care. She can be tested through blood tests and a 30-question test to determine POSSIBLE memory care needs. No one wants to go into a care home! It's not the same as home; its away from what she's familiar with; its away from family (you) and friends. If the home is a good one, she'll adapt but it may take awhile. However, you should include personal concerns in the contract you make with the care facility. For example, not everyone is a Christian and may have different religious beliefs. Care takers sometimes have difficulty recognizing that and try to force the issue. Or, she may be of a different race than most of the other residents or the care takers. Perhaps she'd be happier in a facility that has more residents or caretakers of her race, religion or other personal preferences. Just putting her in a care facility is not the answer. Considering her needs and making certain they are met even though some people will tell you she doesn't know the difference will go a long way toward her making a good adjustment. Make certain the care takers are licensed and have personal interest in caring for the residents. When the staff of my uncle's care home put his Italian silk suite in the washing machine and ruined it, their excuse was they're not rich and can't afford suits like that so didn't know what they were doing. (We had a couple of suits in his closet for times when we would take him out to special events.). How ridiculous! I was furious!!! And this was a "high end" facility so cost doesn't guarantee care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NAB1949
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter